philc@sco.COM (Jimi Hendrix) (08/02/90)
/*---------------------------------------------------------------
C implementation of MAD magazine's
ALL-INCLUSIVE DO-IT-YOURSELF
ROCK CONCERT
Newspaper Story
by
satyr@ucscb.ucsc.edu 1987
------------------------------------------------------------------*/
#include <stdio.h>
#define when break;case
main ()
{
char *w1, *w2, *w3, *w4, *w5;
char *w6, *w7, *w8, *w9, *w10;
char *w11, *w12, *buf, *malloc();
int flag, mark, x, i;
srand(getpid());
buf = malloc(BUFSIZ);
switch (rand() % 12)
{
case 0 : sprintf(buf, "Thousands of");
when 1 : sprintf(buf, "Millions of");
when 2 : sprintf(buf, "Hundreds of");
when 3 : sprintf(buf, "Several");
when 4 : sprintf(buf, "Uncounted millions of");
when 5 : sprintf(buf, "Fourteen");
when 6 : sprintf(buf, "A huge number of");
when 7 : sprintf(buf, "Billions of");
when 8 : sprintf(buf, "Seven and a half");
when 9 : sprintf(buf, "Many");
when 10 : sprintf(buf, "Quite a few");
when 11 : sprintf(buf, "More than one");
break;
}
strcat(buf, " ");
switch (rand() % 12)
{
case 0 : strcat(buf, "screaming");
when 1 : strcat(buf, "ripped-off");
when 2 : strcat(buf, "born-again");
when 3 : strcat(buf, "Bloom County");
when 4 : strcat(buf, "suicidal");
when 5 : strcat(buf, "toxic");
when 6 : strcat(buf, "whacked-out");
when 7 : strcat(buf, "slightly used");
when 8 : strcat(buf, "pregnant");
when 9 : strcat(buf, "molting");
when 10 : strcat(buf, "frigid");
when 11 : strcat(buf, "calcium deficient");
break;
}
strcat(buf, " ");
switch (rand() % 12)
{
case 0 : strcat(buf, "rock fans");
when 1 : strcat(buf, "teenagers");
when 2 : strcat(buf, "marmot-breeders");
when 3 : strcat(buf, "Sandanistas");
when 4 : strcat(buf, "Bob Uecker look-alikes");
when 5 : strcat(buf, "boat people");
when 6 : strcat(buf, "amnesiacs");
when 7 : strcat(buf, "Trivial Pursuit players");
when 8 : strcat(buf, "owl worshippers");
when 9 : strcat(buf, "bed-wetters");
when 10 : strcat(buf, "Delorean dealers");
when 11 : strcat(buf, "soothsayers");
break;
}
strcat(buf, " packed ");
switch (rand() % 12)
{
case 0 : strcat(buf, "the City Auditorium");
when 1 : strcat(buf, "the Kingdome");
when 2 : strcat(buf, "Bernie's Car Wash");
when 3 : strcat(buf, "St Patrick's Cathedral");
when 4 : strcat(buf, "the Oval Office");
when 5 : strcat(buf, "Buddy Hackett's hot tub");
when 6 : strcat(buf, "the Australian outback");
when 7 : strcat(buf, "a new Honda Civic");
when 8 : strcat(buf, "Ted and Rita's family room");
when 9 : strcat(buf, "the K Mart linens section");
when 10 : strcat(buf, "Lake Huron");
when 11 : strcat(buf, "the Exit 17 offramp");
break;
}
strcat(buf, " last night to see ");
switch (rand() % 12)
{
case 0 : strcat(buf, "the Jacksons");
when 1 : strcat(buf, "Van Halen");
when 2 : strcat(buf, "Boy George");
when 3 : strcat(buf, "the Little Rascals");
when 4 : strcat(buf, "Kate and Allie");
when 5 : strcat(buf, "Botswana wife-swappers");
when 6 : strcat(buf, "the Dallas Mavericks");
when 7 : strcat(buf, "Mr T's caterer");
when 8 : strcat(buf, "the Miss Bulgaria finalists");
when 9 : strcat(buf, "the last Civil War veteran");
when 10 : strcat(buf, "Casper Weinberger");
when 11 : strcat(buf, "a KGB double agent");
break;
}
strcat(buf, " in concert. Many fans ");
switch (rand() % 12)
{
case 0 : strcat(buf, "stood in line");
when 1 : strcat(buf, "counted their toes");
when 2 : strcat(buf, "shouted pygmy oaths");
when 3 : strcat(buf, "chanted \"DEE-fense!\"");
when 4 : strcat(buf, "aged prematurely");
when 5 : strcat(buf, "licked Snickers wrappers");
when 6 : strcat(buf, "donned wet suits");
when 7 : strcat(buf, "polished their nose-rings");
when 8 : strcat(buf, "wept openly");
when 9 : strcat(buf, "broke wind");
when 10 : strcat(buf, "swapped zip codes");
when 11 : strcat(buf, "fondled their ear lobes");
}
strcat(buf, " for more than ten hours while waiting to ");
switch (rand() % 12)
{
case 0 : strcat(buf, "pay $30");
when 1 : strcat(buf, "sell their sisters");
when 2 : strcat(buf, "grovel shamelessly");
when 3 : strcat(buf, "lose their virginity");
when 4 : strcat(buf, "renounce Satan");
when 5 : strcat(buf, "give up breathing");
when 6 : strcat(buf, "sacrifice a beagle");
when 7 : strcat(buf, "betray their scoutmaster");
when 8 : strcat(buf, "sell their vital organs");
when 9 : strcat(buf, "give up their citizenship");
when 10 : strcat(buf, "pawn their phony Omegas");
when 11 : strcat(buf, "change their sex");
break;
}
strcat(buf, " for a ticket. Despite ");
switch (rand() % 12)
{
case 0 : strcat(buf, "a few outbreaks of");
when 1 : strcat(buf, "the usual");
when 2 : strcat(buf, "some harmless");
when 3 : strcat(buf, "post-Olympic");
when 4 : strcat(buf, "sloppy attempts at");
when 5 : strcat(buf, "authentic Haitian");
when 6 : strcat(buf, "precision drill");
when 7 : strcat(buf, "the romantic lure of");
when 8 : strcat(buf, "the Reagan Cabinet's");
when 9 : strcat(buf, "some very creative");
when 10 : strcat(buf, "the lethal effects of");
when 11 : strcat(buf, "the distinctive odor of");
break;
}
strcat(buf, " ");
switch (rand() % 12)
{
case 0 : strcat(buf, "rioting");
when 1 : strcat(buf, "terrorism");
when 2 : strcat(buf, "drunkenness");
when 3 : strcat(buf, "car-stripping");
when 4 : strcat(buf, "pillaging");
when 5 : strcat(buf, "nude break-dancing");
when 6 : strcat(buf, "possum worship");
when 7 : strcat(buf, "Karl Malden impersonations");
when 8 : strcat(buf, "silicone rejection");
when 9 : strcat(buf, "out-of-body retching");
when 10 : strcat(buf, "estate planning");
when 11 : strcat(buf, "parakeet training");
break;
}
strcat(buf, " and the occasional ");
switch (rand() % 12)
{
case 0 : strcat(buf, "arrest");
when 1 : strcat(buf, "flogging");
when 2 : strcat(buf, "hearing loss");
when 3 : strcat(buf, "death screams");
when 4 : strcat(buf, "melt-down");
when 5 : strcat(buf, "spraying");
when 6 : strcat(buf, "flossing");
when 7 : strcat(buf, "glassy-eyed stares");
when 8 : strcat(buf, "pre-soaking");
when 9 : strcat(buf, "poor penalty-killing");
when 10 : strcat(buf, "factory recall");
when 11 : strcat(buf, "painless removal");
break;
}
strcat(buf, " of ");
switch (rand() % 12)
{
case 0 : strcat(buf, "unruly");
when 1 : strcat(buf, "off-duty");
when 2 : strcat(buf, "stoned");
when 3 : strcat(buf, "pre-Columbian");
when 4 : strcat(buf, "singles-bar");
when 5 : strcat(buf, "fur-bearing");
when 6 : strcat(buf, "Lucasfilm");
when 7 : strcat(buf, "Libyan-backed");
when 8 : strcat(buf, "reincarnated");
when 9 : strcat(buf, "moss-covered");
when 10 : strcat(buf, "cutesy-pie");
when 11 : strcat(buf, "splattered");
break;
}
strcat(buf, " ");
switch (rand() % 12)
{
case 0 : strcat(buf, "punks");
when 1 : strcat(buf, "drug dealers");
when 2 : strcat(buf, "Sagittarians");
when 3 : strcat(buf, "nerds");
when 4 : strcat(buf, "welfare cheats");
when 5 : strcat(buf, "Unitarians");
when 6 : strcat(buf, "surfers");
when 7 : strcat(buf, "mercenaries");
when 8 : strcat(buf, "Cornhuskers");
when 9 : strcat(buf, "skycaps");
when 10 : strcat(buf, "Munchkins");
when 11 : strcat(buf, "centerfolds");
break;
}
strcat(buf, ", the promoters of the event called it ");
switch (rand() % 12)
{
case 0 : strcat(buf, "an unqualified success.");
when 1 : strcat(buf, "a victory for good taste.");
when 2 : strcat(buf, "more fun than Pearl Harbor.");
when 3 : strcat(buf, "a vindication of greed.");
when 4 : strcat(buf, "proof of God's love.");
when 5 : strcat(buf, "an incredible waste of time.");
when 6 : strcat(buf, "as significant as Flag Day.");
when 7 : strcat(buf, "a triumph for Jerry Falwell.");
when 8 : strcat(buf, "a glorification of self-abuse.");
when 9 : strcat(buf, "as memorable as 'Lottery'.");
when 10 : strcat(buf, "a festival for degenerates.");
when 11 : strcat(buf, "an answer for Communism.");
break;
}
printf(" MAD Magazine\n");
printf("-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_\n");
printf(" ROCK CONCERT LAST NIGHT\n\n");
/* this is gross, dont look */
x = 70;
mark = 0;
gack:
if (!flag)
if (buf[x] != ' ')
while (buf[x--] != ' ')
;
for (i=mark;i<x+1;i++) {
if ( (mark == i) && (buf[i] == ' ') ) continue;
putchar(buf[i]);
}
putchar('\n');
if (flag)
putchar('\n'), exit(0);
mark = x + 1;
x = mark + 71;
if (x >= strlen(buf)) {
x = strlen(buf);
flag++;
}
goto gack;
for (i=0;i<BUFSIZ;i++) {
if ( ((i % 72) == 0) && (buf[i] == ' ') ) continue;
putchar(buf[i]);
if ( (i != 0) && ((i % 71) == 0) )
putchar('\n');
}
putchar('\n');
}
--
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