jet@karazm.math.uh.edu (J. Eric Townsend) (10/17/90)
A handful of things to add to your cookie jar.
Have fun.
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# Contents: cookies
# Wrapped by jet@karazm on Tue Oct 16 13:57:38 1990
PATH=/bin:/usr/bin:/usr/ucb ; export PATH
if test -f 'cookies' -a "${1}" != "-c" ; then
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else
echo shar: Extracting \"'cookies'\" \(8561 characters\)
sed "s/^X//" >'cookies' <<'END_OF_FILE'
X%%
XThe big difference between UNIX and VMS:
XTo do anything on UNIX, you need to know an obscure command.
XTo do anything on VMS, you need to know an obscure option to SET.
X-- peter@sugar.hackercorp.com
X%%
XVICE PRESIDENT DAN QUAYLE'S ADVENTURES IN...
XHawaii, Sept. 1989:
X "Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is IN
X the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that
X is right here."
X%%
XVICE PRESIDENT DAN QUAYLE'S ADVENTURES IN...
XPrince William Sound, Alaska, May 1989
X[Remarks to oil spill clean-up workers]:
X
X "It's a very valuable function and requirement that you're performing,
X so have a great day and keep a stiff upper lip."
X
X "The President is going to benefit from me reporting directly to him
X when I arrive."
X%%
XVICE PRESIDENT DAN QUAYLE'S ADVENTURES IN...
XPago Pago, April 1989:
X
X [Pronounced "Pango Pango" by the natives and "Pogo Pogo" by Mr. Quayle.]
X%%
XVICE PRESIDENT DAN QUAYLE'S ADVENTURES IN...
XEl Salvador, Feb. & June 1989:
X
X "We expect them [Salvadoran officials] to work toward the elimination
X of human rights."
X
X "El Salvador is a democracy so it's not surprising that there are many
X voices to be heard here. Yet in my conversations with the Salvadorans...
X I have heard a single voice..."
X%%
XGod is real unless declared integer.
X- Allen W. Sherzer (aws@vax3.UUCP)
X%%
Xwhat urge will save us now that sex won't
X- Jenny Holzer, word artist
X%%
XFile names are infinite in length where infinity is set to 255 characters.
X- Peter Collinson, "The Unix File System"
X%%
XMatt Groening, creator of "The Simpsons",
Xspeaking on fans of "The Simpsons":
X
X"I have this comic strip called 'Life In Hell',
Xwhich runs in 200 newspapers, and I get alot of
Xfan mail from generally articulate, literate people.
XAnd now I walk down the street and I see people
Xwearing Simpsons T shirts who I'm afraid might
Xbeat me up, so the quality of fans has broadened.
XThe people who are my fans now frighten me."
X
X - from "Newsweek" magazine, June 18, 1990, page 13
X%%
X"This is a one line proof...if we start sufficiently far to the left."
X- peter@cbmvax.cbm.commodore.com
X%%
X"I don't practice what I preach, because I'm not the kind of person
XI'm preaching to."
X- Bob Dobbs.
X%%
X"The documentation for this program is obvious, therefore it is left as an
Xexercise for the grader."
X- joel@cs.odu.edu
X%%
X"COBOL is not dead, it just smells that way."
X- major@pta.oz.au
X%%
X"Hmmm... Equality is bad for the country? Well, at least we know where
Xyou stand now. I also remember a lot of your ilk saying things about how
Xthe ERA was going to require unisex bathrooms. Equality is not the same
Xas identical. If you can't get that straight, you're going to have a lot of
Xtrouble programming in C."
X- nelson@clutx.clarkson.edu
X%%
XIn Communism's central planning, citizens are told "you will make widgets".
XIn Capitalism's advertising, citizens are told "you will buy widgets".
X- nelson@clutx.clarkson.edu
X%%
XUnix: it's a nice place to live, but you wouldn't want to visit there.
X-someone on usenet.
X%%
XA project can not be considered complete until the total height of the
Xviewgraphs produced exceeds the height of the shortest PI.
X- Robert Metzger, scientist and author.
X%%
XIt's not that simple, no matter how you wish it so. You made public
Xstatements from a position of false authority; now you're having them shoved
Xdown your throat. Welcome to netnews.
X- Thomas Maddox
X%%
XIt is unworthy of great men to lose hours gamble@owlnet.rice.edu
Xlike slaves in the labor of calculation.
X- Pascal
X%%
XInvalid null command.
X%%
XCalm down. It's just ones and zeros.
X- cbmvax!carolyn
X%%
X"Here's on for you. What's an 8 letter word for 'Love?'"
X
X"Moisture"
X- From the ABC series "Doctor Doctor"
X%%
X"Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run away. Death really
X hates that."
X- From the ABC series "Doctor Doctor"
X%%
XCourage is the willingness of a person to stand up for his beliefs in the face
Xof great odds. Chutzpah is doing the same thing wearing a Mickey Mouse hat.
X%%
XA comment from the Space Shuttle (!) computer IPL code, power
Xfailure handling:
X
X "OK! LET'S GET ONE THING STRAIGHT. I'M IN CHARGE OF THE CPU FOR THE
X NEXT 40 MILLISECONDS!"
X%%
X- Real programmers are a figment of the imagination.
X%%
X- Real programmers detest candy-ass architects. Candy-ass architects won't
X allow Execute instructions to address another Execute. Real programmers
X despise petty restrictions.
X%%
X- Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured programming
X is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet trained. They
X wear neckties and carefully line up sharp pencils on an otherwise clean desk.
X%%
X- Real programmers don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules.
X Managers firm up schedules. Frightened coders strive to meet schedules.
X Real programmers ignore schedules.
X%%
X- Real programmers don't bring paper bag lunches. If the vending machine
X sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't
X eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.
X%%
X- Real programmers don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it
X should be hard to understand.
X%%
X- Real programmers don't document. Documentation is for simps who can't read
X the listings of the object deck.
X%%
X- Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Cavemen drew flowcharts, and look
X how much good it did them.
X%%
X- Real programmers don't drive cars, or any other complicated mechanical
X contrivance. Walking or bicycling are okay. If a real programmer's bicycle
X breaks down he has a technician fix it.
X%%
X- Real programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport which requires you
X to change clothes. Mountain climbing is okay, and real programmers wear
X their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in
X the middle of the machine room.
X%%
X- Real programmers don't write applications programs, they program right down
X to the BARE METAL. Applications programming is for feebs who can't do
X systems programming.
X%%
X- Real programmers don't write in APL, unless the whole program can be written
X in one line.
X%%
X- Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually no programmers write in
X BASIC after the age of twelve.
X%%
X- Real programmers don't write in COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications
X programmers.
X%%
X- Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks
X and crystallography weenies.
X%%
X- Real programmers don't write in LISP. Only dweeb programs contain more
X parentheses than actual code.
X%%
X- Real programmers don't write in PASCAL, or BLISS, or ADA, or any of those
X pinky computer science languages. Strong typing is for people with weak
X memories.
X%%
X- Real programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for gutless people who can't
X decide whether they want COBOL or FORTRAN.
X%%
X- Real programmers don't write specs - users should consider themselves lucky
X to get any programs at all, and take what they get.
X%%
X- Real programmers have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil.
X They exist only to deal with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior
X planners, and other mental defectives.
X%%
X- Real programmers like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the
X microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat from the CPU. They can tell
X which jobs are running from the rate of popping.
X%%
X- Real programmers never grow old. They suffer from burnouts, monumental
X crashes, or bugs in their DNA.
X%%
X- Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at
X 9 am, it's because they were up all night.
X%%
X- Real programmers scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was
X invented for pansy bed-wetters who are unable to think big.
X%%
X The Algol compiler used at Case Institute of Technology, after finding
X 25 errors in the source (e.g., like you spelled BEGIN as BEGNI), would
X print
X "At this point, we suggest you try re-reading the manual."
X%%
X Programming by Monte Carlo methods is frowned upon.
X%%
XInstalling unix fixes the [VMS] bug.
X- Barry Shein
X%%
Xvmunix: kbd: Too many keys down!
X%%
X"Code so clean...you can eat off it."
X%%
X"If we can't fix it, it isn't broken."
X%%
X"Never test for a bug you don't know how to fix."
X%%
X"Don't break it if you can't fix it."
X%%
X"There are two ways to write bug-free code; only the third way works."
X%%
XFinal message received from the Titanic: "Fatal crash due to icebug."
X%%
X"Bugs bugs everywhere, and not a fix in sight."
X%%
X"A feature is a bug with seniority."
X%%
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if test 8561 -ne `wc -c <'cookies'`; then
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fi
# end of 'cookies'
fi
echo shar: End of shell archive.
exit 0
--
J. Eric Townsend Internet: jet@uh.edu Bitnet: jet@UHOU
Systems Manager - University of Houston Dept. of Mathematics - (713) 749-2120
EastEnders list: eastender@karazm.math.uh.edu
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