games-request@tekred.TEK.COM (05/29/87)
Submitted by: arnold@apollo.UUCP
Comp.sources.games: Volume 1, Issue 30
Archive-name: fortune/Part05
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# Contents: scene.aa
# Wrapped by billr@tekred on Thu May 21 15:14:37 1987
PATH=/bin:/usr/bin:/usr/ucb ; export PATH
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X!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
X%%
X(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
X(2) Great generals are forewarned.
X(3) Forewarned is forearmed.
X(4) Four is an even number.
X(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have.
X(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.
X
XTherefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
X%%
X(1) Everything depends.
X(2) Nothing is always.
X(3) Everything is sometimes.
X%%
X1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
Xthe law!
X%%
X10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
X%%
X100 buckets of bits on the bus
X100 buckets of bits
XTake one down, short it to ground
XFF buckets of bits on the bus
X
XFF buckets of bits on the bus
XFF buckets of bits
XTake one down, short it to ground
XFE buckets of bits on the bus
X
Xad infinitum...
X%%
X$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
Xwhich time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
X -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
X%%
X101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
X (1) Scarecrow for centipedes
X (2) Dead cat brush
X (3) Hair barrettes
X (4) Cleats
X (5) Self-piercing earrings
X (6) Fungus trellis
X (7) False eyelashes
X (8) Prosthetic dog claws
X .
X .
X .
X (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors)
X (100) Killer velcro
X (101) Currency
X%%
X186,282 miles per second:
X
XIt isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
X%%
X2180, U.S. History question:
X What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
X office did he later hold?
X%%
X$3,000,000
X%%
X"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
Xsimulation!"
X%%
X43rd Law of Computing:
X Anything that can go wr
Xfortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
X%%
X77. HO HUM -- The Redundant
X
X------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
X--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
X------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
X---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the
X---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to
X--- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
X
XNine in the second place means:
X The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
X
XSix in the third place means:
X In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue
X Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
X%%
X7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
X The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
X Redwood Forest.
X%%
X7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
X The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
X Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
X%%
X99 blocks of crud on the disk,
X99 blocks of crud!
XYou patch a bug, and dump it again:
X100 blocks of crud on the disk!
X
X100 blocks of crud on the disk,
X100 blocks of crud!
XYou patch a bug, and dump it again:
X101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
X%%
XA "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
X"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
X -- Mahatma Ghandi
X%%
XA [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
XHitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific
Xgame. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
Xtraveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,
Xpreferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
X -- Donald A. Metz
X%%
XA [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
Xplaced in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or
Xrolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results
Xfrom friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball
Xand the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the
Xball resulting from such uncontrollable physical
Xphenomena.
X -- Donald A. Metz
X%%
XA baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
Xresponsibility at the other.
X%%
XA baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.
X -- Carl Sandburg
X%%
XA bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out
Xof a divorce.
X -- Don Quinn
X%%
XA banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
Xand wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XA billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it
Xadds up to be real money.
X -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen
X%%
XA bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
X%%
XA bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
X%%
XA bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
X%%
X... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
Xhave turned into a pile of dust.
X%%
XA bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
Xenlightened him with ours.
X%%
XA budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
Xas afterward.
X%%
XA candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
Xpoor to protect them from each other.
X%%
XA celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
X%%
XA child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not
Xmere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
Xtrained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
X -- Dave Barry
X%%
XA child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5.
X%%
XA chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
XAvoid him. He's a Commie.
X%%
XA citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
Xwon't cross the street to vote in a national election.
X -- Bill Vaughan
X%%
XA city is a large community where people are lonesome together
X -- Herbert Prochnow
X%%
XA classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
Xwants to read.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XA closed mouth gathers no foot.
X%%
XA computer, to print out a fact,
XWill divide, multiply, and subtract.
X But this output can be
X No more than debris,
XIf the input was short of exact.
X -- Gigo
X%%
XA conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
X%%
XA CONS is an object which cares.
X -- Bernie Greenberg.
X%%
XA consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it
Xis, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
X%%
XA continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.
X -- Dyer
X%%
XA countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
X -- Ben Franklin
X%%
XA crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
XAnd had an affair with a Saracen.
X She was not oversexed,
X Or jealous or vexed,
XShe just wanted to make a comparison.
X%%
XA cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen
Xlantern.
X -- Edgar A. Shoaff
X%%
XA day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
X%%
XA day without sunshine is like night.
X%%
XA diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur
Xcoat.
X%%
XA diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
Xyou will look forward to the trip.
X%%
X A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
Xeating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality
Xtest", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
X Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
Xthe toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
X%%
XA diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
X%%
X A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
Xabout whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their
Xarguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
Xthe doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
XEve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
Xincredible surgical feat."
X The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
XGarden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
Xthat, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
Xarchitect."
X The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
X"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
X%%
XA door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
X -- Ogden Nash
X%%
XA dozen, a gross, and a score,
XPlus three times the square root of four,
X Divided by seven,
X Plus five time eleven,
XEquals nine squared plus zero, no more.
X%%
XA famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a
XXerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser.
XWanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network
Xwith the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the
XUndergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly
Xpressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while
Xsimultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick
XInterlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened.
X%%
XA fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the
Xsubject.
X -- Winston Churchill
X%%
XA fool must now and then be right by chance.
X%%
XA fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
Xsuperstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
X -- G. B. Shaw
X%%
XA fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
Xof marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
Xelephant.
X%%
XA formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
X -- D. Gries
X%%
XA free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.
X -- Adlai Stevenson
X%%
XA Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than
Xhe could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men
Xfavored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter
Xfacts of life in bandages of self-illusion.
X -- H. L. Mencken
X%%
XA general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding
Xducks.
X -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
X%%
XA girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident.
XA girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident.
XBut when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*.
X -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers"
X%%
XA gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort
Xof).
X%%
XA good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
Xinto place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
Xhope of greening the landscape of idea.
X -- John Ciardi
X%%
XA great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
Xrearranging their prejudices.
X -- William James
X%%
XA hypothetical paradox:
X What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security
X team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad
X of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a
X planet?
X -- Tom Galloway
X%%
XA is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears.
XC is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh.
XE is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech.
XG is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug.
XI is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake.
XK is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks.
XM is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of enui.
XO is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl
XQ is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire.
XS is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits.
XU is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train.
XW is for Winie, embedded in ice, X is for Xercies, devoured by mice.
XY is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin.
X -- Edward Gorey "The Gastly Crumb Tines"
X%%
XA journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
X%%
XA lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
X%%
XA lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
X%%
XA lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
X%%
XA lady with one of her ears applied
XTo an open keyhole heard, inside,
XTwo female gossips in converse free --
XThe subject engaging them was she.
X"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
XThat she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
XAs soon as no more of it she could hear
XThe lady, indignant, removed her ear.
X"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
X"To hear my character lied about!"
X -- Gopete Sherany
X%%
XA language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
Xnot worth knowing.
X%%
XA language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program
Xin than some that do.
X -- Dennis M. Ritchie
X%%
XA large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work
Xby being declared to work.
X -- Anatol Holt
X%%
XA Law of Computer Programming:
X Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
X will find the programmers cannot write in English.
X%%
XA limerick packs laughs anatomical
XInto space that is quite economical.
X But the good ones I've seen
X So seldom are clean,
XAnd the clean ones so seldom are comical.
X%%
XA LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
Xnothing.
X%%
XA long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any
Xprice.
X%%
XA Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in
Xhis own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and
Xexceptional ability in that particular field."
X%%
XA lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths.
X -- Steve Wright
X%%
XA lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I
Xbelieve everything positively stinks.
X -- Lew Col
X%%
X A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
Xfirst thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
X "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
Xand hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
X "But the collar is up around my ears!"
X "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
Xlittle more ... that's it."
X "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
X "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
Xgo. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
X So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
Xstreet. Reba and Florence see him go by.
X "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
X "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
X -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
X%%
XA man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
X
X"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
Xsense of obligation."
X -- Stephen Crane
X%%
XA man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
X%%
XA mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
X%%
XA Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
Xon the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
Xgame. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
Xpilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
Xalong it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
Xheads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
Xaround and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
Xdirection, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the
Xpaper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
Xcolony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
Xfall over gently onto their backs.
X -- Audobon Society Magazine
X%%
X A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
Xthe death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
Xpianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
Xnice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
X "If what?" asked the composer.
X "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
X%%
XA neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out
Xon loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed
Xloudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom
Xdo you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
X%%
XA new dramatist of the absurd
XHas a voice that will shortly be heard.
X I learn from my spies
X He's about to devise
XAn unprintable three-letter word.
X%%
XA new koan:
X
X If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you.
X
X If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you.
X
XIt is an ice cream koan.
X%%
XA new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.
XAnyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now
Xhas no excuse for further procrastination.
X%%
XA New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies
Xinsist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the
Xright to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
X%%
XA New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
Xrear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
X%%
X A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
Xremoves most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
Xdoing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
Xamounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
Xlimitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
Xlarger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
Xpower-down sequence.
X An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
Xbuilding, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
Xbugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
Xcool.
X%%
XA nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
X%%
XA pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space.
X -- Gloria Steinem
X%%
XA penny saved is ridiculous.
X%%
XA person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
X%%
XA physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
X -- George Wald
X%%
XA pig is a jolly companion,
XBoar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
XA pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
XThough mountains may topple and tilt.
XWhen they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
XWhen they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
XThough you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover,
XYou'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
XYou'll never go wrong with a pig!
X -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
X%%
X A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
X by Mark Twain
X
X For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
Xto be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
Xbe part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
Xwould be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
Xmight reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
Xsame konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
X"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
X Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
Xwith Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
Xor so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
XBai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
Xridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
Xov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
X Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
Xhev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
X%%
X"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
X -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
X%%
XA priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
X
XAnd he answered:
X
XIt is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
X
XIt is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
X
XIt is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City
Xupon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come
Xto be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
X
XAnd that is Fate? said the priest.
X
XFate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
X
XThat's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
Xtoo.
X -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
X%%
X A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
Xupon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
X"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
Xman".
X As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
Xhe sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
X%%
XA professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
X%%
X"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
Xof being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
Xseries of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
Xprecisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
Xinconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
Xaccuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
Xfor the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
Xdefenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
Xinformation in the first place."
X -- IEEE Grid news magazine
X%%
XA psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that
Xyour wife will give you for free.
X%%
XA public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be
Xtoo heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which
Xwas intended for her preservation.
X -- Colton
X%%
XA putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as
X"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if
Xthe ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants
Xto make a travesty of the game.
X -- Donald A. Metz
X%%
X"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked
Xout 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon."
X -- Steel City News
X%%
XA reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20:
X
XThen did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying,
X"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny
Xbits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the
Xlambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and
Xbreakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the
XHoly Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of
Xthe counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt
Xthou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then
Xproceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being
Xthe number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand
XGrenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight,
Xshall snuff it."
X -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
X%%
XA real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
Xthat the system works.
X%%
XA real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and
Xthe real reason.
X%%
XA recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen
Xobjects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer
Xscientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added
Xconcentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three
Xdimensional objects ...
X%%
XA Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may
Xnot kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized
Xrosewater.
X%%
XA rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man
Xcontemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
X -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
X%%
XA sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will
Xkeep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those
Xthat are worth committing.
X -- Samuel Butler
X%%
X A Severe Strain on the Credulity
X
XAs a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
Xparts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
Xis a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one
Xconsiders the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
Xbegins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
Xstarts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
Xmaintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
XProfessor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
Xof the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
Xre-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
Xagainst which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
Xknowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
X -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
X%%
XA sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
X -- Prof. Steiner
X%%
X... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
Xwas waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XA straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
X -- O'Henry
X%%
XA strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
Xbad measures.
X -- Daniel Webster
X%%
XA student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
Xexam.
X%%
XA successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
Xundreamed of by its author.
X -- S. C. Johnson
X%%
XA total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
Xand especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XA transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
Xblowing first.
X%%
XA triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene
Xtriangle.
X%%
XA truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
X%%
XA university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
Xin students.
X -- John Ciardi
X%%
X"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."
X -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
X%%
XA UNIX saleslady, Lenore,
XEnjoys work, but she likes the beach more.
X She found a good way
X To combine work and play:
XShe sells C shells by the seashore.
X%%
XA vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
Xreplaces it with.
X -- Tennessee Williams
X%%
XA very intelligent turtle
XFound programming UNIX a hurdle
X The system, you see,
X Ran as slow as did he,
XAnd that's not saying much for the turtle.
X%%
XA well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
Xgetting nervous.
X%%
XA witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
Xpeople's attention.
X%%
X"A witty saying proves nothing."
X -- Voltaire
X%%
X"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to
Xadmit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact
Xremains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one
Xreason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It
Xis for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of
Xusing indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these
Xmatters, to carry a large club near your person at all times."
X -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
X%%
XA year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
Xin God.
X%%
XA.A.A.A.A.:
X An organization for drunks who drive
X%%
XAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
XYou brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
X%%
XAbandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
X%%
X"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
Xends."
X -- Herbert Hoover
X%%
XAbsence makes the heart go wander.
X%%
XAbsent, adj.:
X Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
X slandered.
X%%
XAbsentee, n.:
X A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
X himself from the sphere of exaction.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XAbstainer, n.:
X A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a
X pleasure.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XAbsurdity, n.:
X A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
X opinion.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XAcademic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics,
Xbecause the stakes are so low.
X -- Wallace Sayre
X%%
XAccident, n.:
X A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
X body is better.
X%%
XAccidents cause History.
X
XIf Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the
XPeasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not
Xhave been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil
Xcould have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and
Xthe whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd.
X -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
X%%
XAccording to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
Xshall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
Xfifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
Xof the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
Xthe returns."
X%%
XAccording to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least
Xonce a year.
X%%
XAccording to my best recollection, I don't remember.
X -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
X%%
XAccording to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
Xtotally worthless.
X%%
XAccording to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never
Xdies.
X%%
X"According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to
Xlive in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came
Xin twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much.
XBecause we know that we could beat up their city anytime."
X -- David Letterman
X%%
XAccordion, n.:
X A bagpipe with pleats.
X%%
XAccuracy, n.:
X The vice of being right
X%%
X ACHTUNG!!!
X
XDas machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
Xschnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
Xspitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
Xrubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
Xvatch das blinkenlights!!!
X%%
XAcid -- better living through chemistry.
X%%
XAcid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
X%%
XAcquaintance, n.:
X A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well
X enough to lend to.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
X"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
Xcoughing."
X%%
XActor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
X everyone glued in their seats!"
XOliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of
X it!"
X%%
XActor: So what do you do for a living?
XDoris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving
X dishes for Chinese restaurants.
X -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
X%%
XActors will happen even in the best-regulated families.
X%%
XADA, n.:
X Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in
X Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an
X ADA awareness."
X%%
XAdmiration, n.:
X Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XAdolescence, n.:
X The stage between puberty and adultery.
X%%
X"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look
Xlike you ..."
X --- Gilda Radner
X%%
XAdore, v.:
X To venerate expectantly.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XAdult, n.:
X One old enough to know better.
X%%
XAdvertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest
Xway of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
X -- Sinclair Lewis
X%%
XAfter [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
Xnames have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
XLouise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted
Xmany important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi
XGalvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
Xdifferent kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
Xdeveloped and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
Xattached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led
Xto enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today,
Xskilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
Xinjured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
Xhop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
Xthat it sinks like a stone.
X -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
X%%
XAfter a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
XIt was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
Xmore advanced than the lichen family.
X -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
X Do"
X%%
XAfter a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
X%%
X"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
Xquotations."
X -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
X%%
XAfter all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not
Xfor you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
Xsimply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
X -- P. J. O'Rourke
X%%
XAfter an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
Xon the bench.
X%%
X After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
XHeaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
Xand turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
Xto be created."
X "This is true," He replied.
X "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
X "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
Xright to make his laws?"
X "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
Xmake his own."
X It was so granted.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
X"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
Xthe unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
Xcost to others, to win advancement."
X -- Norman Thomas
X%%
XAfter I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
X%%
XAfter living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe
Xeverything. Just in case.
X%%
XAfter the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
Xcover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
Xremoved.
X%%
XAfternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a
Xchange.
X%%
XAfternoon, n.:
X That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
X morning.
X%%
XAge before beauty; and pearls before swine.
X -- Dorothy Parker
X%%
XAge, n.:
X That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we
Xstill cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise
Xto commit.
X -- Ambrose Bierce
X%%
XAh say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
X%%
XAh, but the choice of dreams to live,
Xthere's the rub.
X
XFor all dreams are not equal,
Xsome exit to nightmare
Xmost end with the dreamer
X
XBut at least one must be lived ... and died.
X%%
X"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
XBlacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
Xthat life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
Xunfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
Xup is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
X -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
X%%
XAir is water with holes in it
X%%
XAlas, I am dying beyond my means.
X -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed
X%%
XAlbert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire
Xtelegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New
XYork and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this?
XAnd radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they
Xreceive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
X%%
XAlden's Laws:
X (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause
X of pregnancy.
X (2) Always be backlit.
X (3) Sit down whenever possible.
X%%
XAleph-null bottles of beer on the wall,
XAleph-null bottles of beer,
X You take one down, and pass it around,
XAleph-null bottles of beer on the wall.
X%%
XAlex Haley was adopted!
X%%
XAlexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
Xfor a dial tone.
X%%
XAlimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
Xthem keeps paying for it.
X -- Peggy Joyce
X%%
XAll [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
Xupon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
Xvisit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
Xinforming, stimulating and ennobling.
X -- H. L. Mencken
X%%
XAll bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
Xthan others.
X -- Alan Truscott
X%%
XAll extremists should be taken out and shot.
X%%
XAll Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing
Xwithout thinking.
X%%
X"All flesh is grass"
X -- Isiah
XSmoke a friend today.
X%%
XAll I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
X%%
XAll I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
Ximportance.
X%%
XAll I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled
Xby an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...
X%%
XAll I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power
X -- Ashleigh Brilliant
X%%
XAll men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are
XSocrates.
X -- Woody Allen
X%%
X"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us
Xsane."
X%%
X"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more
Xspecific."
X -- Jane Wagner
X%%
XAll other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of
Xthe United States.
X -- Vic Gold
X%%
XAll power corrupts, but we need electricity.
X%%
XAll programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
X%%
XAll progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of
Xevery organism to live beyond its income.
X -- Samuel Butler
X%%
XAll science is either physics or stamp collecting.
X -- E. Rutherford
X%%
X"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right
Xhands."
X -- Saint Patrick
X%%
XAll syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
X%%
XAll the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can,
Xtoo, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you
Xsubscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you
Xcan deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S.
XSupreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax
Xdecision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
Xif it rains?"
X -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
X%%
X"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XAll the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
Xridiculous ones.
X -- La Rochefoucauld
X%%
XAll the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by
Xthe government in less than a second.
X -- Jim Fiebig
X%%
XAll the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
X -- Sean O'Casey
X%%
XAll the world's a VAX,
XAnd all the coders merely butchers;
XThey have their exits and their entrails;
XAnd one int in his time plays many widths,
XHis sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant,
XMewling and puking in the Regent's arms.
XAnd then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun,
XAnd shining morning face, creeping like slug
XUnwillingly to school.
X -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11
X%%
XAll things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.
X%%
XAll this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for
Xfun. Money's just the way we keep score.
X%%
XAll true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
X%%
XAll wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes
Xinfinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
Xwhich he was born.
X -- Francois Fenelon
X%%
XAlliance, n.:
X In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
X their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they
X cannot separately plunder a third.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XAlone, adj.:
X In bad company.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XAlthough golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight
XProtestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
X -- Dave Barry
X%%
XAlthough we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios,
Xmixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have
Xany of these things, which is just as well because there was no place
Xto plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer,
XBenjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a
Xserious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the
Xsame force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely
Xthat he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A
Xpenny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job
Xrunning the post office.
X -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
X%%
XAlthough written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been
Xreissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the
Xday-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable
Xinterest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on
Xpheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin,
Xand other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper.
XUnfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous
Xmaterial in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the
Xmanagement of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion
Xthe book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical
XGamekeeping."
X -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959)
X%%
XAlways borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
Xback.
X%%
XAlways remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.
X%%
X"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
Xthat way."
X%%
XAm I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
X%%
X AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
X
XIf all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
Xacross the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
X%%
X AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
X
XThere is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
Xwould completely cover the Sahara Desert.
X%%
XAmbidextrous, adj.:
X Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XAmbition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
X -- Charlie McCarthy
X%%
XAmerica may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
Xto decadence without touching civilization.
X -- John O'Hara
X%%
XAmerica was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him,
Xuntil people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and
Xchanged its name to "America".
X -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
X%%
XAmerican business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective
Xemployees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for
Xemployees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference
Xbetween the men's room and the women's room without having little
Xpictures on the doors.
X -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister"
X%%
X"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it."
X%%
XAn age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because
Xpeople refuse to see it.
X -- James Michener, "Space"
X%%
XAn American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but
Xis always polite to traffic cops.
X%%
X"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to
XNew Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but
Xnot new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."
X -- David Letterman
X%%
XAn apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
X%%
X An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He
Xknows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with
Xgreat restraint.
X As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
Xembellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away
Xto be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished,
Xand the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
Xthat class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
X This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
XWhen he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
Xconfirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
Xand their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
Xare particular and not generalizable.
X The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
Xall the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
Xone. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
X -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
X%%
XAn artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
X%%
XAn authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you
Xreally care to know.
X%%
XAn effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
X%%
XAn elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
X%%
XAn English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded
Xsummation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your
Xarguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey
Xresponded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
X%%
XAn Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
X -- A. P. Herbert
X%%
XAn excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He
Xwears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is
Xadvertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and
XRich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in
Xincomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote
Xexcellence:
X
X"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and
Xdiscriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able
Xto discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting
Xthings by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch
Xparts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a
Xtimeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who
Xdoesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful.
XMuch more successful than the people who laughed at him in high
Xschool. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as
Xsuccessful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and
Xthey'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
X -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
X%%
XAn exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
X%%
X"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
Xpicturesque liar."
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XAn idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
Xeyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
Xpossible.
X -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
X%%
XAn idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
X%%
X An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
Xin the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
X "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
Xyou're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
Xan hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
Xhour seems like a minute."
X The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
Xmoment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
X -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
X%%
X"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."
X%%
XAnarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
Xgovernment at all.
X%%
END_OF_scene.aa
echo shar: 46 control characters may be missing from \"scene.aa\"
if test 47200 -ne `wc -c <scene.aa`; then
echo shar: \"scene.aa\" unpacked with wrong size!
fi
# end of overwriting check
fi
echo shar: End of archive 5 \(of 16\).
cp /dev/null ark5isdone
MISSING=""
for I in 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 ; do
if test ! -f ark${I}isdone ; then
MISSING="${MISSING} ${I}"
fi
done
if test "${MISSING}" = "" ; then
echo You have unpacked all 16 archives.
rm -f ark[1-9]isdone ark[1-9][0-9]isdone
else
echo You still need to unpack the following archives:
echo " " ${MISSING}
fi
## End of shell esueat eat eis s