games-request@tekred.TEK.COM (05/29/87)
Submitted by: arnold@apollo.UUCP
Comp.sources.games: Volume 1, Issue 31
Archive-name: fortune/Part06
#! /bin/sh
# This is a shell archive. Remove anything before this line, then unpack
# it by saving it into a file and typing "sh file". To overwrite existing
# files, type "sh file -c". You can also feed this as standard input via
# unshar, or by typing "sh <file", e.g.. If this archive is complete, you
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# Contents: scene.ab
# Wrapped by billr@tekred on Thu May 21 15:14:39 1987
PATH=/bin:/usr/bin:/usr/ucb ; export PATH
if test -f scene.ab -a "${1}" != "-c" ; then
echo shar: Will not over-write existing file \"scene.ab\"
else
echo shar: Extracting \"scene.ab\" \(44322 characters\)
sed "s/^X//" >scene.ab <<'END_OF_scene.ab'
XAnd as we stand on the edge of darkness
XLet our chant fill the void
XThat others may know
X
X In the land of the night
X The ship of the sun
X Is drawn by
X The grateful dead.
X
X -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
X%%
X... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
X%%
XAnd I heard Jeff exclaim,
XAs they strolled out of sight,
X"Merry Christmas to all --
XYou take credit cards, right?"
X -- "Outsiders" comic
X%%
X... And malt does more than Milton can
XTo justify God's ways to man
X -- A. E. Housman
X%%
XAnd on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
X%%
XAnd so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
Xfascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
Xlooking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
Xapproach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin
Xis turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then
Xof course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides
Xgradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this
Xprocedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom
Xyouthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and
XOrson Welles.
X -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
X%%
X"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a
Xcourtesy detail."
X%%
XAnd this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a
Xhorizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical
Xcolumnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory,
Xma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the
Xworld.
X -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
X%%
X "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
Xasked the father of his little son.
X "Diet."
X%%
XAnd yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
Xa sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
Xtragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets
Xtragedy face to face, we have politics.
X -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and
X Ground Cover"
X%%
XAngels we have heard on High
XTell us to go out and Buy.
X -- Tom Lehrer
X%%
XAnkh if you love Isis.
X%%
XAnoint, v.:
X To grease a king or other great functionary already
X sufficiently slippery.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
X Another Glitch in the Call
X ------- ------ -- --- ----
X (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
X
XWe don't need no indirection
XWe don't need no flow control
XNo data typing or declarations
XDid you leave the lists alone?
X
X Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
X
XChorus:
X All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
X All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
X%%
XAnother good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
X%%
XAnother possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
Xtelevision's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom
Xand world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that
Xoffers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath.
X -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
X Do"
X%%
X Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
X
X(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
X(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
X(3) I don't know.
X(4) Who cares?
X(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
X Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
X(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
X book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
X bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
X Papyrus Books).
X%%
XAnthony's Law of Force:
X Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
X%%
XAnthony's Law of the Workshop:
X Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
X corner of the workshop.
X
XCorollary:
X On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
X your toes.
X%%
XAntonym, n.:
X The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
X%%
XAny clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
X -- Charles McCabe
X%%
XAny clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
X -- Charles McCabe
X%%
XAny dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a
Xrepresentation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a
Xrepresentation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone
Xcapable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
X -- Richard Schickel
X%%
XAny excuse will serve a tyrant.
X -- Aesop
X%%
XAny father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that
Xthis country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a
Xwhole week.
X%%
XAny fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
Xsell it.
X%%
XAny great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche
X-- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance,
Xmy grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off
Xthe fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was
Xundoubtedly true.
X -- Solomon Short
X%%
XAny philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there.
X -- Sydney J. Harris
X%%
X... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer,
Xmy terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any
Xresemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic.
XThe question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold
Xthem is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the
Xexistence of the reader is left as an exercise for the second god
Xcoefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism
Xis beyond the scope of this article.)
X%%
XAny small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger
Xobject.
X%%
XAny stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to
Xexactly the point of most pressure.
X -- Milt Barber
X%%
XAny sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
X -- Rich Kulawiec
X%%
XAny sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged
Xdemo.
X%%
XAny sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
X -- Arthur C. Clarke
X%%
XAny time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
Xsomething.
X%%
XAny two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.
X -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
X%%
XAnybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
X%%
XAnybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
Xprobably parked.
X%%
XAnybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
X%%
XAnyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
Xsupposed to be doing at the moment.
X -- Robert Benchley
X%%
XAnyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.
X -- Publilius Syrus
X%%
XAnyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with
Xnone.
X%%
XAnyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
Xis a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
Xmake messes in the house.
X -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
X%%
XAnyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
X -- Samuel Goldwyn
X%%
XAnyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad.
X -- W. C. Fields
X%%
XAnyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
Xaccount be allowed to do the job.
X -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
X%%
XAnyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never
Xtried taking candy from a baby.
X -- Robin Hood
X%%
XAnything free is worth what you pay for it.
X%%
XAnything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
X%%
XAnything is good if it's made of chocolate.
X%%
XAnything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the
Xprice went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
Xmeans the price went way up.
X%%
XAnything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
X%%
XAnything worth doing is worth overdoing
X%%
XAphorism, n.:
X A concise, clever statement.
XAfterism, n.:
X A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.
X -- James Alexander Thom
X%%
XAPL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of
Xthe future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of
Xcoding bums.
X%%
X"APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I
Xcan't read any of them."
X -- Roy Keir
X%%
XAquadextrous, adj.:
X Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off
X with your toes.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XAQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
X You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
X You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to
X be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same
X mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid.
X%%
XArbitrary systems, pl.n.:
X Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing
Xgeneral can be said."
X%%
XARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
X FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
X%%
XAre you a turtle?
X%%
XAre you a turtle?
X%%
X"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
X -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
X%%
XARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
X You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You
X are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are
X not very nice.
X%%
XArithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
Xshoes.
X -- Mickey Mouse
X%%
XArmadillo:
X To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle
X%%
XArnold's Laws of Documentation:
X (1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
X (2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
X (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
X first two laws.
X%%
XAround computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to
Xmeasure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you
Ximagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?
X -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
X%%
XArt is anything you can get away with.
X -- Marshall McLuhan.
X%%
XArt is either plagiarism or revolution.
X -- Paul Gauguin
X%%
XArthur's Laws of Love:
X (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
X remind them of someone else.
X (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be
X delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of
X yourself in person.
X%%
XArtistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
X%%
XAs a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
Xinterested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick
Xperverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask,
X"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ...
X -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
X%%
XAs far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
Xcertain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
X -- Albert Einstein
X%%
XAs far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
X -- Weisert
X%%
XAs I was going up Punch Card Hill,
X Feeling worse and worser,
XThere I met a C.R.T.
X And it drop't me a cursor.
X
XC.R.T., C.R.T.,
X Phosphors light on you!
XIf I had fifty hours a day
X I'd spend them all at you.
X
X -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
X%%
XAs I was passing Project MAC,
XI met a Quux with seven hacks.
XEvery hack had seven bugs;
XEvery bug had seven manifestations;
XEvery manifestation had seven symptoms.
XSymptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
XHow many losses at Project MAC?
X%%
XAs long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
Xindustries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free
Xspeech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to
Xmyself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a
Xreal American talk like that.
X -- Frank Hague (1896-1956)
X%%
XAs long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
X%%
XAs long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its
Xfascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be
Xpopular.
X -- Oscar Wilde
X%%
XAs of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
X%%
X"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500
Xprograms; a process that traditionally requires some debugging."
X --- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new
X computer system.
X%%
XAs soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it
Xwasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had
Xto be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized
Xthat a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in
Xfinding mistakes in my own programs.
X -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949
X%%
XAs the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's
Xso hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
X -- Woody Allen
X%%
XAs the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
Xis always a future in Computer Maintenance.
X -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
X%%
XAs Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
Xvariable."
X%%
XAs with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple
Xmemory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time
Xto order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A,
XE, or U is the proper time for chocolate.
X -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
X%%
XAs you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would
Xinterfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the
XWright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure
Xout how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on
XWilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual
Xorgans!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result,
Xbirds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never
Xsee an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
Xstand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations
Xwith their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are
Xtalking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both
Xhighly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
X -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
X Teen Should Know"
X%%
XAs you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull
Xyour hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you.
XThe venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along
Xwith your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall
Xfrom the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all
Xover the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of
Xa vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the
Xspider is suing you for damages.
X%%
XAs Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
X%%
XASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
X%%
XAsk five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
Xone went to Harvard).
X -- Edgar R. Fiedler
X%%
XAsk not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
X%%
XAsk Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
XStation-to--Station rate.
X%%
XAsk not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the
Xbathtub, it tolls for thee.
X%%
XAsk your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell"
Xfor an answer.
X%%
X"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
Xwoman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,
Xshe's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'"
X -- David Letterman
X%%
XAss, n.:
X The masculine of "lass".
X%%
XAssociate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.
XRun with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be
Xstrengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum.
XHang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check
Xand dying broke.
X -- Stanley Walker
X%%
XAt a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
XAngeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
Xunder the exhaust of a bus until he revived.
X%%
XAt any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is
Xnot. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
Xit is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
X -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
X%%
XAt Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
Xchallenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
X -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
X%%
X... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
X -- J. B. White
X%%
X"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents"
X%%
XAt no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
Xthumb with a hammer.
X -- Marshall Lumsden
X%%
XAt the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
Xfind at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
Xthe computer.
X%%
XAtlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole
Xor street lamp.
X%%
XAtlee is a very modest man. And with reason.
X -- Winston Churchill
X%%
XAuthors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever
Xdepths they were once able to plumb.
X -- Stanley Kaufman
X%%
XAutomobile, n.:
X A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
X pedestrians.
X%%
XAvoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
X -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
X%%
XAvoid reality at all costs.
X%%
X"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
Xwe will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."
X -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
X%%
XBacchus, n.:
X A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
X getting drunk.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XBagbiter:
X 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually
Xintermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This
Xbagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on
Xobscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the
Xbag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS,
XCHOMPER, CHOMPING.
X%%
XBagdikian's Observation:
X Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American
X newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion"
X on a ukelele.
X%%
XBaker's First Law of Federal Geometry:
X A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides
X by governors.
X%%
XBan the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
X%%
XBanectomy, n.:
X The removal of bruises on a banana.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XBank error in your favor. Collect $200.
X%%
XBarach's Rule:
X An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
X physician.
X%%
XBare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the
Xfloor -- especially in the dark.
X%%
XBarometer, n.:
X An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we
X are having.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XBarth's Distinction:
X There are two types of people: those who divide people into two
X types, and those who don't.
X%%
XBaruch's Observation:
X If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
X%%
XBaseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high
Xtaxes.
X -- Will Rogers
X%%
XBasic is a high level languish.
XAPL is a high level anguish.
X%%
X"BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'."
X%%
XBasic, n.:
X A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
X that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
X%%
XBathquake, n.:
X The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water
X faucet is turned on to a certain point.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XBe a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your
Xdoor.
X%%
XBE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...)
X%%
XBe assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely
Xget your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your
Xface.
X -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
X%%
XBe braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
X%%
XBe careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XBe different: conform.
X%%
XBe free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
Xget used to it.
X%%
XBe security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
X%%
XBe wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and
Xmiss
X -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
X%%
XBees are very busy souls
XThey have no time for birth controls
XAnd that is why in times like these
XThere are so many Sons of Bees.
X%%
X Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
Xtook great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
Xfollowers.
X One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
Xthere he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
X "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
Xcommanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
XPurpose in Life, anyway?"
X Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
XChinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
X Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
X Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
X -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
X%%
XBefore Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's
Xego.
X%%
XBegathon, n.:
X A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
Xyou won't have to watch commercials.
X%%
XBehold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
Xaway.
X%%
XBeifeld's Principle:
X The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
X receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
X he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)
X a better looking and richer male friend.
X%%
X"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
X%%
X"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
X%%
XBell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
X%%
XBennett's Laws of Horticulture:
X (1) Houses are for people to live in.
X (2) Gardens are for plants to live in.
X (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
X%%
X"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"
X -- Time Bandits
X%%
XBesides the device, the box should contain:
X
X* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
X
X* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two
X club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.
X
XYOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram
Xcable.
X
XIF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your
Xspouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car
Xthat can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
Xwithout a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's
Xwhy."
X
XWARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
X -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
X%%
Xbetter !pout !cry
Xbetter watchout
Xlpr why
Xsanta claus <north pole >town
X
Xcat /etc/passwd >list
Xncheck list
Xncheck list
Xcat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
Xcat list | grep nice >giftlist
Xsanta claus <north pole > town
X
Xwho | grep sleeping
Xwho | grep awake
Xwho | egrep 'bad|good'
Xfor (goodness sake) {
X be good
X}
X%%
XBetter dead than mellow.
X%%
XBetween 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
XBay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
XUsing a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
Xgreat effort pushing boulders into a single word.
X
XIt can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow.
XGovernment officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin
Xequivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the
Xdestruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass
Xboth Parliament and Party.
X
XIt stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other
Xplanets, this may be the first message received from us.
X -- The Realist, November, 1964.
X%%
X"Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not
Xtried it."
X -- Donald Knuth
X%%
XBeware of computerized fortune-tellers!
X%%
XBeware of low-flying butterflies.
X%%
XBeware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.
X -- Leonard Brandwein
X%%
XBeware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a
Xdrip under pressure.
X%%
X"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and
Xfinds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of
Xmurderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by
Xtheir ignorance the hard way."
X -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
X%%
XBeware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
Xnothing of interest is easy.
X%%
XBinary, adj.:
X Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
X%%
X"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
Xthing as division."
X%%
XBipolar, adj.:
X Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo,
X New York
X%%
XBirth, n.:
X The first and direst of all disasters.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XBizarreness is the essence of the exotic
X%%
XBizoos, n.:
X The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a
X basketball.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
X... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
X%%
XBlessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
X%%
XBlessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as
XWheels.
X%%
XBLISS is ignorance
X%%
XBlood flows down one leg and up the other.
X%%
XBlood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
X%%
XBlore's Razor:
X Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is
Xfunnier.
X%%
XBoard the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in
Xplain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has
Xit that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was
Xarrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept
Xthrowing up on them.
X%%
XBoling's postulate:
X If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
X%%
XBolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
X Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
X vividly manifests their lack of progress.
X%%
XBombeck's Rule of Medicine:
X Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
X%%
XBOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
X%%
XBoob's Law:
X You always find something in the last place you look.
X%%
XBore, n.:
X A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.
X -- Walter Winchell
X%%
XBore, n.:
X A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XBoren's Laws:
X (1) When in charge, ponder.
X (2) When in trouble, delegate.
X (3) When in doubt, mumble.
X%%
XBoss, n.:
X According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages
X the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except
X that boss, in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers"
X also meant "an ornamental stud."
X%%
XBoston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
Xthat out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
Xstraightened out for a crowbar.
X -- O. W. Holmes
X%%
XBoston, n.:
X Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
X finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
X%%
XBoy, n.:
X A noise with dirt on it.
X%%
XBoys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least
Xwhen they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
X -- James Thurber
X%%
XBoys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
X -- Kin Hubbard
X%%
XBrace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the
Xunique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only
X(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend
Xto think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.'
X -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking
X Style"
X%%
XBradley's Bromide:
X If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
X committee -- that will do them in.
X%%
XBrady's First Law of Problem Solving:
X When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
X easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
X Ranger have handled this?"
X%%
XBrain fried -- Core dumped
X%%
XBrain, n.:
X The apparatus with which we think that we think.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XBrain, v. [as in "to brain"]:
X To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of
X error in an opponent.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XBreast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests,
Xsince they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
X -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
X%%
XBride, n.:
X A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XBringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
Xrevitalize the corner saloon.
X%%
XBritish Israelites:
X The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of
X Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel
X deported by Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721
X B.C. ... They further believe that the future can be foretold
X by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably means
X it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs. They
X also believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow
X a fairy will come and take all your teeth.
X -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
X%%
XBroad-mindedness, n.:
X The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
X%%
XBrontosaurus Principle:
X Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
Xin relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
Xthis occurs, they are an endangered species.
X -- Thomas K. Connellan
X%%
XBrook's Law:
X Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
X%%
XBrooke's Law:
X Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
X discovers something which either abolishes the system or
X expands it beyond recognition.
X%%
XBubble Memory, n.:
X A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
X intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
X%%
XBucy's Law:
X Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
X%%
XBug, n.:
X An aspect of a computer program which exists because the
X programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when
X s/he wrote the program.
X
XFortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.
X -- Ray Simard
X%%
XBugs, pl. n.:
X Small living things that small living boys throw on small
X living girls.
X%%
XBULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the
X outfit."
XGENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
XBULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
X -- Jay Ward
X%%
XBumper sticker:
X
X"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
Xmanufacture"
X%%
XBureaucrat, n.:
X A person who cuts red tape sideways.
X -- J. McCabe
X%%
XBureaucrat, n.:
X A politician who has tenure.
X%%
XBureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.
X%%
XBurn's Hog Weighing Method:
X (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a
X sawhorse.
X (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.
X (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again
X perfectly balanced.
X (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
X -- Robert Burns
X%%
X ... But among the children of the Great Society there were
Xthose whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
Xand of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
X Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
Xthey called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
Xpeople go to the front of the bus."
X But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
Xdeliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
Xyourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
Xunto a snowball in Hell."
X -- "The Begatting of a President"
X%%
X... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
Xeasily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
Xand were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
Xupon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
Xwithout a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
Xon it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
Xwas ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
Xsorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
Xhuman testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
X"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
Xpaws."
X%%
X"But I don't like Spam!!!!"
X%%
X... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
Xintellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
Xwe can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
Xthat now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
Xof their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
Xexample of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
Xmakes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
Xwhether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
Xfinite or an infinite number.
X -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
X%%
XBut in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
Xsystem, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
Xanalyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
X -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing
X Compilers"
X%%
X"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast
Xto the nearest gas station."
X%%
XBut scientists, who ought to know
XAssure us that it must be so.
XOh, let us never, never doubt
XWhat nobody is sure about.
X -- Hilaire Belloc
X%%
XBut soft you, the fair Ophelia:
XOpe not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
XBut get thee to a nunnery -- go!
X -- Mark "The Bard" Twain
X%%
XBut the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
Xwas a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
Xeducation and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in
X1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
XAmerican homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
Xinvented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
Xinvented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant
Xadaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
Xelectricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
Xelectricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
Xpart) sends it right back to the customer again.
X
XThis means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
Xof electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
Xvery few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
XIn fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
XStates was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
Xever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
Xincreases.
X -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
X%%
X"But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad
Xplace to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge.
XWhy do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a
Xkludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs,
Xpoor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I
Xexplained yet about the bytes?"
X%%
X... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
X -- Virginia Masters
X%%
X"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
Xcomputers?"
X%%
XBuzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
XOf hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
XLess dear than army ants in apple pies
XArt thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
XDropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
XLike honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
XThey suck, and like the double-breasted suit
XAre out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
XGo fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
XAnd stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
XThy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
XThy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
XBe off, I say; go bug somebody new,
XScram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
X%%
XBy doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task
Xcompletely overwhelm you.
X%%
X"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact,
Xit is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to
Xinvent. (R. Emerson)"
X -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
X (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
X [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
X misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
X%%
XBy trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I
Xmean.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XBypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
Xpoint B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
Xfast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
Xoften given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
Xfrom point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
Xthat so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often
Xwish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
Xthey wanted to be.
X -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
X%%
XC, n.:
X A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more
X like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one,
X or anything else. It is either the best language available to
X the art today, or it isn't.
X -- Ray Simard
X%%
XCabbage, n.:
X A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as
X a man's head.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XCahn's Axiom:
X When all else fails, read the instructions.
X%%
XCalifornia is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
X -- Fred Allen
X%%
XCalifornia, n.:
X From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
X Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
X "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot
X sex."
X -- Ed Moran
X%%
XCall on God, but row away from the rocks.
X -- Indian proverb
X%%
X"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target
XLos Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
X%%
X"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
X -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
X%%
X"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
XCorner, Vermont."
X -- Clarence Darrow
X%%
XCampus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two
Xpoints.
X -- M. M. Johnston
X%%
XCanada Bill Jone's Motto:
X It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
X
XSupplement:
X A .44 magnum beats four aces.
X%%
XCanada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents
Xfor postage and 30 cents for storage.
X -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial
X Post
X%%
XCancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
XAbscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
XA root or two, a torus and a node:
XThe inverse of my verse, a null domain.
X -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
X%%
XCANCER (June 21 - July 22)
X You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
X problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting
X things off. That's why you'll never make anything of
X yourself. Most welfare recipients are Cancer people.
X%%
XCanonical, adj.:
X The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true
Xstory: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some
Xannoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a
Xpoint of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and
Xeventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used
Xthe word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking.
X Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!"
X Stallman: "What did he say?"
X Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way."
X%%
XCAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
X You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
X much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a
X Capricorn of any importance. Capricorns should avoid standing
X still for too long as they take root and become trees.
X%%
XCaptain Penny's Law:
X You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
X the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
X%%
XCarelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
Xexpected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
Xcomplete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
Xplanning to reduce the time it takes.
X%%
XCarmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and
Xtrousers that don't match.
X%%
XCarperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.:
X The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a
X dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it,
X then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XCat, n.:
X Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
X%%
XCauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XCaution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
X%%
XCChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
X%%
XCecil, you're my final hope
XOf finding out the true Straight Dope
XFor I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat
XBut none of my cats are at all like that.
XThis unusual animal (so it is said)
XIs simultaneously alive and dead!
XWhat I don't understand is just why he
XCan't be one or the other, unquestionably.
XMy future now hangs in between eigenstates.
XIn one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't.
XIf *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way
XAnd rescue my psyche from quantum decay.
XBut if this queer thing has perplexed even you,
XThen I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo.
X -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium
X of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams
X%%
XCelebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
X%%
XCelestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the
Xcenter of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation
Xworks. An incorrect model can be a useful tool.
X -- Kelvin Throop III
X%%
XCensus Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
Xhow many?
X%%
XCerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel.
XJaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something
XCerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy
X out of it?
XJaka: Ugh!
XCerebus: You don't like apricot brandy?
X -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret"
X%%
XCertain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
Xwalk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
Xthen point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
Xhealth and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
Xnot because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
Xonly robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
Xothers who have tried it.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XCertainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
X Did you ever try buying then without money?
X -- Ogden Nash
X%%
X Chapter 1
X
XThe story so far:
X
X In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
Xof people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
X%%
XCharacter Density, n.:
X The number of very weird people in the office.
X%%
XCheckuary, n.:
X The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and
X ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on
X his checks.
X%%
XChef, n.:
X Any cook who swears in French.
X%%
XChemicals, n.:
X Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
X%%
XChicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
X%%
XChicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
X Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
X headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
X -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
X%%
XChicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:
X The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
X for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver
X will cheerfully baste you.
X -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
X%%
XChicago, n.:
X Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
X%%
XChicken Little only has to be right once.
X%%
XChicken Little was right.
X%%
XChicken Soup, n.:
X An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
X cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup
X can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
X -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
X%%
XChildren are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
Xeffort to teach them good manners.
X%%
XChildren are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're
Xgoing to catch you in next.
X -- Franklin P. Jones
X%%
END_OF_scene.ab
echo shar: 22 control characters may be missing from \"scene.ab\"
if test 44322 -ne `wc -c <scene.ab`; then
echo shar: \"scene.ab\" unpacked with wrong size!
fi
# end of overwriting check
fi
echo shar: End of archive 6 \(of 16\).
cp /dev/null ark6isdone
MISSING=""
for I in 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 ; do
if test ! -f ark${I}isdone ; then
MISSING="${MISSING} ${I}"
fi
done
if test "${MISSING}" = "" ; then
echo You have unpacked all 16 archives.
rm -f ark[1-9]isdone ark[1-9][0-9]isdone
else
echo You still need to unpack the following archives:
echo " " ${MISSING}
fi
## End of shell archive.
exit 0