games-request@tekred.TEK.COM (06/01/87)
Submitted by: arnold@apollo.UUCP
Comp.sources.games: Volume 1, Issue 33
Archive-name: fortune/Part07
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# Contents: scene.ac
# Wrapped by billr@tekred on Thu May 21 15:14:41 1987
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XChildren aren't happy without something to ignore,
XAnd that's what parents were created for.
X -- Ogden Nash
X%%
XChildren seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
Xword what you shouldn't have said.
X%%
XChism's Law of Completion:
X The amount of time required to complete a government project is
X precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
X%%
XChisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
X When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
X%%
XChivalry, Schmivalry!
X Roger the thief has a
X method he uses for
X sneaky attacks:
XFolks who are reading are
X Characteristically
X Always Forgetting to
X Guard their own bac ...
X%%
XChrist:
X A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
X%%
XChurchill's Commentary on Man:
X Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
X time he will pick himself up and continue on.
X%%
XCigarette, n.:
X A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in
X between.
X%%
XCinemuck, n.:
X The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which
X covers the floors of movie theaters.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XClairvoyant, n.:
X A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that
Xwhich is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.
X -- Ambrose Bierce
X%%
XCleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like
Xshoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
X -- Phyllis Diller
X%%
XCleanliness is next to impossible.
X%%
XCleveland still lives. God ____must be dead.
X%%
X"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day."
X%%
XCloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
X%%
XClothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
Xsociety.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XCOBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
X%%
XCocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
X%%
XCogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
X"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XCoincidence, n.:
X You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
Xgoing on.
X%%
XCoincidences are spiritual puns.
X -- G. K. Chesterton
X%%
XCold, adj.:
X When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
X%%
XCold, adj.:
X When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own
X pockets.
X%%
XCollaboration, n.:
X A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the
X other fellow can spell.
X%%
XCollege football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
Xfaculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
Xthe trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
Xlegs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
Xloss to humanity.
X -- H. L. Mencken
X%%
XColvard's Logical Premises:
X All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it
X won't.
X
XColvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
X This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
X attracted to.
X
XGrelb's Commentary
X Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
X%%
XCome, every frustum longs to be a cone,
XAnd every vector dreams of matrices.
XHark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
XIt whispers of a more ergodic zone.
X -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
X%%
XCome, let us hasten to a higher plane,
XWhere dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
XTheir indices bedecked from one to _n,
XCommingled in an endless Markov chain!
X -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
X%%
XCommand, n.:
X Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
Xsuch a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
X%%
X COMMENT
X
XOh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
XA medley of extemporanea;
XAnd love is thing that can never go wrong;
XAnd I am Marie of Roumania.
X -- Dorothy Parker
X%%
XCommitment, n.:
X Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
X The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
X%%
XCommittee Rules:
X (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
X (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
X stamps you as being wise.
X (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the
X others.
X (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
X (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
X popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
X%%
XCommittee, n.:
X A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
Xdecide that nothing can be done.
X -- Fred Allen
X%%
XCommittees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
Xbe appointed to do the work.
X%%
XCommon sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at
Xdifferent speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
X -- Clive James
X%%
XCommon sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.
X -- Josh Billings
X%%
XCommon sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
X -- Albert Einstein
X%%
XComputer programmers do it byte by byte
X%%
XComputer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems
Xtheory.
X%%
XComputers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
X%%
XComputers are useless. They can only give you answers.
X -- Pablo Picasso
X%%
XComputers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in
Xthe world that just don't add up.
X%%
XComputers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more
Xthan the estimate the job will cost.
X%%
XConceit causes more conversation than wit.
X -- LaRouchefoucauld
X%%
XConcept, n.:
X Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
X $25,000.
X%%
X... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this
Xbusiness, it probably would be gibberish.
X -- Thom McLeod
X%%
XCondense soup, not books!
X%%
XConfession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
Xgood for dandruff.
X -- Peter de Vries
X%%
XConfidence is the feeling you have before you understand the
Xsituation.
X%%
XCongratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
Xwould give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
Xyou undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
Xmaneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS
XOWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY
XUNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED
XIT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD
XWHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND
XSET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS,
XRIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS,
XRIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE
XFACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?
X -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!"
X%%
XConnector Conspiracy, n:
X [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the
XKL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of
Xmanufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything)
Xto come up with new products which don't fit together with the old
Xstuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive
Xinterface devices.
X%%
XConscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
X -- H. L. Mencken
X%%
XConscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
X -- H. L. Mencken
X%%
XConscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
X%%
XConscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you
Xwish you weren't.
X%%
X"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."
X -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
X%%
XConsultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
Xgive it back to them.
X%%
X"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
Xif it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
X -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
X%%
X"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
Xtechnology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
X%%
XConversation, n.:
X A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath
X is called the listener.
X%%
XConway's Law:
X In any organization there will always be one person who knows
X what is going on.
X
X This person must be fired.
X%%
XCoronation, n.:
X The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
X visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a
X dynamite bomb.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XCorrupt, adj.:
X In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
X%%
XCorrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a
Xmuddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can
Xmake of capitalism.
X -- Walter Lippmann
X%%
XCorruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job
Xis to enforce the law and fight crime.
X -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
X%%
XCourt, n.:
X A place where they dispense with justice.
X -- Arthur Train
X%%
XCoward, n.:
X One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XCrash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with
Xnine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.
X -- Wernher von Braun
X%%
XCrime does not pay ... as well as politics.
X -- A. E. Newman
X%%
XCritic, n.:
X A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
X to please him.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XCroll's Query:
X If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
X%%
X"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
Xeliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
Xbusiness of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
X -- Johnny Hart
X%%
XCynic, n.:
X A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
X as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of
X plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XCynic, n.:
X One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
X eye.
X%%
XDarth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
X%%
XDawn, n.:
X The time when men of reason go to bed.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XDay of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
X%%
X%DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory
XVMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears
X%%
XDealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also
Xeasy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to
Ximprove.
X%%
XDear Lord:
X I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On
X the other hand", again.
X%%
XDear Miss Manners:
X My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's
X elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in
X between courses, is all right. Which is correct?
X
XGentle Reader:
X For the purpose of answering examinations in your home
X economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this
X principle of education may be of even greater importance to you
X now than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss
X Manners believes that is.
X%%
XDear Miss Manners:
X Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
X your face.
X
XGentle Reader:
X Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
X your face ...
X%%
XDear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part
Xof this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old
Xwill be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a
Xcommercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as
X"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a
Xtable next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always
Xsays: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean,
X"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this
Xcomplete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim
Xif, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a
Xdead bat?
X
XAnswer: Yes.
X -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
X%%
XDear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe?
X
XAnswer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business
Xsigns to alert the reader than an "S" is coming up at the end of a
Xword, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
XANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when
Xcreating hand- lettered small-business signs is that you should put
Xquotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT
XDOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S.
X -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
X%%
XDeath is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
X%%
XDeath is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
X -- R. Geis
X%%
XDeath is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
X%%
X"Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'".
X%%
XDeath is nature's way of telling you to slow down
X%%
XDeath is only a state of mind.
X
XOnly it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
X%%
XDeath to all fanatics!
X%%
XDecision maker, n.:
X The person in your office who was unable to form a task force
X before the music stopped.
X%%
XDecisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really
Xoverwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene
Xlanguage may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the
Xjudging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when
Xaddressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
X -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing
X Assoc.
X%%
X Deck Us All With Boston Charlie
X
XDeck us all with Boston Charlie,
XWalla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
XNora's freezin' on the trolley,
XSwaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
X
XDon't we know archaic barrel,
XLullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
XTrolley Molly don't love Harold,
XBoola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
X -- Walt Kelly
X%%
X"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
Xmarvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a
Xtheory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,
Xthose who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly
Xblessed.
X -- Randy Davis
X%%
X DELETE A FORTUNE!
X
XDon't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
Xto see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
X"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
Xgets expunged.
X%%
XDeliberation, n.:
X The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
X buttered on.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
X"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow."
X%%
XDemocracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
Xwe deserve.
X -- George Bernard Shaw
X%%
XDemocracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
Xaloud what the country could do under first-class management.
X -- Senator Soaper
X%%
XDemocracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
Xincompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
X -- G. B. Shaw
X%%
XDemocracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
Xdon't think.
X%%
XDemocracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by
XJackasses.
X -- H. L. Mencken
X%%
XDemocracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse.
X -- Jawaharlal Nehru
X%%
XDemocracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people
Xare right more than half of the time.
X -- E. B. White
X%%
XDemocracy, n.:
X A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass
Xmeeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy.
XAttitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights.
XAttitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate,
Xwhether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion,
Xprejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences.
XResult is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.
X -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
X since withdrawn.
X%%
XDemographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the
Xboard. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
X%%
XDentist, n.:
X A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
X coins out of one's pockets.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XDespising machines to a man,
XThe Luddites joined up with the Klan,
X And ride out by night
X In a sheeting of white
XTo lynch all the robots they can.
X -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson
X%%
XDessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will
Xbe the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
Xthe table.
X -- The Anarchist Cookbook
X%%
X DETERIORATA
X
XGo placidly amid the noise and waste,
XAnd remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
XAvoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
XRotate your tires.
XSpeak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
XAnd heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
XKnow what to kiss -- and when.
XRemember that two wrongs never make a right,
XBut that three do.
XWherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
XBe comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
XAnd despite the changing fortunes of time,
XThere is always a big future in computer maintenance.
X
X You are a fluke of the universe ...
X You have no right to be here.
X Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
X Is laughing behind your back.
X -- National Lampoon
X%%
XDeVries's Dilemma:
X If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
X hits the paper.
X%%
XDid I say 2? I lied.
X%%
XDid you know ...
X
XThat no-one ever reads these things?
X%%
XDid you know that clones never use mirrors?
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XDid you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
Xthat shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
X
X "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and
X squirrel."
X
X -- ihuxw!tommyo
X%%
XDie, v.:
X To stop sinning suddenly.
X -- Elbert Hubbard
X%%
X"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a
Xconventional thing to happen to him."
X -- John Barrymore's dying words
X%%
XDifferent all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
X%%
XDimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
XVelocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
X%%
XDiplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
X%%
XDisc space -- the final frontier!
X%%
XDisco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
X%%
XDistinctive, adj.:
X A different color or shape than our competitors.
X%%
XDistress, n.:
X A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XDistrict of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape
Xinjury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any
Xdamage inflicted on the vehicle.
X%%
XDo infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
X%%
XDo molecular biologists wear designer genes?
X%%
XDo not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
X%%
XDo not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon.
X%%
XDo not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to
Xanger.
X%%
XDo not read this fortune under penalty of law.
XViolators will be prosecuted.
X(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
X%%
XDo not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
X%%
XDo not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each
Xday as it comes.
X -- Donald Kaul
X%%
XDo something unusual today. Pay a bill.
X%%
XDo what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
X%%
XDo you have lysdexia?
X%%
XDo you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take
Xthe time to take the dirt out of them?
X%%
X"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"
X"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!"
X"I've never done anything illegal before."
X"I thought you said you were an accountant!"
X%%
XDocumentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
Xwhen it is bad, it is better than nothing.
X -- Dick Brandon
X%%
XDocumentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must
Xbe good because the programmers hate it so much.
X%%
XDoes the name Pavlov ring a bell?
X%%
XDon't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
X%%
XDon't be humble ... you're not that great.
X -- Golda Meir
X%%
XDon't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
X%%
XDon't change the reason, just change the excuses!
X -- Joe Cointment
X%%
X"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
Xsincerely, extremely dangerously.
X
XThey used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs.
XThey used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They
Xused intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used
Xfinks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used
Xfallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints.
XThey used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile.
XThey used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.
XThey used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And
Xwhat the hell, they caught him.
X
X -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the
X Tick-Tock Man"
X%%
XDon't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
X%%
XDon't feed the bats tonight.
X%%
XDon't get even -- get odd!
X%%
XDon't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly
Xmisleading. Debug only code.
X -- Dave Storer
X%%
X"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes
Xyou nothing. It was here first."
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XDon't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
X%%
XDon't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
X%%
XDon't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
X%%
XDon't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
X%%
XDon't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
X%%
XDon't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking
Xdistance.
X%%
XDon't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
X%%
XDon't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
X%%
XDon't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
Xit today you can do it again tomorrow.
X%%
X"Don't say yes until I finish talking."
X -- Darryl F. Zanuck
X%%
XDon't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.
XCheat.
X -- Ambrose Bierce
X%%
XDon't suspect your friends -- turn them in!
X -- "Brazil"
X%%
XDon't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out if it alive.
X%%
XDon't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
X%%
X"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
Xget more wax!!"
X%%
XDon't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts
Xavoiding you.
X -- The Old Farmer's Almanac
X%%
X"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any
Xgood, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."
X -- Howard Aiken
X%%
XDon't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already
Xtomorrow in Australia.
X -- Charles Schultz
X%%
XDon't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
Xbusy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
X%%
XDon't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
X%%
XDon: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she
X pretty?
XW. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
X bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
X sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
XDon: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
XW. C.: It's almost impossible.
X -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson
X E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
X%%
X Double Bucky
X (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
X
XDouble bucky, you're the one!
XYou make my keyboard lots of fun
X Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
X(Vo-vo-de-o!)
XControl and Meta side by side,
XAugmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
X Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
X
XDouble bucky, left and right
XOR'd together, outta sight!
X Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
X Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
X Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
X
X -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
X%%
XDouble-Blind Experiment, n.:
X An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
Xfooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a
Xbelief in the tooth fairy.
X%%
XDown with categorical imperative!
X%%
X"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
X%%
XDrew's Law of Highway Biology:
X The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
X of your eyes.
X%%
XDrink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.
X%%
XDrive defensively. Buy a tank.
X%%
XDrugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic
Xroute!
X%%
XDucharme's Axiom:
X If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
X yourself as part of the problem.
X%%
XDucharme's Precept:
X Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
X%%
XDuct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and
Xit holds the universe together ...
X -- Carl Zwanzig
X%%
XDue to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
Xhas been discontinued.
X%%
XDue to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate
Xand captain of your soul.
X%%
X During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
Xwere blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
Xred-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
X"Hey, you almost hit my wife."
X "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
Xshot at mine, over there."
X%%
XDuring the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
Xtimes, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
X%%
X"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have
Xnothing whatever to do with it."
X -- W. Somerset Maugham
X%%
XE Pluribus Unix
X%%
XEagleson's Law:
X Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more
Xmonths, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is
Xan optimist, the real number is more like 3 weeks.)
X%%
XEarn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
X%%
X/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
X%%
X"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."
X -- Jeff Berner
X%%
XEasiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
X Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
X cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original
X color of the plastic underneath -- black. According to the
X instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
X -- Steve Rubenstein
X%%
X Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
X%%
X"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."
X%%
XEconomics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
X -- John Kenneth Galbraith
X%%
XEconomics, n.:
X Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K.
X Galbraith ...
X -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
X%%
XEconomists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy
Xwould turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it
Xhasn't.
X -- Robert Orben
X%%
XEconomists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a
Xpercentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
X -- Edgar R. Fiedler
X%%
XEd Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
X -- Fred Allen
X%%
XEducation is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.
X -- Irsin Edman
X%%
XEggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
X -- Adlai Stevenson
X%%
XEggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many
Xpeople wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable
Xcomes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where
Xthe "nog" comes from.
X
XTo make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in
Xseason, eggs...
X%%
XEgotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
Xof being a damned fool.
X -- Bellamy Brooks
X%%
XEgotist, n.:
X A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XEhrman's Commentary:
X (1) Things will get worse before they get better.
X (2) Who said things would get better?
X%%
XEighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
X -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star
X%%
XEleanor Rigby
X Sits at the keyboard
X And waits for a line on the screen
XLives in a dream
XWaits for a signal
X Finding some code
X That will make the machine do some more.
XWhat is it for?
X
XAll the lonely users, where do they all come from?
XAll the lonely users, why does it take so long?
X%%
XElectrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
X%%
X Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
Xcalled electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
Xhave been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
Xmost American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
Xtime it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
Xhave traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
Xalthough God alone knows why it would want to.
X The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
Xdirect current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
Xhave alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
Xdirection for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
Xharmful electron buildup in the wires.
X -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
X%%
XElectrocution, n.:
X Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
X%%
XElevators smell different to midgets
X%%
XEmersons' Law of Contrariness:
X Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
X can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
X%%
XEncyclopedia Salesmen:
X Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police
X and tell them your house is being burgled.
X -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
X%%
XEndless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless.
XLoop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop.
X -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
X%%
XEntropy isn't what it used to be.
X%%
XEnzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
Xotherwise require harder thinking.
X -- Jerome Lettvin
X%%
XEpperson's law:
X When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably
Xsomething his wife can beat him at.
X%%
XEqual bytes for women.
X%%
XError in operator: add beer
X%%
XEs brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
X Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
XUnd aller-m"umsige Burggoven
X Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
X -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
X%%
XEternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
X -- Woody Allen
X%%
XEtymology, n.:
X Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
X were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was
X formed from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"),
X and "logy" ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that
X are hard to swallow."
X -- Mike Kellen
X%%
XEven if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to
Xspeak it to?
X -- Clarence Darrow
X%%
X"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
X -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
X%%
XEven though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United
XStates we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only 2 cents a day.
X%%
XEver notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
Xjust how busy they are.
X%%
XEver since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what,
Xexactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men."
XAll the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with
Xspears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about:
XWould you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please
Xtake her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something?
XMy wife is available. No. How about ..."
X -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
X%%
XEvery 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman
Xand stop her.
X%%
XEvery absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
X%%
XEvery creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.
X%%
XEvery gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
Xsignifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
Xfed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
Xspending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
Xgenius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way
Xof life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is
Xhumanity hanging on a cross of iron.
X -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
X%%
XEvery Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation):
X
XHorses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in
Xfront they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an
Xodd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even
Xand odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of
Xlegs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere,
Xthere is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse
Xof another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same
Xcolor"], that does not exist.
X%%
XEvery improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
X -- Frank Moore Colby
X%%
XEvery journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
X%%
XEvery little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
X -- Don Vonada
X%%
X"Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95."
X%%
XEvery man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.
X -- Miguel de Cervantes
X%%
XEvery nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.
X
XIt makes sense, when you don't think about it.
X%%
XEvery program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one
Xinstruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every
Xprogram can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
X%%
XEvery program has two purposes -- written and another for which it
Xwasn't.
X%%
XEvery program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
X%%
XEvery solution breeds new problems.
X%%
XEvery successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
Xguarantee of eventual success.
X%%
X"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."
X%%
XEvery word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.
X -- Beckett
X%%
XEverybody is somebody else's weirdo.
X -- Dykstra
X%%
XEverybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
X%%
XEveryone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be
Xtaught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers.
X%%
XEveryone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to
Xrealize it.
X%%
XEveryone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
Xformulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
Xscientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
Xwholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of
Xexistence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
Xdiscuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
Xproblem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
Xmythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
Xone might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
Xdifferent way ...
X -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
X%%
XEveryone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it.
X%%
XEverything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
Xno one we know belongs.
X%%
XEverything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
Xthat a belch is more satisfying.
X -- Ingmar Bergman
X%%
XEverything should be built top-down, except the first time.
X%%
XEverything you know is wrong!
X%%
XEverything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less
Xobvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no
Xsolids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid.
XThere are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
Xstraight lines.
X -- R. Buckminster Fuller
X%%
X Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
Xmall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
X"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
Xhow to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
X"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
XSo the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
X -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
X%%
XExcellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
X%%
XExcellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
X%%
XExcellent day to have a rotten day.
X%%
XExcellent time to become a missing person.
X%%
XExcess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from
Xacquiring the deadening effect of a habit.
X -- W. Somerset Maugham
X%%
XExcessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
X%%
XExecutive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do
Xthe work.
X -- John G. Pollard
X%%
XExpect the worst, it's the least you can do.
X%%
XExpense Accounts, n.:
X Corporate food stamps.
X%%
XExperience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
X -- Olivier
X%%
XExperience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
Xwhen you make it again.
X -- F. P. Jones
X%%
XExperience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and
Xthe instruction afterward.
X%%
XExperience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old
Xones.
X%%
XExperience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
X%%
XExperience varies directly with equipment ruined.
X%%
XExtract from Official Sweepstakes Rules:
X
X NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE
X
XTo claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully
Xcut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand
Xcorner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and
Xaddress -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) --
Xto a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower
Xleft hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card
Xbelow your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your
Xcomputer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL
XSWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card
X(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the the
XOfficial Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be
Xdisqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
Xthis address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
Xcompletely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
X%%
XF u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
X%%
Xf u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
X%%
Xf u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
X%%
XF: When into a room I plunge, I
X Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
X Then I linger, darkly brooding
X On the poison they're exuding.
X -- The Roguelet's ABC
X%%
XFacts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
X%%
XFairy Tale, n.:
X A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
X%%
XFaith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
Xwithout looking to see whether the seeds move.
X%%
XFaith, n:
X That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be
X untrue.
X%%
XFakir, n:
X A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost
X religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources
X seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
X%%
XFamiliarity breeds attempt
X%%
XFamilies, when a child is born
XWant it to be intelligent.
XI, through intelligence,
XHaving wrecked my whole life,
XOnly hope the baby will prove
XIgnorant and stupid.
XThen he will crown a tranquil life
XBy becoming a Cabinet Minister
X -- Su Tung-p'o
X%%
XFamous last words:
X%%
XFamous last words:
X (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
X (2) "You and what army?"
X (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
X a cop."
X%%
XFamous last words:
X (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
X (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there.
X (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
X (4) We won't need reservations.
X (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year.
X (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded.
X (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
X%%
XFamous, adj.:
X Conspicuously miserable.
X -- Ambrose Bierce
X%%
XFar out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
XWestern Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
XOrbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
Xutterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
Xforms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
Xare a pretty neat idea ...
X -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
X%%
XFashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
Xevery six months.
X -- Oscar Wilde
X%%
XFats Loves Madelyn
X%%
XFeel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...
X%%
XFertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children,
Xneither will you.
X%%
X Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
Xother, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
Xthe upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
Xd'oeuvres.
X Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
Xto each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
XChristmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
Xpiano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
X Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
Xinanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
Xother peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
Xplacing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
Xthe little hammers strike.
X Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
Xtheir naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
XChristmas tree. The piano is missing.
X
X You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
Xyou rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
X4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
X%%
XFifth Law of Applied Terror:
X If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
X
XCorollary:
X If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
X live.
X%%
XFifth Law of Procrastination:
X Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
X there is nothing important to do.
X%%
XFifty flippant frogs
XWalked by on flippered feet
XAnd with their slime they made the time
XUnnaturally fleet.
X%%
X FIGHTING WORDS
X
XSay my love is easy had,
X Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
XSay I am too often sad --
X Still behold me at your side.
X
XSay I'm neither brave nor young,
X Say I woo and coddle care,
XSay the devil touched my tongue --
X Still you have my heart to wear.
X
XBut say my verses do not scan,
X And I get me another man!
X -- Dorothy Parker
X%%
XFights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
XCarolina.
X%%
XFinagle's Creed:
X Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
X%%
XFinagle's First Law:
END_OF_scene.ac
echo shar: 28 control characters may be missing from \"scene.ac\"
if test 42780 -ne `wc -c <scene.ac`; then
echo shar: \"scene.ac\" unpacked with wrong size!
fi
# end of overwriting check
fi
echo shar: End of archive 7 \(of 16\).
cp /dev/null ark7isdone
MISSING=""
for I in 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 ; do
if test ! -f ark${I}isdone ; then
MISSING="${MISSING} ${I}"
fi
done
if test "${MISSING}" = "" ; then
echo You have unpacked all 16 archives.
rm -f ark[1-9]isdone ark[1-9][0-9]isdone
else
echo You still need to unpack the following archives:
echo " " ${MISSING}
fi
## End of shell archive.
exit 0