games-request@tekred.TEK.COM (06/01/87)
Submitted by: arnold@apollo.UUCP
Comp.sources.games: Volume 1, Issue 34
Archive-name: fortune/Part08
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# Contents: scene.ad
# Wrapped by billr@tekred on Thu May 21 15:14:43 1987
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X If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
X%%
XFinagle's fourth Law:
X Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
X it worse.
X%%
XFinagle's Second Law:
X No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
X someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
X believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
X%%
XFinagle's Third Law:
X In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
X beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
X
XCorollaries:
X (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
X (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
X don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
X%%
XFinding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture
Xon a rock.
X -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
X%%
XFine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
X%%
XFine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
X%%
XFine's Corollary:
X Functionality breeds Contempt.
X%%
XFinish the sentence below in 25 words or less:
X
X "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..."
X
XMail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
X
X P.O. Box 35
X Baffled Greek, Michigan
X%%
XFirst Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
X Machines that piss people off get murdered.
X -- Pat Taber
X%%
XFirst Law of Bicycling:
X No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
X wind.
X%%
XFirst Law of Procrastination:
X Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
X for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
X imposed the deadline).
X%%
XFirst Law of Socio-Genetics:
X Celibacy is not hereditary.
X%%
XFirst Rule of History:
X History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
X other.
X%%
X"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"
X -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
X%%
XFirst, a few words about tools.
X
XBasically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
Xthe laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
Xinjure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
Xyou're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
Xparticularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
Xgranted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
X -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
X%%
XFive is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
X -- Robert Firth
X%%
XFlappity, floppity, flip
XThe mouse on the m"obius strip;
X The strip revolved,
X The mouse dissolved
XIn a chronodimensional skip.
X%%
XFLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when
Xthe little hand is on the ....
X%%
XFlon's Law:
X There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
X the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
X%%
XFlorence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
Xhusband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
Xjoules!"
X
X"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
Xa moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
X
X"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
Xin my burette ... We must call a copper."
X
XErlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
Xsaid the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
Xof Lawrence Ium.
X
X"We must be careful --- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
Xdangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
Xcatch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
Xactivated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
X -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
X%%
XFlugg's Law:
X When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the
X world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
X%%
XFlying saucers on occasion
X Show themselves to human eyes.
XAliens fume, put off invasion
X While they brand these tales as lies.
X%%
XFog Lamps, n.:
X Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the
X fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate
X that the driver's brain is in a fog.
X
X See also "Idiot Lights".
X%%
XFood for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
X -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
X%%
XFor a good time, call (415) 642-9483
X%%
XFor a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
Xcat.
X%%
X"For an adequate time call 555-3321"
X%%
XFor an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be
Xalways old-fashioned.
X%%
XFor every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
Xand wrong.
X -- H. L. Mencken
X%%
XFor every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
X -- R. Clopton
X%%
X "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
Xof events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
X
X "Whose?"
X
X "MINE! HA-HA!"
X%%
XFor my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
Xlife to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days
Xnow. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets
Xwhen he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch
Xin the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have
Xthe strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which
Xmeans his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are
Xadvertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are
Xthe color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their
Xnames spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot
X("part of this complete breakfast").
X -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
X%%
XFor perfect happiness, remember two things:
X (1) Be content with what you've got.
X (2) Be sure you've got plenty.
X%%
XFor some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say
X"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.
X -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to
X the U.S.
X%%
XFor some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
X%%
X"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of
Xa thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with
Xcomputers altogether?"
X -- Jehan Shuman
X%%
XFor those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they
Xlike.
X -- Abraham Lincoln
X%%
X"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
Xphone calls taper off."
X -- Johnny Carson
X%%
XFor years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
XI'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
XBut now I think a thought that brings me hope:
XNeither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.
X -- Justin Richardson.
X%%
XFor your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
X%%
XForgetfulness, n.:
X A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their
X destitution of conscience.
X%%
XForms follow function, and often obliterate it.
X%%
XFORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6
X
XRAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
X One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and
X arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating
X hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
X%%
Xfortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
X
X I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
X "Hey you, get off my plate"
X -- Roger Midnight
X%%
XFortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week:
X "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
X%%
XFortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
X
X Don't Write On Walls!
X
X (and underneath)
X
X You want I should type?
X%%
XFortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful
XMorals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an
Ximpassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and
Xclam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following
Xexchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
X
XDINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are
X having to artificially propagate oysters and clams.
XHOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?
XDINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter
X is that female oysters through their living habits cast out
X large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large
X amounts of fertilization ...
XHOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many
X teenagers who read The Congressional Record.
X%%
XFortune's Office Door Sign of the Week:
X
X Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
X%%
XFORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14
X
XTired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
Xliquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and
Xlight after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
Xdrinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
X%%
Xfortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
X%%
XFortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri
Xsword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
X
XOh, and have a nice day!
X -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
X%%
XFourth Law of Applied Terror:
X The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
X instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
X
XCorollary:
X Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
X except study for that instructor's course.
X%%
XFourth Law of Revision:
X It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
X interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for
X you.
X%%
XFourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not
Xalmost one, it is damn near zero.
X -- David Ellis
X%%
XFrankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
Xpoliceman's tie.
X%%
XFresco's Discovery:
X If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
X%%
XFriends, Romans, Hipsters,
XLet me clue you in;
XI come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
XThe square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
XThe hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
XGave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
XIf that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
XAnd, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
XHere, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
XSo are they all, all cool cats, --
XCome I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
X%%
XFrisbeetarianism, n.:
X The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and
X gets stuck.
X%%
XFrobnicate, v.:
X To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
X Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob
X a frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and
X TWEAK sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB
X connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross
X manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK
X connotes fine-tuning. If someone is turning a knob on an
X oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it he is
X probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at
X the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing
X it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
X%%
XFrobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.:
X An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to
Xelectronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to
XFROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and
XFROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl.
XFROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
Xvia the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
Xapplied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
X%%
X[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
XAssociation, in Rome]:
X
XThe Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria
Xand of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not
Xspring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods,
Xor of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in
Xmillions of individuals in system functions which, once they have
Xreached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology
Xengaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general,
Xpresident, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social
Xschizophrenia in mass genocide.
X%%
XFrom the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973:
X
XCertain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and
Xthe most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the
XCourt of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his
Xcandidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground
Xnuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts,
Xother than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not
Xqualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their
Xbeing nuts (unground)."
X%%
XFrom the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
Xconvulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
X -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
X%%
X[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made
Xin Japan]:
X
XThe excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT
XMATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is
Xfeatured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality
Xagainst low cost", "diversified functions with compact design",
X"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00
XDot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile
Xoperating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc.
X
XAnd as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help
Xachieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by
XHOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being.
X%%
XFrom the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the
Xinstructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new
Xexperience in sound:
X
X 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading
X sound is normal for this type of connector.
X%%
XFrom too much love of living,
XFrom hope and fear set free,
XWe thank with brief thanksgiving,
XWhatever gods may be,
XThat no life lives forever,
XThat dead men rise up never,
XThat even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea.
X -- Swinburne
X%%
XFuch's Warning:
X If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
Xenough to travel.
X%%
XFudd's First Law of Opposition:
X Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
X%%
XFurbling, v.:
X Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank
X even when you are the only person in line.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XFurious activity is no substitute for understanding.
X -- H. H. Williams
X%%
XFuture looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
X%%
XG. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One
Xof these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
Xsecretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
X`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And
Xthat's your chance, my boy."
X%%
XGarbage In -- Gospel Out.
X%%
XGarter, n.:
X An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her
X stockings and desolating the country.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XGauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall
Xon our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!!
X -- Adventures of Asterix.
X%%
XGay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep".
X
X Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
Xthan the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference:
X "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
XObvious, isn't it?
X Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
Xspeaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
Xlong as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
Xyour friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
Xso on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed
Xindividuals and then grow ...
X Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
Xsigns written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
Xeverything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on
Xthe left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
Xbackwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
Xthink not, my friend, I think not.
X -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
X%%
X "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an
Xextracurricular activity except you."
X "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
X "Only to ten, Mudhead."
X
X -- Firesign Theater
X%%
XGEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
X You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you
X because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect
X too much for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis
X are known for committing incest.
X%%
XGEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20)
X Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while
X you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy
X praise and respect from those around you; everybody loves a
X sucker. A short trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's
X room.
X%%
XGenderplex, n.:
X The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to
X determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and
X tortoises).
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XGenetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
Xyou should.
X%%
XGenius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus
Xhandicapped.
X -- Elbert Hubbard
X%%
XGenius, n.:
X A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
X "bright".
X%%
XGeorge Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0.
X -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
X%%
XGeorge Orwell was an optimist.
X%%
XGeorge Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to
Xhave his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.
X -- Ashley Cooper
X%%
XGerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
X (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong
X direction.
X (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
X (3) The energy required to change either one of these states
X will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so
X much as to make the task totally impossible.
X%%
XGet forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
X%%
X Get GUMMed
X ----------
X
XThe Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
X1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
Xthe ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
Xeach other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
Xchroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
Xnice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
Xdays will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
Xseconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
Xfriendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
XWrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
X"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
XKidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
Xall GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
Xcould tell them.
X -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
X%%
XGet Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
X%%
X -- Gifts for Children --
X
XThis is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
Xbecause they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
Xand months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
Xmorning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
Xexactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
Xyour child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
XCan Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
Xmight help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
Xme, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
Xwho is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
X -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
X%%
X -- Gifts for Men --
X
XMen are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
Xice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
Xshould never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
Xclothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
Xexample, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
Xthree of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
Xthat if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
Xat him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
XSo he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
Xyears without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
Xpretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
X
XIf you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
Xthan once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
Xof tires.
X -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
X%%
X Gimmie That Old Time Religion
XWe will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
XZarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
XI'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
XAnd he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
X (chorus) (chorus)
X
XIn the church of Aphrodite,
XThe priestess wears a see-through nightie,
XShe's a mighty righteous sightie,
XAnd she's good enough for me!
X (chorus)
X
XCHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
X Give me that old time religion,
X Give me that old time religion,
X 'Cause it's good enough for me!
X%%
XGinsberg's Theorem:
X (1) You can't win.
X (2) You can't break even.
X (3) You can't even quit the game.
X
XFreeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
X Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
X meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
X Theorem. To wit:
X
X (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
X (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
X even.
X (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
X game.
X%%
XGive me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place
Xto stand, and I will drain the world.
X%%
X"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."
X -- Napolean
X%%
XGive me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
X%%
XGive thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to
Xa new town.
X%%
XGive your child mental blocks for Christmas.
X%%
X"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying
Xaround, I'd rather lie around. No contest."
X -- Eric Clapton
X%%
XGiving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:
XLanguages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP
Xmachine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.
X -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
X%%
XGlib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
X Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
X probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
X some useful work done.
X%%
XGnagloot, n.:
X A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to
X impress people.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XGo 'way! You're bothering me!
X%%
XGo climb a gravity well!
X%%
XGo placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
Xbe in owning a piece thereof.
X -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
X%%
X//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
X%%
XGod did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
Xand then pulled an all-nighter.
X%%
X"God gives burdens; also shoulders"
X
XJimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the
Xend of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I
Xcan't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why
Xwould he lie about a thing like that?
X -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
X%%
XGod has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ...
XThe trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do
Xnot mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman
X... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on
Xsmoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and
Xwater is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in
Xthe morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at
Xnight!
X -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
X%%
XGod is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
X%%
XGod is a polythiest
X%%
XGod is Dead
X -- Nietzsche
XNietzsche is Dead
X -- God
XNietzsche is God
X -- The Dead
X%%
XGod is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's
X%%
XGod is real, unless declared integer.
X%%
XGod is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the
Xelephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying
Xother things.
X -- Pablo Picasso
X%%
XGod is the tangential point between zero and infinity.
X -- Alfred Jarry
X%%
XGod isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
X%%
XGod made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
X%%
XGod made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XGod made the integers; all else is the work of Man.
X -- Kronecker
X%%
XGod made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
X%%
XGod may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean.
X -- Albert Einstein
X%%
XGod must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.
X%%
XGod rest ye CS students now,
XLet nothing you dismay.
XThe VAX is down and won't be up,
XUntil the first of May.
XThe program that was due this morn,
XWon't be postponed, they say.
X
X Oh, tidings of comfort and joy,
X Comfort and joy,
X Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
X
XThe bearings on the drum are gone,
XThe disk is wobbling, too.
XWe've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol
XCan't tell false from true.
XAnd now we find that we can't get
XAt Berkeley's 4.2.
X
X (chorus)
X%%
XGoing to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to
Xschool make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a
Xperson a car.
X%%
XGold, n.:
X A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It
X is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich
X men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons,
X although gold hasn't done anything to them.
X -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
X%%
XGoldenstern's Rules:
X (1) Always hire a rich attorney
X (2) Never buy from a rich salesman.
X%%
XGood advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
Xexample.
X -- La Rouchefoucauld
X%%
XGood day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
X%%
XGood day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
X%%
XGood day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
X%%
XGood day to let down old friends who need help.
X%%
XGood leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
X%%
XGood news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
X%%
XGood news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
X%%
XGood night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
Xnew lover.
X%%
X"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored."
X -- George Saunders' dying words
X%%
X"Gosh that takes me back ... or forward. That's the trouble with time
Xtravel, you never can tell."
X -- Dr. Who
X%%
XGosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
Xtime travel, you never can tell."
X -- Doctor Who "Androids of Tara"
X%%
XGot Mole problems?
XCall Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
X%%
XGoto, n.:
X A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
X to complain about unstructured programmers.
X -- Ray Simard
X%%
XGovernment lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are
Xdifferent lies.
X%%
XGovernment spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know
Xany more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he
Xdoesn't know much.
X -- Will Rogers
X%%
XGrabel's Law:
X 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
X%%
XGraduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.
X%%
XGrandpa Charnock's Law:
X You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
X%%
XGravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
X%%
XGray's Law of Programming:
X `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
X time as `_n' tasks.
X
XLogg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
X `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks.
X%%
XGreat minds run in great circles.
X%%
X GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
X
XOn this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
XSenator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
Xoff with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
Xwouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
Xmistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
Xtiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
Xstood lookout.
X%%
XGreen light in a.m. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic
Xtickets.
X%%
XGreener's Law:
X Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
X%%
XGrelb's Reminder:
X Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
X average drivers.
X%%
X"Grub first, then ethics."
X -- Bertolt Brecht
X%%
XGurmlish, n.:
X The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which
X prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof
X of his mouth.
X -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets"
X%%
XGyroscope, n.:
X A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
X free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to
X each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of
X the two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of
X torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the
X entire apparatus offers considerable opposition depending on
X the angular momentum to any torque that would change the
X direction of the axis of spin.
X -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
X%%
XH. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
XMencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
X -- Maxwell Bodenheim
X%%
XH. L. Mencken's Law:
X Those who can -- do.
X Those who can't -- teach.
X
XMartin's Extension:
X Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
X%%
XH: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
X Slice him up before he slays you.
X Nothing makes you look a slob
X Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
X -- The Roguelet's ABC
X%%
XHacker's Law:
X The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
X nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
X%%
XHacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
X%%
X... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
Xand you would not have been informed.
X%%
XHail to the sun god
XHe sure is a fun god
XRa! Ra! Ra!
X%%
XHain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big
Xenough majority in any town?
X -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
X%%
XHalf Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
X%%
XHalf-done:
X This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still
Xcrunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference
Xbetween this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
Xthe difference between life and death.
X You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
Xthere in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
Xairport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
XHall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
XEssex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
Xabout fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the
Xman, "Let me have a nice half-done."
X Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
X -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
X%%
XHall's Laws of Politics:
X (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
X (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something
X fixed.
X (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
X military spending, and conservatives social spending in
X their own districts).
X%%
XHand, n.:
X A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
X commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XHanlon's Razor:
X Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
X stupidity.
X%%
XHanson's Treatment of Time:
X There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days
X before Saturday.
X%%
XHappiness is having a scratch for every itch.
X -- Ogden Nash
X%%
XHappiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.
X -- Oscar Levant
X%%
XHappiness, n.:
X An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of
X another.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XHard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
X%%
XHardware, n.:
X The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
X%%
XHark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
Xconvicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
X -- Tobias Smollet
X%%
XHark, Hark, the dogs do bark
XThe Duke is fond of kittens
XHe likes to take their insides out
XAnd use them for his mittens
X From "The Thirteen Clocks"
X%%
XHark, the Herald Tribune sings,
XAdvertising wondrous things.
X -- Tom Lehrer
X%%
XHarris's Lament:
X All the good ones are taken.
X%%
XHarrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
X Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment
X ruined.
X%%
XHarry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
Xmakes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
Xfamous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
Xprobably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you
Xhave never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like
Xenormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their
Xattitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock
Xdown your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law,
Xjust like Richard Nixon."
X -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob"
X%%
XHartley's First Law:
X You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
X on his back, you've got something.
X%%
XHartley's Second Law:
X Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
X%%
XHarvard Law:
X Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
X temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
X organism will do as it damn well pleases.
X%%
XHas everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are
Xtyped with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter
Xkeyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
Xof both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
Xnot only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
X%%
X Has your family tried 'em?
X
X POWDERMILK BISCUITS
X
X Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
X
X They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the
X strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
X
X POWDERMILK BISCUITS
X
X Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the
X biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains
X that indicate freshness.
X%%
XHatred, n.:
X A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
X superiority.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XHave an adequate day.
X%%
XHave people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
Xto defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
Xnon-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
X
XPerhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This
Xstill begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or
Xonly serves to blunt the warning signs.
X
X Long live the revolution!
X Have a nice day.
X%%
XHave you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell
Xyou, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time
Xfor play?
X%%
XHave you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs,
XI mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container
Xfilled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite
Xsex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in
Xtheir hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or
Xmass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why
Xthey are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week.
X -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
X%%
X"Have you lived here all your life?"
X"Oh, twice that long."
X%%
XHave you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
Xcrack in your sidewalk?
X%%
XHave you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline
Xsharply the minute they start waving guns around?
X -- Dr. Who
X%%
X"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions"
X%%
XHe had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation
Xperfectly delightful.
X -- Sydney Smith
X%%
XHe had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and
Xheavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope
Xof ever behaving "normally."
X -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
X%%
XHe hadn't a single redeeming vice.
X -- Oscar Wilde
X%%
X"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XHe looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
X%%
XHe played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
X -- John Mason Brown, drama critic
X%%
XHe thought he saw an albatross
XThat fluttered 'round the lamp.
XHe looked again and saw it was
XA penny postage stamp.
X"You'd best be getting home," he said,
X"The nights are rather damp."
X%%
XHe was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue.
X -- Jonathon Swift
X%%
X"He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him
Xinsufferable."
X%%
X"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
Xeyes ..."
X%%
XHe who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
Xattacks democracy itself.
X -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
X%%
XHe who Laughs, Lasts.
X%%
X"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
X%%
XHe's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
Xthere ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
X%%
X"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
X%%
XHE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
XSHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains.
X -- Walt Kelley
X%%
XHealth is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
X%%
XHealth nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
Xof nothing.
X -- Redd Foxx
X%%
XHealth nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
Xof nothing.
X -- Redd Foxx
X%%
XHeaven, n.:
X A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
X their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention
X while you expound your own.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XHeavy, adj.:
X Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
X%%
X"Heisenberg may have slept here"
X%%
XHell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
X -- Milton Friedman
X%%
XHeller's Law:
X The first myth of management is that it exists.
X
XJohnson's Corollary:
X Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
X organization.
X%%
X"Hello," he lied.
X -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
X%%
XHelp a swallow land at Capistrano.
X%%
XHelp fight continental drift.
X%%
XHelp me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
X%%
XHelp stamp out and abolish redundancy.
X%%
XHelp! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
X%%
XHELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
X -- E. E. CUMMINGS
X%%
XHer locks an ancient lady gave
XHer loving husband's life to save;
XAnd men -- they honored so the dame --
XUpon some stars bestowed her name.
X
XBut to our modern married fair,
XWho'd give their lords to save their hair,
XNo stellar recognition's given.
XThere are not stars enough in heaven.
X%%
X"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
XPresidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
X%%
XHere I sit, broken-hearted,
XAll logged in, but work unstarted.
XFirst net.this and net.that,
XAnd a hot buttered bun for net.fat.
X
XThe boss comes by, and I play the game,
XThen I turn back to net.flame.
XIs there a cure (I need your views),
XFor someone trapped in net.news?
X
XI need your help, I say 'tween sobs,
X'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs.
X%%
XHere in my heart, I am Helen;
X I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
XI'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el;
X I'm Salome, moon of the East.
X
XHere in my soul I am Sappho;
X Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
XIn me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
X With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.
X
XI'm all of the glamorous ladies
X At whose beckoning history shook.
XBut you are a man, and see only my pan,
X So I stay at home with a book.
X -- Dorothy Parker
X%%
XHere is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
Xlesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
Xyour hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
XDid you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
Xpain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
Xbut we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
Ximportant electrical lesson.
X
XIt also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed
Xyour feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
Xobjects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
Xattract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
Xcollect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
Xfriend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
Xcarpet, thus completing the circuit.
X
XAmazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
Xtouching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
Xfinger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
Xhave carpeting.
X -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
X%%
X Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
Xmonth. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
Xare experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
X The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
X(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax
Xtadpole".
X Bite the wax tadpole.
X There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
X The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
Xhard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
Xbite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
Xbut broad satiric vistas do not open up.
X -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
X%%
XHeuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs,
Xthen they'd be algorithms.
X%%
X"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
X -- W. C. Fields
X%%
XHi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
Xreading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
Xnor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
X%%
X"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
XAs you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
Xequal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
XDo you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you
Xprobably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of
Xcourse every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my
Xexperience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out
Xof this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
X
X"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our
Xmotto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
X -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
X%%
XHier liegt ein Mann ganz obnegleich;
XIm Leibe dick, an Suden reich.
XWir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
XWeil es uns dunkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head;
X We buried him today because
X As far as we can tell, he's dead.
X -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty
X Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher;
X "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter
X Schickele
X%%
XHiggeldy Piggeldy,
XHamlet of Elsinore
XRuffled the critics by
XDropping this bomb:
X"Phooey on Freud and his
XPsychoanalysis --
XOedipus, Shmoedipus,
XI just love Mom."
X%%
XHindsight is an exact science.
X%%
XHippogriff, n.:
X An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
X The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half
X eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one
X quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold.
X The study of zoology is full of surprises.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XHire the morally handicapped.
X%%
X"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had
Xmoney, he went to Southern California."
X%%
X"His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice"
X -- Foghorn Leghorn
X%%
X"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier."
X%%
XHistory is curious stuff
X You'd think by now we had enough
XYet the fact remains I fear
X They make more of it every year.
X%%
XHistory repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
X%%
XHistory, n.:
X Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we
END_OF_scene.ad
echo shar: 10 control characters may be missing from \"scene.ad\"
if test 44875 -ne `wc -c <scene.ad`; then
echo shar: \"scene.ad\" unpacked with wrong size!
fi
# end of overwriting check
fi
echo shar: End of archive 8 \(of 16\).
cp /dev/null ark8isdone
MISSING=""
for I in 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 ; do
if test ! -f ark${I}isdone ; then
MISSING="${MISSING} ${I}"
fi
done
if test "${MISSING}" = "" ; then
echo You have unpacked all 16 archives.
rm -f ark[1-9]isdone ark[1-9][0-9]isdone
else
echo You still need to unpack the following archives:
echo " " ${MISSING}
fi
## End of shell archive.
exit 0n