games-request@tekred.TEK.COM (06/02/87)
Submitted by: arnold@apollo.UUCP
Comp.sources.games: Volume 1, Issue 36
Archive-name: fortune/Part10
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# it by saving it into a file and typing "sh file". To overwrite existing
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# Contents: scene.af
# Wrapped by billr@tekred on Thu May 21 15:14:48 1987
PATH=/bin:/usr/bin:/usr/ucb ; export PATH
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XSabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."
X -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
X%%
XIf one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.
X -- A. Einstein.
X%%
XIf only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit
Xin my name at a Swiss bank.
X -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
X%%
XIf only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
X%%
XIf only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
Xhaving to accomplish anything.
X%%
XIf Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,
Xhe should see how bad it is with representation.
X%%
XIf scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
Xarithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the
Xphysical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker
Xentirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.
X -- Vannevar Bush
X%%
XIf someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
Xharder.
X -- Pope John Paul I
X%%
XIf the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
X -- Norm Schryer
X%%
XIf the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to
Xget the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude.
XSee in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving
Xthe natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting
Xthat you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The
Xcollege, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious
Xand unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to
Xrally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective.
XScholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure
Xinterest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by
Xopening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for
Xhimself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for
Xboys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor.
X -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
X%%
X"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for
Xme!"
X -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
X%%
XIf the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
Xare 50-50 it will.
X%%
XIf the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If
Xthe weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the
Xbulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
Xexceed all expectations.
X -- Reverend Chichester
X%%
XIf there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
X%%
XIf there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
Xwill cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
X%%
XIf there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
X -- Art Hoppe
X%%
XIf they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make
Xsomething out of you.
X -- Muhammad Ali
X%%
XIf this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
X%%
XIf this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
X%%
XIf time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
X%%
XIf today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was
Xyesterday?
X%%
XIf two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
Xdoing the thinking.
X -- Lyndon Baines Johnson
X%%
XIf two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
X -- Laurence J. Peter
X%%
X"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely"
X%%
X"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
X%%
XIf while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
Xin a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
Xqualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
X -- Marguerite Emmons
X%%
XIf you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?
X -- Ann Edwards-Duff
X%%
X"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
X -- J. Paul Getty
X%%
XIf you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
X%%
XIf you can read this, you're too close.
X%%
XIf you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
X%%
XIf you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a
Xcall.
X%%
XIf you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
X%%
XIf you cannot convince them, confuse them.
X -- Harry S Truman
X%%
XIf you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
X%%
XIf you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
X%%
XIf you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.
X -- Clarence Day
X%%
XIf you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to
Xeither of you for the rest of the day.
X%%
X"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to
Xhave to get a toehold in the public eye."
X%%
XIf you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
Xwill.
X%%
XIf you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it
Xwill always do it.
X -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
X%%
X"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
Xmake the rubble bounce"
X -- Winston Churchill
X%%
XIf you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
X%%
XIf you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
X%%
X"If you have to hate, hate gently"
X%%
XIf you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to
Xboot yourself in the posterior.
X -- A. J. Liebling
X%%
XIf you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
X%%
XIf you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
X -- Graham Summer
X%%
XIf you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
Xpeople die past the age of a hundred.
X -- George Burns
X%%
XIf you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
Xreally make them think they'll hate you.
X%%
XIf you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
X -- Maslow
X%%
XIf you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
Xcan go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
Xdevelop.
X%%
XIf you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
Xyou. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XIf you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
Xyou won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
Xice, but no cup.
X%%
XIf you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
Xthis garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
Xsomehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
X%%
XIf you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
XIt is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
X Or some joker who is slicker,
X Will trick you of your liquor,
XIf you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
X%%
XIf you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
X -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
X%%
XIf you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
Xtomorrow!
X%%
XIf you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
Xpayments.
X -- Earl Wilson
X%%
XIf you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
X -- Arthur Kasspe
X%%
XIf you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
Xshopping center in the world?
X -- Richard M. Nixon
X%%
XIf you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
Xshopping center in the world?
X -- Richard Nixon
X%%
XIf you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would
Xbe to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call
Xyou to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw
Xanother party next year.
X
XWhat you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up
Xseveral days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've
Xbeen indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to
Xavoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
Xparties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from
Xhaving another one ...
X
XIf your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless
Xyour party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
Xthrough your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure
Xthat they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting
Xsomeone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ...
X%%
XIf you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them
Xend to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.
X -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
X%%
X"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything."
X -- A. L.
X%%
XIf you want divine justice, die.
X -- Nick Seldon
X%%
XIf you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
XConstitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
Xstatecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington
Xtelephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with
Xtitles beginning with the word "National".
X -- George Will
X%%
XIf you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
Xword you say, talk in your sleep.
X%%
X"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
Xmemoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it,
Xeven if they don't know what it means."
X -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
X%%
XIf you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
X%%
XIf you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for
Xtomorrow morning, sleep late.
X -- Henny Youngman
X%%
XIf you're happy, you're successful.
X%%
X If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
Xaround your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
Xexplodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
X"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
Xdeposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
Xbetter part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
Xwith heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
Xyou a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
Xsuccessful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
X And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
XYou figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
Xdifficult can it be?"
X Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
Xwhich is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
Xother people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
Xyourself for far less money. This article can help you.
X -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
X%%
XIf you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
X%%
XIf you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
X -- Benjamin Disraeli
X%%
XIf you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
X%%
X"If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round
Xit off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the
Xuniverse?"
X%%
XIf you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
X -- Ronald Reagan
X%%
XIgnisecond, n.:
X The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car
X door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XIl brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
X Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
XEnm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
X Et le m^omerade horgrave.
X -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
X%%
XIles's Law:
X There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
Xat the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
XNeither will Iles.
X%%
XIllinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
Xland He's trying to ignore.
X%%
XImagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
X -- Jules de Gaultier
X%%
X"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
Xusual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
Xthinks of complaining."
X -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal
X%%
XImagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has
Xa 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk
Xstorage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on
Xvoice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300.
XWhat's the first question that the computer community asks?
X
X"Is it PC compatible?"
X%%
XImmigration is the sincerest form of flattery.
X -- Jack Paar
X%%
XImmortality -- a fate worse than death.
X -- Edgar A. Shoaff
X%%
XImpartial, adj.:
X Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
X espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of
X two conflicting opinions.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XImportant letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
Xmail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
XBoss is reading it.
X%%
XImpossible, adj.:
X (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
X(2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered. Meaning 3 may
Xperhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
X -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
X%%
XIn 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of
Xstairs.
X%%
XIn 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled
Xwaffles.
X%%
XIn 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't
Xget parts.
X%%
XIn 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The
Xcreator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
X%%
XIn 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred
Xsyrup.
X%%
XIn a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only
Xwe can't control when the five year period will begin.
X%%
X In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
Xjunior, what are you up to?"
X "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
Xrabbit.
X "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
X "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the
Xrabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
Xexpression on his face.
X Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
X "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
Xdevour wolves."
X "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
X "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes
Xout with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
XFinally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
Xshould have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
Xnext to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
X
XThe moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
Xit's your PhD advisor that really counts.
X%%
XIn a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
XPiece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
X -- Frank Mankiewicz
X%%
XIn a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
X"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XIn Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
Xwith clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
Xthis a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
X%%
XIn America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
Xsophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
Xthose who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
Xdevil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
Xas a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
X -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
X%%
XIn America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
Xof the risks he takes.
X -- Adlai Stevenson
X%%
XIn an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
Xincompetency
X -- The Peter Principle
X%%
XIn any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
Xare to be treated as variables.
X%%
X"In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of
Xnations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir."
X -- Stuart Keate
X%%
XIn Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own
Xat least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
X%%
XIn Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
X%%
XIn case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
Xwill be temporarily canceled.
X%%
XIn case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and
Xmake it better.
X%%
XIn Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
Xin any motor vehicle.
X%%
X"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable."
X -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery
X%%
XIn Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
Xneighbor.
X%%
XIn Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
X%%
XIn Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last
Xresort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but
Xinferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XIn English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our
Xprogramming languages.
X%%
XIn Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
Xthe sidewalks when a concert is on.
X%%
XIn India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come
Xinto use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish
Xbetween weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which
Xwill only make it mushy.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XIn Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your
Xpocket.
X%%
XIn Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
Xthere is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
Xflag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
X%%
XIn Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as
Xto publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the
Xspeaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
X%%
X"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the
Xuniverse."
X -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
X%%
XIn our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
Xintelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from
Xthe cares of office.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XIn Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying
Xof concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public
Xview."
X%%
XIn Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
XLet superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
XOur asymptotes no longer out of phase,
XWe shall encounter, counting, face to face.
X -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
X%%
XIn Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
Xis over six feet in length.
X%%
XIn seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.
X -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
X%%
X"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian."
X%%
XIn specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
X%%
XIn Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a
Xmoving automobile.
X%%
X[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You
Xcould strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense
Xthat whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ...
X
XAnd that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory
Xover the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we
Xdidn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no
Xpoint in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum;
Xwe were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ....
X
XSo now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in
XLas Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost
X___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and
Xrolled back.
X -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
X%%
XIn the beginning was the word.
XBut by the time the second word was added to it,
Xthere was trouble.
XFor with it came syntax ...
X -- John Simon
X%%
XIn the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
Xthe proper order then why can't he?
X%%
XIn the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful
XDead.
X -- Egyptian Book of the Dead
X%%
XIn the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
X -- Alan Perlis
X%%
XIn the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or
Xa loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it
Xto you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by
Xforty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you
Xstole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit
Xpunches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong
Xenough to punch you.
X -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
X%%
XIn the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has
Xshortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the
XOld Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million
Xthree hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years
Xfrom now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.
X... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such
Xwholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of
Xfact.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XIn the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
Xdrop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
Xdiscotheques.
X -- Art Linkletter
X%%
XIn those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take
Xmy advice.
X -- Winston Churchill
X%%
XIn Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without
Xthe supervision of a licensed engineer.
X%%
XIncumbent, n.:
X Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
X... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
Xsmoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
Xnot a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
X -- Stephen Crane
X%%
XIndividualists unite!
X%%
XInfancy, n.:
X The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven
Xlies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon
Xafterward.
X -- Ambrose Bierce
X%%
XInformation Center, n.:
X A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is
X to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
X%%
XIngrate, n.:
X A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
X indigestion.
X%%
XInjustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
X -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
X%%
XInk, n.:
X A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
X water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and
X promote intellectual crime.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XInnovation is hard to schedule.
X -- Dan Fylstra
X%%
XInsanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
X%%
XInsanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the
Xsalesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
X%%
XInterpreter, n.:
X One who enables two persons of different languages to
X understand each other by repeating to each what it would have
X been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have
X said.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XIntolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
X%%
X INVENTORY
XFour be the things I am wiser to know:
XIdleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
X
XFour be the things I'd been better without:
XLove, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
X
XThree be the things I shall never attain:
XEnvy, content, and sufficient champagne.
X
XThree be the things I shall have till I die:
XLaughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
X%%
XIron Law of Distribution:
X Them that has, gets.
X%%
X"Irrationality is the square root of all evil"
X -- Douglas Hofstadter
X%%
XIs it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
Xmeant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a
Xsoap bubble?
X%%
XIs not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
Xbeginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
Xout, and such as are out wish to get in?
X -- Ralph Emerson
X%%
XIs your job running? You'd better go catch it!
X%%
XIsn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction
Xlisten to weather forecasts and economists?
X -- Kelvin Throop III
X%%
XIsn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
Xtellers take economists seriously?
X%%
XIssawi's Laws of Progress:
X
X The Course of Progress:
X Most things get steadily worse.
X
X The Path of Progress:
X A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
X%%
XIt appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working
Xas the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he
Xhad time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked,
X"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed
XEinstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival
Xcame, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer
Xthis time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the
XCubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so.
XTo the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's
Xyour IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked,
X"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?"
X%%
XIt happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown
Xcame out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and
Xapplauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I
Xthink the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the
Xwits, who believe that it is a joke.
X%%
XIt has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
Xthrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
Xdrawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XIt has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself
Xthat one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that
Xone can learn."
X -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman
X%%
XIt has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have
Xbeen searching for evidence which could support this.
X -- Bertrand Russell
X%%
XIt has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
X%%
XIt is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
Xprogram. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
Xorganizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
Xself-critical?
X -- Alan Perlis
X%%
XIt is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of
XUrbana, Illinois.
X%%
XIt is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will
Xnot be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves
Xand because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like
Xmature human beings ...
X -- Playboy, January 1983
X%%
XIt is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
Xpretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
Xsin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
X -- Voltaire
X%%
XIt is an important and popular fact that things are not always what
Xthey seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed
Xthat he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so
Xmuch -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins
Xhad ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But
Xconversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more
Xintelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons.
X
XCuriously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending
Xdestruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to
Xalert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were
Xmisinterpreted ...
X -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The
X Galaxy"
X%%
XIt is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be
Xcoming up it.
X -- Henry Allen
X%%
XIt is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?
XOne in a million, perhaps.
X%%
XIt is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
X%%
XIt is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three
Xbenefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never
Xto use either.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XIt is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both
Xincisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by
Xtwelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
X -- Rod Serling
X%%
X"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
Xlightly greased."
X -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
X%%
XIt is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its
Xproper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community
Xa better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to
Xtreat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the
Xfocus of attention, the harder the task.
X -- Sydney J. Harris
X%%
XIt is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
Xversa.
X%%
XIt is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
X%%
XIt is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
Xone.
X%%
XIt is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
Xif you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
Xpeople.
X -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
X%%
XIt is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
XBoulevard at one time.
X%%
XIt is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
X%%
XIt is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
Xa tune.
X -- Woody Allen
X%%
XIt is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
Xingenious.
X%%
XIt is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
Xdesirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
X -- Woody Allen
X%%
XIt is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our
Xoffense consists in doubting it.
X -- Justice Robert H. Jackson
X%%
XIt is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the
Xproblem.
X%%
XIt is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be
Xprivileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to
Xcorrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
X -- George Bernard Shaw
X%%
XIt is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
X -- Gore Vidal
X%%
XIt is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
Xdamn thing over and over.
X -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
X%%
XIt is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
X -- Elizabeth Carpenter
X%%
XIt is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a
Xpit.
X%%
XIt is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
Xvirginity could be a virtue.
X -- Voltaire
X%%
XIt is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their
Xdignity.
X%%
XIt is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
Xto be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
X -- Havelock Ellis
X%%
XIt is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
Xstudents that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential
Xprogrammers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of
Xregeneration.
X -- Dijkstra
X%%
XIt is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
Xlowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
Xhigh as the eagle?
X%%
XIt is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
Xstatue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more
Xglorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through
Xwhich we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the
Xday, that is the highest of arts.
X -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live"
X%%
XIt is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad
Xcrossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed
Xuntil the other has gone.
X%%
XIt is the business of little minds to shrink.
X -- Carl Sandburg
X%%
XIt is the business of the future to be dangerous.
X -- Hawkwind
X%%
XIt is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for
Xfive straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But
Xit takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
X%%
XIt is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the
Xfuture.
X%%
XIt looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
X%%
XIt may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
Xgood either if you speak when your head is empty.
X%%
XIt may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
Xwarning to others.
X%%
X"It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory"
X -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
X%%
XIt seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
Xflag.
X%%
X"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
Xbut I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
X -- Robert Benchly
X%%
XIt was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
X%%
X"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set
Xfoot."
X%%
XIt was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a
Xbreeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was
Xbroken ...
X -- James Dent
X%%
X"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps
XI should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I
Xdon't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
Xthe signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual
Xcharm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
Xnovelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
Xyours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
Xman a lifetime."
X -- Thomas Aldrich
X%%
X It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
Xladen with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
Xthousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
Xnursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
Xfor their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
X Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
Xunder their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
Xicepacks.
X -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
X%%
XIt wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like
Xthe rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
X%%
XIt will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on
Xthe wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
X%%
XIt will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human
Xnature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant
Xexamples.
X -- Charles Dickens
X%%
XIt would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing
Xwarnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or
Xtwo things still safe to eat.
X -- Robert Fuoss
X%%
XIt's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
X -- Andrew Jackson
X%%
X"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone
Xunderwear."
X%%
XIt's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
X%%
X"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it."
X -- Steven Wright
X%%
X"It's a summons."
X"What's a summons?"
X"It means summon's in trouble."
X -- Rocky and Bullwinkle
X%%
XIt's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
X -- Churchy La Femme
X%%
XIt's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
X%%
X"It's bad luck to be superstitious."
X -- Andrew W. Mathis
X%%
XIt's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.
X -- Marty Winch
X%%
X"It's easier said than done."
X
X... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than
Xsaid, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than
Xsaid' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than
Xdone".
X%%
XIt's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
X%%
XIt's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for
Xbeing right.
X%%
X"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
Xhour!"
X -- Macy's
X%%
XIt's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
X%%
XIt's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it
Xis. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It
Xisn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
X -- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
X%%
XIt's just a jump to the left
X And then a step to the right.
XPut your hands on your hips
X And pull your knees in tight.
XIt's the pelvic thrust
X That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane
X
X LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!
X
X -- Rocky Horror Picture Show
X%%
X"It's kind of fun to do the impossible."
X -- Walt Disney
X%%
X"It's Like This"
X
XEven the samurai
Xhave teddy bears,
Xand even the teddy bears
Xget drunk.
X%%
XIt's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong
Xdirection.
X%%
X"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
X%%
XIt's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre.
X -- Sam Goldwyn
X%%
XIt's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
X -- Phil White
X%%
X"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
X -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
X%%
XIt's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
X -- Alexander Korda
X%%
XIt's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off
Xthe ground.
X -- Daniel B. Luten
X%%
XIt's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it
Xhappens.
X -- Woody Allen
X%%
XIt's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips.
X -- Garfield
X%%
XIt's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that
XEnglish is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many
Xother languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.
X -- Sydney J. Harris
X%%
XIt's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
X%%
XIt's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
X%%
XIt's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
XDevil when he is the only explanation of it.
X%%
XIt's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which
Xraises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody
Xnot to.
X -- Franklin P. Jones
X%%
XIt's the thought, if any, that counts!
X%%
X JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
X by Mark Isaak
X
X Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
Xcharacter named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
Xhash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
Xare sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
XBASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
Xto him.
X So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
Xhe met the traveling salesman.
X "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
Xin high-level language.
X "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
Xand Apples," commented Jack.
X "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
Xthere; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
X Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
Xhe told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
Xstarted thrashing.
X "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
Xkernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
Xwindow ...
X%%
XJacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
X No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
X legislature is in session.
X%%
XJames Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total
Xindifference to public notice to be universally recognized.
X -- Tom Stoppard
X%%
XJenkinson's Law:
X It won't work.
X%%
XJesus Saves,
XMoses Invests,
XBut only Buddha pays Dividends.
X%%
XJob Placement, n.:
X Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
X%%
XJoe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
X%%
XJohnson's First Law:
X When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
X most inconvenient possible time.
X%%
XJoin in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called
X"Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do
Xanything loses.
X%%
XJoin the march to save individuality!
X%%
XJone's Law:
X The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
X to blame it on.
X%%
XJone's Motto:
X Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
X%%
XJones's First Law:
X Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
X endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
X obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
X importance of their original contribution.
X%%
XJust about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac
X(and nobody cares about it).
X -- Bill Joy 6/21/85
X%%
XJust as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good
Xsolutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires
Xone side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the
Xwinner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is
Xbecause neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise
Xmediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political
Xmotivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the
Xwhole truth.
X -- Stephen R. Schwambach
X%%
XJust because everything is different doesn't mean anything has
Xchanged.
X -- Irene Peter
X%%
XJust because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
X%%
XJust because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
Xknows what it is.
X%%
XJust go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
Xget a prompt, type like hell.
X%%
X"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't
Ximmune to bullets"
X -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who"
X%%
XJust remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
Xtwelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
X%%
X`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried,
X As he landed his crew with care;
XSupporting each man on the top of the tide
X By a finger entwined in his hair.
X
X'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice:
X That alone should encourage the crew.
XJust the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
X What I tell you three times is true.'
X%%
XJust when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
Xfaster rat!!!
X%%
XJustice always prevails ... three times out of seven!
X -- Michael J. Wagner
X%%
XJustice is incidental to law and order.
X -- J. Edgar Hoover
X%%
XJustice, n.:
X A decision in your favor.
X%%
XK: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
X Cobol's wordy and confining;
X KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
X Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.
X -- The Roguelet's ABC
X%%
XKansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to
Xwear tail lights.
X%%
XKatz' Law:
X Man and nations will act rationally when all other
X possibilities have been exhausted.
X%%
XKeep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
X%%
XKeep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
X%%
XKeep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
X%%
XKeep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
X (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
X straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
X force is technically termed "car suck").
X (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
X than "Watch this!"
X%%
XKeep you Eye on the Ball,
XYour Shoulder to the Wheel,
XYour Nose to the Grindstone,
XYour Feet on the Ground,
XYour Head on your Shoulders.
XNow ... try to get something DONE!
X%%
XKen Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most
Xautomobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the
Xnumerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the
Xdriver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the
Xdashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know
Xwhat's wrong."
X%%
XKerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
X Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students,
X and parking for the faculty.
X%%
XKids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could
Xtravel back in time and observe the original primate family in the
Xoriginal tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate
Xteenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for
Xgrubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate
Xteenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves.
X -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
X Do"
X%%
XKin, n.:
X An affliction of the blood
X%%
XKinkler's First Law:
X Responsibility always exceeds authority.
X
XKinkler's Second Law:
X All the easy problems have been solved.
X%%
X"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack."
X%%
XKirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through
Xany of its streets.
X%%
XKiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
X%%
XKiss your keyboard goodbye!
X%%
XKlein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
X%%
XKlein bottle for sale ... inquire within.
X%%
XKleptomaniac, n.:
X A rich thief.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XKnow thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
X%%
XKnow what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
X -- Henry N. Camp
X%%
XKrogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr):
X The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XLabor, n.:
X One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XLackland's Laws:
X (1) Never be first.
X (2) Never be last.
X (3) Never volunteer for anything
X%%
XLactomangulation, n.:
X Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly
X that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XLadybug, ladybug,
XLook to your stern!
XYour house is on fire,
XYour children will burn!
XSo jump ye and sing, for
END_OF_scene.af
echo shar: 22 control characters may be missing from \"scene.af\"
if test 45503 -ne `wc -c <scene.af`; then
echo shar: \"scene.af\" unpacked with wrong size!
fi
# end of overwriting check
fi
echo shar: End of archive 10 \(of 16\).
cp /dev/null ark10isdone
MISSING=""
for I in 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 ; do
if test ! -f ark${I}isdone ; then
MISSING="${MISSING} ${I}"
fi
done
if test "${MISSING}" = "" ; then
echo You have unpacked all 16 archives.
rm -f ark[1-9]isdone ark[1-9][0-9]isdone
else
echo You still need to unpack the following archives:
echo " " ${MISSING}
fi
## End of shell archive.
Grof qa