games-request@tekred.UUCP (06/03/87)
Submitted by: arnold@apollo.UUCP
Comp.sources.games: Volume 1, Issue 37
Archive-name: fortune/Part11
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# Contents: scene.ag
# Wrapped by billr@tekred on Thu May 21 15:14:50 1987
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XThe very first time
XThe four lines above
XHave been put into rhyme.
X -- Walt Kelly
X%%
XLaetrile is the pits
X%%
XLangsam's Laws:
X (1) Everything depends.
X (2) Nothing is always.
X (3) Everything is sometimes.
X%%
XLarkinson's Law:
X All laws are basically false.
X%%
XLassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with
Xwas made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting
Xpinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the
Xfarmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their
Xsleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do
Xyou think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her?
XWhat is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead
Xof every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under
Xthe tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops
Xwhatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which
XLassie filed the applications for.
X -- Dave Barry
X%%
X"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police
Xrecord. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense
Xof humor."
X%%
XLast yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
X%%
XLaugh at your problems; everybody else does.
X%%
X"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
X -- Victor Borge
X%%
XLaw of Communications:
X The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
X between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
X area of misunderstanding.
X%%
XLaw of Probable Dispersal:
X Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly
X distributed.
X%%
XLaw of Selective Gravity:
X An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
X
XJenning's Corollary:
X The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
X directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
X%%
XLaw of the Perversity of Nature:
X You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
X bread to butter.
X%%
XLaws of Serendipity:
X
X (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for
X something.
X (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already
X be engaged in making an inferior one.
X%%
XLazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:
X No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats --
X approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
X%%
XLearned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
X%%
XLearning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and
Xeverything else follows in the same way.
X -- Alan J. Perlis
X%%
XLeft to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
X%%
XLegalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the
Xfun?
X%%
XLegislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907:
X"Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless
Xthe motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in
X30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he can."
X%%
XLeibowitz's Rule:
X When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
X hold the hammer with both hands.
X%%
XLEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
X You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are
X pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike
X honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people
X are thieves.
X%%
XLEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
X Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore.
X Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because
X you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of
X fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got
X a sick sense of humor.
X%%
XLet He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
X%%
X"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
Xnumber. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash
Xand another number."
X -- James Estes
X%%
XLet us live!!!
XLet us love!!!
XLet us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!
X
XYou first.
X%%
XLet's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every
Xrelationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you
Xreally care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the
Xend. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the
Xqualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and
Xbossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind
Xhis back."
X -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn
X%%
XLet's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick
Xyour hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as
XMental Anguish. You would sue:
X
X* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions
X section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand
X into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls
X in there".
X
X* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious
X cretin like yourself.
X
X* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this
X case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you
X a large cash settlement anyway.
X%%
XLet's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often
Xoverlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of
Xdollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your
Xtax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to
Xspend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe
Xmoney, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will
Xprobably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care?
XIt's not his money.
X -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
X%%
XLETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
X
XDear Sir,
X
XI am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
Xto the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
Xpublic places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
Xin the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
Xwill cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
Xagricultural industry.
X
XYours faithfully,
X Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P.
X Sevenoaks
X%%
XLewis's Law of Travel:
X The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to
X anyone, ever.
X%%
XLiar, n.:
X A lawyer with a roving commission.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XLiberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.
X -- Harry Emerson Fosdick
X%%
XLIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22)
X Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your
X desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and
X polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that.
X%%
XLIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
X You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
X reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.
X Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most
X Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal
X disease.
X%%
XLie, n.:
X A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
X discovered to date.
X%%
XLieberman's Law:
X Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
X%%
XLife is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
X%%
XLife is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
X%%
X"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to
Xeat it nevertheless."
X -- Flaubert
X%%
X"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
X%%
XLife is like a simile.
X%%
XLife is like an analogy
X%%
XLife is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
Xthere is nothing in it.
X%%
X"Life is too important to take seriously."
X -- Corky Siegel
X%%
X"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of
Xwhich I disapprove."
X%%
X"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility"
X -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie
X%%
X"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it
Xweren't for other people"
X -- Blore
X%%
XLife would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
X%%
XLike so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
Xsense from things she found in gift shops.
X -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
X%%
XLike the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking
Xfor girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem.
X -- Alan McKay
X%%
XLimericks are art forms complex,
XTheir topics run chiefly to sex.
X They usually have virgins,
X And masculine urgin's,
XAnd other erotic effects.
X%%
XLine Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
X%%
XLinus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe
X we should think only about today.
XCharlie Brown:
X No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get
X better.
X%%
XLiving on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip
Xaround the Sun.
X%%
XLiving your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted
Xbefore.
X%%
XLizzie Borden took an axe,
XAnd plunged it deep into the VAX;
XDon't you envy people who
XDo all the things ___YOU want to do?
X%%
XLoan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these
Xinterest rates, we don't need it."
X%%
XLobster:
X Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are
Xsqueamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the
Xonly proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to
Xeliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial
Xbefore they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most
Xferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime
Xin the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its
Xunmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of
Xthe 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout,
X"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a
Xmemory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe
Xat you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot.
XJustice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be,
Xtoo.
X -- "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and Utensils
X into Excuses and Apologies"
X%%
XLockwood's Long Shot:
X The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't
X one in a million, but once would be enough.
X%%
XLogic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*.
X%%
X... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
Xlegally ... impeccable!
X%%
XLogicians have but ill defined
XAs rational the human kind.
XLogic, they say, belongs to man,
XBut let them prove it if they can.
X -- Oliver Goldsmith
X%%
XLook out! Behind you!
X%%
XLook, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us
Xto pay income taxes, too?
X -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox
X%%
XLoose bits sink chips.
X%%
XLosing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA,
XBOOGA!"
X%%
XLost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.
X%%
XLove and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
X%%
XLove and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
X%%
XLove at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
Xworld has ever seen.
X%%
XLove cannot be much younger than the lust for murder.
X -- Sigmund Freud
X%%
XLove is a word that is constantly heard,
XHate is a word that is not.
XLove, I am told, is more precious than gold.
XLove, I have read, is hot.
XBut hate is the verb that to me is superb,
XAnd Love but a drug on the mart.
XAny kiddie in school can love like a fool,
XBut Hating, my boy, is an Art.
X -- Ogden Nash
X%%
XLove is sentimental measles.
X%%
XLove is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
X -- H. L. Mencken
X%%
XLove means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.
X%%
XLove thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
X -- Louise Beal
X%%
XLove your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up
Xto.
X%%
X Love's Drug
X
XMy love is like an iron wand
X That conks me on the head,
XMy love is like the valium
X That I take before my bed,
XMy love is like the pint of scotch
X That I drink when I be dry;
XAnd I shall love thee still, my dear,
X Until my wife is wise.
X%%
XLowery's Law:
X If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
X anyway.
X%%
XLSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
X%%
XLubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
X There's always one more bug.
X%%
XLunatic Asylum, n.:
X The place where optimism most flourishes.
X%%
XLysistrata had a good idea.
X%%
X"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
Xthe smallest amount of thoughts."
X -- Winston Churchill
X%%
XMachine-Independent, adj.:
X Does not run on any existing machine.
X%%
XMachines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate,
Xand play games -- but not with pleasure.
X -- Leo Rosten
X%%
XMad, adj.:
X Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XMadam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
Xfirst for seven hours, they always come out tender.
X -- W. C. Fields
X%%
XMagnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism
X
XMagnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
X
XThe two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
Xof one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
Xwith a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
Xknowledge.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XMagnocartic, adj.:
X Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping
X carts.
X -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
X%%
XMagpie, n.:
X A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it
X might be taught to talk.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XMaier's Law:
X If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed
X of.
X
XCorollaries:
X (1) The bigger the theory, the better.
X (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
X 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
X obtain a correspondence with the theory.
X%%
XMain's Law:
X For every action there is an equal and opposite government
X program.
X%%
XMaintainer's Motto:
X If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
X%%
XMajor Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
X as one man.
X
XMinor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds.
X
XConclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XMajority, n.:
X That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
X%%
XMaking files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users
Xtend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It
Xhas been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is
Xthe message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files.
X -- System V.2 administrator's guide
X%%
XMalek's Law:
X Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
X%%
XMan 1: Ask me the what the most important thing about telling a good
X joke is.
X
XMan 2: OK, what is the most impo---
X
XMan 1: ______TIMING!
X%%
X"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
X -- Lily Tomlin
X%%
XMan is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
Xupon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
X -- Oscar Wilde
X%%
XMan is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the
Xonly one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
X -- Wernher von Braun
X%%
XMan is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XMan is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
Xvictims he intends to eat until he eats them.
X -- Samuel Butler
X%%
XMan is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
Xvictims he intends to eat until he eats them.
X -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
X%%
XMan usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
Xis an enemy.
X -- Albert Einstein
X%%
XMan, n.:
X An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
X he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His
X chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own
X species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent
X rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XMankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history,
Xdating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive
Xman picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the
Xair, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first
Xprimitive umpire.
X
XWhat inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as
Xmine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers.
X -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
X%%
XManual, n.:
X A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a
X given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The
X information you need in in the others.
X -- Ray Simard
X%%
XMany years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
Xthere lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
Xwas so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
Xcompletely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ...
X -- Walt Kelly
X%%
XMark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
X Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a
X simple yes or no answer.
X%%
XMarriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
X -- Voltaire
X%%
XMaryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on
Xthe dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam
Xdancing.
X -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83
X%%
XMaternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.
X -- Malcolm Smith
X%%
XMath is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.
X -- R. Drabek
X%%
XMathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
Xtranslate into their own language, and forthwith it is something
Xentirely different.
X -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
X%%
XMathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
Xdescribed as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can
Xplay.
X -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by
X James Blish
X%%
X"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
X%%
XMatter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a
Xreceipt.
X%%
XMaturity is only a short break in adolescence.
X -- Jules Feiffer
X%%
XMay a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
X%%
XMay Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
X%%
XMay the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
X%%
XMay your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
XThousand Caramels.
X%%
XMaybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.
X -- R. S. Barton
X%%
XMaybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge
Xit.
X%%
XMayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
Xnativity scene removed:
X "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
X and a virgin in the whole organization."
X%%
XMcGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
X If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
X $19.95.
X%%
XMeader's Law:
X Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
X everyone you know, only more so.
X%%
XMeasure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
X%%
XMeeting, n.:
X An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
X department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
X%%
XMen were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures
Xfrom Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha
XCentauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man
Xhad split before. Thus was the Empire forged.
X -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams
X%%
XMen's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and
Xit has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin
Xvery closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
Xtracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...
X [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
X world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
X next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.]
X... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
Xcigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
Xbillions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even
Xmore interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a
Xfact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the
Xolder veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and
Xobtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the
Xwindow head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger
Xhotshot cells moving up from below.
X -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
X%%
XMencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
X The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
X%%
XMencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
X The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
X cork makes when it is popped.
X%%
XMencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
X All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
X%%
XMencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
X Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
X is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
X can never hope to acquire it.
X%%
XMenu, n.:
X A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
X%%
XMeskimen's Law:
X There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
X do it over.
X%%
XMESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
X%%
XMessage will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
X%%
Xmethionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylluecylphenyialanylalanylglutamin-
Xylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
Xphenylalanylyalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
Xtaminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
Xglycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolyphenylalanyl-
Xserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylglutaminyl-
Xasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylglycylva-
Xlythreonylprolyalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionylleucyala-
Xnylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolythreonylisoleucylprolyli-
Xsoleucylglyclleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylvalylphenylala-
Xnylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyrosylalanylglu-
Xtaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleucylvalylala-
Xnylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolyphenylalanylargi-
Xnylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylalanylprolyiso-
Xleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylaspartylaspartyl-
Xaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosylglycylarginyl-
Xglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycylvalylthreonyl-
Xgylcylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginyalanylalanylleucylprolylleucylaspartagi-
Xnylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucylysylglutamyltyrosylasparaginylalanylala-
Xnylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylserylalanylpro-
Xlyaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanylglycylalanyla-
Xlanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalyllysylisoleucyli-
Xsoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylprolyglutamylly-
Xsylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyglutaminylproly-
Xmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
X The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protien, a
X1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
X -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
X Preposterous Words
X%%
XMickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
X%%
XMicro Credo:
X Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
X%%
X"Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been
Xwatching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks."
X%%
X"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
Xout of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
X%%
XMike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?"
XBernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO
X inconsiderate."
X -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury"
X%%
XMiksch's Law:
X If a string has one end, then it has another end.
X%%
XMilitary intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
X -- Groucho Marx
X%%
XMilitary justice is to justice what military music is to music.
X -- Groucho Marx
X%%
XMillihelen, adj:
X The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
X%%
XMillions long for immortality who do not know what to do with
Xthemselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
X -- Susan Ertz
X%%
XMillions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that
Xpolitics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum
Xand Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they
Xare presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to
Xrummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all
Xthe people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert
XHumphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert
XHumphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when
XTricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the
Xblack.
X -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
X%%
XMind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there
Xis particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined,
Xmyself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in
Xthe trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my
Xunhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You
Xwill therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as
Xdead as a door-nail.
X%%
XMinnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
X%%
XMinors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap
Xpistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
X%%
XMisery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
X%%
XMisery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
X -- Russell Baker
X%%
XMisfortune, n.:
X The kind of fortune that never misses.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XMiss, n.:
X A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
X they are in the market.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XMistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
X%%
XMitchell's Law of Committees:
X Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
X held to discuss it.
X%%
XMOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
X
X Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
X2 cups water 2 cups sugar
X2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
X Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine
X Cinnamon
X
XRoll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
XRITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
Xand cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
Xjuice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
Xwith butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
Xcrust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
Xsteam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
Xis crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
X -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
X%%
XModern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
X%%
XMohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked
Xhim how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just
Xlast week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew
Xbetter.
X%%
XMolecule, n.:
X The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished
X from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
X matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,
X indivisible unit of matter ... The ion differs from the
X molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion ...
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XMollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
X If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
X it wasn't worth doing.
X%%
XMonday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
X%%
XMonday, n.:
X In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XMoney is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
X%%
XMoney is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
X%%
XMoney is the root of all wealth.
X%%
XMoon, n.:
X 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to
Xhackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
X%%
XMophobia, n.:
X Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
X%%
X MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
XThe Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
XSaturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while
Xthe Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
XRogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
Xparaphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
Xtook the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
Xtheir anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player
Xsaid "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a
Xfight and the match was called by officials.
X%%
XMore than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One
Xpath leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
Xextinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
X -- Woody Allen
X%%
XMosher's Law of Software Engineering:
X Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
X be out of a job.
X%%
XMost fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex
Xbecause virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs
Xand large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little
Xeyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around
Xand around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the
Xfemale gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just
Xdumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven
Xby some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the
Xtruth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of
Xthem that it doesn't make any difference.
X -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
X Teen Should Know"
X%%
XMost people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently
Xthan they do.
X -- Turgenev
X%%
XMost people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
X -- Frank Zappa
X%%
XMother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.
X -- Arnold Bennett
X%%
XMother is the invention of necessity.
X%%
XMother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.
X%%
XMr. Cole's Axiom:
X The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
X population is growing.
X%%
X"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams)
X"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old
XTruman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his
Xpantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes
Xin their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be
Xin an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he,
X133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" An electronic
Xcomputer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much
Xfun to watch.
X -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics)
X%%
XMurphy's Discovery:
X Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to
X women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
X everything will be all right." And what happens? Nine months
X later, you're in trouble!
X%%
XMurphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
Xwork.
X%%
XMurphy's Law of Research:
X Enough research will tend to support your theory.
X%%
X"Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..."
X -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
X%%
X Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
XChile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
Xpictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
Xmilitary installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
XEsther and hustle them off to prison.
X They can't prove who they are because they've left their
Xpassports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
Xand night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
Xmovement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
Xcharged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
X The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
Xthey'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
Xif they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
Xher daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
Xpossible, and turns to Murray.
X "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
Xspits in the sergeants face.
X "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
X -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
X%%
XMustgo, n.:
X Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
X long it has become a science project.
X -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
X%%
X"My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on
Xit."
X -- "Grendel", by John Gardner
X%%
XMy band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I
Xthrew my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste.
XFirst we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the
Xframe, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up
Xthe amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed
Xforward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier
Xperfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through
Xthe window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative
Xcrowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a
Xsymbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state
Xin my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I
Xreally just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded
XOK.
X -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
X%%
X"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless
Xthere are three other people."
X -- Orson Welles
X%%
XMy God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand
Xtimes as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and
Xsending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right
Xthrough my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever
Xlistens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just
Xlog out again.
X%%
XMy love runs by like a day in June,
X And he makes no friends of sorrows.
XHe'll tread his galloping rigadoon
X In the pathway or the morrows.
XHe'll live his days where the sunbeams start
X Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
XMy own dear love, he is all my heart --
X And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
X -- Dorothy Parker
X%%
XMy love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
X And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
XThe ways are fair to his roaming feet,
X And the skies are sunlit for him.
XAs sharply sweet to my heart he seems
X As the fragrance of acacia.
XMy own dear love, he is all my dreams --
X And I wish he were in Asia.
X -- Dorothy Parker
X%%
XMy mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been
Xone.
X -- Groucho Marx
X%%
XMy opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
X%%
XMy own dear love, he is strong and bold
X And he cares not what comes after.
XHis words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
X And his eyes are lit with laughter.
XHe is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
X Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
XMy own dear love, he is all my world --
X And I wish I'd never met him.
X -- Dorothy Parker
X%%
X... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
XAlley!!
X%%
X"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
XAlley!!"
X -- Zippy the Pinhead
X%%
XMy pen is at the bottom of a page,
XWhich, being finished, here the story ends;
X'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done,
XBut stories somehow lengthen when begun.
X -- Byron
X%%
XMy theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not
Xsigned.
X -- Christopher Morley
X%%
X"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies"
X%%
XMythology, n.:
X The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
X origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as
X distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XNaeser's Law:
X You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
X damnfoolproof.
X%%
XNAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he
X says is wrong.
XGUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
X will be right.
X -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
X%%
XNasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant
Xsaid "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next
Xtime he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone
Xmight steal it."
X%%
XNasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the
Xvillagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time,"
Xsaid Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the
Xvillagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The
Xremaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he
Xsaid -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of
Xmy way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually
Xspoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to.
X%%
XNasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to
Xserve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk
Xinto your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?"
X"Never." "Then how do you know it was me?"
X%%
XNasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful
Xthan the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the
Xlight more."
X%%
XNasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver
Xpie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of
Xmeat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it,
X"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without
Xthe recipe?"
X%%
XNature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of
Xconservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the
Xfittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he
Xis most likely to be creamed?
X -- Solomon Short
X%%
XNature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
XGod said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
X
XIt did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
XLet Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
X%%
XNature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it
Xcannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
X -- Fran Leibowitz
X%%
XNearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's
Xcharacter, give him power.
X -- Abraham Lincoln
X%%
XNecessity is a mother.
X%%
XNeckties strangle clear thinking.
X -- Lin Yutang
X%%
XNever be led astray onto the path of virtue.
X%%
XNever call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
X%%
XNever call a man a fool; borrow from him.
X%%
XNever commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
X%%
XNever count your chickens before they rip your lips off
X%%
XNever drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled
Xwith the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to
Xchange into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually
Xfly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators
Xhave windows.
X%%
XNever eat more than you can lift.
X -- Miss Piggy
X%%
XNever hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
X%%
XNever let your schooling interfere with your education.
X%%
XNever let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.
X -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
X%%
XNever make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
Xmake it complex and wonderful.
X%%
XNever offend people with style when you can offend them with
Xsubstance.
X -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977
X%%
XNever put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
X%%
XNever put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a
Xlaw against it by that time.
X%%
XNever settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.
X%%
XNever tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
X%%
XNever try to outstubborn a cat.
X -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
X%%
XNever underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
X -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
X%%
X"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
X%%
XNever worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's
Xsupposed to do.
X -- R. A. Heinlein
X%%
XNew crypt. See /usr/news/crypt.
X%%
XNew Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in
Xany way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
X%%
XNew members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of
XCruelty to Yourself. Apply within.
X%%
XNew members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area.
X -- Monty Python's Big Red Book
X%%
XNew systems generate new problems.
X%%
XNew Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and
Xhis wife most often reminds him to act it.
X -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
X%%
XNew York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.
X%%
XNew York's got the ways and means;
XJust won't let you be.
X -- The Grateful Dead
X%%
XNewlan's Truism:
X An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
X economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
X%%
XNEWS FLASH!!
X Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
X German pole-vault champion.
X%%
X *** NEWSFLASH ***
XRussian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!
X%%
XNewton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
X%%
XNewton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
X A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
X%%
XNext Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
Xhave a lucky day this year.
X%%
XNext to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying
Xas an income tax refund.
X -- F. J. Raymond
X%%
X"Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice."
X -- Foghorn Leghorn
X%%
XNihilism should commence with oneself.
X%%
XNiklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
Xcorrectly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
X(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
XAmericans call him by value.
X%%
XNine megs for the secretaries fair,
XSeven megs for the hackers scarce,
XFive megs for the grads in smoky lairs,
XThree megs for system source;
X
XOne disk to rule them all,
XOne disk to bind them,
XOne disk to hold the files
XAnd in the darkness grind 'em.
X%%
XNine-track tapes and seven-track tapes
X And tapes without any tracks;
XStretchy tapes and snarley tapes
X And tapes mixed up on the racks --
X Take hold of the tape
X And pull off the strip,
X And then you'll be sure
X Your tape drive will skip.
X
X -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes
X%%
X"Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they
Xwould. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect
Xthat much."
X -- Augustine
X%%
XNinety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
X The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
X the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
X percent.
X%%
X"Nirvana? Thats the place where the powers that be and their friends
Xhang out.
X -- Zonker Harris
X%%
XNo animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
Xabsolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
X -- Fran Lebowitz
X%%
XNo committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a
Xcamel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
Xeffectively under such difficult conditions.
X -- Laurence J. Peter
X%%
XNo good deed goes unpunished.
X -- Clare Boothe Luce
X%%
XNo man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after
Xeating one peanut.
X -- Channing Pollock
X%%
XNo man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
X%%
XNo matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will
Xseriously cramp his style.
X%%
XNo matter what other nations may say about the United States,
Ximmigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
X%%
XNo one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
X -- Eleanor Roosevelt
X%%
X"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
X%%
XNo part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
Xsystem, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
Xthe author.
X -- Chris Shaw
X%%
XNo plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff --
XHe grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough.
XCompiles and simulations grew so quickly tame
XAnd swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame.
XCHORUS:
X Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
X And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
X Puff the fractal dragon was written in C,
X And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory.
XPuff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails
XAnd mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail.
XAll the student hackers loved that fractal Puff
XBut DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!"
X (chorus)
XPuff used more resources than DCS could spare.
XThe operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care.
XA gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end,
XBut Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again!
X (chorus)
X%%
XNo problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
X%%
XNo problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
X%%
X"No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied
Xoccurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an
Xindication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining
Xoccurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as
Xan indication-applied occurrence."
X -- ALGOL 68 Report
X%%
X"No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of
Xpaper."
X -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
X taken over by Rupert Murdoch
X%%
X"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'"
X -- Dr. Who
X%%
XNOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
X%%
XNobody said computers were going to be polite.
X%%
XNobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in
END_OF_scene.ag
echo shar: 36 control characters may be missing from \"scene.ag\"
if test 46391 -ne `wc -c <scene.ag`; then
echo shar: \"scene.ag\" unpacked with wrong size!
fi
# end of overwriting check
fi
echo shar: End of archive 11 \(of 16\).
cp /dev/null ark11isdone
MISSING=""
for I in 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 ; do
if test ! -f ark${I}isdone ; then
MISSING="${MISSING} ${I}"
fi
done
if test "${MISSING}" = "" ; then
echo You have unpacked all 16 archives.
rm -f ark[1-9]isdone ark[1-9][0-9]isdone
else
echo You still need to unpack the following archives:
echo " " ${MISSING}
fi
## End of shell archive.
exit 0