games-request@tekred.TEK.COM (06/03/87)
Submitted by: arnold@apollo.UUCP
Comp.sources.games: Volume 1, Issue 38
Archive-name: fortune/Part12
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# Contents: scene.ah
# Wrapped by billr@tekred on Thu May 21 15:14:51 1987
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Xorder for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the
Xsubstance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young
Xand rob the old.
X -- Lewis Lapham
X%%
XNobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with
Xconstructive praise.
X%%
XNon-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
X Negative expectations yield negative results.
X Positive expectations yield negative results.
X%%
XNon-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
X%%
XNoncombatant, n.:
X A dead Quaker.
X -- Ambrose Bierce
X%%
XNondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
X%%
X"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
X%%
XNostalgia isn't what it used to be.
X%%
XNot far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
XSteelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
Xin their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
Xmoon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a
Xdream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
Xrespect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
Xit, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
Xthen they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
Xchipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ...
X -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
X%%
X"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."
X -- Shakespeare
X%%
X"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper
Xis from the wrong kind of tree."
X --Professor W.
X%%
XNotes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter
Xof wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund
Xis astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
Xunfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is
Xcareful not to make any poultry jokes ...
X -- Woody Allen
X%%
XNothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
X%%
XNothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
X%%
XNothing is faster than the speed of light ...
X
XTo prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the
Xlight comes on.
X%%
XNothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
X -- Andrew Young
X%%
XNothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires
Xtolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
X -- Nero Wolfe
X%%
XNothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.
XConscience makes egotists of us all.
X -- Oscar Wilde
X%%
XNothing recedes like success.
X -- Walter Winchell
X%%
XNothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited
Xlove.
X -- Charlie Brown
X%%
XNovember, n.:
X The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XNow and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.
X%%
XNow I lay me down to sleep
XI pray the double lock will keep;
XMay no brick through the window break,
XAnd, no one rob me till I awake.
X%%
X"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
X -- Walt Kelly
X%%
XNow that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next
Xtime some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV
Xto plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for
Xeating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself
Xthe following questions:
X
X(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a
X food?
X(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich
X exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me?
X(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as
X prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with
X double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living
X right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like
X longer.)
X
XThat, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick.
X%%
X"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
XYorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
Xwere good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."
X -- "The Begatting of a President"
X%%
X... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
Xget it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
Xthe mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
Xon the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
Xchildren emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
Xsnowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
Xto love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
Xa young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
Xoutcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
Xhe ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
XRudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
XRudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
Xkind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
Xchildren exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
Xquickly.
X -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
X%%
X Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
Xtool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
X Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
Xplastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
Xthey have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
XRaisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
Xadministration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
Xyou'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
Xdescribed as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
Xinterchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
Xthat Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
X This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
Xinexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
Xso-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
Xif you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
Xdirect sunlight.
X -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
X%%
X"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
X -- Ted Turner
X%%
X[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
X -- Edwin Meese III
X%%
XNudists are people who wear one-button suits.
X%%
XNumeric stability is probably not all that important when you're
Xguessing.
X%%
XO give me a home,
XWhere the buffalo roam,
XWhere the deer and the antelope play,
XWhere seldom is heard
XA discouraging word,
X'Cause what can an antelope say?
X%%
XO'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
X Murphy was an optimist.
X%%
X"Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a
Xfake?"
X%%
XOf all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
Xreaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
Xamount of hot air.
X -- Thomas L. Martin
X%%
XOf all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
X -- Plato
X%%
XOf all the words of witch's doom
XThere's none so bad as which and whom.
XThe man who kills both which and whom
XWill be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
X -- Fletcher Knebel
X%%
XOf course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
X%%
XOf what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%.
XAnd of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a
Xblazer.
X%%
XOffice Automation, n.:
X The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone
Xyou would want to talk with over coffee.
X%%
XOgden's Law:
X The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch
X up.
X%%
XOh Dad! We're ALL Devo!
X%%
XOh don't the days seem lank and long
X When all goes right and none goes wrong,
XAnd isn't your life extremely flat
X With nothing whatever to grumble at!
X%%
XOh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
X I muck with indices and structs all day
XAnd when it works, I shout hoo-ray
X Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay
X%%
XOh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd
Xbe irresponsible, too.
X -- Lichty & Wagner
X%%
XOh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,
XAnd danced the skies on laughter silvered wings;
XSunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
XOf sun-split clouds and done a hundred things
XYou have not dreamed of --
XWheeled and soared and swung
XHigh in the sunlit silence.
XHovering there
XI've chased the shouting wind along and flung
XMy eager craft through footless halls of air.
XUp, up along delirious, burning blue
XI've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
XWhere never lark, or even eagle flew;
XAnd, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
XThe high untrespassed sanctity of space,
XPut out my hand, and touched the face of God.
X -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight"
X%%
XOh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
X%%
XOh, when I was in love with you,
X Then I was clean and brave,
XAnd miles around the wonder grew
X How well did I behave.
X
XAnd now the fancy passes by,
X And nothing will remain,
XAnd miles around they'll say that I
X Am quite myself again.
X -- A. E. Housman
X%%
XOh, wow! Look at the moon!
X%%
X"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard."
X -- Dr. Joy
X%%
XOld age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
X -- Trotsky
X%%
XOld programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
X%%
XOld soldiers never die. Young ones do.
X%%
XOliver's Law:
X Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
X it.
X%%
XOmnibiblious, adj.:
X Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything.
X I'm omnibiblious."
X%%
XOMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need 4 GALLONS of JELL-O
Xand a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O as if
Xit was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... ... or ... I ... um ... WHERE'S
Xthe WASHING MACHINES?
X%%
XOn a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
X
X"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."
X -- Wolfgang Pauli
X%%
XOn account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
Xnation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
Xwhat it does.
X -- Will Rogers
X%%
X On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
Xreceipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
Xincome was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
X$283 on the desk before the cashier.
X "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
Xroute never brought in money like this! What happened?"
X "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
Xbusiness would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
Xworked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
X%%
XOn Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
Xcreated jerks.
X -- Avery
X%%
XOn Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
Xcreated jerks.
X -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
X%%
XOn the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a
XPOINT ...
X%%
XOn-line, adj.:
X The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
X computer.
X%%
XOnce ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
Xforced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
X -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
X%%
XOnce again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
Xeach of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
Xchoice.
X
XIn the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians
Xcalled it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka"
Xand went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People
Xpassing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy
XHanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"
X -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
X%%
XOnce at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
XSir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".
XDisraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your
Xprincipals or your mistress".
X%%
XOnce Law was sitting on the bench
X And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
X"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
X Nor come before me creeping.
XUpon you knees if you appear,
X'Tis plain you have no standing here."
X
XThen Justice came. His Honor cried:
X "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
X"Amica curiae," she replied --
X "Friend of the court, so please you."
X"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
XI never saw your face before!"
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XOnce the realization is accepted that even between the closest human
Xbeings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by
Xside can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them
Xwhich makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the
Xsky.
X -- Rainer Rilke
X%%
X Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a
Xgreat crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to
Xthe twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of
Xlife, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But
Xone creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
Xgoing. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I
Xshall die of boredom."
X The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that
Xcurrent you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the
Xrocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"
X But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go,
Xand at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.
XYet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current
Xlifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
X And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried,
X"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the
XMessiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current
Xsaid, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us
Xfree, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this
Xadventure.
X But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to
Xthe rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
X%%
XOnce upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
Xus bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
Xthe smaller prime numbers.
X
X2: The Odd Prime --
X It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED.
X3: The True Prime --
X Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true."
X31: The Arbitrary Prime --
X Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
X in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
X received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
X next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
X at all.
X
XSince the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
Xderived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
Xtrue", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
X%%
X... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
Xwith ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
Xshoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
Xadvertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
Xshopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
Xthem to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
X -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
X%%
XOnce, adv.:
X Enough.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XOne advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
Xsomebody's listening.
X -- Franklin P. Jones
X%%
XOne can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
X%%
XOne cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
Xhow many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
X -- Professor Charles P. Issawi
X%%
XOne day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell
Xthe truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald
Xannounced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to
Xa question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The
Xcaptain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth
X-- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin,
X"to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if
XI have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!"
X"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth."
X%%
XOne difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
Xwhen well oiled.
X%%
XOne good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
Xnever have to stop and answer the phone.
X%%
XOne is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.
X -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
X%%
XOne learns to itch where one can scratch.
X -- Ernest Bramah
X%%
XOne man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as
Xone man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will
Xproduce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to
Xrepresent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as
Xmany ...
X -- Anthony Chevins
X%%
XOne man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
X%%
XOne monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How
Xwill it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net,
XI'll tell you."
X%%
XOne nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
X%%
XOne of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible
Xfrom one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at
Xleast 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts
Xare, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but
Xwhen He's good, nobody can touch Him.
X -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983
X%%
XOne of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
Xdo and always a clever thing to say.
X -- Will Durant
X%%
XOne of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
Xcreate goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy
Xretail."
X -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
X%%
X One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
Xenthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
X Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
Xyears ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
XTen percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple
Xlanguage, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for
Xstudents, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
Xinterchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of
Xits popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on
XVAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
X It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
Xrun out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
Xwill end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
X With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
Xquickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With
XVMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
Xdocumentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the
Xdifference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
Xis that it's all there.
X -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
X%%
XOne of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
Xseat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
Xway, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who
Xfainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become
Xdisoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas.
X%%
XOne of the Ten Commandments for Technicians
X (7) Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
X fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and
X console her in other ways.
X%%
XOne of the Ten Commandments for Technicians:
X (1) Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
X capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks
X in a most untechnician-like manner.
X%%
XOne Page Principle:
X A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
X paper cannot be understood.
X -- Mark Ardis
X%%
X"One planet is all you get."
X%%
XOne promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
Xmanufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that
Xthey be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's
Xsay your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding
Xstudy on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by
Xsherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag,
Xstrapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus
Xrendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also
Xbe rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr.
XSpeaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle
XInspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save
Xmillions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently
Xsupport a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that
Xyour potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members
Xof Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are
Xalready too large to fit on normal aircraft.
X -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants"
X%%
XOne reason why George Washington
XIs held in such veneration:
XHe never blamed his problems
XOn the former Administration.
X -- George O. Ludcke
X%%
XOne seldom sees a monument to a committee.
X%%
XOne thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
Xpaint.
X%%
XOne way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a
Xnew model.
X%%
XOne way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
X%%
XOne, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned
Xat the stake while the votes were being counted.
X -- Thomas B. Reed
X%%
XOne-Shot Case Study, n.:
X The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which
Xit is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes
Xgreen.
X%%
XOnly adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
X%%
XOnly God can make random selections.
X%%
XOnly presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to
Xuse the editorial "we."
X%%
XOnly through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
X%%
XOptimization hinders evolution.
X%%
XOptimization hinders evolution.
X%%
XOregano, n.:
X The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
X%%
XOregon, n.:
X Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday
X night.
X%%
XOrganic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry
Xis the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
X -- Mike Adams
X%%
XOsborn's Law:
X Variables won't; constants aren't.
X%%
XOthers will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
Xnails.
X%%
XOur country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
Xthey charge fifteen cents for them.
X%%
XOur documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the
Xoffice. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we
Xwere both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of
Xjuice. But only *__he* had a lollipop.
X
XHe asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?"
X
XHer reply:
X
X "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it
X means to be a programmer."
X%%
XOur OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
X Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
X In kernel as it is in user!
X%%
XOur policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
X -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
X%%
X... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
XConnell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
Xthing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
Xsomebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
Xon his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
Xa lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
X -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
X%%
X"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
X -- Alex Schure
X%%
XOurs is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
X -- General Omar N. Bradley
X%%
X OUTCONERR
XTwas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
X Did logzerneg the ifthen block
XAll kludgy were the function flows
X And subroutines adhoc.
X
XBeware the runtime-bug my friend
X squrooneg, the false goto
XBeware the infiniteloop
X And shun the inprectoo.
X%%
X"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
Xit's too dark to read."
X -- Groucho Marx
X%%
XOver the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now
XI can remember things that *have* happened before ...
X%%
XOverdrawn? But I still have checks left!
X%%
XOverflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
X%%
XOverload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
X%%
XOzman's Laws:
X (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he
X won't.
X (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they
X make.
X (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
X (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
X%%
XPainting, n.:
X The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and
X exposing them to the critic.
X -- Ambrose Bierce
X%%
XParadise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much
Xbetter.
X -- Laurie Anderson
X%%
XParallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
X%%
XParanoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
X%%
XParanoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
X%%
XParanoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
Xcriticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
X -- D. J. Hicks
X%%
XPardo's First Postulate:
X Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
X fattening.
X
XArnold's Addendum:
X Everything else causes cancer in rats.
X%%
XPardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
X%%
XParker's Law:
X Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
X%%
XParkinson's Fifth Law:
X If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
X bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
X%%
XParkinson's Fourth Law:
X The number of people in any working group tends to increase
X regardless of the amount of work to be done.
X%%
XParsley
X is gharsley.
X -- Ogden Nash
X%%
XParts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
X%%
X"Pascal is not a high-level language."
X -- Steven Feiner
X%%
XPascal Users:
X To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
X death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half
X speed.
X%%
XPascal, n.:
X A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
X his grave if he knew about it.
X%%
XPassionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
X -- Eric Hoffer
X%%
XPatageometry, n.:
X The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
Xunder brain transplants.
X%%
XPaul Revere was a tattle-tale
X%%
XPaul's Law:
X In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
X save.
X%%
XPaul's Law:
X You can't fall off the floor.
X%%
XPeace, n.:
X In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
X periods of fighting.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XPeanut Blossoms
X
X4 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk
X4 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla
X4 cups shortening 14 cups flour
X8 eggs 4 tsp. soda
X4 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt
X
XShape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie
Xsheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a
XHershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a
Xhell of a lot.
X%%
XPecor's Health-Food Principle:
X Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in
X it.
X%%
XPedaeration, n.:
X The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the
Xsheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XPenguin Trivia #46:
X Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.
X -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
X%%
XPeople often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of
Xthe future.
X%%
X"People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense."
X -- Ken Kesey
X%%
XPeople usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
X%%
XPeople who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better
Xpress than people who are just funny and smart.
X -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post"
X%%
XPeople who claim they don't let little things bother them have never
Xslept in a room with a single mosquito.
X%%
XPeople who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
Xhaven't what they want that they don't want it.
X -- Ogden Nash
X%%
XPeople will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that
XBenjamin Franklin said it first.
X%%
XPeople will buy anything that's one to a customer.
X%%
XPeople will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they
Xdid yesterday.
X%%
XPereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
X"Confound those who have said our remarks before us."
X -- Aelius Donatus
X%%
XPerfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
X%%
XPerfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but
Xwhen there is no longer anything to take away.
X -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
X%%
XPersonifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
X%%
XPeter's Law of Substitution:
X Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
X themselves.
X%%
XPhiladelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
Xexciting Camden, New Jersey.
X%%
XPhilogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
X%%
XPhilosophy will clip an angel's wings.
X -- John Keats
X%%
XPick another fortune cookie.
X%%
XPig, n.:
X An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
X by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however,
X is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XPISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
X You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
X followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your
X associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You
X lack confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people
X do terrible things to small animals.
X%%
XPISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20)
X Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the
X American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today,
X as nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed.
X You will probably get run over by a bus.
X%%
X Pittsburgh Driver's Test
X
X(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
X but a steady left tail light. This means
X
X (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
X to call the problem to the driver's attention.
X (b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
X (c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
X (d) the driver is from out of town.
X
XThe correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign
Xcountries to signal turns.
X%%
X Pittsburgh Driver's Test
X
X(8) Pedestrians are
X
X (a) irrelevant.
X (b) communists.
X (c) a nuisance.
X (d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
X
XThe correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
Xtotally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
X%%
XPity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
X -- Don Marquis
X%%
XPL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the
Xsolution set.
X -- E. W. Dijkstra
X%%
X"Plaese porrf raed."
X -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
X%%
XPlato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia
Xbecause they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers
Xcouldn't compete successfully with poets.
X -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half
X Shell"
X%%
XPlay Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill
Xthem.
X%%
XPlaying an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic
Xtable.
X -- Dave Barry, "The Snake"
X%%
XPlease ignore previous fortune.
X%%
XPlease take note:
X%%
XPlease try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas"
Xuntil you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched
Xout, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas,
Xand such.
X -- N. Meyrowitz
X%%
XPlease, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
X%%
X Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
Xrequiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
Xinto a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
Xproblems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
Xradio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
Xplumbing works.
X A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
Xexcept that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
Xit has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
Xand toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
Xall like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
Xkill you.
X -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
X%%
XPLUNDERER'S THEME
X(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
X
XPillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
XIf you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
XKill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
XPillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
X%%
XPohl's law:
X Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
X%%
XPolice: Good evening, are you the host?
XHost: No.
XPolice: We've been getting complaints about this party.
XHost: About the drugs?
XPolice: No.
XHost: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?
XPolice: No, the noise.
XHost: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns
X or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the
X background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise?
X The neighbors?
XPolice: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
X complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could
X ask the host to quiet things down?
XHost: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagon bug with primitive
X religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living
X room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the
X lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out
X onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind
X down.
X%%
XPolitical T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
Xall their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
X%%
XPolitician, n.:
X An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
Xorganized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the
Xagitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared
Xwith the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XPolitician, n.:
X From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
X "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face).
X Hence "polytetien", a person of two or more faces.
X -- Martin Pitt
X%%
XPoliticians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even
Xwhere there is no river.
X -- Nikita Khrushchev
X%%
XPolitics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough
Xto understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
X%%
XPolymer physicists are into chains.
X%%
XPope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the
XChurch, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The
Xwhite smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before
Xit dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his
Xname had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with
Xlaughter, singing
X Half a pound of tuppenny rice
X Half a pound of treacle
X That's the way the chimney smokes
X Pope Goestheveezl
XThe square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of
Xlaughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for
Xhilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron
XHans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653.
X -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
X%%
XPortable, adj.:
X Survives system reboot.
X%%
XPositive, adj.:
X Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XPound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
X%%
X"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat"
X -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987
X%%
XPower corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
X%%
XPower, n:
X The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
X%%
XPractical people would be more practical if they would take a little
Xmore time for dreaming.
X -- J. P. McEvoy
X%%
XPredestination was doomed from the start.
X%%
XPresident Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
Xforecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
X%%
XPresident Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
Xvote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
X -- The Washington Post
X%%
XPretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
X%%
XPreudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
X It's on the other side.
X%%
X[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves
Xto see him work.
X -- Winston Churchill
X%%
XPro is to con as progress is to Congress.
X%%
XProbable-Possible, my black hen,
XShe lays eggs in the Relative When.
XShe doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
XBecause she's unable to postulate how.
X -- Frederick Winsor
X%%
XProbably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
Xorgasms? The answer is yes, the have orgasms almost constantly, which
Xis why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
X -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
X Teen Should Know"
X%%
XProfessor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem.
XEng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on
Xhis exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's
Xearned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
X%%
XProof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
X
XThis technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction
Xtechniques are very popular, even the military used them.
X
XSAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
X
X We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
Xfor every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n
Xas large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is
Xtrivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We
Xcan take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just
Xabout _n.
X QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
X%%
XProof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
X SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs.
X(1) Horses have an even number of legs.
X(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
X(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
X legs for a horse.
X(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
X(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
X
XTopics is be covered in future issues include proof by:
X Intimidation
X Gesticulation (handwaving)
X "Try it; it works"
X Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...)
X Blatant assertion
X Changing all the 2's to _n's
X Mutual consent
X Lack of a counterexample, and
X "It stands to reason"
X%%
X"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller
Xthan the both put together."
X%%
XPsychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check
Xthree friends. If they're OK, you're it.
X%%
XPuns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
Xto spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
Xto indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
Xcleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
Xfact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
Xlifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
Xthe first day even if they have plenty of food and water.
X -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
X%%
XPure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.
X%%
XPure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.
X%%
XPushing 40 is exercise enough.
X%%
XPut no trust in cryptic comments.
X%%
XPut your Nose to the Grindstone!
X -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
X%%
XPutt's Law:
X Technology is dominated by two types of people:
X Those who understand what they do not manage.
X Those who manage what they do not understand.
X%%
XQ: Do you know what the death rate around here is?
XA: One per person.
X%%
XQ: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
XA: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
X%%
XQ: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
XA: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
X%%
XQ: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
XA: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
X
XQ: How long does it take?
XA: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've
X brought with them.
X
XQ: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
XA: They replace your generator.
X%%
XQ: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
XA: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb
X itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
X reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a
X maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
X%%
XQ: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
X in San Francisco?
XA: Both of them.
X%%
XQ: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
XA: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
X%%
XQ: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
XA: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
X%%
XQ: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
XA: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
X Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
X the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20%
X of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences
X of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
X%%
XQ: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
XA: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
X light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government
X plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a pulitzer
X prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb
X assassin to break the bulb in the first place.
X%%
XQ: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
XA: One and a half.
X%%
XQ: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
XA: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
X to the earlier joke.
X%%
XQ: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
XA: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
X Californians trying to share the experience.
X%%
XQ: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
XA: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
X with brightly colored machine tools.
X%%
XQ: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
XA: None. The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out
X of the way.
X%%
XQ: What's a light-year?
XA: One-third less calories than a regular year.
X%%
XQ: Why did the tachyon cross the road?
XA: Because it was on the other side.
X%%
XQ: Why do ducks have flat feet?
XA: To stamp out forest fires.
X
XQ: Why do elephants have flat feet?
XA: To stamp out flaming ducks.
X%%
XQ: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
XA: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
X%%
XQuality Control, n.:
X The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
X a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100
X works.
X%%
XQuestion:
XMan Invented Alcohol,
XGod Invented Grass.
XWho do you trust?
X%%
XQuick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
X%%
XQuick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!
X%%
XQuidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.
X
X(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)
X%%
XQuigley's Law:
X Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
X atttempt to use it.
X%%
XQUOTE OF THE DAY:
X
X `
X
X%%
X"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
X%%
XQWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]:
X 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69
X kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2.
X [colloq.] one thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can
X carry; 3. [anat.] a painful irritation of the dermis in the
X region of the anus; 4. [slang] person who excites in others the
X symptoms of a qwert.
X -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed.
X%%
X _
X _ / \ o
X / \ | | o o o
X | | | | _ o o o o
X | \_| | / \ o o o
X \__ | | | o o
X | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____
X | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__
X | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\
X | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " )
X | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
X | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\
X | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\
X // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\
X // ( ) / / \` \__ \\
X //-------------------------------------------------------------\\
X
XEvery now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
Xstart closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
Xthen drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
Xmusic at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
X -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
X%%
XRadioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
X%%
XRattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something
XI saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of
Xcomputer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport
Xstore. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told
Xall of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all
Xthe lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are
Xthey taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current
Xrate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on
XInformation Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be
Ximpressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying
Xgoes, giving away the store?
X -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President
X%%
XRay's Rule of Precision:
X Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
X%%
XRazors pain you;
XRivers are damp;
XAcids stain you;
XAnd drugs cause cramp.
XGuns aren't lawful;
XNooses give;
XGas smells awful;
XYou might as well live.
X -- Dorothy Parker
X%%
END_OF_scene.ah
echo shar: 33 control characters may be missing from \"scene.ah\"
if test 46734 -ne `wc -c <scene.ah`; then
echo shar: \"scene.ah\" unpacked with wrong size!
fi
# end of overwriting check
fi
echo shar: End of archive 12 \(of 16\).
cp /dev/null ark12isdone
MISSING=""
for I in 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 ; do
if test ! -f ark${I}isdone ; then
MISSING="${MISSING} ${I}"
fi
done
if test "${MISSING}" = "" ; then
echo You have unpacked all 16 archives.
rm -f ark[1-9]isdone ark[1-9][0-9]isdone
else
echo You still need to unpack the following archives:
echo " " ${MISSING}
fi
## End of shell archive.
exit 0