games-request@tekred.TEK.COM (06/03/87)
Submitted by: arnold@apollo.UUCP
Comp.sources.games: Volume 1, Issue 39
Archive-name: fortune/Part13
#! /bin/sh
# This is a shell archive. Remove anything before this line, then unpack
# it by saving it into a file and typing "sh file". To overwrite existing
# files, type "sh file -c". You can also feed this as standard input via
# unshar, or by typing "sh <file", e.g.. If this archive is complete, you
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# Contents: scene.ai
# Wrapped by billr@tekred on Thu May 21 15:14:53 1987
PATH=/bin:/usr/bin:/usr/ucb ; export PATH
if test -f scene.ai -a "${1}" != "-c" ; then
echo shar: Will not over-write existing file \"scene.ai\"
else
echo shar: Extracting \"scene.ai\" \(46146 characters\)
sed "s/^X//" >scene.ai <<'END_OF_scene.ai'
XRe graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe
Xthe picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described
Xwith pictures.
X%%
XReader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
XCongress. But I repeat myself.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XReal computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
Xvalue but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
Xmuch too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
Xthis because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
X%%
XReal computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware
Xhas limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing
Xmachines are so poor at I/O.
X%%
XReal computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are
Xso long they can't afford the disk space.
X%%
XReal computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write
Xin anything less portable than a number two pencil.
X%%
XReal computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker
Xwith `programming systems', but those are so high level that they
Xhardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for
Xapplications.)
X%%
XReal computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run
Xon future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo
Xsapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
X%%
XReal programmers disdain structured programming. Structured
Xprogramming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-
Xtrained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise
Xclear desks.
X%%
XReal programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine
Xdoesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell
Xquiche.
X%%
XReal programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it
Xshould be hard to understand.
X%%
XReal programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the
Xilliterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how
Xmuch good it did them.
X%%
XReal Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires
Xyou to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers
Xwear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly
Xspring up in the middle of the machine room.
X%%
XReal programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write
Xin BASIC after reaching puberty.
X%%
XReal programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress
Xfreaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who
Xwear white socks.
X%%
XReal Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who
Xcan't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
X%%
XReal Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
X%%
XReal Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use
Xfunctions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
X%%
XReal software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.
XThis process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a
Xcomputer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
X%%
XReal software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and
Xgreasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any
Xmoment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that
Xsystems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal
Xcomputers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your
XDFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their
XCorrectness Verification Aid packages.
X%%
XReal software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the
Xjob is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like
Xusing an undocumented external procedure.
X%%
XReal Time, adj.:
X Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there
X and then.
X%%
XReal Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never
Xafraid to break your face.
X%%
XReal Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts
Xdown the system for days.
X%%
XReal Users hate Real Programmers.
X%%
XReal Users know your home telephone number.
X%%
XReal Users never know what they want, but they always know when your
Xprogram doesn't deliver it.
X%%
XReal Users never use the Help key.
X%%
XReal World, The n.:
X 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may
Xbe used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To
Xprogrammers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related
Xto programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and
Xtie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 4.
XThe location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university.
X"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used
Xpejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking
Xof someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a
Xdeceased person.
X%%
XReality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
X%%
XReality is an obstacle to hallucination.
X%%
XReality is for people who lack imagination.
X%%
XReality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.
X%%
XReality is just a convenient measure of complexity.
X -- Alvy Ray Smith
X%%
X"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go
Xaway".
X -- Philip K. Dick
X%%
X"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
X%%
XReceiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
Xbeing flat broke and having a stomach ache.
X -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
X%%
XRecession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you
Xlose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,
Xbut sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and
XChase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3
Xrecessions.
X%%
XReclaimer, spare that tree!
XTake not a single bit!
XIt used to point to me,
XNow I'm protecting it.
XIt was the reader's CONS
XThat made it, paired by dot;
XNow, GC, for the nonce,
XThou shalt reclaim it not.
X%%
X "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
XCandy
XIs dandy
XBut liquor
XIs quicker.
X -- Ogden Nash
X%%
X"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe
Xagain ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know
Xwhich part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
Xspherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the
Xstarfield surrounding the ship.
X
X"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC
Xannounced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they
Xare obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been
Xintercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and
Xtransferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown.
XApart from the unknowns, everything is obvious."
X -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star"
X%%
XReisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia:
X If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
X%%
XReligion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
X -- Anatole France
X%%
X"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is when he never used
Xit."
X -- Dave Barry
X%%
XRemember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
Xworse in Cleveland.
X -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
X%%
XRemember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
Xoffense!
X%%
XRemember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
X%%
XRemember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
X%%
XRenning's Maxim:
X Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
X%%
XReporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
X Civilization?
XGandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
X%%
XReporter, n.:
X A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
X tempest of words.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XREPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
X
XSENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
Xthe country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
Xcarry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
XI have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind
Xof chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to
Xdo all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
Xours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we
Xneed is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political
Xcareer be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
Xthat's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
Xcan't help it.
X -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
X%%
XResearch is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
X -- Wernher von Braun
X%%
XResisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
Xanother chance later on.
X%%
XReview Questions
X
X(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH,
X and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before
X he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the
X Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship?
X
X(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks
X twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks
X every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off
X his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week?
X
X(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers
X the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a
X pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King
X Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice?
X%%
XRhode's Law:
X When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening,
X circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly,
X empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied,
X inferred, induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically
X guessed, it will always for the purpose of convenience,
X expediency, political advantage, material gain, or personal
X comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the above,
X be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and
X adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally,
X immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes
X advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe.
X%%
X"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."
X -- Steven Wright
X%%
XRocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
X Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
X reject the proposal.
X%%
XRomeo wasn't bilked in a day.
X -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
X Pogo"
X%%
XROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
XMERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
X door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
X%%
XRudin's Law:
X If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it
X every time.
X%%
XRule 46, Oxford Union Society, London:
X Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall
X be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind
X person shall be deemed to be a cat.
X%%
XRule of Creative Research:
X (1) Never draw what you can copy.
X (2) Never copy what you can trace.
X (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
X%%
XRule of Defactualization:
X Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
X%%
XRule of Feline Frustration:
X When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
X content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
X bathroom.
X%%
XRule of the Great:
X When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
X thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
X%%
XRules for Academic Deans:
X (1) HIDE!!!!
X (2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
X -- Father Damian C. Fandal
X%%
XRules for driving in New York:
X (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.
X (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers
X on.
X (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the
X intersection.
X%%
XRULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
X (1) Never eat on an empty stomach.
X (2) Never leave the table hungry.
X (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry.
X (4) Enjoy your food.
X (5) Enjoy your companion's food.
X (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to
X accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned.
X (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare,
X for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a
X brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks?
X (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal.
X (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You
X can always eat it later.
X (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap.
X (11) Avoid blue food.
X -- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
X%%
XRules:
X (1) The boss is always right.
X (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
X%%
X Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
X Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
X
X(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
X ants.
X(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
X(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
X(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
X(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
X(6) People ignore you at parties.
X(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
X(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
X%%
X Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
X(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
X bomb; use the stairs.
X(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
X the ground.
X(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
X(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
X psychological problems.
X(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to
X recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
X potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
X(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
X will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
X(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
X(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
X staggering illegally.
X(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
X sanitary due to limited circulation.
X(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
X D-Day.
X%%
XSAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
X You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
X tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
X of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People
X laugh at you a great deal.
X%%
XSan Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
X -- Herb Caen
X%%
XSan Francisco, n.:
X Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
X%%
XSanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
X -- Mark Harrold
X%%
XSanta Claus wears a Red Suit,
X He must be a communist.
XAnd a beard and long hair,
X Must be a pacifist.
X
X What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
X -- Arlo Guthrie
X%%
XSatellite Safety Tip #14:
X If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
X%%
XSattinger's Law:
X It works better if you plug it in.
X%%
XSaturday night in Toledo Ohio,
X Is like being nowhere at all,
XAll through the day how the hours rush by,
X You sit in the park and you watch the grass die.
X -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio"
X%%
XSauron is alive in Argentina!
X%%
XSave energy: be apathetic.
X%%
XSave the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
X%%
XSave the whales. Collect the whole set.
X%%
XSCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
X -- Ken Thompson
X%%
XSchapiro's Explanation:
X The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's
X because they use more manure.
X%%
XSchizophrenia beats being alone.
X%%
XSchlattwhapper, n.:
X The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down,
X hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XSchnuffel, n.:
X A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in
X mixed company.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XSchwiggle, n.:
X The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a
X pencil.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XScience is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made
Xof facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts
Xis not necessarily science.
X -- Henri Poincair'e
X%%
XScience is what happens when preconception meets verification.
X%%
XSCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
X You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will
X achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of
X ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
X%%
XScott's first Law:
X No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
X%%
XScott's second Law:
X When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
X to have been wrong in the first place.
X
XCorollary:
X After the correction has been found in error, it will be
X impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
X equation.
X%%
XScotty: Captain, we din' can reference it!
XKirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock?
XSpock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table.
XKirk: Then it's of external origin?
XSpock: Affirmative.
XKirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two.
XSulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
X%%
XScrew up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
X%%
XScrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the
XPresidency.
X -- Richard Nixon
X%%
XSecond Law of Business Meetings:
X If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
X will pick the wrong one.
X
XCorollary:
X If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
X wrong, anyway.
X%%
X"Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State).
X In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a
Xmultiline message byte.
X In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message
Xmust be sent passive true.
X The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter:
X (1) The ANRS if DAV is false
X (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither:
X (a) The LADS is active
X (b) Nor LACS is active"
X
X -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for
X Programmable Instrumentation
X%%
XSecurity check: INTRUDER ALERT!
X%%
XSeduced, shaggy Samson snored.
XShe scissored short. Sorely shorn,
XSoon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
XSilently scheming,
XSightlessly seeking
XSome savage, spectacular suicide.
X -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
X%%
XSeleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine:
X Ice Cream cures all ills.
X%%
XSelf Test for Paranoia:
X You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's
X your own fault.
X%%
XSeminars, n.:
X From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
X%%
XSen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
X notify you if the record has pornographics material or
X material glorifying violence?"
XTipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
XFrank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
X legs on the album cover is good indication that it's
X not for little Johnny."
X
X -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
X lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
X%%
XSenate, n.:
X A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and
Xmisdemeanors.
X -- Ambrose Bierce
X%%
XSerenity through viciousness.
X%%
XSerocki's Stricture:
X Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
X%%
XServing coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
X%%
X "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated
Xthoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY
Xadvice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
X "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
X "Too proud?" the other enquired.
X Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
Xshe said, "that one can't help growing older."
X "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
Xproper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
X -- Lewis Carroll
X%%
XSeveral years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
Xbig store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
Xreasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
Xbuild a home center. And before long home centers were springing up
Xlike crabgrass all over the United States.
X -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
X%%
XSex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
X%%
XSex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
X -- Swami X
X%%
XSex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
X -- M. C. Reed.
X%%
XSex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
Xit's one of the best.
X -- Woody Allen
X%%
XShamus, n. [Yiddish]:
X A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
Xtemple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
X A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
Xfunctionaries, and there's a joke about that:
X A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
Xmiddle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be
Xbested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
X The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
Xam nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
Xhe's nobody!"
X -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
X%%
XSharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off
Xduring games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
X -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
X Teen Should Know"
X%%
XShaw's Principle:
X Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
X want to use it.
X%%
X"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
X -- Gypsy Rose Lee
X%%
XShe is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XShe liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them
Xwere bad.
X%%
XShe missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
Xhave poured on a waffle ...
X%%
X"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing,
Xyou should hear me play piano.'"
X -- Morrisey
X%%
XShe's genuinely bogus.
X%%
X"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
Xtaken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an
Xexcess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
X -- Samuel Johnson
X%%
XSHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
XPOP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
X%%
XShow me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
Xplaying golf with his boss.
X%%
XShow respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
X%%
XSigns of crime: screaming or cries for help.
X -- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
X%%
XSilverman's Law:
X If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
X%%
XSimon's Law:
X Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
X%%
XSince I hurt my pendulum
XMy life is all erratic.
XMy parrot, who was cordial,
XIs now transmitting static.
XThe carpet died, a palm collapsed,
XThe cat keeps doing poo.
XThe only thing that keeps me sane
XIs talking to my shoe.
X -- My Shoe
X%%
XSince we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're
Xalive.
X -- John Sloan
X%%
XSince we're all here, we must not be all there.
X -- Bob "Mountain" Beck
X%%
X[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
Xvices I admire.
X -- Winston Churchill
X%%
XSixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate
XBible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically
Xexcommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text.
XThis he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally
Xexamined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published
XVulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be
Xprinted and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry
Xcomments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had
Xno recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy.
X%%
XSkinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
X That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
X or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you
X should have gotten.
X%%
XSlang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
Xto work.
X%%
XSlaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not,
Xwhen a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and
Xapparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I
Xneither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a
Xtale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they
Xwere tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of
Xsouls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a
Xtestimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from
Xchains.
X -- Frederick Douglass
X%%
XSlick's Three Laws of the Universe:
X (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
X check.
X (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
X (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
X attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
X attracted to dark objects.
X%%
XSlurm, n.:
X The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when
X it sits in the dish too long.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XSmoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
X -- Fletcher Knebel
X%%
XSmoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
X -- Fletcher Knebel
X%%
XSnacktrek, n.:
X The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
X returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will
X have materialized.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XSo as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate
Xyour current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and
Xhurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast
Xarray of 8-millimeter video equipment.
X
X... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you
Xwere gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format
Xthat makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as
Xtoenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be
Xmade available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a
Xformat called "Elroy", so *order yours now*.
X -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics
X Revolution"
X%%
XSo far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
Xpraise of intelligence.
X -- Bertrand Russell
X%%
X... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
Xwho wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
Xand will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
Xand otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
X -- Voltarine de Cleyre
X%%
X So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
XWith a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
Xmaneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
Xcorner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
Xflop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward
Xit, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
XI can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
Xthe armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
X Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and
XI were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our
Xheads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
Xunarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
Xup to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
Xopposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
Xour feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all
Xthe way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
Xcartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
Xthese two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
Xinto trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
X -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
X%%
X"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
Xpie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
Xits head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very
Ximprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
Xand the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
Xand they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
Xgunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
X -- Samuel Foote
X%%
X... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
Xprocedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
Xto infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
Xsharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
Xdocumentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
Xlistless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
Xdocumentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
Xunder the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
Xeffect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
Xscientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
Xin the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
Xthing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
Xthen they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
Xdangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all
Xalong.
X -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
X%%
XSo, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever
Xremember his Bible?
X%%
XSodd's Second Law:
X Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
X bound to occur.
X%%
XSoftware, n.:
X Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
X%%
XSome don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
X%%
XSome men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them.
X -- Ed Howe
X%%
XSome of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to
Xcelebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around
Xstringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on
X"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind
Xof subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The
Xgovernment would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level
XDepartment of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and
Xbillions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which
Xit would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming
Xthousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with
Xthe Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money
Xand go to a mall.
X -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
X%%
XSome people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
Xpeople have mediocrity thrust upon them.
X -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
X%%
XSome people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only
Xone life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
X%%
XSome people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
Xthem on the head.
X%%
XSome people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic.
X%%
XSome performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when
Xyou finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even
Xworse.
X -- Avery
X%%
XSome points to remember [about animals]:
X
X(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri,
X hippopotamuses;
X(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the
X front of your clothes;
X(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs
X you have just kicked.
X -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
X%%
XSome primal termite knocked on wood.
XAnd tasted it, and found it good.
XAnd that is why your Cousin May
XFell through the parlor floor today.
X -- Ogden Nash
X%%
XSome programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand
Xprogress.
X%%
XSome programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand
Xprogress.
X -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
X%%
XSomebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
Xpens will multiply instead of disappear.
X%%
XSomeone will try to honk your nose today.
X%%
X"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
Xthe only ashtray."
X%%
XSometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
X -- Lily Tomlin
X%%
X"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
XMachineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
Xintimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men
Xand women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our
Xbest, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are
Xwe not God's Machineries of Joy?"
X
X"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
X -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
X%%
XSomewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
X%%
XSong Title of the Week:
X "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
X in me."
X%%
XSooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
Xpaid may disregard this fortune).
X%%
XSorry, no fortune this time.
X%%
XSorry. I forget what I was going to say.
X%%
XSpace is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
Xbogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
Xroad to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
X -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
X%%
X"Spare no expense to save money on this one."
X -- Samuel Goldwyn
X%%
XSpark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
X If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
X if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the
X question back at him.
X%%
XSpeak roughly to your little boy,
X And beat him when he sneezes:
XHe only does it to annoy
X Because he knows it teases.
X
X Wow! wow! wow!
X
XI speak severely to my boy,
X And beat him when he sneezes:
XFor he can thoroughly enjoy
X The pepper when he pleases!
X
X Wow! wow! wow!
X -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
X%%
XSpeak roughly to your little VAX,
X And boot it when it crashes;
XIt knows that one cannot relax
X Because the paging thrashes!
X
X Wow! Wow! Wow!
X
XI speak severely to my VAX,
X And boot it when it crashes;
XIn spite of all my favorite hacks
X My jobs it always thrashes!
X
X Wow! Wow! Wow!
X%%
XSpeak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
X%%
XSpeak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.
X -- Dave Millman
X%%
XSpeaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am
Xsure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging,
Xcycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free
Xthe middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a
Xbit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a
Xcontrolled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before
Xpassing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same
Xmemory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well,
Xno, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously
Xdesigned and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use?
X%%
XSpeaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror:
X
X With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair
X He throws the spinning disk drives in the air!
X And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down
X As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds!
X Helpless users with projects due
X Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too!
X
X Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla!
X Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!"
X
X* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation
X* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc.
X -- Curtis Jackson
X%%
XSpeaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently
Xthese days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people
Xto communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't
Xcommunicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so
Xon. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real
Xlife, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't
Xcommunicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least
Xhe can do is to Shut Up!
X -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was"
X%%
X"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
X%%
XSpeer's 1st Law of Proofreading:
X The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the
X number of times you have looked at it.
X%%
XSpelling is a lossed art.
X%%
XSpend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
X%%
XSpirtle, n.:
X The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in
X your eye.
X -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
X%%
XSpouse, n.:
X Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you
X wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
X%%
X"Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist
Xdrivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the
Xgreatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll
Xtake you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!"
X -- Harlan Ellison
X%%
XStay away from flying saucers today.
X%%
XStay away from hurricanes for a while.
X%%
X"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
X%%
XSteele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
X Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
X another drink.
X%%
XSteinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
X Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
X handle.
X%%
XStop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
X%%
XStop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only
Xtake a bath ...
X%%
XStult's Report:
X Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is
X fight the solutions.
X%%
XStupid, n.:
X Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
X%%
XStupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
X%%
XSturgeon's Law:
X 90% of everything is crud.
X%%
XSubstitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your
Xeditor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XSubtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
Xbefore it is understood.
X%%
XSuccumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
X%%
XSuddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar
Xwithout his duck ...
X%%
X(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA)
X
X To code the impossible code,
X To bring up a virgin machine,
X To pop out of endless recursion,
X To grok what appears on the screen,
X
X To right the unrightable bug,
X To endlessly twiddle and thrash,
X To mount the unmountable magtape,
X To stop the unstoppable crash!
X%%
XSupport bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
X%%
XSupport wildlife -- vote for an orgy.
X%%
XSupport your local police force -- steal!!
X%%
XSure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
X%%
XSurprise due today. Also the rent.
X%%
XSurprise your boss. Get to work on time.
X%%
XSurprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type
Xin your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving
Xthe room is punishable under law:
X
XName #
X%%
XSwahili, n.:
X The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
Xretractions.
X -- Johnny Hart
X%%
XSweater, n.:
X A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
X%%
XSwipple's Rule of Order:
X He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
X%%
XSyntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.
X -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
X%%
XSystem/3! System/3!
XSee how it runs! See how it runs!
X Its monitor loses so totally!
X It runs all its programs in RPG!
X It's made by our favorite monopoly!
XSystem/3!
X%%
XSystems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
Xinfinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
X -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
X%%
XT: One big monster, he called TROLL.
X He don't rock, and he don't roll;
X Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
X He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.
X -- The Roguelet's ABC
X%%
XTact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a
Xhole in his head.
X%%
XTact, n.:
X The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
X%%
XTake everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
X%%
XTake heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
Xenough cheese
X -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
X%%
XTake it easy, we're in a hurry.
X%%
XTake my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it
Xneeds a very clever woman to manage a fool.
X -- Kipling
X%%
XTake the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit
Xback and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good
Xbeverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
Xdrinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
Xnail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
Xand the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So
XCoca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw
Xno need to improve ...
X -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
X%%
XTake your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to
Xyour execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms,
Xand they'll call you crazy.
X -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
X%%
XTalk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
X -- Euripides
X%%
XTalkers are no good doers.
X -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
X%%
XTalking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.
X -- Friedrich Nietzsche
X%%
XTAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
X You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
X determination and work like hell. Most people think you are
X stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist.
X%%
XTax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
Xthe tree."
X -- Russell Long
X%%
XTaxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself
Xout of the market.
X%%
XTaxes, n.:
X Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
X an extension.
X%%
XTeach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
Xgrows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
X%%
XTeamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.
X%%
XTechnological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means
Xfor going backwards.
X -- Aldous Huxley
X%%
XTelephone, n.:
X An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the
Xadvantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
X -- Ambrose Bierce
X%%
XTell me, O Octopus, I begs,
XIs those things arms, or is they legs?
XI marvel at thee, Octopus;
XIf I were thou, I'd call me us.
X -- Ogden Nash
X%%
XTen years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
Xwriting.
X -- R. Geis
X%%
X"Terence, this is stupid stuff:
XYou eat your victuals fast enough;
XThere can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
XTo see the rate you drink your beer.
XBut oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
XIt gives a chap the belly-ache.
XThe cow, the old cow, she is dead;
XIt sleeps well the horned head:
XWe poor lads, 'tis our turn now
XTo hear such tunes as killed the cow.
XPretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
XYour friends to death before their time.
XMoping, melancholy mad:
XCome, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."
X -- A. E. Housman
X%%
X"Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a
Xsurprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one
Xhand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other
Xhand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother."
X -- Len Cool, "American Pie"
X%%
XTertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a
Xpagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city
Xuntil about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is
Xascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe
Xbecause it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical
Xfact, for he merely said:
X
X "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because
X it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain
X because it is impossible."
X
XThanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
Xphilosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
X -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types
X
X(Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
X%%
XTest-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
X%%
XTexas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
X%%
X"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even
Xone which cannot be justified on any other grounds."
X -- J. Finnegan, USC.
X%%
X"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"
X -- Foghorn Leghorn
X%%
X"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
X%%
XThat secret you've been guarding, isn't.
X%%
XThat woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
X -- Dorothy Parker
X%%
XThe 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
X%%
XThe [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
Xpeople who want some.
X -- Dwight MacDonald
X%%
XThe Abrams' Principle:
X The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
X%%
XThe advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
X -- Thomas Jefferson
X%%
XThe Advertising Agency Song:
X
X When your client's hopping mad,
X Put his picture in the ad.
X If he still should prove refractory,
X Add a picture of his factory.
X%%
X... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
Xconsists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
Xof "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
Xlisten to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
X -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
X%%
XThe Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
XRiver can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little
XRock.
X%%
XThe Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
XNot only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
Xand color, but also on ability.
X -- T. Lehrer
X%%
XThe Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
X -- Bill Murray
X%%
XThe assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use
Xin effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the
XDeclaration not for that, but for future use.
X -- Abraham Lincoln
X%%
XThe average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM.
END_OF_scene.ai
echo shar: 13 control characters may be missing from \"scene.ai\"
if test 46146 -ne `wc -c <scene.ai`; then
echo shar: \"scene.ai\" unpacked with wrong size!
fi
# end of overwriting check
fi
echo shar: End of archive 13 \(of 16\).
cp /dev/null ark13isdone
MISSING=""
for I in 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 ; do
if test ! -f ark${I}isdone ; then
MISSING="${MISSING} ${I}"
fi
done
if test "${MISSING}" = "" ; then
echo You have unpacked all 16 archives.
rm -f ark[1-9]isdone ark[1-9][0-9]isdone
else
echo You still need to unpack the following archives:
echo " " ${MISSING}
fi
## End of shell archive.
exit 0