games-request@tekred.UUCP (06/03/87)
Submitted by: arnold@apollo.UUCP
Comp.sources.games: Volume 1, Issue 41
Archive-name: fortune/Part15
#! /bin/sh
# This is a shell archive. Remove anything before this line, then unpack
# it by saving it into a file and typing "sh file". To overwrite existing
# files, type "sh file -c". You can also feed this as standard input via
# unshar, or by typing "sh <file", e.g.. If this archive is complete, you
# will see the following message at the end:
# "End of archive 15 (of 16)."
# Contents: scene.ak
# Wrapped by billr@tekred on Thu May 21 15:14:57 1987
PATH=/bin:/usr/bin:/usr/ucb ; export PATH
if test -f scene.ak -a "${1}" != "-c" ; then
echo shar: Will not over-write existing file \"scene.ak\"
else
echo shar: Extracting \"scene.ak\" \(46629 characters\)
sed "s/^X//" >scene.ak <<'END_OF_scene.ak'
X
XHe then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan,
Xthen he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open
Xmarket.
X
XIf a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should
Xnot accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
X
XSuch a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
XSuch a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
XSuch a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
X -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
X%%
XThen here's to the City of Boston,
XThe town of the cries and the groans.
XWhere the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
XAnd the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
X -- Franklin Pierce Adams
X%%
X THEORY
XInto love and out again,
X Thus I went and thus I go.
XSpare your voice, and hold your pen:
X Well and bitterly I know
XAll the songs were ever sung,
X All the words were ever said;
XCould it be, when I was young,
X Someone dropped me on my head?
X -- Dorothy Parker
X%%
XThere *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
X%%
XThere are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
Xand praiseworthy ...
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XThere are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own
Xcats.
X%%
XThere are no games on this system.
X%%
XThere are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the
Xexistence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any
Xmarginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat
Xengine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is
Xobviously impossible.
X -- Richard Davisson
X%%
XThere are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the
Xtruth without lying.
X%%
XThere are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
Xvagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
X -- Gloria Steinem
X%%
X There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
Xsomeone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
XJohnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
XLarsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
Xevery other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
Xthis?
X Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
Xcenturies and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you
Xcan find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
Xforbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
X-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
Xeven understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
Xwhy there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
X -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
X%%
X"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
Xplants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
Xand when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
Xdon't we all?"
X%%
X"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells
Xand fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated
Xpools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving
Xthem parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you
Xstick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your
Xintelligence."
X -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII
X%%
XThere are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
X -- Disraeli
X%%
X"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
Xfrom the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
Xloaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
X%%
XThere are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be
Xoffered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin
Xa series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount
Xof food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of
Xaffection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately.
XWhen the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating.
XUnder no circumstances can the food be omitted.
X -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior
X%%
XThere are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring
Xthe changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many
Xfacts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next
Xfact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent
XUniverse controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's
XFactor; that's engineering.
X%%
XThere are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
Xcan't remember.
X -- Italo Svevo
X%%
XThere are three ways to get something done:
X (1) Do it yourself.
X (2) Hire someone to do it for you.
X (3) Forbid your kids to do it.
X%%
XThere are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
Xsomeone, or forbid your kids to do it.
X%%
XThere are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect
Xthe sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the
Xsunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.
X -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
X%%
XThere are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good
Xsleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
X -- Woody Allen
X%%
X"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
Xmake is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
Xother way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
Xdeficiencies."
X -- C. A. R. Hoare
X%%
X"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
Xother is to read Pope."
X -- Oscar Wilde
X%%
XThere are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one
Xworks.
X%%
XThere are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a
Xsuitable application of high explosives.
X%%
XThere cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
X -- Henry Kissinger
X%%
XThere exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer
Xthan 100.
X -- Steele's Law
X%%
XThere has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
Xnothing about.
X%%
XThere is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an
Xopinion.
X -- Anatole France
X%%
XThere is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
Xpaying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
X%%
XThere is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
X%%
XThere is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs
Xtied during the month of April.
X%%
X"There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor,
XHonesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and
Xlove of the Fatherland."
X -- Adolf Hitler
X%%
XThere is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
Xis for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
Xinexplicable."
X
XThere is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...."
X -- Donald Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"
X%%
XThere is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
Xwhat the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
Xdisappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
Xinexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has
Xalready happened.
X -- Donald Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
X%%
X"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a
Xvacuum."
X --Arthur C. Clarke
X%%
XThere is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XThere is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the
Xtools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not
Xabuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and
Xwar hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five,
Xof course.
X -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed.
X%%
X"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their
Xhome."
X -- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society
X Convention, 1977
X%%
XThere is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
X -- G. B. Shaw
X%%
XThere is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast
Xreflexes.
X%%
XThere is no such thing as fortune. Try again.
X%%
XThere is no time like the pleasant.
X%%
XThere is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
Xdoing.
X%%
XThere is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.
XThere are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong.
X%%
X"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine,"
Xsaid a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just
Xa short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable
Xquestion," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been
Xthere." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in
Xthe middle of the night?'"
X%%
XThere is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
Xthat is not being talked about.
X -- Oscar Wilde
X%%
XThere is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
Xreturns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XThere once was a girl named Irene
XWho lived on distilled kerosene
X But she started absorbin'
X A new hydrocarbon
XAnd since then has never benzene.
X%%
XThere once was a member of Mensa
XWho was a most excellent fencer.
X The sword that he used
X Was his -- (line is refused,
XAnd has now been removed by the censor).
X%%
XThere once was an old man from Esser,
XWho's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
X It at last grew so small,
X He knew nothing at all,
XAnd now he's a College Professor.
X%%
X"There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved
Xit."
X -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia
X%%
XThere was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were
Xleft in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley.
XUnfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they
Xstarted debating who should be allowed to stay.
X
XThe Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all
Xover the world, the President explained that if he died then America
Xwould be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley
Xsaid, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair
Xthing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97
Xvotes.
X%%
XThere was a young lady from Hyde
XWho ate a green apple and died.
X While her lover lamented
X The apple fermented
XAnd made cider inside her inside.
X%%
XThere was a young man who said "God,
XI find it exceedingly odd,
X That the willow oak tree
X Continues to be,
XWhen there's no one about in the Quad."
X
X"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd,
XFor I'm always about in the Quad;
X And that's why the tree,
X Continues to be,"
XSigned "Yours faithfully, God."
X%%
XThere was a young poet named Dan,
XWhose poetry never would scan.
X When told this was so,
X He said, "Yes, I know.
X%%
XThere was a young poet named Dan,
XWhose poetry never would scan.
X When told this was so,
X He said, "Yes, I know.
XIt's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
X%%
X"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial:
Xboth sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to
Xtalk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him
Xduring the trial."
X -- David Letterman
X%%
XThere were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of
Xthe two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double-
Xdigit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the
X8-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the
Xtransistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity
Xstereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative
Xfeedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching
Xsystems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the
Xfirst electrical digital computer, and the first communications
Xsatellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the
Xtelephone business?
X%%
XThere's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a
Xfence.
X%%
XThere's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
X%%
XThere's little in taking or giving,
X There's little in water or wine:
XThis living, this living, this living,
X Was never a project of mine.
XOh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
X The gain of the one at the top,
XFor art is a form of catharsis,
X And love is a permanent flop,
XAnd work is the province of cattle,
X And rest's for a clam in a shell,
XSo I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
X Would you kindly direct me to hell?
X -- Dorothy Parker
X%%
XThere's no future in time travel
X%%
XThere's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
X -- Dr. Who
X%%
XThere's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get
Xany worse.
X%%
XThere's no room in the drug world for amateurs.
X%%
XThere's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
Xworking for you.
X -- Will Rodgers
X%%
X"There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't
Xaggravate."
X%%
XThere's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
Xwhat it is I'll get married again.
X -- Clint Eastwood
X%%
XThere's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is
Xbecoming an endangered synthetic.
X -- Lily Tomlin
X%%
X"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!"
X"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!"
X"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP
Xout of MEGATON MAN!"
X%%
XThese days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they
Xused to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.
X%%
XThey also surf who only stand on waves.
X%%
X"They make a desert and call it peace."
X -- Tacitus (55?-120?)
X%%
XThey spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
Xalways spell better than they pronounce.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
X"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
X%%
XThey told me you had proven it When they discovered our results
X About a month before. Their hair began to curl
XThe proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it
X But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL.
X
XHe sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this
X To pass where they had failed For it must ever be
XAnd after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest
X The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me.
X
XMy notion was to start again
X Ignoring all they'd done
XWe quickly turned it into code
X To see if it would run.
X%%
XThey're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
X%%
X"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult
Xto like."
X -- Avon
X%%
XThings are more like they used to be than they are now.
X%%
XThings will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
X%%
XThink big. Pollute the Mississippi.
X%%
XThink honk if you're a telepath.
X%%
XThink of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
X%%
XThink of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer
Xcrashes.
X%%
XThink twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
X%%
X"Thirty days hath Septober,
XApril, June, and no wonder.
Xall the rest have peanut butter
Xexcept my father who wears red suspenders."
X%%
XThis Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14
X%%
XThis fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need,
Xplease use the program "________randchar". This program generates random
Xcharacters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
Xsomething profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be
Xmore profound than THIS program has ever been.
X%%
XThis fortune intentionally not included.
X%%
XThis fortune is false.
X%%
XThis fortune is inoperative. Please try another.
X%%
X"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
Xregardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling
Xkeys ..."
X%%
X"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT
XDOG."
X -- Bob Violence
X%%
X"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an
Xactual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?"
X%%
XThis is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly,
Xbecause the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under
Xwhich it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has
X"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the
Xconsumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any
Xrules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for
Xoxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill
XPerson School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers
Xover water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These
Xinnovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been
Xpassed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with
Xamazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do
Xapply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark,
Xand you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out.
X -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations"
X%%
XThis is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
X%%
XThis is for all ill-treated fellows
X Unborn and unbegot,
XFor them to read when they're in trouble
X And I am not.
X -- A. E. Housman
X%%
X"This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back
Xto one."
X -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
X%%
XThis is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
X%%
XTHIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
X
XIf you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
Xcontribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue
Xwithout your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are
Xcontributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We
Xcan't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money
Xfor fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
Xdifference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
Xand 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to
X"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before
Xyou forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
XDon't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
X30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
XFortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
Xmore, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
X%%
XThis is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
X%%
XThis is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
Xpower of computers:
X
XEnter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct
Xthe thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a
Xminimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The
Xresults are that one should eat each day:
X
X 1/2 chicken
X 1 egg
X 1 glass of skim milk
X 27 heads of lettuce.
X -- Rev. Adrian Melott
X%%
XThis is the story of the bee
XWhose sex is very hard to see
X
XYou cannot tell the he from the she
XBut she can tell, and so can he
X
XThe little bee is never still
XShe has no time to take the pill
X
XAnd that is why, in times like these
XThere are so many sons of bees.
X%%
XThis is your fortune.
X%%
XThis land is full of trousers!
Xthis land is full of mausers!
X And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!
X -- Firesign Theater
X%%
XThis land is made of mountains,
XThis land is made of mud,
XThis land has lots of everything,
XFor me and Elmer Fudd.
X
XThis land has lots of trousers,
XThis land has lots of mousers,
XAnd pussycats to eat them
XWhen the sun goes down.
X%%
XThis life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,
Xyou would have received further instructions as to what to do and where
Xto go.
X%%
XThis login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
X%%
XThis novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with
Xgreat force.
X -- Dorothy Parker
X%%
XThis planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
Xthe people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many
Xsolutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
Xlargely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
Xwhich is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
Xpaper that were unhappy.
X -- Douglas Adams
X%%
XThis quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland
Xstudent newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
X
X One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use
X Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one
X computer language to another and has a built-in editing system
X which identifies errors in the original program.
X%%
XThis sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
X -- Hofstadter
X%%
X... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives
Xas well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as
Xdetermined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people
Xbuy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s
Xcouple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three
Xweeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available,
Xthey stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent
Xrestaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of
Xexcellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going
Xoff like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have
Xa table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.
X -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
X%%
XThis will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
Xit.
X%%
X Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
Xrainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
Xthan he does.
X As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
Xit. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
Xsane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
Xconsider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
Xbeing eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
X The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
Xdo for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
Xhonor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
Xbe as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
Xrelations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
XThompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
XThis morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
X -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
X from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
X and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
X%%
XThose of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
Xof us who do.
X%%
XThose who can't write, write manuals.
X%%
XThose who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
X%%
XThose who educate children well are more to be honored than parents,
Xfor these only gave life, those the art of living well.
X -- Aristotle
X%%
XThose who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often
Xsurprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law.
X -- Mark B. Cohen
X%%
XThose who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
X%%
XThose who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent
Xrevolution inevitable.
X -- John F. Kennedy
X%%
XThose who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are
Xmen who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean
Xwithout the roar of its many waters.
X -- Frederick Douglass
X%%
XThree great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
Xthe molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
XHaeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
Xwhose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A
Xfifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
Xmore about the matter than the others.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XTime flies like an arrow
XFruit flies like a banana
X%%
XTime is an Illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
X%%
XTime is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so.
X -- Ford Prefect
X%%
XTime is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
Xonce.
X%%
X'Tis the dream of each programmer,
XBefore his life is done,
XTo write three lines of APL,
XAnd make the damn things run.
X%%
X (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
XScratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
XRoll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
XAnd the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
XTeletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
XGive the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
XAnd the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
XAnd we've also found Just flip one switch
XWhen you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
XYou turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
X in a flash.
XOh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
XNow the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
XAnd the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
X%%
X To A Quick Young Fox:
XWhy jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
XDaft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
XGuy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
XZow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
X -- Lazy Dog
X%%
XTo be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
X%%
XTo be is to do.
X -- I. Kant
XTo do is to be.
X -- A. Sartre
XYabba-Dabba-Doo!
X -- F. Flinstone
X%%
X"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
Xthis is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
Xoffer in response is based on information available to make no such
Xstatement."
X%%
XTo be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
Xcall it the target.
X%%
XTo err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
X%%
X"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
X%%
XTo generalize is to be an idiot.
X -- William Blake
X%%
XTo get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three
Xmen, two of them absent.
X%%
XTo invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
X -- Thomas Edison
X%%
XTo iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
X%%
XTo the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
X%%
XTo those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional
Xsystem development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy,
Xinelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence:
Xprecision and flexibility may be just as disfunctional in novel,
Xuncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar,
Xwell-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures
Xof dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very
Xsecure ecological niche.
X -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers"
X%%
XTo understand this important story, you have to understand how the
Xtelephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local
Xcomputer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is
Xin turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the
Xlawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan.
X
XWhenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it
Xsuspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the
Xcomputer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the
Xone above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe
Xbreak down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid
Xincident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse,
Xan entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca
Xpudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's
Xloudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen
Xand drink gin and laugh themselves silly.
X -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own
X Phones?"
X%%
X"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
X%%
X"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
X -- Woody Allen
X%%
XToday is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
X%%
XToday is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
X%%
XToday is the first day of the rest of the mess
X%%
XToday is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
X%%
XToday's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
X
XAnd where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
X -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
X%%
X"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
Xexcept in major motion pictures."
X -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
X%%
XToilet Toup'ee, n.:
X Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
X creating endless annoyance to male users.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XTomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
X%%
XTonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
X%%
XToo clever is dumb.
X -- Ogden Nash
X%%
XToo much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
X -- Mae West
X%%
XToo often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
Xbriefcases.
X -- Governor Jerry Brown
X%%
XTravel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
X%%
XTroubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
Xin eucalyptus trees.
X%%
XTruly great madness can not be achieved without significant
Xintelligence.
X -- Henrik Tikkanen
X%%
XTruth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XTruth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
X%%
XTruthful, adj.:
X Dumb and illiterate.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XTry not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.
X -- Charles Schulz
X%%
XTry to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no
Xgood.
X%%
XTry to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done,
Xis it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written
Xin four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and
Xpretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer),
Xdefined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the
Xabsolutely perfect future.
X -- Amrom Katz
X%%
XTry to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
X%%
XTrying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only
Xspecification is that it should run noiselessly.
X%%
XTrying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard.
X%%
XTurnaucka's Law:
X The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
X electrical cord.
X%%
XTussman's Law:
X Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
X%%
XTV is chewing gum for the eyes.
X -- Frank Lloyd Wright
X%%
X'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
XDid gyre and gimble in their cave
XAll mimsy was the CS-VAX
XAnd Cory raths outgrabe.
X
X"Beware the software rot, my son!
XThe faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
XBeware the broken pipe, and shun
XThe frumious system crash!"
X%%
X 'Twas the Night before Crisis
X
X'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
X Not a program was working not even a browse.
XThe programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
X Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
XThe users were nestled all snug in their beds,
X While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
XWhen out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
X I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
XAnd what to my wondering eyes should appear,
X But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
XMore rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
X And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
XOn Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
X On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
XHis eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
X From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
XA wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
X Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
X%%
X'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
X preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
X throughout our place of residence,
XKinetic activity was not in evidence among the
X possessors of this potential, including that
X species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus.
XHosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward
X edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus,
XPursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
X imminent visitation from an eccentric
X philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations
X is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ...
X%%
XTwenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.
X -- Walt Kelly
X%%
XTwo can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
X -- Howard Kandel
X%%
XTwo men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man
Xsaid, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The
Xsecond man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his
Xchambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded
Xonly in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the
Xcourtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten.
XIf his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is
Xdismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and
Xmust pay three silver pieces."
X%%
XTwo percent of zero is almost nothing.
X%%
X"Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory.
XI forget the second."
X%%
XTwo wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
X%%
XU: There's a U -- a Unicorn!
X Run right up and rub its horn.
X Look at all those points you're losing!
X UMBER HULKS are so confusing.
X -- The Roguelet's ABC
X%%
X"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex."
X
X(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)
X -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
X%%
XUFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
X%%
X"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"
X
X"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food,
Xright?"
X -- MacNelley, "Shoe"
X%%
XUncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
X Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
X hammer or get a splinter in it.
X%%
XUncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
X Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
X hammmer or get a splinter in it.
X%%
XUnder a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
Xjust man is also a prison.
X -- Henry David Thoreau
X%%
XUnder deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it
Xcan wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ...
X%%
XUnderlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
X Superiority is recessive.
X%%
XUnfair animal names:
X
X-- tsetse fly -- bullhead
X-- booby -- duck-billed platypus
X-- sapsucker -- Clarence
X -- Gary Larson
X%%
XUnited Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the
XChristmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of
Xall the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of
Xall the patriots of every persuasion.
X
XMeanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
Xworld.
X -- Isaac Asimov
X%%
XUniverse, n.:
X The problem.
X%%
XUniversity, n.:
X Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
X usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you
X how to fix it, and ...
X%%
Xunix soit qui mal y pense
X%%
XUNIX will be half a billion (500000000) seconds old on
XTue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).
X -- Andy Tannenbaum
X%%
XUnnamed Law:
X If it happens, it must be possible.
X%%
XUnquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out
Xtwice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
X -- H. L. Mencken
X%%
XUsage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
X%%
XUser n.:
X A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
X%%
XUsing TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
X -- S. C. Johnson
X%%
XUtility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two,
Xopulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.
X -- Doug Larson
X%%
XVail's Second Axiom:
X The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
X amount of work already completed.
X%%
XVan Roy's Law:
X An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
X%%
XVanilla, adj.:
X Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food,
Xvery often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla
Xextract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply
X"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot
Xand sour won ton soup.
X%%
XVelilind's Laws of Experimentation:
X (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
X once.
X (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
X points.
X%%
XVeni, Vidi, Visa.
X%%
X "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past
Xyear strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley
Xreap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
Xartichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue
Xmoon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
XHolstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the
Xentrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the
Xsun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."
X
X "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
X
X "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made
Xgood copy."
X -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
X%%
XVery few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
X%%
XVila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
XOrac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes
X waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
X%%
XViolence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
X -- Salvor Hardin
X%%
XVirginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the
Xyard.
X%%
XVIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
X Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to
X ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this
X morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you
X wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of
X that old underwear you own.
X%%
XVIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
X You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is
X sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and
X sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus
X drivers.
X%%
X"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
X%%
XVirtue is its own punishment.
X%%
XVital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
Xfrom where you left them to where you can't find them.
X%%
XVitamin C deficiency is apauling
X%%
XVMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.
X%%
XVote anarchist
X%%
XVote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and
XTAX-DEFERRED!
X%%
XVYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
X%%
X"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XWaiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
X1st customer: "I'll have tea."
X2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
X (Waiter exits, returns)
XWaiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
X%%
XWalk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
X%%
XWar hath no fury like a non-combatant.
X -- Charles Edward Montague
X%%
XWar is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
X%%
X WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
X
XFirings will continue until morale improves.
X%%
X WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
X
XFirings will continue until morale improves.
X%%
XWARNING:
X Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
X mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of
X hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of
X your favorite war.
X%%
XWarning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
Xthose who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
Xup.
X -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83
X%%
XWarp 7 -- It's a law we can live with.
X%%
XWashington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
X -- John F. Kennedy
X%%
XWasting time is an important part of living.
X%%
XWatson's Law:
X The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
X number and significance of any persons watching it.
X%%
XWe are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which
Xdivides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being
Xcorrect. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.
X -- Niels Bohr
X%%
XWe are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm.
X -- Winston Churchill
X%%
XWe ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
X -- Whole Earth Catalog
X%%
XWe are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
X -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
X%%
XWe are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
Xsocialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The
Xbad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say
Xsocialism?
X -- Fidel Castro
X%%
X"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last
Xtheorem."
X -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
X%%
X"We are upping our standards ... so up yours."
X -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988.
X%%
XWe can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
X%%
XWe can predict everything, except the future.
X%%
XWe cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
Xdeceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
X -- James E. Day, Postmaster General
X%%
X"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"
X -- Vroomfondel
X%%
X"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
X%%
XWe don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a
Xfish.
X%%
XWe don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
Xhardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights!
X%%
X"We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an
Xhour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down
Xmill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on
Xour grave singing Haleleuia ..."
X -- Monty Python
X%%
XWe have met the enemy, and he is us.
X -- Walt Kelly
X%%
XWe have only 2 things to worry about: That things will never get back
Xto normal, and that they already have.
X%%
X"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
Xhands for masturbation."
X -- Lily Tomlin
X%%
XWe have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an
Xofficial name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death
XFlu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish
Xyou had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that
Xsaid "ELECTROCUTION".
X
XAnother symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your
Xteeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing
Xprocess, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a
Xcouple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways
Xout of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste
Xstalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom
Xfloor, which is how the police would find you.
X
XYou know the kind of flu I'm talking about.
X -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide"
X%%
XWe may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all
Xpurely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start
Xwith? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the
Xplaying of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is
Xbest to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can
Xbuy, and then teach it to understand and speak English.
X -- Alan M. Turing
X%%
XWe may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
Xrespect their good judgement.
X%%
XWe must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass
Xno matter how self-seeking.
X -- F. G. Withington
X%%
XWe ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago
Xpeople did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult.
XFor example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had
Xto drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare
Xfist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with
Xprimitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how
Xugly paneling is to begin with.
X -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
X%%
XWe really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
Xfriends are trying to kill us.
X%%
X We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
XBut there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
XHaggard song at a French restaurant. ...
X I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
Xher milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I
Xhad punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone
Xtold him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was
Xlean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he
Xfought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
Xwhat men must do. ...
X "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible
Xsadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew
Xnot how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
Xquiet and peace I will never forget.
X "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
Xtollway belle's for thee."
X The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
Xa lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
Xpoured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
X -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
X Competition
X%%
XWe will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
Xtechnical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
X%%
Xwe will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
Xwe will cry over things we used to laugh &
Xour new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
Xcreatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
Xin the end a summer with wild winds &
Xnew friends will be.
X%%
XWe wish you a Hare Krishna
XWe wish you a Hare Krishna
XWe wish you a Hare Krishna
XAnd a Sun Myung Moon!
X -- Maxwell Smart
X%%
X"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
X%%
XWe're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
Xthe fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
Xyou to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
Xin his bowl full of jelly.
X -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
X%%
XWe're only in it for the volume.
X -- Black Sabbath
X%%
XWe've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
Xof the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
Xbut for some reason nobody's ever done it.
X -- Andy Rooney
X%%
XWeiler's Law:
X Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
X himself.
X%%
XWeinberg's First Law:
X Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
X%%
END_OF_scene.ak
echo shar: 25 control characters may be missing from \"scene.ak\"
if test 46629 -ne `wc -c <scene.ak`; then
echo shar: \"scene.ak\" unpacked with wrong size!
fi
# end of overwriting check
fi
echo shar: End of archive 15 \(of 16\).
cp /dev/null ark15isdone
MISSING=""
for I in 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 ; do
if test ! -f ark${I}isdone ; then
MISSING="${MISSING} ${I}"
fi
done
if test "${MISSING}" = "" ; then
echo You have unpacked all 16 archives.
rm -f ark[1-9]isdone ark[1-9][0-9]isdone
else
echo You still need to unpack the following archives:
echo " " ${MISSING}
fi
## End of shell archive.
exit 0