games-request@tekred.UUCP (06/03/87)
Submitted by: arnold@apollo.UUCP
Comp.sources.games: Volume 1, Issue 42
Archive-name: fortune/Part16
#! /bin/sh
# This is a shell archive. Remove anything before this line, then unpack
# it by saving it into a file and typing "sh file". To overwrite existing
# files, type "sh file -c". You can also feed this as standard input via
# unshar, or by typing "sh <file", e.g.. If this archive is complete, you
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# Contents: scene.al
# Wrapped by billr@tekred on Thu May 21 15:14:59 1987
PATH=/bin:/usr/bin:/usr/ucb ; export PATH
if test -f scene.al -a "${1}" != "-c" ; then
echo shar: Will not over-write existing file \"scene.al\"
else
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sed "s/^X//" >scene.al <<'END_OF_scene.al'
XWeinberg's Principle:
X An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
X sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
X%%
XWeinberg's Second Law:
X If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
X then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
X civilization.
X%%
XWeiner's Law of Libraries:
X There are no answers, only cross references.
X%%
XWelcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if
Xyou run out of food.
X -- Dean McLaughlin.
X%%
XWell, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
Xlot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
Xgovernor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
Xreason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top
Xcontenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men
Xwill spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the
Xmost degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and
Xappearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday
Xmorning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit
Xinterested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a
Xguest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through
Xthe entire show without answering a single question ...
X -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
X%%
XWell, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
Xback to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
Xor strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
Xthey couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
X -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
X%%
X"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can*
Xyou believe?!"
X -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward]
X%%
XWell, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail,
X And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail;
XI've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues,
X I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
X
XIf you think that it's nice that you get what you C,
X Then go : illogical statement with your whole family,
X'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views.
X I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
X
XOn a PDP-11, life should be a breeze,
X But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze.
XNow you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
X I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
X -- Core Dumped Blues
X%%
X"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?"
X
X"Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ...
Xcoefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
X -- Dr. Who
X%%
XWestheimer's Discovery:
X A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
X couple of hours in the library.
X%%
XWethern's Law:
X Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
X%%
X"What are we going to do?"
X
X"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for
Xsomething that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a
Xshort initiation period."
X%%
X"What are you doing?"
X
X"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something
Xthat's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short
Xinitiation period."
X%%
XWhat color is a chameleon on a mirror?
X%%
X "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
Xteenager asked her mother.
X "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
X%%
XWhat does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
X%%
XWhat does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
X%%
XWhat garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
X%%
XWhat garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
X%%
XWhat good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the
Xentrance?
X%%
XWhat good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow
Xin his footsteps?
X%%
XWhat I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower
Xstall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed
Xbarefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character
Xfrom "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of
Xwhile he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our
Xdog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up
Xpowerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the
Xbathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any
Xone of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact
Xlenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where
Xyou have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah",
Xif you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with
Xthat uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it;
Xthey either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to
Xflush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them.
X -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
X%%
XWhat I tell you three times is true.
X%%
X"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty-
Xsounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up
Xwith a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always
Xcame up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at
Xparties.
X -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
X%%
XWhat I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
X%%
XWhat if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
Xdefinitely overpaid for my carpet.
X -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
X%%
XWhat if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's
Xworse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
X -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
X%%
XWhat is a magician but a practising theorist?
X -- Obi-Wan Kenobi
X%%
XWhat is mind? No matter.
XWhat is matter? Never mind.
X -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
X%%
XWhat is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern
Xcomputer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest
Xand the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
X%%
X"What is the Nature of God?"
X
X CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=
X 1 QT. SOUR CREAM
X 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT
X 1/2 CUT CHIVES.
X STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS.
X
X"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."
X -- Bloom County
X%%
X"What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?"
X -- Bertold Brecht
X%%
XWhat is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
X%%
XWhat makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
Xto compare it with.
X%%
XWhat publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism.
XIt's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books
Xand magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes
Xand, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes,
Xwomen were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate
Xmistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige
Xand power by dint of individual rather than collective effort."
X -- Susan Gordon
X%%
XWhat sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
X -- Ursula K. LeGuin
X%%
XWhat the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
X%%
XWhat the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
X%%
XWhat the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
X%%
XWhat this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent
Xbagel.
X%%
XWhat this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
X%%
XWhat this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
X%%
XWhat this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
X%%
XWhat this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
X%%
XWhat this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.
X%%
XWhat use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
X -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn"
X%%
XWhat we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which
Xnobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday
XMorning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space-
Xlaunch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just
Xremains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual
Xprocess of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still
Xbe only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
X -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
X%%
XWhat you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
X%%
X"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
X -- Steven Wright
X%%
X "What's that thing?"
X "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
Xcomputer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
Xit does. We call it a two-by-four."
X -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
X%%
X"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
X -- The Doctor
X%%
XWhatever became of eternal truth?
X%%
XWhatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
Xcocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils
Xas far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding
Xhundred dollar bills."
X -- Herb Caen
X%%
XWhatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not
Xnailed down.
X -- Collis P. Huntingdon
X%%
X"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not
Xcockroaches!"
X -- Mom
X%%
XWhen a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
Xmoney is.
X -- Robespierre
X%%
XWhen a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the
Xthing," it's the money.
X -- Kim Hubbard
X%%
XWhen a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half
Xloop?
X%%
XWhen a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is
Xnot far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space
Xtravel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.
X -- Robert Heinlein
X%%
XWhen a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the
Xsport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain
Xrelationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.
X -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle
X Maintenance"
X%%
XWhen all other means of communication fail, try words.
X%%
X"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo
Xtactics *with* Gestapo tactics?"
X -- Reuben Flagg
X%%
XWhen asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before
Xthe white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."
X -- Vine Deloria, Jr.
X%%
XWhen does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I
Xthink it was a Tuesday.
X%%
XWhen God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
Xguarantee them.
X%%
X"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
Xparking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if
XI'm leaving."
X -- Steven Wright
X%%
XWhen I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
Xyear. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire
Xwinter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.
X -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
X%%
XWhen I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
Xladies, and, of course, the goat.
X%%
XWhen I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now
XI'm beginning to believe it.
X -- Clarence Darrow
X%%
XWhen I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you
Xtake me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come
Xand get you."
X -- Jerry Lewis
X%%
X"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any
Xfirearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'"
X -- Steven Wright
X%%
XWhen I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
Xthe soul of the boy sitting next to me.
X -- Woody Allen
X%%
XWhen I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an
Xact of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A
Xgroup of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a
Xsix-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things
Xtogether which not one of you would think of doing alone." ...
XWherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective
Xresponsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military
Xestablishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have
Xbeen expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things
Xtogether which nobody in his right mind would do alone.
X -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope"
X%%
XWhen I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened
Xor not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I
Xcannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to
Xgo to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XWhen in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
X%%
X"When in doubt, tell the truth."
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XWhen in doubt, use brute force.
X -- Ken Thompson
X%%
XWhen in panic, fear and doubt,
XDrink in barrels, eat, and shout.
X%%
XWhen love is gone, there's always justice.
XAnd when justice is gone, there's always force.
XAnd when force is gone, there's always Mom.
XHi, Mom!
X -- Laurie Anderson
X%%
XWhen Marriage is Outlawed,
XOnly Outlaws will have Inlaws.
X%%
XWhen more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment
Xresults.
X -- Calvin Coolidge
X%%
XWhen one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony
Xconcerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years --
Xand I find I mind it less and less."
X -- Louise Andrews Kent
X%%
XWhen properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity:
Xfor every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when
Xyour boss is away and you get twice as much done.
X -- Daniel B. Luten
X%%
XWhen someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
Xsay what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
X%%
X"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical"
X -- Jon Carroll
X%%
XWhen the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you
Xmodify the problem, not the remedy.
X%%
XWhen the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies,
Xthe men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a
Xnose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that.
X -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
X%%
XWhen the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is
Xmetaphysics.
X -- Voltaire
X%%
XWhen the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
Xstars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
Xfrom left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
Xwere set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
Xcorners as bodies of a lower grade ...
X -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
X%%
XWhen the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the
Xplane will fly.
X -- Donald Douglas
X%%
XWhen two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
Xinsane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
Xrequired to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
Xexhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
X -- George Bernard Shaw
X%%
XWhen we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is
Xnot hereditary.
X -- Thomas Paine
X%%
XWhen we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before --
Xexcept our fingertips will have been singed.
X -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
X%%
XWhen you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of
Xinvestigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand,
Xso that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or
Xswayed, directly to the goal.
X -- Amrom Katz
X%%
X"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
X%%
XWhen you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
X%%
X When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
Xclarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer
Xto a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively.
X In a way, the next move is up to him.
X -- R. A. Lafferty
X%%
X"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
X -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war
X%%
XWhen you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
Xasking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
Xknow the answer either.
X -- Edgar R. Fiedler
X%%
XWhen you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
X -- The Wall Street Journal
X%%
XWhen you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the
Ximpression you will make.
X%%
XWhen you're away, I'm restless, lonely,
XWretched, bored, dejected; only
XHere's the rub, my darling dear
XI feel the same when you are near.
X -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away"
X%%
XWhen you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.
X%%
XWhenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really".
X -- Dave Parnas
X%%
XWhenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to
Xsee it tried on him personally.
X -- A. Lincoln
X%%
XWhenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
X --Oscar Wilde
X%%
XWhenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
Xyou are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
XAtlantic with his verb in his mouth.
X -- Mark Twain
X "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
X%%
XWhenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
Xto reform.
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XWHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
X
X Oh, dear, where can the matter be
X When it's converted to energy?
X There is a slight loss of parity.
X Johnny's so long at the fair.
X%%
XWhere humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
Xis good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
X -- John Kenneth Galbraith
X%%
XWhere there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
X%%
XWhether you can hear it or not
XThe Universe is laughing behind your back
X -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
X%%
XWhile anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is
Xadmission to someone else.
X%%
XWhile Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things,
XThe fate of empires and the fall of kings;
XWhile quacks of State must each produce his plan,
XAnd even children lisp the Rights of Man;
XAmid this mighty fuss just let me mention,
XThe Rights of Woman merit some attention.
X -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman",
X November 26, 1792
X%%
XWhile having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
X%%
XWhile it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't
Xkeep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.
X -- Edward Stevenson
X%%
XWhile money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own
Xform of misery.
X%%
XWhile money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining
Xposition.
X%%
XWhile most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their
Xcorrectness never does.
X%%
XWhile you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very
Xreassuring to know that it's still there.
X%%
XWhile your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
Xsafe, for you can watch both of his.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XWhistler's Law:
X You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
X charge.
X%%
X"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
XTriple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
X%%
XWho made the world I cannot tell;
X'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
XMy hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
XI never soiled with such a deed.
X -- A. E. Housman
X%%
XWho messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
X%%
XWho needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
X%%
XWho's on first?
X%%
X"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
X -- George Ade
X%%
XWhom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
X%%
XWhom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
X%%
X"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could
Xhave told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
X -- Ian Shoales
X%%
X"Why be a man when you can be a success?"
X -- Bertold Brecht
X%%
XWhy bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we
Xhave?
X%%
XWhy can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
X%%
XWhy did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
Xavoid responsibility with?
X%%
XWhy did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office
Xautomation?
X%%
XWhy do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.
X%%
XWhy does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently
Xthere must be a beverage.
X -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
X%%
XWhy don't elephants eat penguins ?
X
XBecause they can't get the wrappers off ...
X%%
XWhy I Can't Go Out With You:
X
XI'd LOVE to, but ...
X -- I have to floss my cat.
X -- I've dedicated my life to linguini.
X -- I need to spend more time with my blender.
X -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
X -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
X -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
X -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
X -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
X -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
X -- I have some really hard words to look up.
X -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting.
X -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
X%%
X"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is
Xbecause we are not the person involved"
X -- Mark Twain
X%%
XWhy is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
X%%
X"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
X -- Lily Tomlin
X%%
X"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love
Xyou knowing nothing?"
X -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
X%%
XWhy not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year?
XJust picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your
Xchildren open their old-fashioned presents.
X
XYour 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?"
X
XYou: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it
X falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!"
X
XSon: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer
X with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory,
X and I get this cretin TOP?"
X
XYour 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this."
X
XYou: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!"
X
XDaughter: "It looks like goat barf."
X -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
X%%
X"Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
X -- Oscar Wilde
X%%
XWhy You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
X No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
Xwhen it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
Xdirection, and almost none will be returned to the source.
X -- John L. Shelton
X%%
XWiker's Law:
X Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
X%%
X William Safire's Rules for Writers:
X
XRemember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
Xbe used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to
Xagree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
Xout. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
Xof repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
Xnot shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
Xconjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
Xsentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
Xclose as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
Xwords, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
Xmust be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
Xlinking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
Xmetaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
Xbe careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
Xwriting. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
Xthe verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
Xviable alternatives.
X%%
XWilliams and Holland's Law:
X If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
X statistical methods.
X%%
XWinter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as
Xit was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
X%%
XWit, n.:
X The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery
X ... by leaving it out.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XWith a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I
Xtry to be a fraud and a half.
X -- Otto von Bismark
X%%
XWith a rubber duck, one's never alone.
X -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
X%%
XWith all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once
Xbuild a nuclear balm?
X%%
XWith every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
Xmiles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and
Xstill there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no
Xsuch thing as progress.
X -- Ransom K. Ferm
X%%
XWithout ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
X%%
XWombat's Laws of Computer Selection:
X (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it.
X (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete.
X (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2)
X (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a
X VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator.
X (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless.
X -- Rich Kulawiec
X%%
XWood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If
Xyou cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut
Xdown the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that
Xtree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with
Xlong, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit
Xthere in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you
Xcome back.
X
XWood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago,
Xwhen a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot.
XSuddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the
Xcavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood
Xheat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately
Xbeat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made,
Xand from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed,
Xalthough their insurance rates went way up.
X -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
X%%
XWork Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation):
X We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage
Xany thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you
Xshould not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are,
Xand to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we
Xbargained for.
X%%
XWorkers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your
Xchairs.
X%%
XWorld War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced
Xdress code!
X%%
XWorst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing:
X August. The lines are the shortest, though.
X -- Steve Rubenstein
X%%
XWorst Month of the Year:
X February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if
X you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you
X don't get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
X -- Steve Rubenstein
X%%
XWorst Response To A Crisis, 1985:
X From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved
X in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from
X exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"
X%%
XWorst Vegetable of the Year:
X The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next
X year.
X -- Steve Rubenstein
X%%
X"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
X
X"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat
X -- Lewis Carrol
X%%
X"Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
Xand And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer
Xif quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and
Xand, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and
Xand, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?"
X%%
XWrite-Protect Tab, n.:
X A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly
X left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an
X error message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far
X outweighs the momentary inconvenience.
X -- Robb Russon
X%%
X"Wrong," said Renner.
X
X"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
Xthe Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
X%%
XX-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
Ximagination is the plot.
X%%
XXerox does it again and again and again and ...
X%%
XXerox never comes up with anything original.
X%%
XXIIdigitation, n.:
X The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made
X by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
X"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
Xgoaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
Xtheir endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
Xunwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my
Xdoing things their way; most of the time, they have been right.
X -- S. C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements"
X%%
XYea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall
Xfear no evil, for I can string 6 primitive monadic and dyadic operators
Xtogether.
X -- Steve Higgins
X%%
X"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
X%%
XYear, n.:
X A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
X -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
X%%
XYes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
X%%
XYes, but which self do you want to be?
X%%
XYesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still
Xbe a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
X -- Snoopy
X%%
XYesterday upon the stair
XI met a man who wasn't there.
XHe wasn't there again today --
XI think he's from the CIA.
X%%
XYield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.
X -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
X%%
XYinkel, n.:
X A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one
X will notice.
X -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
X%%
XYou are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
X%%
XYou are here:
X ***
X ***
X *********
X *******
X *****
X ***
X *
X
X But you're not all there.
X%%
X"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
X "All your papers these days look the same;
XThose William's would be better unread --
X Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
X
X"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
X "I wrote wonderful papers galore;
XBut the great reputation I found that I'd won,
X Made it pointless to think any more."
X%%
X"You are old, father William," the young man said,
X "And your hair has become very white;
XAnd yet you incessantly stand on your head --
X Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
X
X"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
X "I feared it might injure the brain;
XBut, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
X Why, I do it again and again."
X -- Lewis Carrol
X%%
X"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
X That your lectures bore people to death.
XYet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
X Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
X
X"I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
X Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
XDo you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
X Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
X%%
X"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
X For anything tougher than suet;
XYet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
X Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
X
X"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
X And argued each case with my wife;
XAnd the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
X Has lasted the rest of my life."
X -- Lewis Carrol
X%%
X"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
X And there isn't one language you like;
XYet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
X Have you thought about taking a hike?"
X
X"Since I never write programs," his father replied,
X "Every language looks equally bad;
XYet the people keep paying to read all my books
X And don't realize that they've been had."
X%%
X"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
X And have grown most uncommonly fat;
XYet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
X Pray what is the reason of that?"
X
X"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
X "I kept all my limbs very supple
XBy the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
X Allow me to sell you a couple?"
X -- Lewis Carrol
X%%
X"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
X And make errors few people could bear;
XYou complain about everyone's English but yours --
X Do you really think this is quite fair?"
X
X"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
X "But my stature these days is so great
XThat no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
X And to stop me it's now far too late."
X%%
X"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
X That your eye was as steady as ever;
XYet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
X What made you so awfully clever?"
X
X"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
X Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
XDo you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
X Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
X -- Lewis Carrol
X%%
XYou are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
X%%
XYou are the only person to ever get this message.
X%%
XYou are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
Xthis sort of trash.
X%%
XYou buttered your bread, now lie in it.
X%%
XYou can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting
Xincredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail.
XFruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable
Xto find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because
Xnobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes
Xthey receive and send them back to the original givers the next year;
Xsome fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years.
X
XThe easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then
Xpound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
Xsafety glasses.
X -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
X%%
XYou can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior
Xexecutive.
X%%
XYou can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you
Xcan with just a kind word.
X -- Bumper Sticker
X%%
XYou can learn many things from children. How much patience you have,
Xfor instance.
X -- Franklin P. Jones
X%%
XYou can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
X%%
XYou can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
Xthe continuing viability of FORTRAN.
X -- Alan Perlis
X%%
XYou can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
X%%
XYou can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding
Xdecisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left
Xover for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.
X -- F. Allen
X%%
XYou can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of
Xsupercomputers.
X -- Steven Feiner
X%%
XYou can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
X%%
XYou can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
X%%
X"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
X -- Steven Wright
X%%
XYou can't hold a man down without staying down with him.
X -- Booker T. Washington
X%%
XYou can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
X%%
X"You can't make a program without broken egos."
X%%
XYou can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic
Xenough worrying about what's happening now.
X -- Lauren Bacall
X%%
X"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."
X -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and
X Over and Over"
X%%
X"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they
Xdon't."
X -- Dagwood Bumstead
X%%
XYou cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
X%%
XYou cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
X%%
XYou cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
X%%
XYou could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
Xand last month in advance.
X%%
XYou couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable
Xdoubt.
X -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
X%%
XYou don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
X -- J. D. Salinger
X%%
XYou don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting
Xneedles.
X -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
X%%
XYou first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form.
XThe short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified",
Xwhich means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears
Xtax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last
Xnames. Here's the complete text:
X
X "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT)
X "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT)
X "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to
X send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF
X THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME)
X household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way
X you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST
X NAME), that it pays to file the short form!"
X
XThe IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your
Xmoney. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long
Xform.
X -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
X%%
XYou have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More--
X
XThis is an IBM Manual scroll.--More--
X
XYou are permanently confused.
X -- Dave Decot
X%%
XYou have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to
Xmetal objects which are not fastened down.
X%%
XYou have junk mail.
X%%
XYou have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets
Xwrinkled.
X%%
XYou have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
Xtoday.
X%%
XYou know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
Xyou wore home from the party and there aren't any.
X%%
XYou know the great thing about TV? If something important happens
Xanywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night,
Xyou can always change the channel.
X -- Jim Ignatowski
X%%
XYou know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.
X -- S. Rickly Christian
X%%
XYou know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.
X -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
X%%
XYou know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your
Xfriend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
X%%
XYou know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
X%%
X "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
Xairlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
Xdeep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
Xwhen I was young!"
X "Why, what did she tell you?"
X "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
X -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
X%%
XYou look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
X%%
XYou may be recognized soon. Hide.
X%%
XYou may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he
Xis preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.
X -- Sydney Harris
X%%
XYou may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with
Xhim.
X -- Ed Howe
X%%
XYou may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
X -- Alfred Kahn
X%%
XYou men out there probably think you already know how to dress for
Xsuccess. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits
Xor white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume
Xparty disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
X -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"
X%%
XYou might have mail
X%%
X"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
Xproof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
X%%
XYou need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll
Xbe dead.
X%%
XYou need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a
Xreputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating
Xthe very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for
Xindependence.
X -- Charles A. Beard
X%%
XYou never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the
Xbeach.
X%%
XYou or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were
Xyou. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare
Xyours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the
Xcompany.
X -- J. Wellington Wells
X%%
XYou possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
X%%
XYou probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could
Xknow how seldom they do.
X -- Olin Miller.
X%%
XYou should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
Xif they are dead.
X%%
XYou should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
Xabout 10^12 to 1.
X -- Ernest Rutherford
X%%
XYou should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
Xfreedom and liberty.
X -- Henrick Ibson
X%%
XYou should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that,
Xcontrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from
Xhouses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many
Xscientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the
Xsummer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day,
Xyou'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist
Xsitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily.
X -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
X%%
XYou should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name,
Xanother $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and
Xanother $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms
Xsuch as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In
Xmany restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money.
XIf you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you
Xshould leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate
Xfor the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it
Xbecause the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially
Xchewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit.
X
XIn New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his
Xhemorrhoids.
X -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
X%%
X"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
Xplowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture"
X -- Business Professor, University of Georgia
X%%
XYou think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
X%%
X YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF
X PAPER SHUFFLING!
X
XMr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
Xa lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel
Xreally important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
X
XMr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
Xto was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and
Xmake really big Zorkmids."
X
XMIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
Xyou earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
X
X SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
X%%
XYou too can wear a nose mitten.
X%%
XYou will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
X%%
XYou will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of
Xa lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
X%%
XYou will be surprised by a loud noise.
X%%
XYou will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
X%%
XYou will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
Xmayonnaise salesman.
X%%
XYou will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
X%%
XYou worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to
Xworry.
X%%
XYou'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a
Xtaxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a
Xminute and a huff.
X -- Groucho Marx
X%%
X"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
X%%
XYou're at the end of the road again.
X%%
XYou're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
X%%
XYou're never too old to become younger.
X -- Mae West
X%%
XYou're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
X -- Dean Martin
X%%
XYou're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
X%%
XYou've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
X%%
X"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks."
X -- Gary Giddens
X%%
XYour analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
Xthing he tells you.
X%%
XYour conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
Xfrom enjoying it.
X%%
XYour fault: core dumped
X%%
X Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
Xbring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
Xchance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home
Xelectrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
Xbreaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
Xuntil it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
Xdamage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
Xyour fuses regularly.
X Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This
Xsometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
Xoften it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
Xyou'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not
Xsure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
Xfine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed
Xelectrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
Xsuch as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
Xtable, etc.
X -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
X%%
XYour life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
X%%
XYour lucky color has faded.
X%%
XYour lucky number has been disconnected.
X%%
XYour lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
X%%
XYour true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
X%%
X"Yow! Am I having fun yet?"
X -- Zippy the Pinhead
X%%
XYOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!"
X%%
XZero Defects, n.:
X The result of shutting down a production line.
X%%
XZounds! I was never so bethumped with words
Xsince I first called my brother's father dad.
X -- William Shakespeare, "King John"
X%%
XZymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
X People are always available for work in the past tense.
END_OF_scene.al
echo shar: 7 control characters may be missing from \"scene.al\"
if test 46046 -ne `wc -c <scene.al`; then
echo shar: \"scene.al\" unpacked with wrong size!
fi
# end of overwriting check
fi
echo shar: End of archive 16 \(of 16\).
cp /dev/null ark16isdone
MISSING=""
for I in 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 ; do
if test ! -f ark${I}isdone ; then
MISSING="${MISSING} ${I}"
fi
done
if test "${MISSING}" = "" ; then
echo You have unpacked all 16 archives.
rm -f ark[1-9]isdone ark[1-9][0-9]isdone
else
echo You still need to unpack the following archives:
echo " " ${MISSING}
fi
## End of shell archive.
exit 0