jack@cca.UUCP (Jack Orenstein) (01/16/86)
I believe this is the first posting relevant to net.singles and net.jobs. It started out as a comment on the headhunter discussion in net.jobs and took off in another direction - being "fixed up". I haven't seen any discussion of this in net.singles. Let's avoid offending certain people who get upset by mis-categorized postings: if you're going to talk only about headhunters, post to net.jobs. If you're going to talk only about being "fixed up", post to net.singles. There - I've done my duty. Here goes. When I was looking for my current job I used the services of about three headhunters. I contacted them directly; I was also contacted by other headhunters - I believe that they trade resumes. On the whole, I was very pleased with their work. They found some excellent companies that I wouldn't have thought of. For the most part, they listened to me and did not suggest companies that did not meet my requirements. There were only a couple of turkeys among the phone calls or interviews they set up. I don't envy the job of these recruiters. They seem to have very high-stress jobs. They have no control over what happens after they match up a job-hunter and a company. They can only sit and wait and hope for the best and eat antacid. Some people have an aversion to headhunters. I think it's the "Jewish Mother Syndrome". My mother (yes, she's Jewish) would love to find me a "nice Jewish girl". She would love to get all my friends "fixed up" too. We all resist these attempts. There are various reasons given: "I can find someone on my own", "what's wrong with her if she has to have her mother fix her up", (there's a women's version of this one of course), "what's wrong with ME if my mother has to fix me up", "I just don't like blind dates", etc. I think that all of these are applicable to the headhunter situation. Okay, so I'm inconsistent. All of these reasons have entered my mind at one time or another when someone was trying to do me a favor. Yet I gladly used the services of these headhunters, reasoning as follows: It couldn't hurt; at most I spend one day with these people and then say goodbye. Of course, when someone tries to set me up with someone and I refuse, this same counter-argument is thrown right in my face. Enough analysis. What finally happened was that I took a job at a place I contacted on my own. My mother says she's given up trying but her sister has started working on me. The questions are: what are the differences between these two situations? Why might someone be willing to be fixed up for a job but not for a date (or vice versa)? How do you handle a relative who tries to fix you up? (I may post my own strategy at some time - it requires a relative with a sense of humor.) My experience is that my mother and aunts get into this sort of stuff. My father doesn't and my uncles don't. (Although Uncle Ben DID say, "go ahead, call her up, make your aunt happy".) Have other people noticed this? Any explanations? Jack Orenstein This is not a disclaimer.
kort@hounx.UUCP (B.KORT) (01/17/86)
Jack Orenstein poses an interesting dilemma regarding relatives trying to "fix him up" with jobs and dates. On the one hand, such relatives are well-meaning. They are worried that you'll go jobless or dateless without their assistance. They want to play a useful role, and share their knowledge of available opportunities. Problem is, if their guidance isn't taken, they feel unhappy about. There is a trap here. In providing unsolicited guidance, they create an expectation that you will take their counsel. If you fail to meet that expectation, they feel hurt (disappointed, frustrated, angry, whatever). The other side of the coin, Jack, is that you have free will. You would like to have your brain run your body rather than Mom's brain or the Aunt's brain. When you reluctantly follow their lead, you are abdicating control of your life to another agent. Bad vibes. Who wants to be a robot, programmed by someone else? Psychologists have a name for the process whereby another person creates an expectation of you, and your failure to meet that expectation causes their unhappiness. It's called manipulation. Your Aunt owns her feelings. She creates them as a result of her expectations vis-a-vis reality. Since your Mother is Jewish, she understands the idea of Mitzvot, doing good deeds. The key idea is that the individual *chooses* (of his own free will) to do good deeds. When someone *tells* you what to do, they rob you of an opportunity to do a Mitzvah. The very same act on your part, which would have made you feel good had you chosen to do it, now makes you feel bad because you are doing someone else's bidding, which creates a superior- subordinate relationship. Bad Karma. (Incidentally "karma" and "mitzvah" mean the same thing--deeds.) I say to my (Jewish) Mother: I'll make you a deal: My brain runs my body and your brain runs your body. Please don't rob me of my free will. In return for your pledge to allow me to have free will, I promise to use it constructively, to help myself and others, and to avoid hurting anyone or anything. Deal? (How can she refuse?) -- Barry Kort ...ihnp4!houxm!hounx!kort A door opens. You are entering another dementia. The dementia of the mind.
joseph@orstcs.UUCP (joseph) (01/20/86)
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The above is entirely too long of a message to be both posted in net.jobs,
and have nothing to do with jobs. Please spare us job-hunters from reading
about your methods for dealing with an over-bearing family.
Joseph Albert
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- meier@srcsip.UUCP (Christopher Meier) (01/22/86)
If anyone else cares (bothers) to respond to this subject,
please send it to net.singles *only*. Do not include net.jobs.
Thank you.
--
US-SNAIL: Usenet:{philabs,ihnp4!umn-cs}!srcsip!meier
Christopher Meier MN17-2357 Honeywell, Inc. Systems & Research Center
2600 Ridgeway Pky. Artificial Intelligence Technology
Mpls, MN 55413 Signal & Image Processingrh@mit-eddie.UUCP (Randy Haskins) (01/23/86)
I can sort of understand people being about seeing headhunters post to net-news. Back before I felt the need to enter the real world, I was very anti-profit. When I went to a headhunter, I had some reservations. But I must say, I could not have been happier with the job my headhunter did for me. I can't imagine myself having found a better company to work for than the one I am with, and they seem to be pretty pleased with me, too. Not only that, the amount of effort I had to expend was minimal. When it's time to change jobs, I'm going back to my headhunter. I look at it this way: I specialize in writing software, and my headhunter specializes in finding jobs. We each do our respective things >40 hours a week. Why shouldn't I let her do what she's good at? Random
linda@amdcad.UUCP (Linda Seltzer) (01/25/86)
> Since your Mother is Jewish, she understands the idea of Mitzvot, > doing good deeds. The key idea is that the individual *chooses* > (of his own free will) to do good deeds. When someone *tells* > you what to do, they rob you of an opportunity to do a Mitzvah. > The very same act on your part, which would have made you feel > good had you chosen to do it, now makes you feel bad because > you are doing someone else's bidding, which creates a superior- > subordinate relationship. Bad Karma. (Incidentally "karma" and > "mitzvah" mean the same thing--deeds.) > > I say to my (Jewish) Mother: I'll make you a deal: My brain runs > my body and your brain runs your body. Please don't rob me of my > free will. In return for your pledge to allow me to have free will, > I promise to use it constructively, to help myself and others, and > to avoid hurting anyone or anything. Deal? (How can she refuse?) > I think that this is a negative racial steotype against Jewish women and their approach to motherhood. I don't see that Jewish mothers are any more manipulative than mothers of any other race or national background. It has been very common for stage comedians to put down Jewish women, and to create a negative racial stereotype. However, as a Jewish woman, I know some Jewish women who have children and who are very fine, dedicated mothers raising very fine children.
aaz@pucc-j (Marc Mengel) (01/27/86)
I think you hit on the important distinction here -- similar to the
Tom Sawer/Whitewashing principle. If you go to the headhunter or
dating service to help you find someone you are interested in, thats
fine... but if someone else, completely unasked for, decides that you
need help in the area of finding someone, this is taken as an insult.