spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford) (12/01/84)
Well, if we have a net.personals, let's get it off to a proper start:
SLIM WHITE MALE, aged 35, seeks attractive white female, 27. Must have
tattoo (dogs, butterflies okay; no rainbows, gnomes or battle scenes).
Must own late-model foreign car with radial tires (and snows). Should
be well tanned, blue eyed, blond (sunny yellow, not platinum or
dishwater) and have own luggage. Must be T'ai Chi expert and familiar
with multiple body-rub techniques. Must have own chili recipe (no
celery). Must bathe, not shower. Must have working command of Latin
(hear it, speak it, order and hail cabs in it). Should have own
collection of Johnny Tillotson records. Command of knots is vital.
Must adore the color red. Must be willing to submit to oral-pedal
penetration. Must have firm, long, well-lacquered nails. Must enjoy
buttock derision and rum puppies. Must be into body paint by numbers.
Should have high-pitched squeals and throaty grunts. Must be expert
with Chinese brim pluckers. Must know available hedopropylist for
group knee bends. Must be well versed in pasta fixations. Must have
own flesh-pulley equipment and collection of travelogues, intermission
reels and wrestling magazines (circa 1950-54, good to mint condition,
bagged for clean and easy storage). Must possess own lifelike false
face and iron-on refrigerator decals. Must be familiar with various
fun party games, such as Supermarket Peekaboo, and Who's Got the Guppy
Wrench? Must be heavily into nostalgia. Must collect ice-cream scoops
and beer-can molds. Must have variegated nipples (1" to 1-1/4"
horizontal only...minor variance of up to 1/16" okay). Must have own
seltzer bed and tugbowl equipment. Should have bright disposition and
long fuse. Must have own set of tonga plugs (his, hers, like new, or
forget it). Must be able to decipher the following: FHDSS YR F
MDXSZHDVN HD FKKKKLAVM, JFFE TI! DNQQD HDL CLSKDIAZZIRT? Clue: Y = Y.
Must be patient, discreet and charming. Must have semi-pro porno
background and yet be technically a virgin (please, no
bicycle-seat/picket-fence tales). Must have northern European
background, with papers to prove it. Should know and be capable of
tutoring others in the traditional cross-country donkey paddle. Must
have own collection of porcelain barnyard animals. Should enjoy
cinnamon suppository treatment and wearing Victorian corsets. Must
know Japanese secret of Jell-O inflation. Can be pensive but not
moody. Must dig roller opera. Must possess lots (I mean it) of
ketchup. Should enjoy keeping copious notes. Must be able to compose
own satirical Gregorian chants. Must like pizza, beer and
country-and-western music (own jukebox would be nice, but not
necessary). Should be acquainted with the many uses of cable grips and
lockstraws. Can't be shocked by my drag habits and trans-species
getups. Must chain-smoke and be gifted with accompanying hoarse cough
(bellowing, rippling and liquid...I love it). Multiple credit cards a
necessity. Must not have job. Should be well versed in Benji bells
and seed puckers, and be willing to share the dual joys of my
baked-bean-bag chair. Must blush on command, and have a dreamy kind of
toilet wit about herself. Must realize "A shaved private part is the
way to my heart!" Should know what a Toe Bunny is and be willing to eat
one if necessary. Must stay for the night. Must be willing to submit
to oriental weight training and cigar bends. Should be blessed with a
housewife's sense of the carnally absurd. Own lubrication devices a
must. College degree okay. Must prefer the spelling t-e-a-t-s to the
vulgarized American version. Should exercise a modicum of discretion
when performing oral sex in crowded restaurants. Must be willing to
tutor me in bathtub bowling and capricious restroom behavior. Should
be lithe enough to perform prolonged monolingus. Must have pleasant
(not too professional) smile.
No weirdos, KM freaks, sock bandits, Germans, riot types, caviar mechanics,
funnel gunners, bartenders, whale shapes, fannie floats, screamers, scotch
mongers, scarfaces, nose bleeders, nurses, sharecroppers, sickies, limb
lickers, bug lovers, bondage burgers, real-estate types, strictly orals, B&T,
S&K, hairy foxes, lesbians, leather cupcakes, oil merchants, fattos, baldies,
tailor mades (maids), nukes, masc/dom, biwingers, prominent noses, loop
lovers, fifty-inch wonders. Polaroidos, Midwesterners, swap jockies,
transsexuals, vacationers, short termers, ex-cons, civil servants, waddle
butts, shame mongers, home wreckers, scoot bunnies, pros, roll tops,
submissos, wick burners, schoolmarms, nonconfidentials, no-tastes,
cellulites, piano ribs, perverts, ale suckers, rowdies, rag bait,
cross-eyeds, six footers, celebrities, colony canaries, clay bods,
left-handers, snide types, vinyl pants, moonies, retailers, crazies, lounge
lizards, high-heelers, discos, porkballs, roadhogs, sveltos, PWTs, portlies,
irreverents, punks, seedlings, and wacko-fetish types need apply.
Still searching,
--Spaf
=============================================
(Thanks to John Caldwell and his marvelous book, "The Book of
Ultimates" published by McGraw-Hill, 1983. ISBN 0-07-009608-2.
Copyright by John Caldwell. Consider this quote a very positive
review.)
--
Gene "8 months and counting" Spafford
The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332
CSNet: Spaf @ GATech ARPA: Spaf%GATech.CSNet @ CSNet-Relay.ARPA
uucp: ...!{akgua,allegra,hplabs,ihnp4,linus,seismo,ulysses}!gatech!spafgreg@ncr-tp.UUCP (Greg Noel) (12/04/84)
In article <11069@gatech.UUCP> spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford) writes: >Well, if we have a net.personals, let's get it off to a proper start: > > .... <<< An unbelievable list of requirements >>> .... > >(Thanks to John Caldwell and his marvelous book, "The Book of >Ultimates" published by McGraw-Hill, 1983. ISBN 0-07-009608-2. >Copyright by John Caldwell. Consider this quote a very positive >review.) How disappointing! I was about to applaud his ability to dream up so many delightful possibilities, and he has to blow it by admitting that he stole it from someone else..... (Sigh.) I may never be able to trust him again....... -- -- Greg Noel, NCR Torrey Pines Greg@ncr-tp.UUCP or Greg@nosc.ARPA
spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford) (12/06/84)
In article <107@ncr-tp.UUCP> greg@ncr-tp.UUCP (Greg Noel) writes: >How disappointing! I was about to applaud his ability to dream up so >many delightful possibilities, and he has to blow it by admitting that >he stole it from someone else..... (Sigh.) I may never be able to >trust him again....... Given time, I could have come up with something about half as bizarre and half as amusing. So instead, I quoted Caldwell and plugged a great book at the same time. Sorry about that. Next time I'll just plagerize so as to not disappoint people :-). BTW, anyone who knows me well might be rather reluctant to trust me, especially with a cream pie in my hand...or a set of tonga plugs. -- Gene "8 months and counting" Spafford The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332 CSNet: Spaf @ GATech ARPA: Spaf%GATech.CSNet @ CSNet-Relay.ARPA uucp: ...!{akgua,allegra,hplabs,ihnp4,linus,seismo,ulysses}!gatech!spaf
hawk@oliven.UUCP (Rick) (12/14/84)
>BTW, anyone who knows me well might be rather reluctant to trust me, >especially with a cream pie in my hand...or a set of tonga plugs. OK, I'll ask. What the hell is a tonga plug? rick
spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford) (12/18/84)
In article <758@oliven.UUCP> hawk@oliven.UUCP (Rick) writes: >>BTW, anyone who knows me well might be rather reluctant to trust me, >>especially with a cream pie in my hand...or a set of tonga plugs. > >OK, I'll ask. What the hell is a tonga plug? > >rick For some reason, a number of people have asked me this (usually from people in the Midwest -- it figures). Since we're all friends here, and hopefully mature, I'll be frank (or gene) and provide a brief description. If there are any young children present, please ask them not to read along with you. First off, let me note that there is no such thing as just a "tonga plug." They always come in pairs. Just like you never find a "pant," but you always find a pair of "pants." After all, it takes two to tonga. The origin of tonga plugs is shrouded in mystery. Some people claim that they were first used in ancient Atlantis, whilst others make a strong case for their creation during an a "love-in" of the 70's. The technology behind their manufacture and use was certainly not beyond Bronze Age man, although there is some question of whether they had the requisite advanced knowledge of physiology, sociology, astronomy, electrical engineering and animal husbandry required to operate them to their full, very stimulating, capacity. No matter what their origin, tonga plugs have become an indispensible addition to the games room of any adventuresome and sensitive adult, as you well know. Their only other known use is by licensed physical therapists, and their somewhat controversial use by ministers of certain fundamentalist religious groups in the mountains of Appalachia; this is much more dangerous to the inexperienced than snake handling, however, but these groups are protected under the Constitution (they argue). There may be some truth to the rumor that certain South American dictatorships use tonga plugs to whip political prisoners into a frenzy, continuing only when the hapless victims agree to sign a confession or betray their comrades. This is, of course, a blatant violation of numerous international treaties, the UN Charter, and the Geneva conventions -- not to mention a terrible affront to human dignity. Amnesty International has yet to fully document such a case, since such misuse rarely results in a survivor (at least a sane one). However, this is off the subject of your question. Tonga plugs vary in size from about 10 cm. long (major axis) on up to almost a full meter, although rumor has it that the NSA is working on a two meter set. Traditional tonga plugs may be made of steel, brass, hard plastic, or shatterproof (obviously!) glass; some back-to-nature types have had success with tonga plugs made of varnished wood or fried tofu, however. Your usual set of tongas are roughly cylindircal, usually tapered towards one end, and curved ever so slightly (too large a curve may result in them slipping from between your feet should you apply too much mayonaise). Exactly 1.72 meters of rope, cable, or chain is connected to an inset eyelet at the major end of each plug; a non-conductive connector is obviously required in the case of metal plugs. The surface of one plug is usually etched or inscribed (patterns vary widely) to distinguish it from the one used with the wombat. Colors vary, if used, with the exception that it should not be any shade matching the feathers or the jackstand -- this is considered to be "bad luck." I think that covers most of the major features. My apologies for not being able to present a sketch or picture, but not only is this medium somewhat limited in that regard, but I would not wish to run afoul of some of the rather archaic (but nasty and unrepealed) federal regulations concerning the manufacture, illustration, transportation across state lines, and conversion (to fully automatic) of tonga plugs. Lucky for us, OSHA and the EPA have decided not to challenge the federal court decision that tonga plugs are legal when used in private by consenting adults, provided that proper permits have been granted by the FCC and the ASPCA. If you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to ask. -- Gene "8 months and counting" Spafford The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332 CSNet: Spaf @ GATech ARPA: Spaf%GATech.CSNet @ CSNet-Relay.ARPA uucp: ...!{akgua,allegra,hplabs,ihnp4,linus,seismo,ulysses}!gatech!spaf
tim@cithep.UucP (Tim Smith ) (12/26/84)
[ 1. Nf3 ] >>>BTW, anyone who knows me well might be rather reluctant to trust me, >>>especially with a cream pie in my hand...or a set of tonga plugs. >> >>OK, I'll ask. What the hell is a tonga plug? >> >>rick > [ detailed explanation of what a set of tonga plugs is ] OK, but what are they used for? -- Tim Smith ihnp4!cithep!tim or ihnp4!wlbr!callan!tim
spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford) (01/02/85)
In article <65@cithep.UucP> tim@cithep.UucP (Tim Smith ) writes: >[ 1. Nf3 ] > >>>>BTW, anyone who knows me well might be rather reluctant to trust me, >>>>especially with a cream pie in my hand...or a set of tonga plugs. >>> >>>OK, I'll ask. What the hell is a tonga plug? >>> >>>rick >> [ detailed explanation of what a set of tonga plugs is ] > >OK, but what are they used for? Well, that really is a matter of personal perference and endurance. I use them for about 2 hours at a time. -- Gene "7 months and counting" Spafford The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332 CSNet: Spaf @ GATech ARPA: Spaf%GATech.CSNet @ CSNet-Relay.ARPA uucp: ...!{akgua,allegra,hplabs,ihnp4,linus,seismo,ulysses}!gatech!spaf
david@ukma.UUCP (David Herron, NPR Lover) (01/07/85)
In article <11372@gatech.UUCP> spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spaffard) writes: >In article <65@cithep.UucP> tim@cithep.UucP (Tim Smith ) writes: >>[ 1. Nf3 ] >> >>>>>BTW, anyone who knows me well might be rather reluctant to trust me, >>>>>especially with a cream pie in my hand...or a set of tonga plugs. >>>> >>>>OK, I'll ask. What the hell is a tonga plug? >>>> >>>>rick >>> [ detailed explanation of what a set of tonga plugs is ] >> >>OK, but what are they used for? > >Well, that really is a matter of personal perference and endurance. >I use them for about 2 hours at a time. >Gene "7 months and counting" Spafford OK, but what are you doing with them for two hours at a time? [And, what have you been counting for 7 months?] --:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:- David Herron; ARPA-> "ukma!david"@ANL-MCS (Try the arpa address w/ and w/o the quotes, I have had much trouble with both.) UUCP -:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:- (follow one of these routes) {ucbvax,unmvax,boulder,research} ! {anlams,anl-mcs} -----\ vvvvvvvvvvv >-!ukma!david {cbosgd!hasmed,mcvax!qtlon,vax135,mddc} ! qusavx -----/ ^^^^^^^^^^^
crm@duke.UUCP (Charlie Martin) (01/09/85)
Could SOMEONE out there please post me the [detailed explanation of tonga plugs] or whatever it is? I hate to miss something... sounds like special electrical adapters for the South Seas... -- Opinions stated here are my own and are unrelated. Charlie Martin (...mcnc!duke!crm)
spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford) (01/10/85)
In article <469@ukma.UUCP> david@ukma.UUCP (David Herron, NPR Lover) writes: >In article <11372@gatech.UUCP> spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spaffard) writes: >>In article <65@cithep.UucP> tim@cithep.UucP (Tim Smith ) writes: >>>[ 1. Nf3 ] >>> >>>>>>BTW, anyone who knows me well might be rather reluctant to trust me, >>>>>>especially with a cream pie in my hand...or a set of tonga plugs. >>>>> >>>>>OK, I'll ask. What the hell is a tonga plug? >>>>> >>>>>rick >>>> [ detailed explanation of what a set of tonga plugs is ] >>> >>>OK, but what are they used for? >> >>Well, that really is a matter of personal perference and endurance. >>I use them for about 2 hours at a time. >>Gene "7 months and counting" Spafford > >OK, but what are you doing with them for two hours at a time? > >[And, what have you been counting for 7 months?] >--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:- >David Herron; ARPA-> "ukma!david"@ANL-MCS >(Try the arpa address w/ and w/o the quotes, I have had much trouble with both.) > >UUCP -:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:--:- (follow one of these routes) > >{ucbvax,unmvax,boulder,research} ! {anlams,anl-mcs} -----\ vvvvvvvvvvv > >-!ukma!david > {cbosgd!hasmed,mcvax!qtlon,vax135,mddc} ! qusavx -----/ ^^^^^^^^^^^ -- Gene "7 months and counting" Spafford The Clouds Project, School of ICS, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332 CSNet: Spaf @ GATech ARPA: Spaf%GATech.CSNet @ CSNet-Relay.ARPA uucp: ...!{akgua,allegra,hplabs,ihnp4,linus,seismo,ulysses}!gatech!spaf
rrizzo@bbncca.ARPA (Ron Rizzo) (01/11/85)
Could you PLEASE stop posting this exchange to multiple newsgroups? At the very least DON'T post it to net.motss.