chuqui@nsc.UUCP (Chuqui[The Time Traveller]) (12/11/84)
[This is rather long and rambling, but it says something that I feel it is
very important for me to say. I hope you will bear with me on the length]
[This may or may not have gone out the first time-- I've sent cancels
spiraling after previous postings, but my apology if you see this twice]
The holiday time is rapidly approaching, and it is a time of year that
means many things to many people. Many religions have major holidays in the
month of December, which gives people an opportunity to refresh their
relationship with their God. It is also a time for rejoicing in the social
relationships that make the holidays so joyful, and a time for quiet
reflection and a rediscovery of the self.
Being brought up in the Judeo-Christian ethic, Christmas has always been a
very important time in my life. When you are young, there is the yearly
drama of wondering if you were good enough for Santa to leave presents for.
As I grew, Santa and the presents became less important-- the family ties
that the sharing of gifts becomes the real part of the holiday.
The retrospection, the self evalutation, stayed as well. Every year, it
seems, I sit down about this time of year and ask myself whether I'm a good
person. Every year, it seems, this triggers a series of events that
reshapes the way my life is led. Most of the changes are triggered because
my self-evaluation forces me to realize where my life isn't working, and I
look for ways to change this. Two years ago, on Christmas, I had my crisis
of faith-- Jesus and I parted when I realized that His path and mine simply
couldn't co-exist.
The solution to the crisis, and the path that I have chosen, were both
shown to me by the saviours of my old faith. In answers to my prayers for
guidance I was shown the way to the path I have since taken. Jesus, through
my prayers, was the one that helped me to realize that His was was not
mine, and He was the one that helped me find the way that does work. This
is why I believe what I do-- Jesus, and other Gods, are not jealous beings;
if another way is appropriate for you, They will help you find it, and be
glad for you. There is no One Way, and there is- all ways lead to the one,
even in their diversity.
Two years ago was the crisis in faith, last year was the crisis in
conscience. Last christmas I became unmarried. Becoming unmarried involves
many things, not the least of which is taking all of the vows you made
before your God and saying 'Remember all those things I said? Never
mind...' In other words, you lied. 'Until death do you part...' well, I'm
alive, and she's alive, and we are parted. You make a promise to yourself,
to her, and to God, and then you break your promise. You have to reconcile
yourself to these failed vows, and learn to move forward. The hardest part
is not the act of divorce, the splitup, or the ending, it is the realization
that you can lie with the best of intentions, you can lie without even
knowing it. Worse is knowing that, because you are human, you will lie
again, because you are human. You aren't perfect, you will break vows, and
there isn't a lot you can do about it. That knowledge hurts.
Which brings me to this Christmas (for those that are beginning to wonder
at the ravings of a madman, this IS going someplace...). The last year, in
retrospect, has been an extremely difficult one for me. It took me a long
time to really reconcile myself to the life that was, to figure out where
my life is, and look at where I want my life to be. A lot of pain, and a
lot of tears, have shown through the last year. I've said quite a few
things that I now wish I hadn't, and I've hurt a number of people that got
in the way of someone who really happened to be innocent bystanders. There
really isn't much you can do to take back the pain, but you would if you
could, and somehow, 'I'm sorry' just doesn't cut it. The best you can
really do is try to keep it from happening again. Those that don't learn
from history are bound to repeat it, and, personally, I don't think I'll
live long enough to make all the mistakes that are possible in my life, so
I don't want to waste a slot by repeating an old one.
The network, and the people on it, have been an important part of my life
for a number of years. For the last year, they have been critical. Many of
my closest friends out out there, somewhere-- people who have hurt when I
cried, who have smiled when I laughed, who congratulated when I succeeded,
advised me when I failed, and who happily jumped on me when I screwed up.
Beyond that, though, is the network itself cares. It isn't one person, it
isn't a group of people-- I actually found that the network, as a virtual
person, has emotions and feelings. The network can care for you, and
console you, and help you feel better-- the network can also take a read
disliking to you and make you feel miserable: it all depends on how you
treat the network. If you love the network, the network will love you back.
The network, all of you, are more than just people, more than just friends.
You are, in a very real way, family. You were there when I needed you, this
last year, and I now see that I wouldn't be where I am today without the
help and support of all of the people that make this network what it is.
I've been asked a number of times why I work as hard to make this network
work as I do-- this is the first time I've really answered that question.
I do it because everyone on this network is part of my family, because I
love you and I believe in the things that this network can do for all of
us. I get a lot of abuse, and some of it is justified-- a lot of it is
because I'm visible. But Usenet is my family, and you do things for a
family that you might not accept otherwise, and you smile. I try to do what
I think is best, and when I'm proven wrong, I don't mind admitting it. But
I DO try, and I will continue to try in the future, because I believe in
what this network is, and what it can be. I know what the network has done
for my life, and if I can help it do for someone else what it has done for
me all of the pain and the hassles and the time I put in will be more than
paid back.
Because the key to all of this is that in my self-evaluations this year I
have come to realize that for the first time in more years than I can
honestly remember I am not looking back at past mistakes. I am finally
looking forward to future triumphs. I'm not patching the bugs of yesterday,
I'm designing tomorrow. This is the most significant step I've seen in my
life, and I know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the support and help
I've gotten from all of you in the last year. No words can really explain
what this means to me, of course, but I can try:
Thank you, and Merry Christmas
chuq
--
From behind the bar at Callahan's: Chuq Von Rospach
{allegra,cbosgd,decwrl,hplabs,ihnp4,seismo}!nsc!chuqui nsc!chuqui@decwrl.ARPA
You can die of lonliness or you can speak out and say 'I need you.'dave@lsuc.UUCP (David Sherman) (12/12/84)
In article <2028@nsc.UUCP> chuqui@nsc.UUCP (Chuqui[The Time Traveller]) writes: || ... Many religions have major holidays in the || month of December... Not to flame an article such as this one, but "many religions", Chuq? Christianity is the only religion I know of with a major holiday in December. Judaism has only a minor holiday. Dave Sherman -- {allegra decvax ihnp4 linus utzoo}!utcsrgv!lsuc!dave
andrea@hp-sdd.UUCP (andrea) (01/15/85)
Chuqui,
your Christmas {report} card was one of the most beautiful and *real*
things I have read on the net in a long time. This may sound trite
when put on the screen, but I thank you from the heart for sharing
with us. A consensual community is a very precious thing; now I
understand more of your dedication to the net. Namaste!
Andrea Frankel, Hewlett-Packard (San Diego Division) (619) 487-4100 x4664
net: {allegra|ihnp4|decvax|ucbvax}!hplabs!hp-sdd!andrea
... a stranger is a friend I have not yet met.