earleh@eleazar.dartmouth.edu (Earle R. Horton) (09/04/89)
I just received by U.S. Mail an advertisement for the "Ott Computer Safety Light." This is a device, designed by the "internationally recognized photobiologist" (photobiologist?), John Ott, for the purpose of providing "important energy to help us overcome the negative effects of radiation leaked from other sources." For a mere $195, plus $18 shipping, I could be the proud owner of one of these Ott Computer Safety Lights, and protect myself from the bad radiation coming from my Macintosh. I wish I had a scanner here, or enough free time to type in the entire contents of this ridiculous package, which includes a personal letter from the head of the distributing company (Hell, the signature is even Xeroxed!), testimonials, and a photograph of something which appears so cheaply made that KMart would refuse to handle it. Well, maybe just a few lines, my comments indented. "The Ott Computer Safety Light gives computer users the right kind of light as an overall energy boost." The caffeine solution I use now works just fine. "Unlike other lighting fixtures, the Ott Computer Safety Light comes with its own switch and power cord." "It is protected by three U.S. and two international patents." "All living things are photobiotic-they need light to live and thrive." Tell that to my athlete's foot fungus. "When exposed to Ott Computer Safety Light, in minutes, the blood clumps actually dissolve." Vzntvar gur vzcyvpngvbaf sbe gur srzvavar ultvrar vaqhfgel. Naq lbh qrfreir guvf sbe ebg13-vat guvf cntr! "Pennsylvania's Department of Agriculture showed that chicken coops with Ott Lights produce eggs with 25% less cholesterol. The study further found that the hens were calmer, fought less, produced more eggs, and lived twice as long as their counterparts raised under conventional ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ flourescent lights." Buy this light, live for an average of 140 years. "Dr. John Ott has written several noted books and scientific papers..." Funny the Dartmouth College Library Online Catalog doesn't list Dr. Ott's books. "Dr. Ott has also received... ...an honorary Doctor of Science degree from Loyola University." Big fat hairy deal. I don't intend to criticize Loyola University or its policy of granting degrees here, but would you open your mouth to someone who had an honorary Doctor of Dental Surgery degree? I thought not. "This offer has been submitted solely for the benefit of selected, highly qualified users of Macintosh computers in the home." Which one of you rat-fink magazine circulation departments sold these bozos my name? When I find out, I'm canceling my subscription. "You won't be able to find it in any store." Of course not, stores have product quality standards. The whole thing reminded me of a television portrayal of a nineteenth century medicine show, complete with elixir of life made from snake oil and water dipped from Ponce de Leon's lost fountain of youth. I did the same thing with this package that I do with all unsolicited mail that insults my intelligence and comes with a Business Reply Mail envelope. I stuffed all the advertising materials, along with my insulting reply, into the envelope and popped it into the nearest mailbox. I sincerely thank Mr. Twomey, my ninth grade English teacher, for teaching me this trick. Earle R. Horton