zanussi@mva.cs.liv.ac.uk (09/05/89)
In article <15388@dartvax.Dartmouth.EDU>, earleh@eleazar.dartmouth.edu (Earle R. Horton) writes:
[stuff about a computer light that increases life, turns base metals into gold,
solves international problems, etc.]
On the subject of dodgy products and wild claims, here is a verbatim copy of an
advert that surfaced a few months ago :-
PHOTOTRON - State Of The Art In Biotechnology
=============================================
Over 80,000 sold worldwide
Hello, my name is Jeffery DeMarco, president and founder of Pyraponic
Industries. My master's thesis concerned the cannabinoid profile. The knowledge
gained through this research and experimentation can now be applied to the
growing of any herbaceous plant from mint and basil to roses and tomatoes.
In pursuit of this master's thesis, I first had to generate the world's most
extensive, nonacademic library on the subject. Second, I assembled the most
extensive, scientific bibliography ever created. Then I went into the laboratory
at a major university while under federal license, and designed the most
sophisticated laboratory grade growing chamber in the world called the PHOTOTRON
and the methodology "Growing Plants Pyraponimetrically".
If you were to research indoor plant growing techniques, as I did, a
similarity soon becomes apparent. Every system before the Phototron has
attempted to duplicate a tropical climate, such as Hawaii's, in a confined area.
I suggest that when you finally achieve the re-creation of Hawaii, you can do no
better than Hawaii's results.
In fact you will grow the plant six (6) to nine (9) months with an average 15
cm internodal length (the distance between fruiting sites). That will produce a
fruiting ratio at the tops of the plants equal to only ten percent (10%). Ninety
percent (90%) of the plant material is unusable and the plants are killed off
after harvest in preparation for planting the next crop.
Number one, the only thing I am waiting nine (9) months for is a baby. Number
two, I don't want a tree growing in my home. Number three, I am not going to pay
the electric bill to artificially reproduce the sun. That is why I made my
system so revolutionary. The Phototron measures only 92 cm tall by 46 cm wide.
Its potential is deceptively masked by the simplicity of functions design and
compact size.
On average, the Phototron draws only 4 pounds per month in electricity. I
guarantee that you will grow six (6) plants, 92 cm tall in forty-five (45) days,
while maintaining a 2.5 cm internodal length. I guarantee that in your Phototron
each of your six plants will produce over one thousand (1000) fruiting sites
from top to bottom. Mine is the only system in the world which will allow you to
reflower and refruit the same plants every forty-five (45) days. You will remove
from the system everyday. Beginning on DAY 20 after seed germination an average
of 170 grams to 227 grams of plant material, such as catnip, can be harvested
every forty-five days.
Please, do not allow the technical sounding nature of the Phototron to scare
you away. I personally back and guarantee each unit sold. The instructions are
clear and simple; the system comes to you complete. All you must do is select
your seeds, plug in the system and water it routinely. Then, if you have any
questions, you may call me directly. Ask your question. Get your answer.
You can not fail with my Phototron. I do not allow any of my Phototrons to
fall below showcase. I personally have guaranteed every Phototron ever sold and
I have never had one returned, ever, and I'm not starting now.
Call me at 0101619-451-2837 in the UK. If you do not learn more about plant
production than you have ever learned before, I will pay you for the call. Can
you afford not to call?
Jeffery Julian DeMarco
* * * * *
The "Phototron" looks like a white-and-transparent Tardis, and the advert has a
picture of one stood on a coffee table with (presumably) Mr DeMarco holding it.
Now, it is just possible that Mr DeMarco has made some major breakthrough in
biotechnology, but it sounds dodgy to me (though I'm willing to be proved
wrong). Does anyone know any more about the Phototron? If it is so incredibly
prolific in its output, why hasn't it been scaled up? Think of the contributions
it could make in areas of food shortage. Moreover, elsewhere in the advert it
says "As seen on the BBC's Tomorrows World". Can anyone confirm or deny this,
and if the claim IS true, did it get the thumbs-up or the thumbs-down?
It also strikes me as a bit of an overkill to assemble "the most extensive,
scientific bibliography ever created" just for a master's thesis.
One thousand fruiting sites PER PLANT? Just curious...
+------------------------------------------------------------------------------+
! Peter Anderton Janet: ZANUSSI@UK.AC.LIV.CS.MVA !
! (aka Zanussi or Internet: ZANUSSI%MVA.CS.LIV.AC.UK@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU !
! The Motorway Pervert) UUCP: ...!mcvax!ukc!zanussi@uk.ac.liv.cs.mva !
+------------------------------------------------------------------------------+
These are my opinions, and mine only, since no-one ever agrees with me.narco@eleazar.dartmouth.edu (John Wichers) (09/06/89)
In article <1199@mva.cs.liv.ac.uk> zanussi@mva.cs.liv.ac.uk writes: >On the subject of dodgy products and wild claims, here is a verbatim copy of an >advert that surfaced a few months ago :- > > PHOTOTRON - State Of The Art In Biotechnology > ============================================= > Over 80,000 sold worldwide > [text deleted] I have seen the Phototron advertised, usually in magazines dealing with drugs. This is not to say, of course, that I grow, harvest, buy, sell or use drugs, or promote their use ;-) ;-). You will note that Jeff Demarco, pres and chief bottle washer of Pyraponic Industries, wrote a thesis "concerned the cannabinoid profile." Cannabis, for the uninitiated, refers to the evil weed, marijuana. Now this is also not to say that Mr. Demarco would want to you use his Phototron for the purpose of growing pot [that'd be illegal, right? ;-)]; no, he proposes using it to grow scads and scads of catnip ("Hey Morris, look what I got for YOU!"). >Beginning on DAY 20 after seed germination an average >of 170 grams to 227 grams of plant material, such as catnip, can be harvested >every forty-five days. Let me tell you, Morris is gonna be one happy cat. Still, I'm sure Dr. DeMarco (can I call you Jeff?) knows what he's talking about. After all, he's done his research. > In pursuit of this master's thesis, I first had to generate the world's most >extensive, nonacademic library on the subject. Second, I assembled the most >extensive, scientific bibliography ever created. oh yeah, he read the books too. Probably while rolling a few joints of catnip for Morris. As to the question of why the Phototron hasn't been scaled up: if it gets bigger, how is Jeff going to be able to fit it into the closet, where Officer Friendly won't see it when inspecting the apartment to find out why the cat is always looking so goofy and saying things like "fuckin' meow, man, good shit" ;-) ;-) ;-) --narco "Her eyes were cold and harsh...which made them tough to chew." -Danno
manderse@orion.cf.uci.edu (Mark Andersen) (09/06/89)
In article <1199@mva.cs.liv.ac.uk> zanussi@mva.cs.liv.ac.uk writes: >In article <15388@dartvax.Dartmouth.EDU>, earleh@eleazar.dartmouth.edu (Earle R. Horton) writes: > PHOTOTRON - State Of The Art In Biotechnology > ============================================= > Over 80,000 sold worldwide > > My master's thesis concerned the cannabinoid profile. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ > In fact you will grow the plant six (6) to nine (9) months with an average 15 >cm internodal length (the distance between fruiting sites). That will produce a >fruiting ratio at the tops of the plants equal to only ten percent (10%). Ninety >percent (90%) of the plant material is unusable and the plants are killed off >after harvest in preparation for planting the next crop. >+------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ >! Peter Anderton Janet: ZANUSSI@UK.AC.LIV.CS.MVA ! >! (aka Zanussi or Internet: ZANUSSI%MVA.CS.LIV.AC.UK@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU ! >! The Motorway Pervert) UUCP: ...!mcvax!ukc!zanussi@uk.ac.liv.cs.mva ! >+------------------------------------------------------------------------------+ > These are my opinions, and mine only, since no-one ever agrees with me. Isn't it painfully obvious that this ad is directed specifically at people trying to grow a particular species (i.e., _Cannabis sativa_) of indoor plant? Hence the concern with small size, low power usage, quick growth, etc. A coffee-table sized growth chamber is not going to produce much of a crop of staple grain, anyway. Mark Andersen manderse@orion.cf.uci.edu Dept. of Ecology and Evolutionary Biology UC Irvine, Irvine, CA, 92717
zanussi@mva.cs.liv.ac.uk (09/07/89)
Thanks to all the people who, via email and the net, have brilliantly pointed
out that the Phototron can be used for growing marijuana. However, nobody seems
to have questioned :-
a) whether it actually works or not.
b) Mr DeMarco's claims about the largest bibliography, etc. ever.
c) why his brillant machine hasn't taken the world by storm. Presumably one CAN
grow things other than drugs in it.
+------------------------------------------------------------------------------+
! Peter Anderton Janet: ZANUSSI@UK.AC.LIV.CS.MVA !
! (aka Zanussi or Internet: ZANUSSI%MVA.CS.LIV.AC.UK@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU !
! The Motorway Pervert) UUCP: ...!mcvax!ukc!zanussi@uk.ac.liv.cs.mva !
+------------------------------------------------------------------------------+
These are my opinions, and mine only, since no-one ever agrees with me.montys@tekigm2.MEN.TEK.COM (MONTY SMITH) (09/07/89)
In article <1199@mva.cs.liv.ac.uk> zanussi@mva.cs.liv.ac.uk writes: > One thousand fruiting sites PER PLANT? Just curious... Sure, 1000 fruiting sites per plant! Just think about what "fruit" he's talking about here. A plant in which EVERY LEAF is a potential "fruit". Note the following two lines from the article: >My master's thesis concerned the cannabinoid profile. ^^^^^^^^^^^ >of 170 grams to 227 grams of plant material, such as catnip, can be harvested ^^^^^^ I've never heard of a cannabiniod profile, but it sure sounds awful close to cannibis! And why do you think cats like catnip so well? Just more cannibis! Let's face it, this guy is growing marijuana. AND EVERY SINGLE LEAF IS A FRUITING SITE!!!!!! OBJ: A lady comes off the golf course ranting and raving to the people in the office that she was stung by a bee and that they are doing absolutely nothing to protect their golfers. The manager finally grew tired of her whining and said in a very polite tone: "Well ma'am, just where were you stung? "It was right between holes 1 and 2" she wailed. "It sounds to me as if you need to work on your stance!"
cg47+@andrew.cmu.edu (Chap Godbey) (09/09/89)
About this PHOTOTRON thingy, which supposedly grows the evil Mari-gee-Wanna with 1000 fruiting sites... wait a minute. Fruiting sites? How about that! This could be the new craze--POT FRUITS! Get more bang for your banana! An apple a day keeps the DEA away! ...and I won't *even* get into the possibilities Californians would make with kiwis and pomegranates... no wonder Python was warning us about being attacked by someone brandishing a Queen Anne cherry. Chap Godbey (WACK@DRYCAS) "Excuse me, are you using that grape?"
pell@boulder.Colorado.EDU (Anthony Pelletier) (09/11/89)
In article <1199@mva.cs.liv.ac.uk> zanussi@mva.cs.liv.ac.uk writes: >On the subject of dodgy products and wild claims, here is a verbatim copy of an >advert that surfaced a few months ago :- > > PHOTOTRON - State Of The Art In Biotechnology > ============================================= > Over 80,000 sold worldwide Yes, the now-famous phototron, which is used for growing cat-nip, of course. But, to the original issue of "dodgy products" and shifty merchandising, I was curious about its rather odd dimensions: > >The Phototron measures only 92 cm tall by 46 cm wide. Now, that sounds to me like one yard (3 feet) by a foot-and-a-half. Unless the numbers "92" and "46" have some cosmic signifigance of which I am unaware (entierly possible, I am not up on the "new age"), it seems as though the fellow with the masters in the cannaboid profile built the thing to "american" units (the English rarely use them anymore) and then someone told him he would seem more scientific if he used metric units. Someone using metric from the start would almost certainly use 50x100. That is a cute trick marketing people use. Use terminology that makes you sound learned and scientific when selling something like this. -tony