ben@sybase.com (ben ullrich) (09/15/89)
This feature appeared in the ``Sunday Punch'' section of the San Francisco
Chronicle on 9/10 . Have a good laugh!
(copied without permission)
New Toys for Phonemaniacs, by Jackie Burrell
Recently, Hello Systems and Communications acquired the telephone company in
your area, along with telephone services throughout the West Coast.
We at Hello Bells are pleased to be your new phone monopoly, responsive to your
every need and eager to create new ones.
In addition to basic telephone utilities and such services as Call Waiting,
Call Forwarding and Call Calling, we offer a wide variety of options.
Act now and you too can enjoy a fuller, more rewarding relationship with your
telephone.
Many intelligent and attractive people like yourself have already jumped on the
bandwagon, ordering everything from New Age telephone equipment (units to suit
every karma) to mobile telephones (cellular phones for your car and the special
new waterproof and sweatproof Cellulite Phone(tm), perfect for use during
workouts).
Better yet, you can add the services listed below to your current inventory of
programmable phone features.
Don't delay. Pick up that phone and order now.
Call Backwarding(tm). You don't have to put up with those pesky phone calls
from ex-spouses, abusive loan officers and irate acquaintances when you have
Call Backwarding(tm).
Simply lift your telephone receiver and punch in the phone numbers of all the
people you don't want to talk to, up to 12,000 numbers. Then, every time a
call is placed to your line, it's automatically traced. When a match is made,
Call Backwarding(tm) kicks in, sending the call back to its place of origin.
Imagine your ex-husband phoning you day after day and always getting a busy
signal. Available for just $29.95 per month, plus installation and nominal
surcharge per call traced.
Costs vary depending on number of calls traced and number of enemies you have
entered into the system.
Solo Calling(tm). Conference calls are fine when you need to talk to several
people simultaneously, but nothing beats a good talk with yourself.
When you call yourself with Solo Calling(tm), instead of a busy signal, the
calls goes through. And with the addition of our special Echo(tm) feature,
your telephone receiver repeats everything you say, allowing you to mull over
your own words, enjoying your wit or share a good laugh with yourself.
Solo Calling(tm) is on sale now for just $12.95 plus installation and regular
phone charges. Echo feature is available for an additional $49.95.
Call Tapping(tm). Thanks to newly developed telephone technology, you can now
tap directly into your neighbors' phone lines. That's right, listen in on
private conversations incognito. This offer void where prohibited, [in fine
print] including most parts of the United States of America, maybe all of it,
but you never know, do you? Call Tapping Blockers(tm) are also available to
protect the privacy of your own telephone conversations.
Normally this optional service costs $100 per month, but for a limited time we
are offering Tapping Blockers(tm) for the low monthly rate of $99.95 plus
installation. Call Tapping(tm) itself is available for $199.95.
The Party Line(tm). Widen your social circle, improve your networking skills
and learn more about human nature through the high-tech Party Line(tm).
Through the same extraordinary technology that brought you computer bulletin
boards and conference calling, we hook you up with dozens of other similarly
intelligent and attractive people in your town, along with all the attractive
and intelligent people they speak with.
When you pick up that phone, you never know what interesting conversation may
already be in progress. Not only fun but useful too! Go ahead, have a lover's
quarrel by telephone! You'll have fellow party liners listening in, ready to
referee, cheer you on and provide play-by-play commentary.
We're so excited by this new telephone tool that we're offering it to all our
customers free of charge, starting immediately.
If you're not interested, just order Party Line Blocker(tm), on sale now for
just ...
ben ullrich consider my words disclaimed,if you consider them at all
sybase, inc., emeryville, ca "When you deal with human beings, a certain
+1 (415) 596 - 3500 amount of nonsense is inevitable." -- mike trout
ben@sybase.com {pyramid,pacbell,sun,lll-tis}!sybase!ben