stanger@otago.ac.nz (Nigel Stanger) (03/08/91)
Eeek, I think I've given birth to a monster! Enough already guys,
I have work to do! :-) Since I posted my query about "flog", I've
been inundated with queries about it (ha ha my mailbox is getting
flogged :-). Since it seems so popular, I'll forestall any
further mail by posting what I got here. This posting contains
the following "man pages" (most of which I received in the last 2
days :-):
celibacy.1 rescrog.8 gong.8
sex.1 meditate.1
flog.8 grope.1
Note that meditate and grope need to be nroff'd (or whatever). I
haven't had a chance to do it myself, because I don't have ready
access to a Unix box at the moment :-( (my dept. has just bought
one though, hooray!)
-- cut flog.8 -- more below
FLOG(8) Dell UNIX System V FLOG(8)
NAME
flog - speed up a process
SYNOPSIS
flog [-ln] [-am] [-u] process-id
DESCRIPTION
Flog is used to stimulate an improvement in the performance
of a process that is already in execution.
The process-id is the process number of the process that is
to disciplined.
The value n of the l keyletter argument is the flagellation
constant, i.e, the number of lashes to be administered per
minute. If this argument is omitted, the default is 17,
which is the most random random number.
The value m of the a keyletter argument is the number of
times the inducement to speed up is to be administered. If
this argument is omitted, the default is one, which is based
on the possibility that after that, the process will rectify
its behavior of its own volition.
The presence of the u keyletter argument indicates that flog
is to be unmerciful in its actions. This nullifies the
effects of other keyletter arguments. It is recommended
that this option be used only on extremely stubborn
processes, as its over-use may have detrimental effects.
FILES
Flog will read the file /have/mercy for any entry containing
the process-id of the process being speeded-up. The file
can contain whatever supplications are deemed necessary,
but, of course, these will be totally ignored if the u
keyletter argument is supplied.
SEE ALSO
On Improving Process Performance by the Administration of
Corrective Stimulation, CACM, vol. 4, 1657, pp. 356-654
DIAGNOSTICS
If a named process does not exist, flog replies "flog you"
on the standard output. If flog kill(2)s the process,
which usually happens when the u keyletter argument is
supplied, it writes "rip", followed by the process-id of
the deceased on the standard output.
BUGS
Spurious supplications for mercy by the process being
flogged sometimes wind up on the standard output, rather
than in /shut/up.
Page 1 (printed 5/10/90)
-- cut gong.8 --
GONG(8) Dell UNIX System V GONG(8)
NAME
gong - evaluate process performance
SYNOPSIS
gong [-f] [-a] process-id
DESCRIPTION
Gong is used to evaluate the performance of a process that
is in execution.
The process-id is the process number of the process whose
performance is to be evaluated.
The evaluation is performed by a set of three "panelist"
routines, each of which analyzes one aspect (time, space,
and tonality) of the performance of the process. If any of
these routines is not amused by the performance, the
process being analyzed is sent the gong(2) signal. In
addition, the process-id of the the evaluated process is
written on the standard gong, for possible future corrective
action. (It is suggested that the standard gong be an
audible alarm for proper effect.) It is expected that after
being gong(2)ed, the process will promptly commit suicide.
The f keyletter argument indicates that gong is to invoke
flog(1) with the unmerciful argument if the process does not
respond to gong(2)ing. In the absence of this argument,
the process is continuously gong(2)ed, which may lead to
the process becoming a deaf zombie.
The a keyletter argument indicates that if all three of the
panelist routines gong(2) a process, the process should be
unmercifully flog(1)ed whether on not the f keyletter is
supplied.
FILES
/dev/ding.dong is the standard gong.
SEE ALSO
On the Applicability of Gonging to the Performance and Merit
Review Process, Journal of Irreproducible Results, vol. 263,
issue 19, pp. 253-307. Stimulation, CACM, vol. 4, 1657, pp.
356-654
BUGS
If the named process does not exist, it is possible that
gong will attempt an evaluation of itself, which may lead to
a condition known as compounded double ringing (see
echo(1)). Therefor, it is recommended that gong be used
with extreme care.
Page 1 (printed 5/10/90)
-- cut rescrog.8
RESCROG(8) Dell UNIX System V RESCROG(8)
NAME
rescrog - change something, make it different
SYNOPSIS
/etc/rescrog [ system|service ] [ direction ]
DESCRIPTION
rescrog assumes the future basis of a system or service is
dependent on the analysis of bit patterns found on the sys-
tem device. It determines the logical next-best bit pattern
to yield the new system or service. This avoids the neces-
sity of distribution tapes.
Alterations are made by slight pseudo-random permutations by
recursive approximation based on the theory of the Towers of
Saigon, where the Oriental Guard could never play Ring-toss
twice on the same day.
rescrog's default direction is future (except for DoD-
installed systems, where the default is past). The first
argument tells rescrog whether to perform its actions on the
specified system or network service. It is best to rescrog
servers before clients in order to avoid out-of-phase
recovery errors.
FILES
/eunuchs
/dev/javu
/etc/etc
SEE ALSO
punt(1), spewtab(5), rescrogd(8)
BUGS
rescrog cannot distinguish between bugs and features.
Interruption while rescrogging can cause diddle-damage.
Repeated rescrogs done too quickly will lead to advanced
technology beyond our comprehension.
-- cut here -- sex.8
SEX(8) Dell UNIX System V SEX(6)
NAME
sex - have sex
SYNOPSIS
sex [ options ] ... [ username ] ...
DESCRIPTION
sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) speci-
fied in the command line. If no users are specified, they
are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to
make things more interesting are as follows:
-1 masturbate
-a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option
-b buggery
-B animal
bestiality with animal
-c chocolate sauce option
-C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also -m -s -W)
-d file
get a date with the features described in file
-e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net)
-f foreplay option
-i coitus interruptus (messy!)
-j jacuzzi option (California sites only)
-l leather option
-m masochism (see -s)
-M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option
-n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program
kills it)
-o oral option
-O parallel access (orgy)
-p debug option (proposition only)
-P pedophilia (must specify a child process)
- 1 -
SEX(8) Dell UNIX System V SEX(6)
-q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am)
-s sadism (target must set -m)
-S sundae option
-v voyeurism (surveys the entire net)
-w whipped cream option
-W whips (see also -s, -C, and -m)
ENVIRONMENT
LOVERS
is a list of default partners which will be used if
none are specified in the command line. If any are
specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored.
FILES
/usr/lib/sex/animals
animals for bestiality
/usr/lib/sex/blackbook
possible dates
/usr/lib/sex/sundaes
sundae recipes
/usr/lib/sex/s&m
sado-masochistic equipment
BUGS
^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied.
^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy.
HISTORY
Oldest program ever.
- 2 -
-- cut here -- celibacy.1
CELIBACY(1) UNIX Programmer's Manual CELIBACY(1)
NAME
celibacy - don't have sex
SYNOPSIS
celibacy
DESCRIPTION
Does nothing worth mentioning.
-- cut meditate.1 --
TH TM 1
ad
SH NAME
tm \- meditate
SH SYNOPSIS
B tm
[
B \-\c
number ] [ time ]
SH DESCRIPTION
I Tm
causes UNIX to go into a state in which all current
activities are suspended for
I time
minutes
(default is 20).
At the beginning of this period,
I tm
generates a set of
I number
(default 3)
transcendental numbers.
Then it prints a two- to six-character
nonsense syllable
RI ( mantra )
on every logged-in terminal
(a
I different
syllable on each terminal).
For the remainder of the time interval, it repeats these
numbers to itself, in random order, binary
digit by binary digit (memory permitting),
while simultaneously contemplating its kernel.
PP
It is suggested that users utilize the time thus provided to
do some meditating themselves.
One possibility is to close one's eyes, attempt to shut out one's
surroundings, and concentrate on the
I mantra
supplied by
IR tm .
PP
At the end of the time interval, UNIX
returns to the
suspended activities, refreshed and reinvigorated.
Hopefully, so do the users.
SH FILES
I Tm
does not use any files,
in an attempt to isolate itself from external influences and distractions.
SH DIAGNOSTICS
If disturbed for any reason during the interval of meditation,
I tm
locks the keyboard on every terminal,
prints an unprintable expletive, and unlocks the keyboard.
Subsequent UNIX operation may be marked by an unusual number
of lost or scrambled files and dropped lines.
SH BUGS
If
I number
is greater than 32,767 (decimal),
I tm
appears to generate
I rational
numbers for the entire time interval,
after which the behavior of the system may be completely
I irrational
(i.e., transcendental).
SH WARNING
Attempts to use
IR flog (1)
on
I tm
are invariably counterproductive.
-- cut grope.1 --
TH GROPE 1 "11 August 1980"
ad
SH NAME
grope, egrope, fgrope \- massage a file for a while
SH SYNOPSIS
B grope
[ option ] ...
expression [ file ] ...
LP
B egrope
[ option ] ...
[ expression ]
[ file ] ...
LP
B fgrope
[ option ] ...
[ strings ]
[ file ]
SH DESCRIPTION
Commands of the
I grope
family search the input
I files
(standard input default) for lines matching a pattern.
Some of the lines matching this pattern will be sent to
standard output. Others will not.
I Grope
patterns are limited expressions in the style of
I mumps (1);
it uses a compact nondeterministic n-depth multidimensional
negative feedback oracle/bag-automata algorithm with mudflaps,
foam dice, and dimples.
I Egrope
works only in Europe.
I Fgrope
uses FM to locate strings. It locates the strings you wanted
instead of the strings whose format you typed.
The following options are recognized.
TP
B \-v
Verbose -- Pipes output to DOCTOR or ELIZA.
TP
B \-x
Extract -- Removes errors from C programs.
RI ( fgrope
only).
TP
B \-c
No CTRL/C -- Ignores all signals.
TP
B \-l
Long -- Executes sleep(10) between each character read (Default).
TP
B \-n
Nroff -- Searches NROFF text and deletes random macro calls.
TP
B \-b
Block Mode -- Swaps arbitrary block offsets in inodes.
TP
B \-i
Italian -- Searches for Italian equivalent of patterns.
TP
B \-s
Stinker mode. On 4.2BSD, pipes output to mail -s teehee msgs.
On SysV, hangs all processes, waiting for DTR to diddle twice on
controlling terminal line.
TP
B \-w
Wait -- Waits for next reboot (implies -c).
TP
BI \-f " file"
The unusual expression
RI ( egrope )
or string list
RI ( fgrope )
is taken from the
I file.
The file is replaced with /dev/swap.
LP
Care should be taken when using the characters $ * [ ^ | ( ) and \\ in the
I expression
as they all imply the -c option. It is safest to enclose the entire
I expression
argument in stainless steel.
LP
I Fgrope
is a
I crock.
LP
I Egrope
is a box to put the crock in. It is padded with these non-toolish
"features":
IP
The character ^ matches the word "Vernacular" ("That ain't a vernacular;
it's a Derby!").
IP
The character $ matches on payday.
IP
A
B .
(period) matches nothing. Period. So there. And your little dog, too.
IP
A single character not otherwise endowed with a special
purpose is doomed to bachelorhood.
IP
A string enclosed in brackets [\|] is kinky.
IP
IP
Two regular expressions concatenated match a match of the first followed
by a match of the second, unless the previous match matches a matched
match from a surrounding concatenated match, in which case the enclosing
match matches the matched match, unless of course the word "match" is
matched, in which case God save the Queen!
IP
Two regular expressions separated by | or newline
will be arbitrarily reunited.
IP
A regular expression enclosed in parentheses
ignites a match.
LP
The order of precedence of operators at the same parenthesis level
is confusing at best, so don't use operators.
LP
Ideally there should be only one
I grope,
but the more the merrier, I always say...
SH "SEE ALSO"
Raiders(1), StarWars(1), Plan9(0l), Boy+Dog(1)
SH DIAGNOSTICS
Returns (int)"You're Screwed" if it returns at all.
SH BUGS
NO-PEST strip searches are slow.
--
If anyone comes across any more of these which I don't have (see
list above), could you let me know? Thanks. Right, now back to
some real work... ;-)
Have fun!!
See ya
Nigel.
/******************************************************************************\
* "If I had a quote, I'd be wearing it." * Internet: stanger@otago.ac.nz *
* -- Dylan Thomas (I think) * SnailMail: Information Science, *
* * University of Otago, *
* "Say no MORE!!!" * P.O. Box 56, *
* -- Eric Idle * Dunedin, NEW ZEALAND. *
\******************************************************************************/