kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler) (10/08/89)
The Usenet Oracle is now available to answer all your questions!
To find out how to ask the Oracle a question, send e-mail to:
oracle@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu
or {ames,rutgers}!iuvax!oracle
with the subject titled "help". You will be mailed a helpfile.
Example "oracularities" are included below and different sets have also
been posted to these newsgroups:
alt.sex misc.misc rec.humor
alt.sources news.misc rec.misc
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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> How many Mountain Dews will I drink in my life?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, let me put it this way. If we stack all the cans one atop
} another, the stack would reach to the Moon and back 36 times! Believe
} it or not! You will pass enough sweetly carbonated fluid to fill Hoover
} Dam with enough left over for an Olympic-sized swimming pool or two. My
} God, Man! Consider your actions! Think about the environment and all
} that stuff!
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The oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> While walking home today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. A block
> further, I found a nickel. Another block further, I found a dime. Yet
> another block further, I found a Krugerand. Is there any significance
> to this?
And in response, thus spake the oracle:
} YOU FASCIST WHITE-SUPREMACIST APARTHEID LOVING RACIST! Put that
} Krugerand back, or else go back to South Africa where you belong!!!! If
} you can't tell the difference between good ol' Mom's Apple Pie [TM]
} Yankee money and racist forgeries, you shouldn't be allowed outside your
} playpen. (This is the long answer.)
} Short answer: No.
You owe the oracle 3 minutes of life.
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The oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Oh, great oracle! What doest thou do with thy newt's eyes?
And in response, thus spake the oracle:
} Everybody! Follow the bouncing ball ...
}
} Oh! A newt's eye is a wonderful thing,
} It makes you laugh, it makes you sing,
} If you don't like the news I bring,
} Better go consult the I Ching.
You owe the oracle 4 years of slavery.
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The oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> Why does it seem like everyone else in the whole world is crazy?
And in response, thus spake the oracle:
} The basic axioms here are:
} (1) Sane people think that sane people are sane, and that crazy people
} are crazy.
} (2) Crazy people think that sane people are crazy, and that crazy
} people are sane.
} And our premise is:
} (3) You think that everybody else is crazy.
} This leads us inexorably to one of two conclusions. Either
} (A) You are sane, everybody else is crazy. Or
} (B) You are crazy, everybody else is sane.
} To decide between these, we note the empirical observation:
} (4) I am sane.
} Therefore: you are crazy, everybody else is sane.
You owe the oracle 2 cases of root beer.
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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> What are those little "crumblies" on the bottom of an English Muffin,
> and why the hell are they there in the first place?!?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Well, I'm glad someone finally asked. Now I get to expose one of the
} most diabolical conspiricies of all time! These little "crumblies", as
} you so cutely call them, are actually the cocoons of tiny, genetically
} engineered parasites that, once you eat enough of them, invade your
} brain cells, especially the centers for speech and propriety, and make
} you start spelling words with extra letters and driving on the wrong
} side of the road.
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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
> O Mighty Oracle, please do enlighten me ...
>
> Three sailors get a hotel room for $30.00. ($10.00 apiece) The hotel
> manager makes a mistake and gives them back $5. He sends the bell boy
> up to their room with the $5. However, the bellboy is upset that he
> didn't get a tip from the sailors, so he keeps $2 for his tip. He gives
> the sailors the remaining three dollars. That means that the sailors
> only paid $9 apiece for the room, and the bellboy got $2. That only
> adds up to be $29. Where did the other dollar go?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} It's lodged snugly and quite permanently in Candy's nasal cavity.
}
} You see, the sailors' call girl used it to snort some coke. In her
} enthusiasm, she snorted the bill, too.
}
} The serial number of the bill is D67039973F. It's an `85 issue out of
} Cleveland.
}
} The sailors missed their ship, and are now serving time in the stockade.
}
} The hotel manager's incompetance was interpreted as evidence of
} embezzlement by upper management. He's currently on the run from the
} FBI.
}
} Candy and the bellboy got together. With his $2 and her, uh, nose for
} money, they compounded their assets into a small fortune in the penny
} stock market and were last seen on the French Riviera.