moriarty@tc.fluke.COM (The Napoleon of Crime) (11/19/89)
Lo, I did look down upon my fellow Usenet posters these many months ago, and
didest see division and strife amongest them. (Unlike today, of course...)
For there was a rumor alive in the land, a rumor that told of class division
on the net and a strange, ruling class called Net Gods, who secretly
controlled all net discussions and were repressive of those who had not
attained Net Divinity. There was some grumbling in the land that I, myself,
a humble-yet-lovable criminal mastermind, was one of their number; and I was
mightly disturbed, for this could look bad on my grad school application.
Truly, I knew there were no such things as Usenet Gods, for had not the Book
of Dan'l said so? And yea, I have a very big mouth... But I knew that some
would not believe my protests, for many had grown up with Ronald Reagan, and
were suspicious of just about everything. So I didest puzzle and puzzle,
'til my puzzler was sore, until it came to me. What would Abraham Lincoln
do in situation like this? Simple:
A cheap gimmick.
For if one cannot insure that there are no Net Gods, the next best thing is
to make EVERYONE Net Gods. Which is what you will find below: a
StuffIt-compressed, binhexed Aldus Freehand document which, when unpacked
and printed with a Macintosh and a postscript-compatible laserwriter, will
produce:
>>>>THE NET-GOD BADGE<<<<
3-D artwork. Hi-res shaded graphics. And your name wrapping around the
Unofficial Net Icon. (Select "Your Name Here", use the Seperate option
under the ELEMENT menu of Freehand, replace "Your Name Here" with your name
(aha!) and then rejoin your name to the curve with the "Join" menu. There
is also an unadorned generic badge where you can (*ahem*) write your name
in.)
So the next time some poltroon calls YOU a novice newsposter, sniff, stick
your nose in the air, pull out your badge and say in your chilliest voice:
"But my dear sir/ma'am... I am a NET GOD!"
And then hand them a badge of their own. (But not until you've ridiculed
their arguments, of course.)
Our Hope: By the year 2000, Internet can say, as a collective:
"Nobody home but us NetGods!" **
Well, my work here is done. Live in peace, be of good cheer, and leave that
white horse alone, it isn't paid for yet. Adios...
----
** Funding for the NetGod Badge project provided by AT&T, who reminds you
that using any other long-distance company will cause financial setbacks,
maritial problems, two-headed calves, and eventual sterility. Good night.
[ :-) -- insisted on by the best legal minds in the business.]
----
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----
"There are no big name people here, only those of
us with bigger mouths than others."
-- Dan'l Dennehy-Oakes
Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer
INTERNET: moriarty@tc.fluke.COM
Manual UUCP: {uw-beaver, sun, microsoft, hplsla, uiucuxc}!fluke!moriarty
CREDO: You gotta be Cruel to be Kind...
<*> DISCLAIMER: Do what you want with me, but leave my employers alone! <*>