[sci.electronics] SCIENCE NEWSline reports new discovery

nic@marque.mu.edu (Nic Bernstein) (04/01/88)

SCIENCE NEWSLine

Special Report


Discoverers at Discovery World discover new particle!

Dateline: April 1, 1988; Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Researchers at Milwaukee's Discovery World Museum have discovered a new
sub-atomic particle possessing properties never before observed, expected 
or even wished for in those bizzarre spans of time in between wakefulness 
and sleep.  If confirmed, or for that matter just accepted as gospel, these 
findings could revolutionize post-modern quantum-maniacal thought.  The 
findings were reported this week, by science impersonator Dave Maleckar, 
before the regular meeting of the Quantum Universe Association of Science 
Hacks (QUASH) .

This particle, dubbed by its discoverers as the Eclectron, is said to 
possess a range of characteristics similar to that found in quarks; an 
electrical charge, like that found in protons and electrons; and most 
interesting is its ability to interact with forces never before known.  
Below is an excerpt from the transcripts of the meeting:

Q:Dr. Maleckar, just how did you make this brave new discovery?

A:I'm glad you asked that.  We had been doing research for our new traveling 
show, "The Albert Einstein Experience," when we stumbled across this 
incredible find.  Seeing as we are not a research institution, we didn't 
pay alot of attention to it at first, but as time went on it just kept 
popping up.  We figured we better tell someone about it.

Q:When you say that it kept popping up, just what do you mean?  Was it an 
abberration in your bubble chambers? An anomaly with your accelerators?  
Just how did it manifest itself?

A:I'm glad you asked that.  Actually it was a seemingly randomly occurring 
typographical mistake.  But as we looked into it further, we found an 
underlying pattern which has lead us to the conclusion that it is a new 
fundamental particle.

Q:Could you tell us what properties this "Eclectron" posesses that set it 
apart from the known particles?

A:I'm glad you asked that.  It is these properties which really amazed us 
about the eclectron and our own scientific acumen.  First, let me describe 
what we call the characteristics.  These characteristics are similar to 
"strangness" and "charm" in quarks, as a matter of fact, they are so similar 
that one of the characteristics is "strange charm" or "Charisma."  Charisma 
is the characteristic of some eclectrons to convince otherwise well behaved 
particles to do things that would have Bohr rolling over in his grave.  As 
an example, we witnessed a perfectly mild mannered neutron being coerced 
into taking on a charge for the sole purpose of frustrating a graduate 
student.  The other characteristics are such things as "Zest", "Income" 
and "Political Affiliation".

Q:Excuse me, did you say political affiliation?

A:I'm glad you asked that.  As a matter of fact, yes.  We found that there 
is a definite difference between liberal and conservative eclectrons, but 
the lines are blurry.  In any given situation you can't be sure just how 
things will end up, at least not until the mono-poles come out.  You see, 
this is one of the most intriguing aspects of the eclectron; it is not just 
a particle of a different color, it is a particle of whatever color.  This 
is the populist particle, a kind of a particle for the proles, as it were.

Q:Aside from these characteristics, what other properties does the eclectron 
exhibit?

A:I'm glad you asked that.  The eclectron is the first particle we've 
encountered with an AC electrical charge.  This gives the eclectron a sort 
of chameleon quality when it comes to atomic interaction.  When you couple 
this with the eclectron's force of levity, it makes for some very interesting 
quantum equations.

Q:Force of levity?  Could you explain that?

A:I'm glad you asked that.  We witnessed the eclectron masquerading as both 
protons and electrons at different times, but whenever we tested it on it's 
own we could find neither a positive or negative charge.  As a matter of fact, 
it was so powerfully neutral that our instruments were pegged out of range.  
Yet given the right enticement, normally monetary, the particle would take 
on whatever charge happened to be in vogue at the moment.  Now, normal atomic 
theory would state that one particle just couldn't serve as both an electron 
and a proton, since the two have such radically different masses.  This is 
were the force of levity comes in.  You see the eclectron has the innate 
ability to lighten any situation, thereby masking its mass and appearing as 
light as an electron.  Under the right circumstances (and if enough other 
eclectrons are doing it) the particle can even make its mass diminish to 
nothing and appear to be a photon.  Truly amazing!

Q:Mr. Maleckar, it is widely known that you hold no degrees in any of the 
sciences.  As a matter of fact, the press commonly refers to you as a 
"Science Impersonator."  Why do you expect us to believe anything you say?

A:I'm sorry you asked that.  The fact is that I do hold a BS degree from the 
Upper Volta Technical Institute in the field of agricultural demolitions.

Q:Given your obvious incompetence in the field of sub-atomic physics, why 
should you have been the one to find this particle?

A:I'm beginning to regret this Q & A session.  The answer to this question 
is painfully obvious.  The eclectron only shows its true colors during 
election years.  The obvious offshoot of this is that since all of you 
"Scientists" are busy lobbying candidates, and chasing defense grants, you're 
just too busy to observe this phenomenon.  Since we are a private, non-
research, facility we don't have this problem.  I feel that with the extension 
of the campaign season, however, more people will have the opportunity to 
witness this charismatic particle in action.  That will be all gentlemen, 
and members of the press.

---
				Nic Bernstein
				Discovery World Museum
				Milwaukee, Wisconsin
				uunet!marque!dworld!nic