ggibeau@ucqais.uc.edu (George Gibeau) (02/23/89)
The problem: too much cooperation in the user-hostile computing
industry. The solution: BLYTE magazine, by PiranhaCorp.
As regular readers will recall, PiranhaCOrp is the company which
regularly advertises such dubious software as PiranhaClean, "The
Janitorial Management System That Bites The Dust," and PiranhaDate,
"The Appointment Calendar That Works Like Ther's No Tomorrow."
In recent months, however, a number of bad pennies have tried to
cash in on PiranhaCorp's success. THe most blatent imitator is
obviously PariahCorp, with their motto, "We Never Stop Saying So
What?!" but two other major contenders have entered the field:
BorderLine Software ("Make A Run For The BorderLine"), and
Albatross Artificially Intelligence Systems ("Let An Albatross
Pick Your Brain").
With so many companies expanding into the user-hostile market, there
n
was a fear that some standardization would accidently develop.
Consequently, PiranhaCorp founded BLYTE.
One of the first problems Blyte addressed was that microcomputer
users are not sufficiently confused about OS/2's Extended memory and the
Lotus-Intel-Microsoft Expanded memory. Therefore, Blytes first
editorial promoted designs for Extensive Memory, Exhaustive Memory,
Excessive Memory, and Extraterrestrial Memory. All of these
are variants of Exorbitant Memory, and should not be confused with
Ex-Rated Memory, which can only be used for unprintable characters.
Similarly, PiranhaCorp became concerned that there are only two major
incompatible microcomputer architectures: IBM's proprietary "Micro
Channel Architecture" (MCA), and the Compaq-Tande-Zenith "Extended
Industry Standard Architecture" (EISA). To offset the possibility of user
comprehension, Blyte is promoting the so-called "Old MacDonald Architecture"
with Expensive Industry Established Input/Output" (EIEIO).
Like other computer journals, Blyte is financed entirely by advertising;
nonetheless, Blyte emphasizes that Blyte writers - similar to their
counterparts in other trade journals - remain completely uninfluenced
by the fact that their salaries are paid by the vendors of the products
they are evaluating.
Admittedly, this makes it hard to explain some of Blytes recent reviews,
such as "OS/2 Presentation Manager. Nothing But A Bag Of Windows," and
"Release 34.5c of PiranhaCalc: Dynamic Diagonal DIsplay Slants
Statistics." In fact, it would appear that only PiranhaCorp
products have ever merited Blytes coveted "Achilles' Seal of
Approval." Needless to say, PiranhaCorp executives could not be
reached for comment.
--
(Why do we drive on our parkways and park on our driveways?)
Idiots? They're worse than idiots. They're bureaucrats!!
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