BowlesSR.dlos@PARC-MAXC.ARPA (04/30/83)
Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In
By JOE BOB BRIGGS
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joe Bob gets up close and personal:
A talk with Bootsie Goodhead
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Normally I don't do interviews. Not a public kind of guy, and let's
face it, who gives a flying frijole anyway? Did you read all that
bullstuff about how Dustin Hoffman understands bimbo now because he dressed
up like a porkchop himself? Good. Neither did I. Let's keep the box-of-
rocks comments out of the paper. If actors and directors and big-shot
producers have something to say, they can write to Joe Bob's Mailbag like
everybody else.
But this week I'm making an exception. Because we're talking Academy
Award-level acting. We're talking a performance so warm and moving and
*sincere* that it gets me all choked up just thinking about it. We're
talking drive-in heaven. You've probably already guessed it by now, but
I'll go ahead and say it.
We're talking Bootsie Goodhead.
Now I know a lot of you turkeys went out and sneaked into the walk-ins
last week to see Bootsie Goodhead in "Screwballs." I know the feeling and
I don't blame you. "Screwballs" is the latest flick produced by Roger
Corman, King of the Drive-In, but for some reason, he decided to stick it
in the hardtops for the first week. He wanted to get some good word-of-
mouth going among the indoor-bullstuff wimpolas, because he knew he had a
great artistic film on his hands.
What he's got on his hands, I can tell you, is probably best described
by Bootsie Goodhead herself.
"It's has a lot of nudity in it, and lot of boys trying to get [a word
they won't let Joe Bob put in the newspaper]."
You may be wondering how I met Bootsie Goodhead. I can't remember
myself. But New World Pictures called up one day and said, "How would you
like to interview the star and writer of 'Screwballs'?"
"Don't do interviews."
"Her name is Linda Shayne."
"Never heard of her."
"She has this scene where she puts her breasts..."
"*You don't mean Bootsie Goodhead*!"
Like I say, I made an exception.
As you can see from her comment above, Bootsie is not just another
humongous set of garbonzas, Bootsie is a writer. That's why, when I went
to see her on opening night, we had a lot to talk about.
"Bootsie," I started off, "I'm going to ignore the fact that the top
four buttons on your blouse are undone and you are obviously not wearing a
bra. That will have absolutely no effect on my objectivity, because I want
to talk flicks."
Bootsie giggled a little bit and made big craters in her cheeks. This
is caused by the fact that she has approximately 12 more teeth than the
average human being. She also threw three tons of blonde hair over her
left shoulder, so that I could see her. However, I didn't notice at the
time, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
"Bootsie, last year we had 'E.T.' and this year we've got
'Screwballs.' Does this represent some kind of trend?"
"What?"
"I had an idea that would be your answer, Bootsie, and let me just say
that I speak for several drive-in critics on my street when I say that you
performance in 'Screwballs' is truly *awesome*, if you know what I mean and
I'm sure you don't."
"Thank you."
"I'll even go farther. I think that movie history was made in your
famous drive-in scene. Especially the part where you get the nerd to jump
in the back of your van with you so you can start rooting around in there
while the movie is on."
Bootsie fluttered her eyelashes.
"But, of course, the highlight of the entire movie is when the nerd
suddenly has to jump out of the back door, and when he does, the door
catches on part of your clothing, and you have to rub your breasts up
against the back window for a full minute."
"That *was* a challenging scene."
"Does that glass get pretty cold?"
"I did have to repeat it several times for the camera."
"I'm sure you did. Now I understand, Bootsie, that you wrote that
scene for yourself?"
"Well, actually, Roger said I should do it."
"Roger Corman, King of the Drive-in?"
"Yes."
"And did you write your famous opening line to the nerd, the sensitive
suggestion, 'Wanna play Hide The Salami?'"
"I did."
"And were you allowed to use stunt breasts at all?"
"No, those were mine."
"Amazing in this day and age, to see a performer doing her own stunts.
Awesome. Really."
"Thank you."
"I also understand that you had something to do with the famous
bowling-alley scene?"
"Yes, it was my idea for the bowling ball to get stuck on that guy's
thing. But it was my partner's idea on how to get it off."
"Amazing."
"I like good old fun T&A films."
"And what are you doing later tonight, Bootsie?"
"Going out to Prestonwood so I can sign autographs and help kids sneak
in."
"I was told that you do a lot of work with children. And will you be
wearing anything, uh, different?"
"I'll probably change into a mini-dress."
"I'm sure you will...And Bootsie?"
"Yes?"
"What ARE those?"
"What?"
Anyhow, I'm recommending that you check out Bootsie tonight on the
outdoor screen and tell *me* whether the drive-in scene is not one of the
most *moving* scenes in history.
"Screwballs" is this flick about Taft & Adams High School ("T&A
High"), where a bunch of guys all get sent to detention hall for minor
infractions of the rules--like this one guy who puts on a doctor's coat and
does "breast exams," and this other guy who sticks the wrong end of his
Eiffel Tower in the face of Purity Busch. Purity Busch is the school
virgin, this icy blonde airhead homecoming queen type who has parents named
Ward and June. Ward and June are having trouble in their bedroom. "I'm
worried about the Beaver," says June. Anyway, all these four guys in
detention *do* is try to get Purity, if you know what I mean and I think
you do. Along the way we got 25 breasts. One faculty orgy. No kung fu.
No creatures. Moaning. Rooting around. Bimbos in the water. Drive-In
Academy Award nominations for Bootsie, for Lynda Speciale as Purity Busch,
for Jason Waren as Melvin Jerkovski the fat kid, for director Rafal
Zielinski, and for Alan Daveau for his *amazing* demonstration in the
bowling-ball scene.
Four stars and--we have a new *1983 Numero Uno.*
The Top Ten now reads as follows:
1. "Screwballs"
2. "The Concrete Jungle": best women-in-cages.
3. "Bloodsucking Freaks": gore and perversion extravaganza.
4. "Losin' It": Bordertown garbonzas and studs in heat.
5. "High Test Girls": all-time garbonza champion.
6. "10 to Midnight": best Chuck Bronson-sweeps-the-scum-off-the-
street flick.
7. "The House on Sorority Row": psycho making meat salad with
college girls.
8. "Madman": killer-creep-psycho teenagers-in-peril splatter movie.
9. "The Boogey Man": best "Poltergeist" ripoff to date.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
JOE BOB'S MAILBAG:
Dear Joe Bob,
Hey, what's this? Jealousy in the movie section? I'm talking about the
photo of the fat, retarded Siamese twin whom you identified as John Bloom.
Now, all of the promo photos of El Bloomo in the Times Herald make him look
like a matinee idol. In fact, he's just a little too "pretty", if you know
what I mean, and I think you do. However, he must appeal to women, because
my wife drools all over the page every time they run one of his mug shots.
If in fact you are just a tad jealous, comfort yourself with this
thought: While he's *looking* for Truth, Art, and Beauty on the movie
screen, you are *personally discovering* these eternal verities in the back
seat of the good old Toronado, Right?
As you always say, hang in there.
Bill Meals
Richardson
Dear Bill:
After he made "The Incredible Two-Headed Transplant," Bloom went to Sweden
and had an operation. Tell you wife, that picture in Airbrush City.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
[reprinted without permission from the Dallas Times Herald: April 29, 1983.