BowlesSR.dlos@PARC-MAXC.ARPA (05/06/83)
Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In
BY JOE BOB BRIGGS
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Joe Bob's on his way to France; first stop:
Salt Lake City, Utah
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SALT LAKE CITY, Utah -- So far nothing looks familiar.
I stopped here so I could ask directions to Gary Gilmore's
house, but I guess all his friends moved off. I'm headed for
France. I wasn't gonna go this year, but then last week "Valley
Girl" came out and I said to myself, Joe Bob, you gotta get out
of the country for a while. This guy from Us Magazine was
bugging me, too. He wanted a picture of me out in front of the
183 D.I., and I kept telling him, no way, Jose, not a public kind
of guy, I never cooperate with the media, but the guy was hanging
around my house with a Jap camera, and what I'm trying to say, I
guess, is I needed to get out of town before the geekheads
scrambled by brain.
So I'm going back to France because, *numero uno*, these
turkeys have been calling me from New York and telling me how the
biggest gross-out D.I. flicks in the history of the world are
gonna be on display in France next week and I better check 'em
out. *Numero two-o*, France still don't have a drive-in in spite
of my lecture lst year called "The Cinema Al Fresco." Wanda
Bodine wrote the title. Speaking of Wanda, I left her high and
dry. I knew she would find out I was going back and want to go
so she could learn more French (last year she learned how to say
"Le Bodine").
Anyhow, it's been a week and I'm not even to the Gulf of
Mexico and I'm starting to worry about what happened in the Fort
Worth mixmaster. I keep going by drive-ins with "Valley Girl"
signs, which means I gotta do something quick or I'm gonna have
to take a rifle and start dousing neon.
If the Toronado makes it, I'll tell you what the Frogs are
doing next week. I answered a bunch of mail before I left.
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JOE BOB'S MAILBAG
Joe Bob--
Can you believe this review that I've enclosed? Pure "copied"
junk!
If you think it's worth your time--would you comment on this
high handed robbery!
There's no just substitute for (1) your articles (2) good
women & (3) Texas --
JR
Shreveport, LA
[Article enclosed from the Shreveport Journal called "Redneck
Reviewer", by "Billy Clyde, Low-budget Move Critic." Sample
paragraphs:
"I finally got Brenda Sue out of the house to go to the
show. And it wasn't easy. When I knocked on the door, her old
man answered with a shotgun in his hand...
"With a title like that, I was expecting 'Losin' It' to
knock the titillation scale out of whack, but it scored a modest
six. That's six wonderful nudity scenes. The move scored higher
on the brass knuckles scale, with seven scenes of violence,
although no corpses."]
Dear J.R.:
I got a lot of foreign readership over in your area, due to
my court case which is still pending in Bossier City, even though
I expect the judge to drop the drunk-and-disorderly, the grand-
theft-auto, the crossing-state-lines-to-avoid-prosecution, the
public-indecency, and the incitement-to-riot. That would only
leave one felony and three misdemeanors, and Jimbo, by lawyer,
says he can get me off on those if I send him another hundred.
Anyway, this Billy Clyde is probably one of those old boys I
ran across in the Bossier City Jail during my temporary
confinement. If it's the turkey I'm thinking about, all we gotta
do is wait. We're also talking indoor bullstuff. All they got
over there is the Showtown Twin D.I., and it's on the Shreveport
side of the Red River.
Give him a break: You can see this old boy is fairly
pathetic in the flick department anyway.
*
Dear Joe Bob,
I just love your column. I haven't been to the movies since
I started reading it. The truth is -- your more entertaining
than the movies themselves.
Now would you please explain to use who Wanda Bodine, Cherry
Dilday, May Ellen Masters, and Vida Stegall are?
A Real Woman
Stephanie White
Pine Bluff, ARK
P.S. We like Budweiser too.
Dear Stephanie,
Honey, where YOU been? I'm trying to FORGET those bimbos.
*
Dear Joe Bob,
In the April 29th issue you have, in your conversation with
Bootsie, used the word "awesome" twice and once you also finished
it with "really".
I cannot believe that Joe Bob Briggs, a full blooded
American is turning Californian.
Disappointed,
R. Roy
Dallas
Dear R.:
No way, Jose! I was using "awesome" before those punkola french-
fry-head orange-haired geeks ever heard the word. It's sickening
when it gets so you can't use the language anymore because a
bunch of sleaze-ball surfers muck it up.
*
Dear Joe Bob,
I've been reading your column regularly for about 2 months.
It's disgusting and perverted. I never see the movies you
review. But your descriptions humor me. I've always been fond
of black humor.
I can't imagine anyone thinking and acting as you have
described yourself. So, I must conclude that you are a person
who is also fond of black humor.
Sincerely,
A Refined Lady
P.S. I don't know. Perhaps you are a disgusting, perverted,
wayward, debased degenerative, low-foreheaded, burping women
molester who enjoys these movies while drooling, moaning, and
fantasizing.
Dear Lady,
I resent the remark about my forehead.
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[Reprinted without permisison from the Dallas Times Herald: May
6, 1983]
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