BowlesSR.dlos@PARC-MAXC.ARPA (06/02/83)
w in right here that France has gone communist, and so nothing works right over here. Like the last time I tried to send an article back from France, the lady at Western Union *claimed* she didn't know how to spell garbonza. That's how they get you--some ridiculous little thing like that. You gotta watch those frogs.) Okay, so you're probly thinking, "Okay, Joe Bob, what in heck are you still doing over there, laying on the beach or something?" Course not. Beaches are fairly disgusting anywhere you go, even Padre, but over here they're skinny little numbers with rocks on them, and even if there weren't a lot of pitiful little French garbonzas out there, I wouldn't go near the place because you might not know this, but they never learned to shave their armpit hair over here. That's a true by-God fact. Pitiful. Nope. What I been doing is finding the best durn outdoor flick of 1983. And I wanta tell you, it hasn't been easy. I'm kind of proud of myself, because a lot of people say, "Joe Bob, you're a sexist and a jerk, but mostly you're just a sexist." I'd like to disprove that right here and now. We're talking Amazon women. We're talking humongous, if you know what I mean. We're talking so many dead bodies that even Joe Bob couldn't count 'em. We're talking "Hundra." "Hundra" is this flick about a blonde bimbo who's the only one to get out alive when her nomad Amazon woman camp is raped and pillaged and burned up by a bunch of boys from the next town. I'm telling you, these bimbos get hacked up until it's chop suey city. You may be wondering why Hundra don't get sliced into a salami sandwich with all the others. It's because she's out "getting meat" for the tribe. Hundra is played by Laurene Landon, who was a lady wrestler in "All the Marbles" and is quite a fine fox, but when she gets back to the village of pillage she's p.o.ed. These Vikings in horn hats are finishing everything off. Heads are rolling. Paint the forest red. The works. Then the Viking geeks see Hundra, and they take off on horseback after her, only she stops behind a rock and starts picking them off with a bow and arrow. She has to take on about 30 of them at once. She goes for knives, pickaxe, regular axes, and those little stars that you spin through the air and hope they land in somebody's throat. But her main weapon is she hicks 'em in the legs, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Finishes 'em all off, doesn't even get her hair dirty. Time to go see the old lady of the tribe, sitting on her throne in a cave. The old lady says, well, Hundra, that's too bad about the village of pillage, but, hey, get with the program, you gotta go get pregnant or there's no more tribe. Hundra says, "No man will ever penetrate by body, with his sword or himself." I'm very familiar with this line, and I have to give credit to the old lady, she handled it pretty well. Convinced Hundra she had to head south to the land of the sign of the bull, but before Hundra gets there, she's attacked by a painted midget with a pitchfork. Hundra doesn't kill the little guy but she does take his pitchfork and break it in half. I should have mentioned before--Hundra loves to break spears in half. Next Hundra decides to take a bath in the ocean while riding on her horse. Good for Hundra. Anyway, I gotta leave out a bunch of Hundra's adventures, but it finally comes down to Hundra going to the walled city of the Sign of the Bull, where women are herded up like cattle and fed to the slobbering men in the castle. It's a fairly good place to get pregnant, since that's about all the women do there, but for some reason Hundra doesn't care for it. There's only one guy Hundra want to do it to her, but the guy thinks Hundra is one big turnoff. So she has to learn the arts of being a woman before the guy will agree to ... well, let me just say that Hundra does go back for more. We're talking outdoor classic. We're talking the kind of stuff you can't say in the paper, especially in communist countries. We are talking in excess of 70 corpses. Heads roll repeatedly. We're only talking 14 breasts because I don't count the dead ones. No motor vehicle chases, but one orgy makes up for it. Great Kung Fu. I'm afraid I need an immediate drive-in premiere so I can award this movie the four stars it deserves and start it on the ladder of success. I've got France checked out now, and I gotta get out of the country anyhow because Wanda Bodine showed up over here despite all my efforts to prevent it. We're talking a madwoman. Check you later. ---------------------------------------------------------------- JOE BOB'S MAILBAG Dear Quiche Breath: Your philanthropy and patriotism in sponsoring Breast Awareness Week is highly commendable and for such concern toward the female side of the general public, I salute you! However, being a person of the female persuasion I do have a few complaints about sex discrimination in modern filmmaking. Since you seem to have such a caring and sympathetic attitude toward women (nekkid or otherwise), I felt that you were the specific person to contact. M do not know precisely how represive the high sheriffs of the Times Herald are in their censorship (or how severely they will beat you (you know you love it!) if you attempt to print this) but, here goes! Numero uno: I want to see some male flesh (we're talking [censored]) on the screen! Numero two-o: How about some women (besides that sniveling weenie-breath Jamie Lee Curtis) getting mad and stomping mudholes (and walking them dry) in some of these creepola perverts that are ALWAYS abusing poor, naive bimbos and porkchops! Numero Three-o: We need some men in cages flicks (with women guards of course)!... I await you championship of my holy crusade with bated breath! Very truly yours, Josephine Roberta Dallas Dear Josephine: Numero uno: Check out "Screwballs" for male exposure. Numero two-o: This summer you can check out "Play Dead." Yvonne de Carlo lives in a big house on Armstrong Parkway with her killer dog Greta. Numero three-o: Men in cages? You didn't see "Penitentiary II"? Gimme a break. * ---------------------------------------------------------------- Reprinted without permission from Dallas Times Herald, May 27, 1983. ----------------------------------------------------------------