BowlesSR.dlos@PARC-MAXC.ARPA (06/02/83)
w in right here that France has gone
communist, and so nothing works right over here. Like the last
time I tried to send an article back from France, the lady at
Western Union *claimed* she didn't know how to spell garbonza.
That's how they get you--some ridiculous little thing like that.
You gotta watch those frogs.)
Okay, so you're probly thinking, "Okay, Joe Bob, what in
heck are you still doing over there, laying on the beach or
something?" Course not. Beaches are fairly disgusting anywhere
you go, even Padre, but over here they're skinny little numbers
with rocks on them, and even if there weren't a lot of pitiful
little French garbonzas out there, I wouldn't go near the place
because you might not know this, but they never learned to shave
their armpit hair over here. That's a true by-God fact.
Pitiful.
Nope. What I been doing is finding the best durn outdoor
flick of 1983. And I wanta tell you, it hasn't been easy.
I'm kind of proud of myself, because a lot of people say,
"Joe Bob, you're a sexist and a jerk, but mostly you're just a
sexist." I'd like to disprove that right here and now.
We're talking Amazon women.
We're talking humongous, if you know what I mean.
We're talking so many dead bodies that even Joe Bob couldn't
count 'em.
We're talking "Hundra."
"Hundra" is this flick about a blonde bimbo who's the only
one to get out alive when her nomad Amazon woman camp is raped
and pillaged and burned up by a bunch of boys from the next town.
I'm telling you, these bimbos get hacked up until it's chop suey
city.
You may be wondering why Hundra don't get sliced into a
salami sandwich with all the others. It's because she's out
"getting meat" for the tribe.
Hundra is played by Laurene Landon, who was a lady wrestler
in "All the Marbles" and is quite a fine fox, but when she gets
back to the village of pillage she's p.o.ed. These Vikings in
horn hats are finishing everything off. Heads are rolling.
Paint the forest red. The works.
Then the Viking geeks see Hundra, and they take off on
horseback after her, only she stops behind a rock and starts
picking them off with a bow and arrow. She has to take on about
30 of them at once.
She goes for knives, pickaxe, regular axes, and those little
stars that you spin through the air and hope they land in
somebody's throat. But her main weapon is she hicks 'em in the
legs, if you know what I mean and I think you do.
Finishes 'em all off, doesn't even get her hair dirty. Time
to go see the old lady of the tribe, sitting on her throne in a
cave. The old lady says, well, Hundra, that's too bad about the
village of pillage, but, hey, get with the program, you gotta go
get pregnant or there's no more tribe.
Hundra says, "No man will ever penetrate by body, with his
sword or himself."
I'm very familiar with this line, and I have to give credit
to the old lady, she handled it pretty well. Convinced Hundra
she had to head south to the land of the sign of the bull, but
before Hundra gets there, she's attacked by a painted midget with
a pitchfork. Hundra doesn't kill the little guy but she does
take his pitchfork and break it in half. I should have mentioned
before--Hundra loves to break spears in half.
Next Hundra decides to take a bath in the ocean while riding
on her horse. Good for Hundra.
Anyway, I gotta leave out a bunch of Hundra's adventures,
but it finally comes down to Hundra going to the walled city of
the Sign of the Bull, where women are herded up like cattle and
fed to the slobbering men in the castle. It's a fairly good
place to get pregnant, since that's about all the women do there,
but for some reason Hundra doesn't care for it. There's only one
guy Hundra want to do it to her, but the guy thinks Hundra is one
big turnoff. So she has to learn the arts of being a woman
before the guy will agree to ... well, let me just say that
Hundra does go back for more.
We're talking outdoor classic. We're talking the kind of
stuff you can't say in the paper, especially in communist
countries. We are talking in excess of 70 corpses. Heads roll
repeatedly. We're only talking 14 breasts because I don't count
the dead ones. No motor vehicle chases, but one orgy makes up
for it. Great Kung Fu. I'm afraid I need an immediate drive-in
premiere so I can award this movie the four stars it deserves and
start it on the ladder of success.
I've got France checked out now, and I gotta get out of the
country anyhow because Wanda Bodine showed up over here despite
all my efforts to prevent it. We're talking a madwoman.
Check you later.
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JOE BOB'S MAILBAG
Dear Quiche Breath:
Your philanthropy and patriotism in sponsoring Breast
Awareness Week is highly commendable and for such concern toward
the female side of the general public, I salute you! However,
being a person of the female persuasion I do have a few
complaints about sex discrimination in modern filmmaking. Since
you seem to have such a caring and sympathetic attitude toward
women (nekkid or otherwise), I felt that you were the specific
person to contact.
M do not know precisely how represive the high sheriffs of
the Times Herald are in their censorship (or how severely they
will beat you (you know you love it!) if you attempt to print
this) but, here goes!
Numero uno: I want to see some male flesh (we're talking
[censored]) on the screen!
Numero two-o: How about some women (besides that sniveling
weenie-breath Jamie Lee Curtis) getting mad and stomping mudholes
(and walking them dry) in some of these creepola perverts that
are ALWAYS abusing poor, naive bimbos and porkchops!
Numero Three-o: We need some men in cages flicks (with
women guards of course)!...
I await you championship of my holy crusade with bated
breath!
Very truly yours,
Josephine Roberta
Dallas
Dear Josephine:
Numero uno: Check out "Screwballs" for male exposure.
Numero two-o: This summer you can check out "Play Dead."
Yvonne de Carlo lives in a big house on Armstrong Parkway with
her killer dog Greta.
Numero three-o: Men in cages? You didn't see "Penitentiary
II"? Gimme a break.
*
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Reprinted without permission from Dallas Times Herald, May 27,
1983.
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