BowlesSR.dlos@PARC-MAXC.ARPA (06/18/83)
y.
Okay, okay, I know, we got nine breasts. But they're all on
this *one* bimbo from France whoh goes around saying stuff like,
"You caaaahn't just buurst into a person's life and just blow it
all up like this." He's Richard Gere, honey, and he can bust up
what he wants. Remember when Gere got nekkid in Dianen Keaton's
apartment and started going gonzo because of Nam and he jerked
out this switchblade and started breathing hard through his teeth
and jumping around like he was high on industrial-strength Comet
cleanser? That's one of my favorite scenes, but Gere's been
doing indoor bullstuff ever since.
Now we got Gere messing around with chicks who han't got no
respect for the English language.
Best thing about this flick is all the Jerry Lee Lewis
tunes, but what the hey, I saw the original footage -- "Rock
Around the Clock," "High School Confidential" -- and apparently
these turkeys couldn't afford Jerry Lee himself because they just
have Gere playing a bunch of wimp cassette tapes. Gere starts
out in Vegas, hot-wiring this Porsche, and then tooling across
the desert playing chicken with eighteen-wheelers.
Now I would like to say just one thing right here before we
go any farther. I have no personal knowledge of any techniques
used to borrow the motor vehicles of others. I have never
knowingly accepted a ride in a vehicle of the stolen persuasion.
I do not have any idea of what Gus Simpson is referring to when
he uses words like "stealing some squealing wheels for the
weekend." The plates on my '73 Toronado are legal in most
states. I know nothing about the midnight paint jobs at Gus
Simpson's Auto Repair on Highway 80.
Okay, like I was saying, all Richard Gere does in this flick
is grand theft auto. First this cop runs him down in the middle
of the desert, and Gere has to *accidentally* blow him away
(sure, Dickie). Only then he freaks out and heads for L.A. and
pulls a breaking-and-entering at Valerie Kaprisky's apartment.
Valerie is the French after-dinner mint Gere wants to get a taste
of. He met her in Vegas, only she went to L.A. to build
cardboard houses in college. Gere steals a pink car to make her
happy, but she won't fork over the groceries, if you know what I
mean and I think you do. So Gere goes and reads comic books for
a while and then he goes back to the bimbo's apartment and gets
nekkid and puts on a Meskin sombrero and sits in bed waiting for
her so that when she comes home he can say my favorite line of
the movie, which is "Show me your ..." Actually, I can't say
what my favorite line of the movie is because of recent
*restrictions* placed on my First Amendment rights by the owners
of this newspaper and several other big companies that could
pretty much grind me into the dirt like a wet french fry.
Then Gere and Valerie go swimming.
Then Gere and Valerie take a shower.
Then Gere and Valerie take a nap.
If you know what I mean.
And I think you do.
Next thing is, Valerie's pregnant. This takes about five
minutes for her to get pregnant, but Richard is not the swiftest
human being that ever fell off a turnip truck, so he believes
her. He has to go steal another motor vehicle so they can go to
Mexico, only when he takes this beautiful T-Bird to the Goss-on-
Ross of L.A. city, the junkyard creepola won't fork over the 1200
bucks and so Gere has to steal another one, and then after the
cops catch him and Valerie at this Meskin dancehall warehouse,
they have to steal another one which they run smack over a tire-
treadle dealie like the ones they have at the Gemini, only Gere
goes over it backwards and cuts up a set of Firestone Radials so
bad it makes you want to puke.
Then Gere and Valerie go to this movie house and hide behind
the screen and start rooting around back there, and after that
they go to a used-car lot and pick out a red El Dorado and he
steals it for her and then they go to sleep in the car up on a
mountain in Hollywood, and the next morning it's curtains for
Gere.
That's about it. By the time the cops figure out what's
going on, Gere has more time on grand theft auto stuff than he
does on the dead cop. All this proves is that you need to think
up a good story to have a good flick, you just can't go out on
the streets and point the camera and take pictures of what's
going on every day. No originality in this flick. To give you
some idea, Joyce Pribble was so bummed out that after the shower
stuff, I let her take off her shoulder restraints and she kept
her clothes on the *entire* evening even though she'll normally
pop her top every time she hears the national anthem.
Not "Breastless," but only nine little ones. Heads do not
roll. Excellent motor vehicle chases, but only three of 'em.
Good psycho driving by Gere. No kung fu. No creatures. Great
Jerry Lee Lewis tunes. One and a half corpses because of the
indoor-bullstuff ending. Valerie Kaprisky is a "7."
It's no "Gas Pump Girls," but it's okay. Two stars.
Joe Bob says check it out.
*
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Time for the Joe Bob Briggs International Report. We got
Communist bimbo problems in Italy:
TRIESTE, Italy (AP)--A candidate for local office who takes
off all her clothes before delivering outdoor speeches in defense
of nude sunbathing is causing some headaches for the Communists
in this northern Italian community.
Dora Pezzilli, 36, is known in the press as "quella che si
spoglia nuda"--the one who strips naked.
She's running as a candidate for the regional legislature in
the electoral list officially backed by the Communists.
Miss Pezzilli, known for her crusades for the welfare of
prostitutes, was quoted by the Rome daily La Repubblica as saying
that she wanted to dramatize the "plight of nudists who are being
deprived of freedom." Specifically, she calls for the repeal of
a ban on nude sunbathing in public beaches and pools.
"There's been a negative reaction from her running mates,"
says Giovanni Zanolin. He heads the Communist Party in
Pordenone, which is within the same region where Miss Pezzilli is
running.
She started her nude candidacy with three speeches on the
beach last week.
When the Communists start using garbonzas for political
ends, I'm sorry, but I just can't contain myself. I'm getting
some photos of this porkchop so we can see just how sick she is.
Probly can't help herself. I know a few like that myself, and if
this keeps up, we'll just have to get some of Wanda's girls to
drop their tops in Thanks-Giving Square and show 'em how it's
done in non-Communist countries: We sweep 'em right off the
street.
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[Reprinted without permission from the Dallas Times Herald, June
17, 1983]
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