oscar@utcsrgv.UUCP (Oscar M. Nierstrasz) (05/18/84)
Just thought all you wunnerful folks out there in net.land
might like to know what's in store for you if you plan to
visit sunny Crete this summer ...
Oscar Nierstrasz
Reprinted with permission:
Date: Sun, 13 May 84 19:15:31 -0300
From: decvax!mcvax!ariadne!tugs (Stephen Hull)
To: mcvax!decvax!utcsrgv!oscar
Subject: Re: films
From: mcvax!decvax!utcsrgv!oscar
Date: Fri, 11 May 84 22:25:48 edt
To: decvax!mcvax!ariadne!tugs
Subject: films
All of this is designed (of course) to drive home to you that
there *are* no films to see in Crete! (snicker)
Hah! I'll have you know that Tonight I'm seeing "For A Few Dollars More"
over at the Astoria. The bad guy is played by Klaus Kinski(!). Over at
the Apollo they're showing "The Marquis de Sade's Justin and Juliet", with
the Marquis played by Klaus Kinski(?).
Two weeks ago, I saw (for the first time) East of Eden, but it was
disappointing -- I was hoping to see Klaus Kinski(*) in it.
Zelig just finished and The Hunger starts tomorrow. But the best of all is...
This absolutely wonderful bad movie called "The New Barbarians". I looked
at the stills outside the theatre and realised then and there that it was
a "Road Warrior" rip-off, so I *had* to go and see it. The stills had such
things as Mohawk-bedecked baddies dressed in New Wave football harnesses,
riding around in some demented industrial designer's idea of what dune
buggies and motorcycles should look like. The buggies always had two people,
one driving and one standing up in the back. There was no reason for the
one in the back to stand up -- there was another seat in the front, and
there was nothing *in* the back -- but they stood up in the back in Road
Warrior, so...
Anyway, the movie starts out as if it's gonna be Road Warrior retold
from the psychopaths' point of view. Then the Mel Gibson clone comes along --
he has to be the hero, because he's the only one in the movie with an
American car. Note that this movie takes place in the year 2019 A.D. after
the inevitable Deluge, and the hero drives what is obviously a ~1974 Firebird
with a flashy body job.
Another point about the cars and such. Even though this is Barren
Wasteland, all the machines are gleaming new, snazzy-looking and equipped
with the most fantastic devices. Here's where the Feral Kid clone comes in.
Instead of being a primitive, he's a blond-haired, blue-eyed prodigy who
lives in a converted van and builds amazing weapons for the hero's
car (heat-seeking missiles) and person (plastic armor that withstands a
nasty gunshot at point blank range), and to top it off, tunes up his engine
with what looks like a handful of sparklers. You know that the technology for
the engine and weapons is beyond our knowledge, because everything has a
funny sound effect accompanying it -- and the hood of the car is automatic.
Also, where the Feral Kid had a boomerang, this brat has a slingshot...
Anyway, the hero rescues a beautiful Italian babe and they get it on.
Then, after a while they come across a colony of religious types who they
decide to try saving from the bad guys.
About the bad guys: they're very consciously and deliberately killing
everyone on the planet left, not for gas (they don't need gas in the 21st
century, Dad!), but because they think its their mission -- the human race
destroyed the world, so the world should be purged of them.
Of course, the hero has a special relationship with the baddies -- seems they
wanted him to join them, but he didn't, but they didn't kill him because he was
too tough, and besides there wouldn't be a movie if they did.
Now for the Gyro Captain clone. This one's quite different -- they replaced
him with a black guy who has a bow and arrows with a variety of exploding
tips, good for blowing people's heads off and stuff like that. He spends
the whole movie trying to be a REAL COOL SPADE, but doesn't quite cut the
mustard -- he basically comes off as a REAL BORING SPADE. He gets a woman,
just like the Captain, but she's some sort of concubine or something.
Anyway, just when you thought the bad guys were bad enough, they add a
REALLY NOVEL TWIST to get up the ire of all the rednecks in the audience.
It seems that all the bad guys are HOMOSEXUALS!!!!!!! And the leader wants
to stick his weenie in the bum of the hero. He does, too, but he's interrupted
by one of those messengers who always come in and interrupt things.
Anyway, just when you thought you'd seen all the ripoffs you can take,
they have the hero escape and get ready with the spade for THE BIG SHOWDOWN.
If you try to make real time sense out of this part (you shouldn't), it
seems that while the baddies are holding the goodies captive so the head
baddie can give his long boring speech before killing them all off, the
hero recuperates with the spade, his scars all heal (bit by bit), he practices
and becomes a lightning draw, and he and the spade visit the Feral clone
who outfits the hero with armor and adds several new things to his car,
and goes with them to find the baddies. Evidently the head baddie intends
to bore the captives to death with a two-week long speech.
So the showdown comes -- and the hero comes out WEARING A PONCHO, just
like Clint Eastwood in the movie I'm gonna see tonight (q.v.). They
never even draw, and have a long boring shootout in which most of the goodies
get killed except for the beautiful babe, the three goodie fighters and
some token extras. At the end, the hero stands between the beautiful
babe and the Feral clone, and the clone takes his hand. He looks off into
space with a stunned look on his space. Can this be the nuclear family restored
on Earth? Who gives a f*ck.
So anyway, next time you think we don't see movies here, just think about
the last time "The New Barbarians" played Toronto -- at the Rio, no doubt.
steve