trb@drutx.UUCP (BuckleyTR) (07/22/84)
from The Review of The News, July 18, 1984:
***********************************************************************
PUMPING IRONY
After the unenthusiastic critical reception given to "Conan The
Barbarian," some of us wondered if even the muscles of Arnold
Schwarzenegger could bear the weight of a sequel. Now that "Conan The
Destroyer" is upon us, one is forced to admit that all those years of
pumping iron have paid off for the champion body-builder.
Arnold is seen here decked out in his iron sweatband and little else,
twirling a sword that would take two ordinary men to lift, flexing
biceps that resemble the Goodyear blimp and thighs the size of the
World Trade towers. He grunts and groans his way through the labors
of an itinerant career executioner in the "Hyborean Age," a mythical
era that fits somewhere in between the Brawn and Bronze Ages.
This time, under the direction of Richard Fleischer, not one of
Arnold's muscles is allowed to go unflexed. Indeed, for the first
time on the screen, even his facial muscles are contorted upward to
indicate that Conan has developed a sense of humor. This refreshing
new trait is put to best use early in the sequel to the amusement of
those who recall that the first film drew considerable controversy and
even a boycott from animal lovers who objected to a scene in which
Conan slugged a camel. Upon encountering the same camel in the
sequel, Conan apologizes to the beast for his misdeed. When the camel
issues a rude response, Conan promptly gives the creature another
mighty wallop. Say what you will about this Bronze Age barbarian,
you've got to admire his brass.
With the gargantuan Wilt Chamberlain as an enemy, and rock-star Grace
Jones as an ally, Conan has more to worry about than the wrath of the
Humane Society. Sultry Sarah Douglas portrays a wicked queen who
dupes Conan into accompanying a young princess (Olivia D'Abo) on a
quest for a magic jewel, for which they must hack through an evil
wizard, an ill-temepered cult, and a reptilian ogre. Unbeknownst to
Conan, the queen has some reprehensible schemes of her own to enact
when they return, including the assination of Conan and the
involuntary enlistment of the princess for a virgin sacrifice. To
insure that the princess will continue to qualify for the scheduled
ceremony, the queen dispatches Chamberlain on the journey as the
lady's protector. It might have been wiser just to put more clothes
on the kid.
Off to see the wizard go Conan, his wimpy sidekick (Tracey Walter),
the princess, and Wilt Chamberlain, who presents a physical spectacle
to rival Schwarzenegger, dragging his feet from a tall horse, wielding
a spiked club, and sporting headgear that looks as if it belongs on
the Statue of Liberty. Along the way they recruit the services of
Mako, in a repeat performance as a friendly wizard who provides
magical aid and comic relief as needed, and flat-topped Grace Jones as
a gaunt warrior who swings a mean stick and travels light in an
armor-plated bikini.
In keeping with the established standards of the Saturday matinees,
complications ensue as the team runs afoul of a diversity of foes, a
traitor is exposed, and the princess starts panting after Conan. Most
of these difficulties are easily remedied with a few swipes of a sword
or the tossing of a boulder.
A PG rating has been forged to this Universal release to warn of
constant violence, microscopic costuming, and (unfulfilled) sexual
advances.
***********************************************************************
The Review of The News, 395 Concord Ave., Belmont, Mass. 02178
***********************************************************************
Tom Buckley
...drutx!trb