Sanchez.dlos@XEROX.ARPA (07/24/84)
To all Joe Bob followers: After a two week hiatus in typing of the columns due to a group move to our new place of residence in Lewisville, Texas; Joe Bob makes his triumphant return to the net. So here is this week's column for all you Joe Bob addicts out in the real world. Enjoy. Miguel -------------------------------------------------------------- MCNEIL-LAIR MISQUOTE RUFFLES JOE BOB'S FEATHERS; "CEMETERY" FLICK DISCOVERED. Everybody thinks it was my fault about the international incident on the pinko Eastern Establishment socialist TV channel last week when the plug got pulled on "McNeil-Lehrer Report." I was misquoted, AS USUSAL. This bimbo reporter from Austin goes on there to talk about Geraldine Ferraro, and what hapens? Communist censorship. I've said it once and I'm gonna say it again, cause you turkeys never seem to learn, but do not trust ANYTHING you hear in the media. The PBS network is some kind of conspiracy deal, cause if you notice, they don't have commercials on there and they show Gene Kelly movies in prime time. We're talking some sick people. Now I'm gonna tell you what happened. Last week Fritz ignored my advice on putting Cherry Dilday on the ticket and went for the kinky kompromise. So, of course, I was besieged by reporters asking for my reaction to the obvious betrayal of the Texas vote and the thousands of men who have slept with Cherry on a personal basis. So one of these hacks was named Molly Ivins and they had her on "McNeil/Liar" being interviewed by this other bimbo named Charlayne Hunter-Gault who, if you've seen her, looks like she has to strap on her face with a piece of baling wire so there won't be any creases in it. Charlayne asks questions in a way that kind of reminds you of Vincent Price after he's been smoking Arkansas Polio Weed for three days. Anyhow, Charlayne had pretty much committed mass murder by putting the western third of the United States into a deep coma, when this Ivins woman says, "I called up Joe Bob Briggs to find out what he thought about Geraldine Ferraro," and Charlayne says who the heck is Joe Bob Briggs, and Molly says who Joe Bob is, and Charlayne says that's interesting and what did he say, and Molly says, "Well, Joe Bob said he really liked Geraldine's garbonzas." That's when the turkeys pulled the plug. Now I'd just like to clear the air here and say two things about these PBS monkeys: Numero Uno: Molly Ivins should definitely get credit for being the first human bean to use the word "garbonzas" on network teevee, but she got it wrong. I would never speak that way about a public official. What I actually said was, "Geraldine Ferraro has at least two enormous talents." I think you can see they way the media's trying to twist my words around here. Numero Two-o: If PBS would check their facts once in a while, they'd find out that I can personally verify my remarks. The election of a vice president is no laughing matter, and I'm putting my career on the line here. Now I think if they'd get their reporters in gear, they'd also find out that Geraldine has a voice that sounds a little like a big fingernail scratch across a 45 record of the Stones "Gimme Shelter." This is probly not a big problem for Fritz, so long as Geraldine'll agree to go through the entire campaign with a bag over her head. I know it would be uncomfortable, but let's face it, Geraldine, you're doing it for women all over America. It's the symbolism of the thing that matters. ------------ Speaking of symbolism, our old friend Lucio Fulci, Big Lucy, the main man in Italy, just came out with a new flick called "House by the Cemetery." As we all know, Big Lucy has been doing the best Italian ripoffs since "Hercules," stuff like "Gates of Hell" last year and "Suspiria" and, well, you know, the classics. This one starts off with some fairly heavy symbolism. A teenage kid gets some scissors rammed through his heart and then his girlfriend has a knife stuck through the back of her head so it comes out her mouth. I know, I know, you've seen it before, but Big Lucy likes to hold that camera steady for a long time while the knife goes through and run up that Vomit Meter rating. I think Big Lucy is really trying to tell us something about teenage violence in America and I would encourage you to take the kids to this one. "House by the Cemetery" is about this typical American family that is real happy except they can't understand why they look like Italians. They don't worry about it, though; they just pack up and move to New England and buy the house where the teenagers just got shis-ka-bobbed. Soon as they get there, their little blond-headed kid starts seeing visions of this spooky little Sissy Spacek girl who tells him not to go into the durn house. She makes her point by cutting the heads off her dolls and making blood pour out, but the symbolism is too heavy for the kid, he can't figure out what the heck she means by that. So then the father goes off to study about this Dr. Freudstein character who used to live in the house, and while he's gone the babysitter comes over and hears a baby crying down in the cellar and she goes down there to check it out and gets attacked by a bat. Now maybe you don't think that sounds very disgusting. You han't seen this bat. We're talking a huge bloodsucker that keeps coming back and spewing slime all over the room and diving straight at the bimbo's face. The father has to gore the bat to death with a big ole set of scissors. Next thing, the mother of the family is dusting and cleaning and she notices that in one of the rooms there's a grave in the floor. Course, she doesn't think anything about it. But then she starts hearing these noises down there. When her husband Norman gets home, he has to give her a bunch of Valium. "It's bad enough living next to a cemetery," she says, "but do we have to live with a tomb in our hallway?" He tells her yes they do and to get a hold of herself. Then this zombie realtor comes by to check on the family and nobody's home, so she starts walking around in the house and the tomb cracks open and swallows up her leg and something with scales on it comes up out of the basement and goes to work with a crowbar; stomach first, then the chest, then the jugular, and I believe we may be talking more actual blood here than we've seen since "Nightmare." Then there's some plot about Dr. Freudstein. And what ends up happening is this little spook girl keeps saying "Go away, do not go in," and the Family Stupid keeps saying, "Hey, how about we go down in the cellar and see if there's any more bats down there." And what we end up with is a new record: enough liquid to open a Plasma Center. One throat-cutting, slow motion, ear-to-ear, three times on the same lady. Two heads roll. One head rolls down the stairs. Underground meatlocker scene, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Maggots in the throat. Great slime glopola lizard-face genetic-DNA creature attack. Nine dead bodies. An 82 on the Vomit Meter. Twelve gallons blood. One beast. Two breasts. No kung fu. No motor vehicle chases. One of Big Lucy's best. Three and a half stars. Joe Bob says check it out. JOE BOB'S MAILBAG JOE BOB REMINDS YOU THAT GERMANY LOST EVERY SINGLE DRIVE-IN IT HAD DURING WORLD WAR II AND NEVER FOUND THE MONEY TO REBUILD. WITHOUT ETERNAL VIGILANCE, IT COULD HAPPEN HERE. TO DISCUSS THE MEANING OF LIFE WITH JOE BOB BRIGGS, OR TO GET A COPY OF THE GERALDINE FERRARO JOKE THE HIGH SHERIFFS WON'T LET JOE BOB PUT IN THE PAPER, WRITE JOE BOB BRIGGS, P.O. BOX 225445, DALLAS, TX 75222. To the Editor: I fail to see the humor in Joe Bob Briggs' piece about DAMM (Drunks Against Mad Mothers.) MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers) deals with too sensitive and too painful an issue to be ridiculed. Futhermore, Joe Bob Briggs' "cute" condonation of screen violence, pronography, rape, and drunkeness is highly objectionable and offensive if not to good taste, at least to "normal" taste. From now on, I will not bother finding out what Mr. Briggs' analysis of his "meaning of life" is. Yours truly, Claudie Hudson Dallas Dear Claudie: I don't know what this MADD organization is, but if you keep using our letters to try to confuse people, you're asking for a lawsuit, buddy. Hey Joe Bob, My name is Bill, I'm from Cleveland, Ohio, and I want to join Drunks Against Mad Mothers (DAMM). How do I join. The Real B. Lazirko Parma Hts., Ohio P.S. Did you ever review "Slumber Party Massacre"? I was drunk when I saw it and I want to know what it is about. Dear Real: I was sober when I saw it and I don't know what it's about either. Joe Bob Briggs - What sort of man reads Joe Bob Briggs? Men who watch Joe Bob Briggs' kind of movies. Joe Bob Briggs' kind of movies are visual Muzak for the frontally lobotomized. Joe Bob Briggs' kind of movies are lava lamps for the search and maim set. Joe Bob Briggs' kind of movies are soundtracks for the "Beat my girlfriend silly over the head with a Lone Star longneck for goin' out with that country singer, and then dumping her over a cliff at Eagle Mountain Lake and partyin' til dawn with my buddies" kind of man. Joe Bob Briggs is the Dr. Gene Scott of Rank, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Craig Whatley formerly of Denton & Ft. Worthless, TX San Rafael, Calif. Dear Craig: What? I've told you guys before and I don't want to have to repeat it, but lay off that prescription stuff that comes up from Mexico.