Poskanzer.PA@XEROX.ARPA@sri-unix.UUCP (08/23/84)
From: Jef Poskanzer <Poskanzer.PA@XEROX.ARPA>
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Political Analyst
Dallas
We have the results of the first annual Joe Bob Briggs "How Publican Are
You?" poll.
Numero uno: What is your sex?
a. Male
b. Bimbo
c. Wimp
d. Lesbo
Results: The Publican Party is 79 percent wimps, 19 percent bimbos and 2
percent undecided.
Numero two-o: How ugly are you?
a. Ugly in a Stick.
b. Purina Dog Chow.
c. Moderate resemblance to a Walt Disney cartoon character.
d. I only got two words to say: Oink Oink.
Results: We're talking enough pure-dee Ugly to make gasahol.
Numero three-o: Do you own a nuke?
a. Yes.
b. No.
c. Yes, but only for sports purposes.
d. Yes, but it's displayed in a permanent nuke rack in the back
window of my pick up.
Results: Only 78 percent of Publicans have access to nukes, and 100
percent promised not to use them unless somebody makes 'em mad.
Numero four-o: Do you get any on the side?
a. It's against my religion.
b. Yes.
Results: All of the above.
Numero five-o: Have you ever used the f-word?
a. No.
b. Absolutely not.
c. F--- no.
Results: Publicans only use the f-word when it's part of their job.
Numero six-o: What kind of wheels do you have?
a. Mercedes.
b. Ferrari.
c. Luciano Pavarotti.
d. Ferraro.
Results: Publicans refuse to answer because of the Detroit vote.
Numero seven-o: Have you ever thought of killing yourself?
a. It's against the law.
b. Yes, but it didn't work.
c. How do you think I got to be a Publican?
Results: Contrary to what many people believe, only about half of the
Publicans at the convention are actually dead. The rest are part of the
new progressive wing of the party.
Numero eight-o: Do you own any albums by Mantovani or the Hollywood
Strings?
a. Mantovani only.
b. Strings only.
c. Everything except the new "jazzy" versions.
d. They call me Mr. Muzak.
e. The complete frontal lobotomy record collection.
Results: These people should be kept in cages at K-mart.
Numero nine-o: Are you going to the Sinatra party?
a. Yes, Frank's a close personal friend.
b. No, Frank's a close personal friend but I never go to those things.
c. Yes, Frank called me and said he'd like me to be there.
d. No, Frank is going to be too busy to have one more close personal
friend around. I can see Frank anytime I want.
e. No, I'm catching a plane to Vegas to give Sammy and Dean a personal
message from Frank.
Results: The number of people going to Frank's party is equal to the
population of Botswana. I'll see you turkeys over there. Frank hasn't
sent over the invitation yet, but it's only a matter of time. Let's
face it, the man is a drive-in kind of guy. Check you tomorrow.
Copyright 1984, Dallas-Times Herald. Distributed by Los Angeles Times
Syndicate