victorf@houca.UUCP (09/06/84)
I wonder, have any of you seen the newest 'martial arts' gem? I'm of course
talking about _Ninja Mission_. If you haven't seen it yet be sure to miss it,
unless, like me, you can find some kind of perverse humor in bad acting,
bad writing, bad plot, let's just say, bad EVERYTHING.
This movie is the most violent, bloodiest thing to ever hit a screen. This
normally wouldn't be a problem with me. A certain amount of violence can
make a film exciting, especially when combined with suspense. _Ninja Mission_
was not exciting because the violence never stopped. You got 15 minutes
of machine guns then 2 minutes of bad acting then 20 minutes of machine
guns and so on.
And speaking of machine guns, whoever heard of ninja with machine guns? These
guys must have been trained under a very modernized master! I thought this
movie was going to have martial arts in it. Wait, it did. I went out to
get popcorn, came back and my friend told me I had missed some actual
karate action. I waited and waited but I never saw it happen again. A more
appropriate name for this one would have been Machine Gun Mission.
But let me get to the best parts of the movie, the acting and the writing.
This baby featured such classic lines as:
'You're talking crap to me aren't you'
'We know about this crap'
'The fate of the world hangs in the balance'
'This is a code so complex only I can decode it'
'Go **** an Eskimo'
All these lines were said in total seriousness by actors with talent about
equal to that of a warthog. There were spots when I thought I might die from
laughter. Only my three friends and I were laughing at first and we were trying
to hold it in. People were mad at first but soon came to our way of thinking
and by the end the whole audience was laughing. Espcially popular was
the first quote above. That line was delivered with such finesse that
I had a hard time deciding whether or not the actor knew English. This
was partly due to the fact that the voices did not match the movements
of the mouth, which would be fine if the movie was originally done in another
language. As it was it was just stupid, and funny! I pose as a challenge to
the viewer to count how many people get killed. It's hard to do because
the bad guys (the Russians, would you believe) like catching bullets with
various parts of their anatomy; as seen by the way they run directly at
'good guys' (who are IN A BUNKER with AUTOMATIC WEAPONS) with NO PROTECTION!
Yup, this list of casualties may reach into three figures.
See this movie, you'll laugh till you cry... or cry till you laugh.
Scott Thompson
(ihnp4!hoqax!rst)