Trow.pa@XEROX.ARPA (09/21/84)
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From: drlmain@ut-ngp.UUCP (Tim Meluch)
Subject: Joe-Bob does Bolero
Date: Fri, 14-Sep-84 12:26:01 PDT
SUPERSTAR BO TAKES A BATH IN 'BOLERO'
by Joe Bob Briggs (without permission)
Sometimes you go to the drive-in and get so inspired you get goose bumps
on the back of your neck. Sometimes you go and you get so inspired you
get goose bumps on the inside of your thigh. Sometimes you go and get
chiggers on your feet.
Sometimes you don't go.
What I'm trying to say is that there's only a few times in life when you're
watching the movie and in the middle of it something happens and, bingo,
you see how a drive-in superstar is born.
This week is one of those magic moments. It happened. We knew it was
possible, we knew she was coming along all these years, we knew it was only
a matter of time before the bimbo ripped all her clothes off and ran around
acting like a goose that's been wired up for brain research. We knew she
could take a bath better than most actresses in the civilized non-communist
world. We knew she could toss her cookies on the big screen.
What we didn't know is she's also the Oral Roberts of the drive-in: she can
raise male gazebos from the dead.
I'm talking Bo. Not Bobo. Not Bozo. Not Beauregard. But Bo. The one and
only, the one who's spent half her life saying, "Is it time to get nekkid
again, John?" Bo Derek. A woman for the Eighties.
Her new feature is "Bo Lero," and I had to watch it four times before I could
completely understand it. Like there's this one scene where she looks at
George Kennedy and says, "I have to do something I've been dreaming about for
years," and he gets an expression on his face like he just got his foot mashed
in by a Caterpillar forklift, and then the flick goes into Super Slo-Mo, or
Slo-Bo in this case, and she starts running through the grass and tossing her
clothes all over creation and playing peek-a-boo with her buns and doing
aerobicize with her garbonzas.
But this is the kind of thing you have to wait for in the flick. They build
up to it. It's maybe 30, 40 seconds into the movie before she starts jumping
out of her jumpsuits.
OK, here's the plot. Bo's a virgin and she can't find anybody that'll go to
bed with her. Hey, we all know the problem, Bo, we're with you. So
what does she do? She decides to go to the Sahara Desert. When she gets there,
she starts wearing a chandelier on her head so she'll be attractive to the
camel jockeys, but the only guy she can find is this wimp sheik who lays around
smoking coconut juice out of a hippie pipe.
So Bo decides it's not happening in the Sahara, so she packs up her virginity
and goes to Spain to try to force somebody to jump in the sack. Course, now
it's twice as hard, cause everbody's heard she's into camels and honey.
Anyhow, she goes to a bullfight and watches this guy fight a bull on a horse.
The guy never gets down off his horse, and you'd probably think Bo could figure
it out and say, hey, wait a minute, I think you need to get down on the ground
and put a blanket in front of the bull or something like Jose Jimenez used to
do, but they forget to do that and so Bo dresses up in another chandelier and
goes to a goat dinner with the bullfighter and George Kennedy.
Then Bo has to bribe this 13-year-old Gypsy girl to take her to where the
matador lives, but when they get there the guy's making the sign of the two
humped whale in a hot tub with a Gypsy woman, and everbody is just a little
p.o.ed. And then the 13-year-old nympho tells Bo the matador is her man, too,
and Bo says, no way, Jose, but the little munchkin pops her top and says, "I
am a woman, ready, juicy, too."
Then there's almost a bull attack and Bo puts Kleenex in her hair and gets
high on Turkish farm products with another bimbo and then they go buy the
matador's wine company and ride some horses on the beach and then the Gypsy
woman finds out Bo is hanging around and so she starts screaming, "You beech!
You beech! You American beech!" until they bag her and toss her into the
history books. Then, finally, the turkey agrees to go to bed with Bo, and so
to make it sexy, Bo dresses up in a sheet and a spiked helmet and licks the
guy's ear and says, "Will you do everything to me and show me everything I can
do to you?" And the guy says OK and soon 27,000 violins start to play and the
sound about busts out the windshield. Your may think that's it. No more plot.
He goes for the groceries and it's all over.
No way, Jose.
Next scene, the matador gets gored in the gazebos by a bull. Bo starts crying
and says she wants to marry him anyhow. But the matador says no way he can do
that, because there's not any Valvoline in the crankcase. So Bo runs into his
room wearing some German overalls and points at him and says, "That thing is
going to work; I guarantee you it is." And I don't know about you, but it was
just so beautiful the way she said it, I get all choked up remembering it now.
So Bo is gonna raise the dead gazebos. And then the guy screams "Make me whole
again!" and then Bo shows up in the guy's bedroom and sticks her hair in the
water fountain and shakes it on his stomach and throws a cape over his face and
says "Ole!" and then they do a tongue lock and you maybe aren't gonna believe
this, but they go to heaven. We're talking a movie Jerry Falwell should re-
commend to every member of his congregation. They get holy, and the guy gets
the full use of his gazebos back, and we're talking the kind of experience that
makes you want to go back to church and say, "No, Oral, make me whole again!"
We're talking Bo-dacious ta-tas. Bo does everthing. Twenty-eight breasts.
Two snow-capped peaks. Slo-mo. Slo-Bo. Sex with food. Morocco Polio Weed.
One guy in a dress. One wimp sheik. Bo kisses a horse. One 13-year old
nympho. Seven grocery-delivery scenes. Bo takes a bath. Bo takes a swim.
Bo takes a sauna. Bo takes a ride on a horse. Bo takes a swan dive. Two
belly dancers. Three bullfights by guys who won't get off their horses. Two
motor vehicle chases. No kung fu. One quart blood. Drive-in Academy Award
nominations for Bo, for George Kennedy and for the bull.
Four stars.
Joe Bob says check it out and see history made.
Copyright 1984 The Dallas Times Herald