[net.movies] At the Drive-in with Joe Bob Briggs

drlmain@ut-ngp.UUCP (Tim Meluch) (09/21/84)

Celebrate 'Massacre's' 10th birthday

by Joe Bob Briggs (as usual without permission)

A lot of people got their _Hustlers_ late in the mail this month, and the
only thing I can figure out is my good friend and fellow Babtist, Donnie
Wildmon of Tupelo, Miss., is out there gumming up the works again, trying to
get the U.S. mail to hold those suckers up till watermelon season is over. I
only read _Hustler_ for the articles, but this month there's a gardening featurein there called "Big Melons" which all I can figure out is they got those melonsin Hope, Ark., the watermelon capital of North America, and if I lived in Hope
I'd be a little p.o.ed because they don't give the 800 number or anything where you can buy 'em.
Maybe you already know how Donnie got _Hustler_ and _Playboy_ took out of
Gulf gas stations and Eckerd's drug stores, so we been boycotting those turkeys
ever since. Let's face it, some people are too poor for a mail-in subscription,they got to pony up for one issue at time, so I don't know what Donnie has
against poor people but I'm sick of this. And, Donnie, you're gonna be ashamed
of yourself when you hear this, but this month _Hustler_ has an interview in
there with _me_ and so you can see what kind of damage you're doing to Babtist
evangelism in America ever time you start monkeying around with literature.
But this time I'm gonna make an exception for _some_ of the lies printed
about me in _Hustler_. After all, it took me a long time to get there. When
I started out writing this column, all I could get was articles in _The Wall
Street Journal_. Then I got wrote up in _Time_, _Us_, the _New York Crimes_, a bunch of wimpola magazines for drunk congressmen in D.C. _Rolling Stone_ (which is for geeks who watch Empty V) and _Playboy_. I knew I had a chance when I gotthe _Playboy_
hot. Then one day _Hustler_ sent out a letter and it said,
"Would you consent to an in-depth personal interview?" And I sent back to 'em
and said, "Only if you promise to make up some good lies to go in there with it"and they came back with, "OK, and we'll throw in some complimentary toll-free
Dial-an-Orgasm numbers," and I said, "One more thing," and they said, "What's
that?" and I said, "I won't do anything that violates my professional ethics,"
and they said, "Would you take off your pants for five bucks and let us take
pictures of you with seven 12-year old Watusi girls?" and I said "Yeah, but
only if it was in good taste."
OK, I put it off long enough. I know what you're all waiting for. We all
know what week this is. I don't have to tell you where I'll be tonight. It
don't really seem line 10 years when you think about it, the time went so fast,
but here we are, talking decade.
"Saw" is 10 years old today.
They're bringing out "Texas Chain Saw Massacre" again, and it's the kind of
thing that's got everybody turning nostalgic and talking about the years before
we all sold out and got jobs at Wal-Mart. A lot of beautiful things happened atthat flick. I think we all remember exactly where we were when we first saw it,probly who we saw it with, how we felt the first time Franklyn eats the barbecuesausage, how o
r kidneys felt the first time Leatherface started hanging people
up on meathooks.
We all have our favorite scenes in "Saw." I guess mine is when the cannibal
family tries to feed Mayilyn Burns to Grandpa, but Grandpa's too weak to suck
through a straw or lift his dinner hammer high enough to crush her brain into
potato salad. A lot of people like the Pam-in-the-deepfreeze scene, or the one
where Franklyn is running his wheelchair through the woods and _whining_ about
how he's a paraplegic and all of a sudden he gets a stomach massage with a Blackand Decker.
Let's face it, Marylin Burns is the best screamer in the history of the drivein, and all this Jamie Lee Curtis cult worship don't hold water when you really
look at the evidence. Also, Tobe Hooper made this sucker down in Austin, and you notice he hasn't made jack since then cause they moved him indoors and
forced him to make crapola like "Poltergeist." Gunnar Hansen? He's up in
Maine making pottery or something; Leatherface was his first, last and only
performance, sort of like Margaret Mitchell writing "Gone With the Wind." When
we talk "Saw," we're talking more talent in one place than any movie since
"Bloodthirsty Butchers." In fact, this movie's so famous now they're gonna showit in walk-ins this week, even though in 1974 the walk-ins were too _good_ for
it. Hell, they had to beg the _drive-ins_ to play the mother. But that's what
happens in America. You take a work of art and somebody decides they have to
get rich off it. They have to _pervert_ it for their own purpose. I'm sorry,
but when they start showing "Saw" in shopping malls I've got two words to say.
Puke City.
Four stars forever.
Check "Saw" out the way God meant for it to be seen, outdoors.

bch@mcnc.UUCP (Byron Howes) (09/22/84)

Here I go being a spoilsport again, but... 

"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-in" is a column whose copyright is held
by the Dallas Morning News.  It is strictly *illegal* to rebroadcast
it in this forum.  Should the copyright holder get wind of this, the
poster *and* his organization are subject to suit.  Not fun.

Strange.  Most folks on the net would agree that posting proprietary
software is a no-no, yet I am sure I will get flamed at for daring
to suggest that it is bad to repost a copyrighted news article without
permission.

If you want to read Joe Bob, find a paper that carries it and subscribe
to it.  (In this part of the country it is carried by the Raleigh News
and Observer.)

						'Nuff Said....
-- 

						Byron C. Howes
				          {decvax|akgua}!mcnc!ecsvax!bch

garret@oddjob.UChicago.UUCP (Trisha O Tuama) (09/25/84)

*****

The "copyright holder" would likely not do much more than request
a cease and desist order, if that.

I, for one, hope the person who is posting Joe Bob continues to do
so.  We don't have Joe Bob here in the midwest.  

Trisha O Tuama