john@nmtsun.nmt.edu (John Shipman) (02/05/88)
Are you REALLY SATISFIED with the impact of your USENET postings?
Do people quail and quiver at the thought of your followups? Is
your name on the lips of net.fans on seven continents?
Or perhaps you are NOT HAPPY with your posting style. Do people
ignore you? Perhaps you are disappointed that no one ever posts
followups to your messages, or that Mark Ethan Smith is more famous
than you. Perhaps you are bored and like to get lots of mail.
If so, take heart! Here is a new service for net.wimps!
*** THE POWER POSTING SCHOOL ***
Our world-flamous instructors will turn you into A BEAST OF A MAN.
Topics will range from pure theory (Monty Python's Argument Clinic)
to practice (assignments reading and posting in alt.flame, soc.singles
and other hot-gas newsgroups).
Seminars will focus on patented power-posting techniques:
*** USE OF REPETITION AND CAPITALS. Suppose some clown makes a
mistake of fact in his posting (e.g., <1309@nmtsun.nmt.edu>, by
John Shipman):
>> The FORTRAN 77 standard does not prohibit modification
>> of the iteration variable inside the loop.
Now, some WUSS might try to be polite, and reply
I believe you have missed a critical paragraph in the standard
(e.g., <162@amelia.nas.nasa.gov> and <4026@aw.sei.cmu>).
You'll never get anywhere with this approach. People are so ready
to hit the `n' key these days; you have to get their attention with
flashy graphics or they'll ignore you altogether. The proper style
is: (e.g., <1328@nmtsun.nmt.edu>):
WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG
Politeness is for wimps. If people have been ignoring you, it's not
because you're a twit, but because you don't SCREAM LOUD ENOUGH (the
Sam Kinison School).
*** THE SMILEY FACE: YOUR SHIELD AGAINST A CRUEL WORLD. You can say
anything you want, no matter how insulting, and get away with it!
All you have to do is obey the proper net.etiquette. Example:
This is not a flame, you scumbag, slimeball toad! Your parents
were mutant intestinal parasites! Your face would make a pathologist
puke! Vultures and maggots would disdain your carcass! Your romantic
preference is for pets, livestock, organ meats, AIDS sufferers and
rejects from Idi Amin's harem! :-) (No flames, please)
*** THE GRANDSTAND FINISH. No one will respect you unless your .signature
file runs for two screens. Special lectures will cover:
-- Drawing unrecognizable pictures using only ASCII characters
-- How to come up with at least 35 different return mail paths
-- Sources for obscure, meaningless, flashy quotations
*** CALL TODAY. Are you ORGANISM ENOUGH to be a net.god like Fai Lau?
Interested applicants please reply by posting in alt.flame. Please
don't reply by e-mail, as the instructors spend all their time reading
the net and never get to the e-mail.
--
John Shipman/Zoological Data Processing/Socorro, New Mexico
USENET: ihnp4!lanl!unm-la!unmvax!nmtsun!john
``If you can't take it, get stronger.'' --Falline Danforth