moriarty@fluke.UUCP (Jeff Meyer) (11/25/85)
I suspect that no matter how bad Saturday Night Live gets, there
will always be a sizable group watching it, if for no other reason
then all the new movies have ads during this program. And last
week was no exception; on the contrary, with the Christmas
season coming up, the airwaves are full of suggestions on which
films you should spend your bucks on. Can't say I've seen any of
them yet, but I have a few guesses, based on lots of statistical
information that is always right and which you shouldn't question,
ever:
-----
ONE MAGIC CHRISTMAS:
I think "The Journey of Natty Gann" was something that pulled Disney's new
reputation out of the dirt, and I sure would like to see their new entry,
"One Magic Christmas", make this a one-two combination. I suspect this may
be "the" Christmas film to see this year -- I have yet to see Harry Dean
Stanton put in a bad performance, and the idea of him as an angel is a kick.
By the way, if this one doesn't do it for you, get "A Christmas Story" from
your local videotape place -- that's the one with Darren McGavin that was
out last year, and it deserves a replay once a year at this time.
SANTA CLAUS, THE MOVIE:
Ho Ho Ho, kiddies! Can you smell a turkey this far before Thanksgiving? I
can, and this one has all the makings of one. It's done by ex-Supermaniacs:
Produced by the Salikinds (all their movies have the suffix ":THE MOVIE", so
you can tell it's not a live play or a soundtrack or a Frank Sinatra album
or a vacuum cleaner) and directed by Jean Swarc, the King of the sequels
(Superman II, Jaws II -- not down to Castle's standards, but he comes close
at times). I'd like to see Dudley Moore break his chain of bad movies; I'd
like to see John Lithgow do another interesting performance. But why do I
have this nameless dread? Once bitten, twice rabid, I always say...
ROCKY IV:
I'm not giving away anything by saying that the big traumatic moment in THIS
Rocky sequel is that Carl Weathers (who played Apollo Creed in the three
previous films) is killed by a Russian boxer -- they've been blaring it out
on all the TV and movie ads. I think you can see the pattern here: Rocky
III had Burgess Merideth dying, this one has Carl Weathers. Rocky V will
have Pauley (Burt Young) murdered by street punks, Rocky VI will have Adrian
(Talia Shire) raped, beaten and killed by aliens from another planet, and
Rocky VII will have Rocky defeated and executed in the ring by Darth Vader
-- and Rocky Jr. will be old enough to take his old man's place and avenge
him. I'd go to this thing and laugh, but I've about had it with films
capitalizing on Russian paranoia. If they need bad guys, make 'em evil by
character, not by nationality. Otherwise, it looks like propaganda (though
I suspect it's just laziness on the part of the writers).
JEWEL OF THE NILE (or ROMANCING THE STONE II):
Your guess is as good as mine. If Robert Zemarkis, the director of the
original film (and Back to the Future) had stuck around, I'd go to see this
without question -- the man has reached Can Do No Wrong status around town
(he is working on The Shadow currently... apparently he plans to stick with
popular subjects). However, he hasn't, and I'll go see it, but I am making
no promises.
SPIES LIKE US:
When you look at a Chevy Chase or Dan Ackroyd movie, you don't look at who's
starring, you look at who's directing and who's writing. I've seen Chase
and Ackroyd commit atrocities on film (Deal of the Century, The Summer
Vacation films, Dr. Detroit), and I have no faith that this will work --
except for the fact that John Landis is directing, and two of the writers
from Splash are doing the screenplay. I like Landis films quite a bit (I
seem to be the only person in the western world who liked "Into the Night"),
and "Splash" was OK. A cautious hint "see it, maybe".
THE COLOR PURPLE:
It's got Whoopi Goldberg, it's got an Alice Walker story, it's got Stephen
Spielburg.... STEPHEN SPIELBURG? Hold all calls, go to Defcon 2... Well,
at least the subject matter is solid. I'll see it.
YOUNG SHERLOCK HOLMES:
OK, this is the one I'm pinning all my hopes on. It's directed by Barry
Levinson, who did a real good job on Diner and had me in the palm of his
hand with The Natural. Now he has gotten a script by Chris Columbus that
says that Holmes and Watson met at a much younger age. OK, few out there
beat me in my qualifications as a Sherlockian, and yes, the whole idea is
ridiculous, but hey, if it's done well, who cares? I may not take it as
being part of the Canon, but I'm not going to allow myself to be denied a
good time by being picky. However, the ads make it look like Industrial
Light and Magic worked hard on this (demons, monsters, etc.), so it may turn
some Sherlockians blue with fury. Whatever you say about Spielburg (please,
God, PLEASE, no more Amazing Stories flames), he can pick films to produce,
and people to direct. I liked both Goonies and Back to the Future last
summer, and I'm hoping he has been guided well here, too (though I place
much greater faith in Levinson's talent). Who knows, maybe they'll have a
Moriarty about my age in it....
"But in calling Moriarty a criminal you are
uttering libel in the eyes of the law, and
there lies the glory and the wonder of it.
The greatest schemer of all time, the
organizer of every devilry, the controlling
brain of the underworld.... That's the man."
Moriarty, aka Jeff Meyer
ARPA: fluke!moriarty@uw-beaver.ARPA
UUCP: {uw-beaver, sun, allegra, sb6, lbl-csam}!fluke!moriarty
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