amigo2@ihuxq.UUCP (John Hobson) (02/07/84)
The movie Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is covered in Harry Medved & Randy Dreyfuss' book The Fifty Worst Films of All Time. A few excerpts (reprinted, in the best net tradition, without permission): The Critics Rave "Absolutely the worst science-fiction flick ever made, bar none!..." --Jason Thomas and Joe Kane, The Monster Times "Overly saccharine and nonsensical....A lobby sign with `No One Admitted OVER 16 Years Of Age' might be appropriate...." --Boxoffice Plot Summary The children of Mars never have any fun...casting longing eyes on TV programs about Santa Cluas which they recieve from earth....The only way to save the younger generation is to kidnap Santa Claus and install him on Mars. ...The U. S. Air Force is alerted to the invasion, and we enjoy several minutes of early '60s footage of the American strategic arsenal in action....None of this succeeds in deterring the Martians, however, who cleverly throw up a "radar screen" and land without incident. They were not clever enough, however, to find out where on earth they can find Santa Claus, so they approach two earth children. Drawing their ray guns (which bear a marked resemblance to that popular toy, the Whammo Air Blaster) they ask Billy and Betty where Santa Claus lives. THe savvy kids...reveal the fat one lives at the North Pole. THe Martians...kidnap the children and take them along as resident Santa Claus experts. After a brief scuffle... St. Nick is loaded onto the Martian spacecraft, a prisoner of the green-skinned fiends....Volgar, a dyed-in-the-wool meanie...resists the idea of bringing Santa to Mars: at every opportunity, he tries to murder Claus and the earth children. Dropo...is a squirmy, rubber faced Martian...immediately identifies with the eight-year-old kids and developes a crush on the old man in the red suit. He helps our heros foiil every vicious plot against them. ...Santa meats the troubled Martian children who immediately burst into laughter.... The adult Martians...furnish Santa with a marvelously automated toy workshop.... Dropo wants to playu with the toys and make the kids laugh, so he dresses in one of Santa's extra outfits and dances around town. He is mistaken for the real Santa Claus by the unspeakable Volgar, who takes him hostage and demands ransom from Mar's head man Kimar.... Kimar claims that the real Santa is safe in his workshop, so Volgar walks into the Santa-torium and discovers he has kidnapped an imposter. [Volgar is overpowered by the children, Dropo is made the Martian Santa Claus, and Santa is returned to earth.] ...We hear the title song one more time: "Hooray for Santa Claus." The producers of the film were so proud of their moronic lyrics that they flash them on the screen as we are urged to sing along. The final image we see is a greeting card illustration of Santa with the words "Merry Christmas" imprinted across his face. Bah, humbug! Where is Ebenezer Scrooge when you really need him? Unforgettable Performances The acting in this film has to be seen to be believed: it would embarras even the players in a sixth-grade Christmas pagent. The tendency toward overstatement is so prevalent that we wonder whether the director was specifically hoping for and audience of children with defective hearing and poor eyesight. John Call, as Santa Claus, is the "star." HIs jolly presence thropughout the film suggests that he prepared for his role by consuming seven double martinis or ingesting a blast of laughing gas. He manages to make Santa's "Ho! Ho! Ho!" seem like a lewd chuckle, while his wet, lecherous stares make one wonder whether Kris Kringle was really a cild molester.... Immortal Dialogue Title song: "Hooray for Santy Claus" (sung to the swingin' strains of a mid-'60s "twist") You spell it S-a-n-t-a C-l-a-u-s, Hooray for Santy Claus! Hooray for Santy Claus! Yeah, yeah, for Santy Claus! He's fat and round, but jumping jiminy, He can climb down any chiminey. Why do we hear sleigh bell ring? Our hearts go ding-a-ling! John Hobson AT&T Bell Labs Naperville, IL (312) 979-0193 ihnp4!ihuxq!amigo2
speaker@umcp-cs.UUCP (02/11/84)
Well now that we're into movie trivia... as I recall, 'Santa Claus Conquers the Martians' was filmed in New York... it was that cheap. I loved the scene where the martians land on earth... There they are, seated behind their spacecraft controls, with the stars and planets of space visible through the large picture-window... one of the planets swaying back and forth, as if suspended by fishing line from the ceiling... hmmmmmm. Then there's the scene where the commander of the martian force (such that it is) announces, "We've landed [on earth]". Except that the same stars and planets are STILL visible outside that picture window. Talk about continuity! -- - Speaker speaker@umcp-cs speaker.umcp-cs@CSnet-Relay