rmatt@psueea.UUCP (Rick Matt) (06/06/87)
The following artical was passed out on April Fools day at a
county mental health center.
Not offensive to anyone but those in the clutches of big
time big brother phobias. No one else need 'n' it. OH.
Ju-u-ust in case: This is NOT (repeat, NOT) a true story!
(Read my lips: NOT TRUE.)
NEWS FLASH
This afternoon alone, 852 people will be declared
legally insane. That's just in Toledo. Across the country,
homes, offices, and factories are emptying and mental hospi-
tals are filling up, all because of one man: Dr. Fritz
Smudge. Smudge has revolutionized psychiatry by discovering
that there *are* definite answers to the Rorschach test --
the projective personality test pioneered in 1922 by the
eminent Dr. Hermann Rorschach.
Most commonly known as the inkblot test, Rorschach's
test asks a person to describe the images that come to mind
when he views a series of strange, symmetrical ink patterns.
Until recently, psychiatrists interpreted the patients
responses without concern as to whether the series of ink-
blots had specific meanings.
Now, thanks to Smudge, they have definitive answers,
all recorded in a set of handwritten notebooks by Rorschach
called "The Inkblot Answer Book". Smudge claims he happened
upon the historic notebooks while on a skiing trip.
"They were cheap. I found them in a used bookstore in
Switzerland," Smudge said, beaming. "And I was able to
write off my vacation as a business expense!"
After realizing the importance of his find, he turned
the weathered notebooks over the the experts at the American
Rorschach Society (ARS). They were stunned by what was
there. In addition to answers for the ten blots in common
use, the notebooks contained 8,376 never-before-seen-blots,
plus detailed instructions on how to make new ones.
"It was incredible!" Smudge revealed. "They even told
you how to fold the paper without getting the ink on your
hands."
After having spent eight and a half months deciphering
Rorschach's poor handwriting, the ARS finally unveiled the
New Improved Rorschach Test in Ohio last month. (It comes
in two versions: One for patients; One for doctors, which
has the answers on the back.)
"It appears we were all wrong," an ARS spokesdoctor
June 6, 1987
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commented. "Psychiatry *is* an exact science. Now a
patient has to give us a definite answer. If he misses too
many, we lock him up. It's kind of like quantitative
analysis, only messier."
Already a majority of the world's psychiatric profes-
sionals rely on the 8,376 new patterns in their diagnostic
workups, and mental health hospitals are packed. Under the
New Rorschach Test rules, a person has to correctly identify
85 per cent of the blots to be declared legally sane. So
far, that has proven difficult for most people.
The result? "Everyone's crazy!" crowed Smudge. "It's
like Christmas!"
According to the notebooks, the reason Rorschach made
his test so hard was to weed out "all those people who are
talking about me behind my back."
While it is admittedly difficult, the New Rorschach
Test has brought with it certain advances. Not only can
psychiatrists make more precise diagnosis, they can do it
more quickly. A patient who used to require weeks of ela-
borate examinations and interviews can now be locked up
within an hour.
But Smudge and the ARS are still not satisfied. "It is
not fast enough," Smudge said, sighing. "There are so many
crazies out there and so few tests."
He thinks the answer to the problem lies in the last of
the Rorschach notebooks, which is simply entitled "The Big
Blot". In it is Rorschach's master plan for "testing the
masses." He envisioned having crowds of people viewing
oversize inkblots on paper measuring eight-and-one-half by
eleven kilometers. (One blot alone would require thousands
of gallons of ink.) But ultimately, Rorschach was forced to
abandon his dream: "Not enough sane people to help me. . . "
Smudge considered trying it himself, but the scale of
the project was intimidating. "You'd need three thousand
men just to fold the thing, and it would take a week for the
ink to dry."
Inspired by Rorschach's vision, however, Smudge is busy
working on his own version of the megablots.
"We'll put them up along highways and in malls, like
billboards, and send out questionnaires to everyone in the
vicinity," he said. "It will be a closed-book test."
When asked how he would prevent someone from looking up
the answers and cheating, Smudge answered, "Simple. We plan
to use the honor system. In fact, we hope to make the honor
June 6, 1987
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system a federal law. Violation of the law would be punish-
able by death. No one would dare to cheat."
Even without billboard blots, the longterm effects of
Rorschach's notebooks are clear: As long as we have ink and
paper, we'll have crazy people.
But just how did Hermann Rorschach hit upon the idea of
using those funny blobs of ink? The answer was found in one
of the rare notebooks.
It seems that Rorschach was struggling to devise a
true-or-false insanity quiz when he accidentally knocked
over a bottle of ink. Noticing how the blot looked like a
little bunny, he excitedly showed it to some friends.
"That's not a bunny," a girl challenged. "That's an
elephant!"
"You're *crazy*!" Rorschach shouted. And the rest is
history.
Written by William C. Mericle, is a freelance writter from
Chicago, who has been unjustly institutionalized for the
past 15 years.
June 6, 1987