TMPLee@MIT-MULTICS.ARPA (04/17/84)
HHGttN (Hitchhikers Guide to the Net) sounds like a useful thing -- does one also want to ask for it? Ted (ref: msg from Ruschak <pur-ee!kechkayl>)
brendan%gigi.DEC@decwrl.ARPA (04/20/84)
From: brendan%gigi.DEC@decwrl.ARPA (Brendan E. Boelke)
I have noticed a number of requests for a copy of HHGttN, so if the
moderator doesn't mind, here it is in not so quite entirety. Does
anyone know if the final installments are around anywhere?
/BEB
Date: Friday, 10 Dec 1982 09:02:30-PST
From: RHEA::HARDY::GLASSER%Shasta at SU-Score
Subject: Submission (possibly redundant)
I stole the following from the USENET net.jokes newsgroup. I thought
that SFL should see it. I hope that the author does not mind.
Daniel Glasser
[USENET address ...!decvax!sultan!dag
no reliable ARPA address.]
From: decvax!sultan!decvax!genradbo!grkermit!markm
Newsgroups: net.jokes
Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
Episode 1 - First Meeting
One day, not long after tomorrow, Arnold Lint was busy scrolling
through the seemingly infinite reaches of the Net. All of a sudden the
news stopped with an abrupt thud, followed by the angry message "YOUR
NODE HAS BEEN REDUCED TO A LITTLE BLACK, GREASY SPLOTCH IN MY MEMORY
SPACE!!". No sooner had he assimilated this horrendous event when a
great suction like noise began to eminate from his terminal. "This is
it", he said to himself, "I'm going to die". The screen on his
terminal the imploded and he suddenly found himself sucked into the
terminal . . . . . . . . . . . .
(Arnold Lint regains consciousness, only to find himself in the
company of an odd trio. One of the trio is an apparently normal human
male (named Rod Perfect) and the second is a voluptuos young woman
(named Gillian). The third is also a normal male (named Xaphod
Gronklebox), except for a third, mechanical, arm and a 12" CRT on his
shoulder that keeps scrolling "Pieces of Eight, Pieces of Eight".)
Rod: Evening all! I'm Rod Perfect, awfully rude of you imploding on
us this way, you silly twit.
Arnold Lint: Sorry. Am I dead?
Xaphod: Obviously not, you semi-evolved simian! Are all you
net-landers so stupid. If you were dead would I be talking to
you? I'm Xaphod Gronklebox, the famous inter-net-al criminal
and dog molester - you must have heard of me.
Arnold Lint: Actually, no, I haven't.
Xaphod: Oh well, your loss. I just hijacked this node! It's called
the Infinity, isn't it wild. Just imagine the places we can go
in this baby.
(Rod notices that Arnold's eyes are transfixed on the young woman)
Rod: Her name's Gillian, at least that's what she wants to be called.
Actually, her real name is Gertrude Floogie, but she didnt't like
it, so she changed it.
(Arnold Lint detects a mechanical sound to his right. A robot soon
walks into view)
Robot: My name is Martin. I am sure you will have an
absolutely awful time on this node, I always have.
I do not know why they insist on trying to do
things to change the Net, they can only make it
worse. No matter what happens, some one always
says something stupid and ruins everything. Then
someone else feels obliged to a rebuttal, and on
and on it goes. How awful. Still, what do you
expect from an imperfect Net.
Rod: Martin is a bit, well, depressing.
Xaphod: He's a real downer, man!
Martin: That's right, ridicule me. See what I care. I'm only an
android. Just another example of cruelty in this awful Net.
(********************************************************************
The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" defines cruelty as having to see
constant repetitions of the same salutory comment in more than 20
messages. History shows that a war was fought over the repetition of
the statement "If you don't like my name - push off, signed xxxx"
appearing in 200 messages from the node of Moronicus. Since that
time, any time a salutory message is used more than 20 times,
subsequent violators have their pelvis screwed to a cake stand while
they are forced to watch repeats of "The Gong Show".
********************************************************************)
Arnold Lint: Well, what do we do now?
Xaphod: We're on our way to Netrothea. (The 12" CRT on his
shoulder now starts repeating "Polly want a
sedative, Polly want a sedative") There's supposed
to be all sorts of wild and amazingly great things
in that place!
Rod: Martin, set course for Netrothea!
Martin: All right, but you're not going to like it.
Gillian: What will we find on Netrothea?
Xaphod: Well, there's supposed to be a huge stockpile of data there
that we can sell to the Net for millions.
Arnold Lint: A stockpile of what?
Xaphod: Data! Data! You idiot. Knowledge is power in the Net. All
that data has been accumulating over the centuries. Just imagine the
amazingly amazing philosophical Net-discussions that it stored. I mean,
the Net is the focal point of all wisdom. Just think of all that
smart stuff! Wow!
(********************************************************************
The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" insists that the focal point of
all knowledge in not the Net itself. Rather, it is the fourth stall in
the mens room in Grand Central Station. No one has ever been dumb
enough to waste time disproving this wild claim, so the publishers
avoided some nasty laws suits.
********************************************************************)
Xaphod: We'll have millions! We'll by everything! No, we'll have
billions, trillions, . . . .
(Xaphod begins to shake violently and froth at the mouth, then he
falls over backward. A few seconds later he comes to.)
Xaphod: Well, lets go!
Rod: You all right?
Xaphod: Yah, sure. Just the excitement of new conquests.
Arnold Lint: Looked more like Flamers-syndrome to me.
Xaphod: You should talk, you key-pounding half-wit.
Gillian: If we're going to go, lets go already.
Martin: Do we really have to?
Rod: YES!
(Just as the node starts on it's way, a host of flame-shaped vessels
became visible on the scanners)
Rod: Funny you should mention Flamers-syndrome.
Xaphod: Oh, hell!
Gillian: What are they?
Xaphod: Damn, those are ships belonging the Flamers. They
go after anything, no matter how pointless or
unimportant it is. If they catch us, we could
suffer permanent brain damage, or worse yet - join
the Moral Majority
Arnold Lint: So this it it, we're all going to die!
Martin: I told you that you would like it.
Others: Oh Shut Up!
******************** End Of Part 1 ********************
Will Arnold and his new travelling companions escape the Flamers? Or
will they end up playing rock albums backwards at 66.6 RPM? For the
answers to these, and countless other pointless questions . . . Tune
in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel
[Part 2 will appear in tomorrow's digest. --Stuart]
Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
Episode 2 - The Flamers
(The Infinity's scanners are showing the Flamer's ships approaching
fast. Arnold Lint and Rod Perfect are franticly scurrying about.
Xaphod is trying to figure out how to fly the node, and Gillian is
fixing her makeup. Martin the android is off on a corner moping about
how he's too young to die.)
Xaphod: This is the node Infinity, we are on a peaceful, although a
bit mercenary, mission. Hold your fire.
(The commander of the Flamer's fleet appears on the screen. He
appears to be a normal human, except for a small silver halo stapled
to his head.)
Flamer: I am Adolf Riteyus, commander of the Flaming Queen. You have
violated Flaming space and must be blasted. You will be given
a fair and drawn out hearing before you are found guilty.
Rod: We didn't know this was Flaming space!
Adolf: Ignorance is no excuse. Do you think that just
because you don't know something you shouldn't be
responsible for it? Why, if we didn't go around
blasting people who thought they were innocent,
there'd be no order. The whole power structure of
the Net is based on the inalienable right to
flame. He who flames the loudest and strongest
will prevail, for he will have maintained purity
of essence by not compromising his principles. It
doesn't matter what one flames about, as long as
one comes out a winner. Winning the argument for
mandatory retroactive birth control is one of our
greatest victories. We Flamers always win because
we never give up. No, things are either our way or
they're WRONG.
[The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" lists the Flamers as one of the
most argumentative races in the Net. History shows that the Flamers
went to war over the right to keep and bear tongue depressors. They
also had a violent and bloody discussion over the morality of Odor
Eaters. The only time the Flamers can be easily beaten in combat is
on Sunday mornings when they all watch evangelist shows, or during
Ronco "Mr. Microphone" commercials (their symbol of worship).]
Gillian: What should we do?
Xaphod: How 'bout evasive actions?
Marvin: It won't help.
Rod: Oh shut up!
Rod: OK, evasive action!
Adolf: Where do you come from?
Xaphod: Not from around here.
Adolf: Where are you headed?
Rod: Left.
Gillian: That's telling him?
Adolf: What is your favorite color?
Arnold Lint: My what?
Adolf: Your favorite color!
Rod: White!
Adolf: What is the maximum warp speed of a ladened Swaldrel?
Xaphod: Denebian or Rigelian?
Adolf: I don't know that . . . all right, enough evading, if you
don't surrender in the next five seconds I'll blast you right
out of existance.
Rod: Well, now what.
Adolf: Five!
Arnold Lint: What's this button do?
Adolf: Four!
Xaphod: That's the Illogical Drive. It propels the node on power from
hard drugs and acid rock. It's kind of dangerous though.
Adolf: Three!
Arnold Lint: Should we try it?
Adolf: Two!
Rod: Well, lets not . . . Four!
Adolf: Four!
Arnold Lint: So this is it, we're all going to die.
Adolf: Three!
Martin: I warned you about this trip.
Adolf: Two!
Xaphod: All right, all right, engage the Illogical Drive!
Adolf: One!
(Arnold Lint engages the Illogical drive. Images of the movie "Easy
Rider" float across the view port. "In-a-gadda-da-vida" starts coming
across the radio. The 12" CRT on Xaphod's shoulder starts scrolling
"Wow man, what a trip!". The scanners show that the Flamers couldn't
handle the sudden flood of sensory excitation and burst their brains.
This only made their reactions a bit slower though as the Flamer's
brain is remarkably small. The Infinity, charged up with Liquid Super
Duetrillium, was able to make warp speed and turn the corner before
the Highway patrol picked them up on radar. This was fortunate for it
meant that they wouldn't be caught by Spiny Norman, the 45 foot blue
hedgehog that had been following them.)
Gillian: We made it.
Rod: Yah, where are we Martin.
Martin: We're way out man.
Xaphod: Oh, he's useless now - it'll take a while before he comes
down.
Arnold Lint: At least he isn't so gloOmy.
Martin: Nooo body knows, the trouble I've see . . . have any of you
ever contemplated the death of a grain of salt?
[The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" points out that the life and
death of a grain of salt can have amazing importance in the course of
life on the Net. On particular grain of salt (named Nigel) was
responsible for the overthrow of an entire government. Nigel gave his
. <- Nigel
life by falling into the barrel of a shotgun that was aimed that the
planets dictator. Thanks to lousy marksmanship on the part of the
rebels, only Nigel was able to hit the dictator. The rest of the buck
shot killed the dictator's pet salmon, Eric. Nigel, however,
penetrated the dictators eye and eventually killed him 8 months later
just before a firing squad cut the dictator in two.]
Rod: Shut Up!
Xaphod: Well, lets get back on course.
Arnold Lint: What are those?
(The scanners now show a dozen ships shaped like the number one
heading toward the Infinity.)
Xaphod: Those are Singularan ships. They're worse than flamers!
Rod: Oh yeah, they're worse than a visit from an insurance salesman.
Gillian:They're normally mild mannered computer scientists. But
when they get on the Net, they become endowed with a superhuman
ability to talk about incredibly personal things, things they
couldn't otherwise discuss.
Arnold Lint: Sounds awful.
Martin: That's what I keep telling you.
Rod: Shut up!
Xaphod: If we don't get out of here fast, we'll end up
debating which finger a divorced person should
wear his or her ring on when going to homosexual
orgies - or worse, have to go to a Pot Luck Dinner
where all that the people do is talk.
******************** End Of Part 2 ********************
Will the crew of the infinity avoid the clutches of the Singularans?
Or will they end up exchanging recipes for onion dip. For the answers
to these and several other amazingly unimportant questions . . . Tune
in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel.
------------------------------
Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
Episode 3 - The Singularans
(Arnold Lint and the crew of the Infinity are trying to decide what
to do now that they are being faced by the deadly Singularans.)
Xaphod: Oh wow, just when we got past the Flamers, we have to run
into the 'Singles'. The Illogical drive won't work this time.
Rod: No, and neither will evasive actions. They all talk that way!
Gillian: What will we do then?
Arnold Lint: I'll tell you . . . we're all going to die.
Xaphod: Shut your cake-hole!
Martin: I tried to tell you this trip would be a real downer, but
would you listen?
Rod: Quiet!
Xaphod: I guess we should see what they want.
(Xaphod switches on the two way video telecommunicator and RadaRange.
The face of the Singularan captain appears on the screen. He is a
normal human wearing a T-shirt which says: "Have you ever really
listened to Manilow?" He is also sporting glow in the dark pants and
10 pounds of silver and gold chains arount his neck.)
Singularan: Hey, like I'm Dirk Thawtphull. We were cruising by and
saw your node. Interested in some meaningful relationships, free
from the moral depravity that otherwise infects the net.
Xaphod: Well, I kind of like depravity.
Rod: Yah, me too.
Dirk: Wow, you'd love our S & M encounter group then, fershure!
Arnold Lint: Your what?
Dirk: S & M encounter group. We get together twice a week and
exchange recipes and beatings.
Arnold Lint: How could a group like that command such a strong
node?
Xaphod: Well, the sudden popularity of Jogging induced widespread
adoption of the principles of Single-ism. The subsequent rise of the
sport of 'Joggering' reduced the numbers of Singularans to normal
size. It appears that they may be making a come back though.
[The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" defines 'Joggering' as a sport
originated in Australia to combat the sudden drop in productivity
caused by having everybody jogging. Australian champion Bruce Karnage
describes the sport: "Well, there is a different way of catching both
male and female joggers. If it's a male, you flush him out into the
open with cigarette smoke, then chase him down in your 4 x 4 Land
Rover. When he's tired, bump him with the fender to stun him
momentarily. Then get out and with your driver pick him up by all
fours and run him head-first into the side of the truck. If it's a
female, bait a likely spot with designer jogging wear and then wait
for a flock to arrive. When one becomes interested, sneak up behind
her, very quietly. Then when you are about two feet away, and you can
see the sun dancing on her richly tanned flesh carressing her well
toned figure into a visual symphony of delight, split her skull with
a handy two-by-four. It's a lovely sport!" The sport later became
known as 'Walkmaning'.]
Rod: We were on our way to Netrothea to pick up some ... uh ...
fuel, yah that's it.
Dirk: Well, we've got plenty of fuel, come on over and we'll let
you have it.
Xaphod: No, it's OK.
Dirk: I insist!
(The Singularan ship lets out a pink and purple polka-dot ray that
engulfs the Infinity. Arnold Lint and company find themselves in a
room on the Singularan ship. It is decorated right out off the floor
of a K-Mart. K-Tel's "Feelings" album is playing "You light up my
existence" in the background, on the ceiling is a gigantic mirror,
and in one corner is a gigantic mood-bean-bag chair.)
Gillian: How awful!
Martin: Actually, I kind of like it, in a depressing sort of way.
Rod: Quiet.
Arnold Lint: Where are we.
Dirk: You're aboard the Singularan vessel "Sincerity". You will
remain here until you learn to develop meaningful relationships over
the Net. Meaningful relationships based on honesty, truth, and having
nothing to do with physical appearance. Relationships which will grow
as you and your partner, or partners, share, or don't share, things
you have, or don't have, in common. You will learn how to have
every other sentence include the words 'special' or 'meaningful
relationship'.
Xaphod: If he says "meaningful relationship" once more I'll have to
pray to the porcellan buddha.
Rod: Sickening, isn't it.
Dirk: Right, enough of this. Wait here and we'll start programming
you for meaningful relationships.
(Xaphod bends over a nearby table and vomits, the 12" CRT on his
shoulder starts scrolling "Uuuggghhh")
Gillian: What did you mean about "programming" us?
Dirk: We'll have to make you compatible with the environment and
take away all your inhibitions when discussing your personal life on
the Net. You'll be subjected to countless sessions watching
repeats of "The Dating Game", "The Newlywed Game", and "Celebrity
Wife Swapping". And that's only Stage 1!
[The "Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" points out that the three old
earth TV shows just mentioned were actually the basis for a huge
inter-conglomerate stock monopolizing sceme started by The Phone
Company. The questions asked on these shows were actually coded
messages issued by The Phone Company to the conglomerates it was
working with. These messages told the associated conglomerates about
which stocks to buy based on information gained by The Phone Company
by listening in on the phones of importanat companies. The client
corporations paid The Phone Company 1 million dollars for each such
message. The seemingly idiotic contestants were, more often than
not, government agents trying to break The Phone Company's code.
Chuck Barris, the originator of the shows, was later found to be a
financial genius, rivaled only by Howard Hughes.]
Rod: We gotta get put of here!
Xaphod: Yah.
Rod: You know what really gets Singularans put off? Rudeness and
crudeness!
Arnold Lint: What?
Rod: Rudeness, if we act real crude and rude, they'll beg us to leave!
Xaphod: Great, let's try it!
(Dirk returns with three gorgeous women and one well built female
model andriod.)
Rod: (To the first girl) Wow, look at that pair!
Xaphod: (To the second girl) That's a lovely grab!
Rod: (To the third girl) OK love, drop 'em!
Martin: (To the female android) I wave my private parts toward
approximate vector coordinates.
Gillian: (To Dirk) Say Dirk, if you get some Saran-Wrap and
chicken wire, I'll get the honey and the plunger.
Dirk: Get out of here you disgusting filthly maladjusted perverts!
(The three women and one andriod exit with great haste. The crew of
the Infinity is beamed back to their node.)
Dirk: Good riddens. Put on the flip side of "Feelings" and pass
the cheese dip. It's their loss, for only we know what true
meaningful relationships are. Only we know the feeling of wholeness
that comes from showing, or not showing, what one feels, or doesn't
feel, with someone special we care about. We aren't hung up on
physical things, we are spiritualists. At least, that's what we tell
everyone else.
Xaphod: Right, now on to Netrothea, nothing can stop us now.
******************** End Of Part 3 ********************
Will the crew of the Infinity reach Netrothea, or will Nothing stop
them? For the answers to this, and other useless questions . . . Tune
in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same Net-channel.
Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
Episode 4 - E.C. (The Extra Commercial)
(Arnold Lint and the crew of the Infinity are on their way to
Netrothea. They have successfully escaped both the Flamers and the
Singles.)
Xaphod: How much longer till we reach Netrothea?
Martin: Too soon.
Rod: Quiet!
Gillian: I can't wait to get there!
Arnold Lint: I'm just glad we're still in one piece.
Martin: It doesn't take much to make you happy, does it?
(All of a sudden, a blinding light fills the bridge of the Infinity.
When the light fades, a small, sickeningly adorable creature is
revealed. He is wearing a cap which says "I'm cute, buy me!")
Gillian: What's that?
Xaphod: That's E.C. - the Extra Commercial!
Arnold Lint: The what?
Rod: The Extra Commercial. The most commercialized being since
Santa Claus!
["The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" lists Santa Claus as a being
from Pluto who suffered severe brain damage when his space ship
crashed on earth. Every year the silly old twit tries to fly an old
sleigh and a flock of equally stupid reindeer back to Pluto.
Unfortunately, his reverse gravity modulator is not 100 percent so he
never quite gets out of earths orbit. This is just as well as the
jerk lost all his deep space gear. Many people on earth have mistaken
the boxes of Kentucky Fried Chicken he carries on his unlikely space
craft (as rations for the trip to Pluto) for presents to be
distributed to children. In actuality, the only reason Fred Glarn
(his real name) ever climbs down chimneys is because he is totally
wasted on Selurian Brandy and he is merely looking for a likely spot
to sleep it off. (Why else would his nose always be red?).]
Xaphod: I've never met E.C. before, I always though he was just some
massive advertising ploy.
Gillian: (To E.C.) Hello, I'm Gillian.
E.C.: (In a heavy New York - Jewish accent) Oy vey, vhat a trip.
Say goylie, you're cute.
Xaphod: Huh?
E.C.: Don't call me E.C., it's a meshugina name. My real name is
Phil Moskowitz.
Arnold Lint: Phil Moskowitz?
Phil: Yes!, Vhat did you expect - Ricardo Montalban?
Rod: You're the Extra Commercial?
Phil: Don't laugh, my brother Saul owns Jordache Jeans!
["The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" states that the Jordache Jeans
Company was actually a very clever marketing ploy by the makers of
Preparation H. It was their intention to boost the sales of their
rectal paraphenalia by inducing Americans to stuff their glutious
maxima into overly confined garments. The ploy did not succeed.]
Gillian: What are you doing here?
Phil: I'm on my vay to the Net Christmas Special. This year it's
being hosted by Johnny Arson and Bud McMolson. Vhen you're a purely
commercial item like me, you have to travel a lot.
Xaphod: But you're Jewish, what are you doing on a Christmas special?
Phil: Believe me, it vasn't my idea. Some people out there actually
think I'm Christ reborn. I knew a kid in Brooklyn name Jesus
Martinez, but that's as close as I ever got. Anyvay, I'm hot right
now in the market, so I go on any show they can get me on.
Arnold Lint: That's unbelievable! How'd you get started in the
business?
Phil:
Vell, I tell ya'. One day I'm sitting there, eating a lox on
rye, and some movie man comes up to me and says: "I'm gonna
make you are star". Next thing I know I'm in some nutso
movie vith a bunch of little kids. I hate little kids. No
sooner does the movie hit the screens than there are E.C.
video games, clothing, silverware, contraceptives, books,
posters, and kinky undergarments. You name it and I was on
it. Then came the TV shows and all the publicity events - I
actually cut the ribbon on the Jimmy Carter Memorial Brothel
and Pro Shop! Then I had to appear at the opening of "Nukes
are Us" - a store for budding nuclear powers.
Xaphod: Wow, thats wild.
Phil: Vell, I gotta run.
Gillian: Bye!
(The bright light once again fills the bridge, it fades and
E.C. is gone.)
Arnold Lint: That was incredible!
Martin: If you say so!
Rod: Quiet!
Xaphod: Well, we're here . . . Netrothea!
Martin: Oh joy and yummies.
******************** End Of Part 4 ********************
What will Arnold Lint and the crew of the Infinity find on
Netrothea? For the answer to this spine-tingling question .
. . Tune in next time . . . same Net-time . . . same
Net-channel. Also, be sure not to miss the BIG NET CHRISTMAS
SPECIAL starring Johnny Arson, Bud McMolson, Richard Nixon,
Barry Manilow, Richard Simmons, and Teddy the Wonder Lizard.
------------------------------
Hitch Hikers Guide To The Net
Episode 5 - Netrothea
(The Infinity is about to land on Netrothea. It is here that Xaphod
hopes to find a wealth of data to sell back to the Net for immense
profits.)
Rod: Okay Martin, lets land.
Martin: Do we have to?
Xaphod: Yes!
Martin: Very well.
Gillian: Cheer up Martin, maybe you'll meet a nice lady android.
Wouldn't that be nice.
Martin: Not really.
Arnold Lint: How 'bout a nice male android?
Martin: That's right more abuse, aren't things bad enough already?
Besides, how can an android be homosexual? Come to think of it, we
can't be heterosexual either! How dreadful.
Rod: Quiet, we've landed.
Xaphod: How fantastic!
Gillian: How wonderful.
Martin: How awful.
All: Oh shut up!
Xaphod: Right, lets go!
(The door to the Infinity opens to reveal the landscape of
Netrothea. It is indeed a strange landscape. The ground has
the consistency of a partially frozen waterbed covered with
rich Corinthian leather. Flames spring forth from the soil
in primordial spleandor, displaying brilliant patterns of
red and green. Off in the distance, great orange hills
reflect the light of the purple sun. Polka-dotted polygram
clouds move swiftly in uneven patterns across the blue and
grey striped sky. The hills seemed to have been polished by
the winds of time into huge reflective mounds which make
light dance on the valleys below. Great forests of trees
are off to the right. The trees are only 4 feet tall, but 20
feet wide. Stainless steel leaves hang from their bubble
gum branches as pink and black steam spews from their
exposed roots. The air stings with the scent of stale
oysters and rotting, 3 day old, MacDougals BigMuck's. There
is still no sign of civilization. The 12" CRT on Xaphod's
shoulder starts up: "This is David Halfmind. Tomorrow on
'Good Morning Idiots', we'll discuss herpes, the death
penalty, and aerobics at the office. We'll also be talking
with Yassir Arrafat about fashions for hot climates . In
addition, we'll have some wonderful holiday recipes from the
Ayatollah Khomieni. Also, don't miss our special feature, 'A
trip to the Police Morgue', which we'll show right after the
weather report."]
Gillian: Ugh, how awful.
Martin: Thats what I keep telling you.
Xaphod: Wow, what a great place for a vacation.
Arnold Lint: Yah, if you enjoy misery.
["The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Net" lists Netrothea as
being in the top 10 places frequented by masochists. The
wretched climate and unfriendly people (who used to inhabit
the place) made Netrothea about as much fun as a spinal tap
performed with a boat hook. Netrothea's popularity waned as
more and more places of vastly inferior quality were either
discovered or created. When these new, modern,
haunts-for-the-very-sick hit the market, old establishments
(like Netrothea) were doomed. The Netrothean government
tried to boost tourist trade by offering 'Club Mud'
vacations to Netrothea's famous 'Bile Bog', but it was to no
avail.]
Martin: I can't even enjoy misery, I hate this place too.
Rod: Quiet!
Xaphod: Lets go over there.
(Arnold Lint and crew make their way around the 20 foot wide
trees, past the 40 foot tall monolith, under the stopwatch
draped over the towel rack, and over the 10 foot diameter
pimple. They finally arrive at a door set into the ground. A
stuffed penguin stands by the door, on it's head is a button
labeled "Ring for Verbal Abuse". Etched into the door are
the words:
"X = 101010 Copyrighted by Deep Thought, so bug off".)
Arnold Lint: One-Zero-One-Zero-One-Zero? What does it mean?
Xaphod: I don't know?
Gillian: Should we press the button?
Rod: Might as well.
Xaphod: (Trying to open the door) Yah, the door's locked anyway.
Arnold, why don't YOU press the button.
Arnold Lint: Thank you very much, I think not.
Martin: All right, I'll do it.
(Martin presses the button, the door flies open, and a man pops out
to great the Infinity crew. He is dressed in a business suit and
sports a "Stupidity is it's own reward" button on his jacket.)
Man: Well, what do you want you smelly, squirming insignificant
vermin?
Rod: We wanted to get in the door . . . who are you?
Man: Oh, I'm Flarg Brittashik, awfully nice to meet you.
Xaphod: (Confused) You're names' what?
Flarg: FLARG BRITTASHIK, what are deaf as well as stupid? What a
bunch of mindless, horrific oafs!
Arnold Lint: Look you, just let us in the door and then push off!!
Flarg: Why didn't you say so, follow me.
(Flarg descends down the stairs, the rest follow. The stairs form a
spiral, with a half-gainer twist, descending at an incredible rate to
the interior of Netrothea. The stairway is lit by the glow from
hallibut fished out of the sea around the nearby nuclear power
plant.)
Rod: Where are we going?
Flarg: WHERE ARE WE GOING?! What a perfectly stupid question. We're
obviously going down you sickening, malodorous pervert!
Gillian: Do you realize that you're insulting us, and then the
next moment being polite to us?
Flarg: Oh, am I? I hadn't noticed.
Rod: Well it's bloody anoying, mate.
Flarg: Well, tough rocko's if I do, you wiper of other people's
behinds!
[The act of wiping other peoples behinds, according to "The Hitch
Hikers Guide to the Net", was once considered a quite honorable
profession in certain areas of the Net. In fact, many of the old
regimes went so far as to have Royal Behind Wipers (or RBW's for
those readers used to TLA's - three letter acronyms) whose sole task
it was to walk around behind his or her appointed monarch with toilet
paper in hand and perform the specified duty. Although this may seem
an unpopular job, the pay was quite good. As such, positions as Royal
'Pooper Scoopers' were often granted based on tournaments. These
tournaments resembled the earth's olympics except for two facets.
First, all events (actually, they only lasted for one event) were
fought to the death. And second, any event thought up had to envolve
the creative use of human excrement. ]
Martin: You know, I would have thought any place as awful as this
might have been amusing to me. But it's just as bad as the
rest of the Net. Good thing I'm just an android and don't
have to ponder the reasons why the Net is as it is. I can
just be content knowing that it can only get worse.
Xaphod: One more word out of you, and I'll go at your memory banks
with a chainsaw!!!
******************** End Of Part 5 ********************
What will Arnold Lint and the crew of the Infinity find in Netrothea?
Will Flarg Brittashik insult them to distraction? Or are the already
distracted? Will Xaphod end up doing a lumberjack-job on Martin's
memory banks? In the off chance of being told the answers to these,
and other, ad-libbed questions . . . Tune in next time . . . same
Net-time . . . same Net-channel.
------------------------------
End of SF-LOVERS Digest
***********************okie@ihuxs.UUCP (B.K. Cobb) (05/10/84)
Thanks much for posting HHGTtN (10-13) and TRATEOtN (1,2) to net.jokes.d. Now...can you possibly post HHGTtN (1-9) so I can read the whole thing through from start to finish? Pleeeeezzzze??? BKCobb ihnp4!ihuxs!okie