funny@looking.UUCP (Funny Guy) (11/27/88)
The following is a collection of jokes taken from the 1988 REC.HUMOR.FUNNY
Computer Network Humour Annual. These jokes were all posted to
rec.humor.funny in the last year and a half.
Included are jokes that might be offensive to WASPS, Gentiles,
Soviets and anti-semites. There are also some sexual references
Yes, the evil racist anti-semite Brad Templeton posted all these jokes.
In fact, they're some of my favourites! (These are just a sample. I've
posted jokes for and on just about every group there is.)
And yes, Richmond, Makowsky, Schwartz and Gould, you're allowed to read
these ones!
=================================================
Subject: Another joke from Poland
From: keithe@tekgvs.TEK.COM (Keith Ericson at TekLabs (resident factious factotum))
Keywords: laugh
The line in front of the Butcher shop in Warsaw is long,
indeed, and the people grow weary, ever more weary, of the wait.
Eventually an official comes out and announces "We are very low
on meat; all Jews must leave the line." So the Jews in the line
quit the queue and head for home, empty-handed.
After some more of a wait the same official reappears
and announces, "We are even lower on meat that we thought. All
non-party members must leave the line." So all the non-card-carrying
members standing in line begin heading for home, equally empty-handed.
After some more time the official appears to declare "All
Serbs and Croats must leave the line; we haven't enough meat for
you." Disappointed, they leave the line and wander off.
Well, you guessed it: a bit later the same official appears
and informs the remaining people "Unfortunately we have run out of
meat entirely - you may as well {it all} go home," and disappears back
into the store.
"Isn't that just the way it always is," mutters one old man
as he departs. "Those damn Jews get all the breaks!"
(Since racism is *never* funny, I hope you didn't laugh at the above.)
========================================
Subject: A Genie joke
From: "Henry_Cate_III.PA"@XEROX.COM
Organization: Xerox, Sunnyvale, CA
Keywords: rec.humor, heard it, funny
One day an old jewish pole, living in Warsaw, has his last light bulb
burn out. To get a new one he'll have to stand in line for two hours
at the store (and they'll probably be out by the time he gets there),
so he goes up to his attic and starts rummaging around for an old oil
lamp he vaguely remembers seeing.
He finds the old brass lamp in the bottom of a trunk that has seen
better days. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in
cloud of smoke.
"Hoho, Mortal!" says the genie, stretching and yawning, "For releasing
me I will grant you three wishes."
The old man thinks for a moment, and says, "I want Genghis Khan
resurrected. I want him to re-unite his mongol hordes, march to the
Polish border, and then decide he doesn't want the place and march
back home."
"No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?"
"Ok. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his
mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, and then decide he doesn't
want the place and march back home."
"Hmmm. Well, all right. Your third wish?"
"I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---"
"Okokok. Right. What's this business about Genghis Khan marching to
Poland and turning around again?"
The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times."
--
Henry Cate III
========================================
Subject: One of my personal favourites
From: john@geac.UUCP (John Henshaw)
Organization: The little blue rock next to that twinkly star.
Keywords: rec.humor, sidesplit, heard it
Scenario: A Bishop (B) and a Rabbi (R) are sharing a train compartment. After
a short while, the two men of the cloth start relating some of their
past life experiences...
(General conversation...)
B: So tell me, Rabbi, have you ever actually tasted ham?
R: Well yes, in fact. Once when I was very young and daring, I
tried it. But only the once...
(short pause)
R: So tell me Bishop, have you ever ... enjoyed the comforts of a
young woman?
B: Well, ahem, yes... before I took my vows, mind you, when I was
not so old and not so wise...
[another short pause]
R: Zo, it's better than ham, hmm?
{ed If somebody hadn't sent this one out, I would have done it myself,
eventually. }
--
John Henshaw
========================================
Subject: The Best Hotels
From: <watmath!ulysses!houdi!jld>
Keywords: laugh
(This joke is best told and not read. It helps if you can do dialects.)
Time: late 1940's
Place: New York
There were these two elderly Jewish gentlemen visiting the Big Apple
when they decided it was getting late and they needed to find a room
for the night. As they passed one hotel, one man says to the other, "Why
don't we try this one?" The other says, "Are you crazy? It says on the
sign that this is a restricted hotel. You know what that means? It
means they don't let Jews in!" To which the first man replies,
"Restricted, reschmicted. Let's go in and have a little fun. Just
let me do all the talking."
So the two men enter and approach the desk clerk.
Man: (in thick Yiddish accent) We want a room!
Clerk: (Flustered. With a "Connecticut clench") I'm sorry, but this
is a RESTRICTED hotel. We do NOT allow Jewish people to stay here.
Man: What makes you think I'm Jewish? I'm just as Christian as you are!
Come on, ask me a Christion question!
The clerk decides to amuse him.
Clerk: OK. OK. Where was Jesus born?
Man: Such a question! Everybody knows that Jesus was born in a stable.
Come on, ask me another Christian question!
Clerk: (Impatient) Look. I know you are Jewish and you are not staying
here!
Man: Come on, ask me a question. Ask me, "What for was Jesus born in a
stable!"
Clerk: (visibly angry) All right! Why was Jesus born in a stable!?
Man: Because a schmuck like you wouldn't give his mother a room either!
--
Jeff David
========================================
Subject: Russian joke (yet another)
From: goldberg@russell.stanford.edu (Jeffrey Goldberg)
Organization: Center for the Study of Language and Information, Stanford U.
Keywords: chuckle
An old woman was sitting in a park in Moscow reading a "Teach
Yourself Hebrew" book. A policeman notices her and decides to
start to give her a hard time.
"What are you reading that for?" he shouts at her.
She replies, "I am old, and I will die soon. I want to be
prepared; so I am studying the language of heaven."
The cop says, "Well, how do know that it's heaven that you are going
to?"
The old women answers, "Well, honestly I don't, but that's okay. I
already speak Russian."
--
Jeff Goldberg Internet: goldberg@russell.stanford.edu
========================================
Subject: WASP jokes - offensive to someone out there
From: andrea@metavax.UUCP (Ms. Math)
Organization: What, me organized?
Keywords: rec.humor, rec_humor_cull, chuckle, offense=wasp
{ed This is the best of the wasp joke collections I have seen. I'm sure
there are more, but you're too late. }
Q: Why did God create WASPs?
A: Someone has to buy retail!
Q: What do WASPs think Zimbabwe Rhodesia is?
A: A wide receiver for the Houston Oilers.
Q: How can you tell if a WASP is sexually excited?
A: The stiff upper lip.
Q: What's an American WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
A: Dating a Canadian.
Q: What does a little WASP girl want to be when she grows up?
A: "The very best person I possibly can."
Q: What's a WASP's idea of social security?
A: An ancestor on the Mayflower.
Q: Why did the WASP cross the street?
A: To get to the middle of the road.
Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?
A: A dinner party.
Q: What do WASPs think of the Mideast situation?
A: Well, Newport is all right, but EVERYbody goes to the Cape.
Q: How does a WASP propose marriage?
A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?"
Q: What's a WASP's idea of affirmative action?
A: Hiring South American jockeys.
Q: What do WASPs say after sex?
A: "Thank you very much. I'm sorry. It won't happen again.
Q: What's a WASP's definition of conspicuous consumption?
A: A Sunfish with a spinnaker.
Q. What do you call a WASP with a four-inch prick?
A. Well hung.
Q. How can you tell when a WASP is dead?
A. He lets go of his wallet.
Q. What do you call a WASP virgin?
A. You can't. Her number's unlisted.
Q. What's a WASP's favourite song?
A. "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas."
Q. What does a professional WASP call her boss?
A. Daddy
Q: How many WASPS does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. Two to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.
Q: What is a WASP menage a trois?
A: Two headaches and one hard-on.
Q: Why do WASPs play golf?
A: So they can dress like pimps.
-- Andrea Zastrow
Q. What is the definition of a WASP?
A. Someone who gets out of the shower to take a leak.
--seismo!godot.think.com!mincy
--
The rec.humor.funny fascist. (Thanks to whoever gave me that title!)