marty@ism780c.UUCP (Marty Smith) (08/13/86)
Now that Jorges Louis Borges is gone, I've decided to take over his position as bizarre short story writer. Yesterday, I started writing my first bizarre short story, but I got stuck. It starts out like this: Alice Chalmers was a bulldozer of a woman, always pushing people around. That's where I got stuck. Any ideas? Marty Louis Smith
peredo@nike.UUCP (08/14/86)
la la la la LA la la LA la Good. Now that I have that out of my system: And now for something completely dissimilar: In article <3180@ism780c.UUCP> marty@ism780c.UUCP (Marty Smith) writes: > >That's where I got stuck. Any ideas? > > Marty Louis Smith Yeah. Get a rope, tie one end to a horse and the other end around your neck. Then yell, "YEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAH!!!!" That should get you unstuck. === Jim "Please tolerate me; it's my 2nd to last day" Peredo -- Walt: Whaddya going to name your kid? ------------------------ Jim: Me? Ummm... Potato. Yeah. | Jimbo | Walt: Potato Peredo, huh? Cute. |peredo@ames-titan.arpa| |peredo@titan.ames.gov |
st94wb@sdcc12.UUCP (08/14/86)
In article <3180@ism780c.UUCP>, marty@ism780c.UUCP (Marty Smith) writes: > > Now that Jorges Louis Borges is gone, I've decided to take over his > position as bizarre short story writer. Yesterday, I started writing my > first bizarre short story, but I got stuck. It starts out like this: > > Alice Chalmers was a bulldozer of a woman, always pushing people > around. > > That's where I got stuck. Any ideas? > > Marty Louis Smith Wearing yellow overalls, he would often cruise the streets of Laredo, walking up to various innocent persons and making a "vrooom-gzshsh" sound before body-blocking them into the gutter. Then one day... Your turn. Wade
st94wb@sdcc12.UUCP (08/15/86)
In article <648@sdcc12.UUCP>, st94wb@sdcc12.UUCP (wade blomgren) writes: > [my contribution to the story about Alice Chalmers] on the first line, please substitute the word 'she' for the word 'he' I guess my 's' key malfunctioned Wade ...!net1!wade
matt@saber.UUCP (08/15/86)
> > Now that Jorges Louis Borges is gone, I've decided to take over his > position as bizarre short story writer. Yesterday, I started writing my > first bizarre short story, but I got stuck. It starts out like this: > > Alice Chalmers was a bulldozer of a woman, always pushing people > around. > > That's where I got stuck. Any ideas? > Make it a "lighter" story. -- * Matt Perez * DISCLAIMER: beis-ball has bean bery, bery guud too me matt@saber.uucp sun!saber!matt@decwrl.dec.com ...{ihnp4,sun}!saber!matt Saber Technology Corp / 2381 Bering Drive / San Jose, CA 95131 (480) 435-8600
bobr@zeus.UUCP (Robert Reed) (08/15/86)
>Marty Smith< > Alice Chalmers was a bulldozer of a woman, always pushing people around. >Wade Blomgren< > Wearing yellow overalls, he would often cruise the streets of Laredo, > walking up to various innocent persons and making a "vrooom-gzshsh" sound > before body-blocking them into the gutter. Then one day... >Robert Reed< ...Casey Quipment lumbered into town. She could tell by his suspension that he was well hung, probably D-8 or D-9. Her U-joints seeped in anticipation of making mountains with this steely blade. Your turn.
marty@ism780c.UUCP (Marty Smith) (08/15/86)
In article <648@sdcc12.UUCP> st94wb@sdcc12.UUCP (wade blomgren) writes: >In article <3180@ism780c.UUCP>, marty@ism780c.UUCP (Marty Smith) writes: >> Our story so far: >> >> Alice Chalmers was a bulldozer of a woman, always pushing >> people around. Wearing yellow overalls, she would often cruise the > streets of Laredo, walking up to various innocent persons and > making a "vrooom-gzshsh" sound before body-blocking them into the > gutter. Then one day, the Laredo city fathers met in a special emergency meeting to decide what to do about Alice. It wasn't so much her brutish behavior that bothered the townsfolk as it was the dark fumes that constantly emanated from the back side of her yellow overhauls. "Something must be done," cried Jerome Peabody, owner and operator of Jerome's Fertilizer Emporium. "She broke into the yard last night and mixed ten tons of cow manure in with my new shipment of bat guano!" Jerome was a meat and potatoes man from way back. He always ate his carrots first, and woe be unto he who mixed Jerome's carrots in with his mashed potatoes. A number of other citizens agreed with Jerome, each standing in turn to speak his or her mind with all the flatulence of a fourhundred pound naked hairdresser getting up off a naugahyde couch on a hot day. Martin
rft@ihuxb.UUCP (Tamos) (08/17/86)
> In article <648@sdcc12.UUCP> st94wb@sdcc12.UUCP (wade blomgren) writes: > >In article <3180@ism780c.UUCP>, marty@ism780c.UUCP (Marty Smith) writes: > >> > Our story so far: > >> > >> Alice Chalmers was a bulldozer of a woman, always pushing > >> people around. Wearing yellow overalls, she would often cruise the > > streets of Laredo, walking up to various innocent persons and > > making a "vrooom-gzshsh" sound before body-blocking them into the > > gutter. Then one day, the Laredo city fathers met in a special > emergency meeting to decide what to do about Alice. It wasn't so > much her brutish behavior that bothered the townsfolk as it was the > dark fumes that constantly emanated from the back side of her yellow > overhauls. > "Something must be done," cried Jerome Peabody, owner and > operator of Jerome's Fertilizer Emporium. "She broke into the yard > last night and mixed ten tons of cow manure in with my new > shipment of bat guano!" Jerome was a meat and potatoes man from way > back. He always ate his carrots first, and woe be unto he who mixed > Jerome's carrots in with his mashed potatoes. > A number of other citizens agreed with Jerome, each standing > in turn to speak his or her mind with all the flatulence of a > fourhundred pound naked hairdresser getting up off a naugahyde > couch on a hot day. One citizen in particular however, was conspicuously silent. With a sense of amusement, he sat in the center of the room listening to and observing all that transpired. Following the meeting, several perplexed citizens quietly asked him why nothing was said. Archibald Sawyer replied, "Well, it's like this. I knew Alice when, when she was as sleek as a 'vette." The questioners were in awe. In the 371 cumulative years of existence, not one citizen could remember Alice in such a way.
faustus@ucbcad.BERKELEY.EDU (Wayne A. Christopher) (08/19/86)
In article <1279@ihuxb.UUCP>, rft@ihuxb.UUCP (Tamos) writes: > > In article <648@sdcc12.UUCP> st94wb@sdcc12.UUCP (wade blomgren) writes: > > >In article <3180@ism780c.UUCP>, marty@ism780c.UUCP (Marty Smith) writes: > > >> > > Our story so far: > > >> > > >> Alice Chalmers was a bulldozer of a woman, always pushing > > >> people around. Wearing yellow overalls, she would often cruise the > > > streets of Laredo, walking up to various innocent persons and > > > making a "vrooom-gzshsh" sound before body-blocking them into the > > > gutter. Then one day, the Laredo city fathers met in a special > > emergency meeting to decide what to do about Alice. It wasn't so > > much her brutish behavior that bothered the townsfolk as it was the > > dark fumes that constantly emanated from the back side of her yellow > > overhauls. > > "Something must be done," cried Jerome Peabody, owner and > > operator of Jerome's Fertilizer Emporium. "She broke into the yard > > last night and mixed ten tons of cow manure in with my new > > shipment of bat guano!" Jerome was a meat and potatoes man from way > > back. He always ate his carrots first, and woe be unto he who mixed > > Jerome's carrots in with his mashed potatoes. > > A number of other citizens agreed with Jerome, each standing > > in turn to speak his or her mind with all the flatulence of a > > fourhundred pound naked hairdresser getting up off a naugahyde > > couch on a hot day. One citizen in particular however, was > conspicuously silent. With a sense of amusement, he sat in the center > of the room listening to and observing all that transpired. > Following the meeting, several perplexed citizens quietly asked > him why nothing was said. Archibald Sawyer replied, "Well, it's like > this. I knew Alice when, when she was as sleek as a 'vette." The > questioners were in awe. In the 371 cumulative years of existence, > not one citizen could remember Alice in such a way. "Yes", the small but somehow *unnatural* man continued, "It was in the old days, when man was yet young. Alice Chalmers and I ruled a universe. We were gods, I say, and gloried in our power. Never since has such a..." "Oh shut up, you old fool", said Caleb Hayseed. "You're crazy." He and the rest left the building, shaking their heads, as the small man who had recently held their attention writhed upon the floor making gurgling noises. As the men left the building a loud sound from one side drew their attention. As one man, they turned and beheld a sight which few mortal men had seen. "Shee-it, willya lookit that!", one gasped. Then it went away, and they continued on. There were five of them, in the group that walked purposefully towards Alice Chalmer's house on the outskirts of the small town. There was Jerome, who knew his mind and spoke it; there was Caleb, who walked tall and surveyed the town as if he owned it; there was Mike Mulligan, a towering man with a iron jaw and a leather gut, with a sledgehammer for a left and a telephone pole for a right; and then there were a couple of other guys who I don't know the names of. "Well, here we are," said Caleb. They looked down, and sure enough, they were standing on an expanse of calico cloth. "The outskirts of Laredo." They looked up, and there in front of them was a ramshackled old building. Being careful to avoid the bad tempered but securely bound goat, they approached the heavy iron door...
matt@saber.UUCP (08/19/86)
>In article <1279@ihuxb.UUCP>, rft@ihuxb.UUCP (Tamos) writes: >>>In article <648@sdcc12.UUCP> st94wb@sdcc12.UUCP (wade blomgren) writes: >>>>In article <3180@ism780c.UUCP>, marty@ism780c.UUCP (Marty Smith) writes: >>>> >>>> Our story so far: >>>> >>>> Alice Chalmers was a bulldozer of a woman, always pushing >>>> people around. Wearing yellow overalls, she would often cruise the >>>> streets of Laredo, walking up to various innocent persons and >>>> making a "vrooom-gzshsh" sound before body-blocking them into the >>>> gutter. Then one day, the Laredo city fathers met in a special >>> emergency meeting to decide what to do about Alice. It wasn't so >>> much her brutish behavior that bothered the townsfolk as it was the >>> dark fumes that constantly emanated from the back side of her yellow >>> overhauls. >>> "Something must be done," cried Jerome Peabody, owner and >>> operator of Jerome's Fertilizer Emporium. "She broke into the yard >>> last night and mixed ten tons of cow manure in with my new >>> shipment of bat guano!" Jerome was a meat and potatoes man from way >>> back. He always ate his carrots first, and woe be unto he who mixed >>> Jerome's carrots in with his mashed potatoes. >>> A number of other citizens agreed with Jerome, each standing >>> in turn to speak his or her mind with all the flatulence of a >>> fourhundred pound naked hairdresser getting up off a naugahyde >>> couch on a hot day. One citizen in particular however, was >> conspicuously silent. With a sense of amusement, he sat in the center >> of the room listening to and observing all that transpired. >> Following the meeting, several perplexed citizens quietly asked >> him why nothing was said. Archibald Sawyer replied, "Well, it's like >> this. I knew Alice when, when she was as sleek as a 'vette." The >> questioners were in awe. In the 371 cumulative years of existence, >> not one citizen could remember Alice in such a way. > Yes", the small but somehow *unnatural* man continued, "It was > in the old days, when man was yet young. Alice Chalmers and I > ruled a universe. We were gods, I say, and gloried in our power. > Never since has such a..." > "Oh shut up, you old fool", said Caleb Hayseed. "You're > crazy." He and the rest left the building, shaking their heads, as > the small man who had recently held their attention writhed upon the > floor making gurgling noises. > As the men left the building a loud sound from one side > drew their attention. As one man, they turned and beheld a sight > which few mortal men had seen. "Shee-it, willya lookit that!", > one gasped. Then it went away, and they continued on. > There were five of them, in the group that walked purposefully > towards Alice Chalmer's house on the outskirts of the small town. > There was Jerome, who knew his mind and spoke it; there was Caleb, > who walked tall and surveyed the town as if he owned it; there was > Mike Mulligan, a towering man with a iron jaw and a leather gut, with > a sledgehammer for a left and a telephone pole for a right; and then > there were a couple of other guys who I don't know the names of. > "Well, here we are," said Caleb. They looked down, and sure > enough, they were standing on an expanse of calico cloth. "The > outskirts of Laredo." They looked up, and there in front of them > was [the] ramshackled old building. Being careful to avoid the > bad tempered but securely bound goat, they approached the heavy iron > door with clumsy but quiet steps. The goat let go a low and menacing growl as they got close to the tin cans piled up to the side of the barely distinguishable path that lead to the front door. Suddenly, the goat burst into a loud barking. The barking was clearly audible until the last of the goat's shreds hit the ground. That was obviously a case of spontaneous barking explosion. That was the case of unruly behavior that Alice had become infamous for and it had to stop once and for all. And our clumsy heroes were about to make sure that it would be so. They dusted the goat dust off their shoulders as they continued to walk towards the house. But they weren't going straight for the front door. They veered off to ... -- * Matt Perez * DISCLAIMER: beis-ball has bean bery, bery guud too me matt@saber.uucp sun!saber!matt@decwrl.dec.com ...{ihnp4,sun}!saber!matt Saber Technology Corp / 2381 Bering Drive / San Jose, CA 95131 (480) 435-8600
artm@phred.UUCP (Art "Hot From PHX" Marriott) (08/26/86)
In article <1279@ihuxb.UUCP> rft@ihuxb.UUCP (Tamos) writes: >> In article <648@sdcc12.UUCP> st94wb@sdcc12.UUCP (wade blomgren) writes: >> >In article <3180@ism780c.UUCP>, marty@ism780c.UUCP (Marty Smith) writes: >> >> >> Our story so far: >> >> >> >> Alice Chalmers was a bulldozer of a woman, always pushing >> >> people around. Wearing yellow overalls, she would often cruise the >> > streets of Laredo, walking up to various innocent persons and >> > making a "vrooom-gzshsh" sound before body-blocking them into the >> > gutter. Then one day, the Laredo city fathers met in a special >> emergency meeting to decide what to do about Alice. It wasn't so >> much her brutish behavior that bothered the townsfolk as it was the >> dark fumes that constantly emanated from the back side of her yellow >> overhauls. >> "Something must be done," cried Jerome Peabody, owner and >> operator of Jerome's Fertilizer Emporium. "She broke into the yard >> last night and mixed ten tons of cow manure in with my new >> shipment of bat guano!" Jerome was a meat and potatoes man from way >> back. He always ate his carrots first, and woe be unto he who mixed >> Jerome's carrots in with his mashed potatoes. >> A number of other citizens agreed with Jerome, each standing >> in turn to speak his or her mind with all the flatulence of a >> fourhundred pound naked hairdresser getting up off a naugahyde >> couch on a hot day. One citizen in particular however, was > conspicuously silent. With a sense of amusement, he sat in the center > of the room listening to and observing all that transpired. > Following the meeting, several perplexed citizens quietly asked > him why nothing was said. Archibald Sawyer replied, "Well, it's like > this. I knew Alice when, when she was as sleek as a 'vette." The > questioners were in awe. In the 371 cumulative years of existence, > not one citizen could remember Alice in such a way. Three breasts. Bat fu. Fertilizer fu. Head rolls. Hairdresser rolls. Methane rolls. A forty-three on the vomit meter. Drive In Academy Awards to Jerome and especially to Alice, for the most creative use of yellow in recent history. Two and a half stars. Joe Bob says check it out.