glenn@decwrl.dec.com (Glenn Thain) (11/14/87)
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HEAVENLY APPOINTMENTS - (OR, How RED were My Eyes!)
(Heaven, just outside the Pearly Gates. A crowd of Souls has gathered
to listen to an Angel pontificate on the virtues of one of the candiates
to be nominated to the Soul Advisory Comittee. As the Angel's voice raises,
it catches the ear of GOD and Peter who are strolling on the otherside of the
Gate for their morning constitutional.)
Angel - "Although it really isn't an issue for the campaign, I'd like to
mention that I've never participated in any of the Baccanalian
Revels over Mount Olympus way, not do I do recreational flights over
the Lower Planes. Now if only my opponents would come as clean....."
Peter and GOD slowly wander away from the Gate, a Cherub floats by
wearing a SF GIANTS cap and holding two mitts. GOD waves and the Cherub smiles
but keeps floating.
Peter - "It seems that catch is becoming quite popular with the unborn souls."
GOD - "Yes, it seems to be a young souls activity. Nice to see them out
enjoying themselves."
A flash of light interrupts the discussion, and SATN is suddenly standing
before them, wearing a slinky evening dress. His features resemble those of
Cybil Shepard's while his voice rumbles like that of Bruce Willis's.
SATAN - "Hello GOD, Peter. How's tricks?"
GOD - "Feeling androgenous today SATAN? Sniffing Angel Hair again?"
SATAN - "GOD, GOD, you know I gave it up for Lent." SATAN laughs.
Peter - "I don't suppose....."
SATAN - "Done." Another flash and SATAN suddenly looks again like SATAN.
GOD - "Careful of the hooves, I had to have tiles replaced the last time.
What brings you here today?"
SATAN - "Well, politics always interest me and I understand that YOU'VE got
an opening on the Soul Advisory Committee that YOU'RE trying to fill.
Isn't this the final Committee that hears the soul's case and
determines Final Judgement?"
GOD - "Yes, I believe it is."
Peter - "Just what are you getting at SATAN?"
SATAN - "Peter, Peter, my old friend. I'm not getting 'at' anything. I'm just
curious about the selection process for candidates and the suitablity
of their moral stances. You know, ever since Jesus played his tent
revival show on the Mezzanine, Hell has been filling up with all sorts
of undesirable elements. Take that Hitler fellow, always trying to
organize an elite cadre of discontented devils into a "political
unit". I remember the old days, give me Cannites over Nazi's anyday."
GOD - "Really? I sould think one despotic race was enough."
SATAN - laughing - "How true. But, I digress. I suppose YOU'VE been keeping
an ear to the ground so YOU know that soul YOU support isn't really
garnishing much public support?"
GOD - "Part of the problems of running a government which espouses free
thoughts is that given a large population base there will be a measurable
amount of dissent to any decision. Petitions have been filed and there
have been a number of alternate candidates presented."
SATAN - "But....."
GOD - smiling - "But....."
GOD and SATAN both laugh.
SATAN - "Still, I don't feel comfortable with the current appointee. He is a
radical thinker, left wing, I remember that he tried to overthrow
YOU once or twice in his career here."
GOD - "True enough I suppose. But his philosophy on admissible evidence for
FINAL JUDGEMENT seems to be sound. He's even presented a plan which would
restructure the PURGATORY morass that's built up over the years to allow
for a final phase out. Further, I noticed that his three point plan
concerning Universal expansionism has garnished the attentions of the
HELL HERALD's political editors. No, I think he's a fine choice."
SATAN - "But his earthly record is less than perfect. Look at the facts.
Radical subversive, terrorist, bigoted capitalist, author of
left wing papers, idealist, drug user. Mark my words, they'll be
Hell to pay if he's appointed!"
GOD - "Perhaps. Perhaps not. Controversy is crucial to the development of
a free society, it creates an atmosphere for an exchange of ideas
and philosophies which otherwise would remain buried."
SATAN - "Not to burst YOUR bubble, but the Puritans are agog over this soul's
one time chemical dependency. Do you intend to test him for drugs?"
GOD - "Souls are a little beyond that. I seriously doubt that something he did
during his earthly existance would show up."
SATAN - "I don't know, I screen all *my* employees using the ectoplasmatic
analyzer, shows up any hidden sins they might have tucked away. I'd
be willing to loan it to you. For a fee of course."
GOD - "Of course! Chemical dependency isn't the issue here, unless he's been
dipping into the fairy dust or Angel Hair there isn't anything a soul
could do to impare judgement."
SATAN - "Yes, but once an abuser always an abuser!"
GOD - "Abuse?"
SATAN - shakes his head and nods Peter's direction - "See? Not even you're
best advisors knew. This soul had quite an earthly habit, imbibbed
his drugs at least three times a day, sometimes even four. To top it
off he was even under the influence when he was part of the government
structure."
GOD - "So? He's here now and there's been no abuse."
SATAN - "But GOD! This soul intends to restructure the basic JUDGEMENT accords
to allow souls easier access to Heaven!"
GOD - "I know."
SATAN - "He advocates less stringent controls on transfers and an earlier
review of borderline cases!"
GOD - "I know."
SATAN - "He's all for decentralization of the Heavenly Administration, he
wants to return Heaven to the souls!"
GOD - "I know, it'll give ME more time for fishing."
SATAN - "He's talking about rotation of the Angelic Host."
GOD - "It'll be good for them."
SATAN - "Wants to open the individual sections, let the souls mix!"
GOD - "Good, I was contemplating that anyway!"
SATAN - "The Mormon Camp isn't happy about this appointment."
GOD - "No, I suppose they aren't."
SATAN - "Neither are the various other political factions here. I really feel
YOU'RE committing political suicide if YOU appoint him!"
GOD - "Perhaps. But I hold by MY decision."
SATAN - "Even if Heaven fragments around YOU'RE ears?"
GOD - "I seriously doubt that Heaven would fragment. MY appointee has admitted
everything and his earthly slate is a matter of public record. Further -
more I've had long discussions with him and find him well suited to the
job. End of discussion. Thank you for your input, please watch your step
on the way out."
SATAN - "You'll rue this day....."
SATAN vanishes in a puff of fire and brimstone leaving the air foul with
sulpherous fumes.
Peter - "You know, perhaps SATAN has a point."
GOD - "Care to elaborate?"
Peter - "Well, the SAC has always promoted itself as the final arbitrator and
interpeter of YOUR word. Each candidate has been picked for it's
objectivity and purity of thought. As far back as I can remember the
SAC has been the paragon of what each soul should aspire to. How will
it look to have some soul who doesn't measure up in the public eye? How
will the new arrivals feel when they learn their cases went before
a council which participated in the same sins they're accused of?"
GOD - "I must admit that you've raised some interesting points here. I would
imagine that they will be comforted in the knowlege that a kindred soul,
a fellow traveller like themselves sits in judgement. For who would know
better the depth of goodness that rests in all men then one who has
walked as they walk. Please see that the soul called Thomas Jefferson
has an easy transition into his new position Peter. I think I see
a game of catch I'd like to play in."
FINI
Happy Trails,
Glenn
HASA
glenn@ocean.dec.com