nic@marque.mu.edu (Nic Bernstein) (04/01/88)
SCIENCE NEWSLine Special Report Discoverers at Discovery World discover new particle! Dateline: April 1, 1988; Milwaukee, Wisconsin Researchers at Milwaukee's Discovery World Museum have discovered a new sub-atomic particle possessing properties never before observed, expected or even wished for in those bizzarre spans of time in between wakefulness and sleep. If confirmed, or for that matter just accepted as gospel, these findings could revolutionize post-modern quantum-maniacal thought. The findings were reported this week, by science impersonator Dave Maleckar, before the regular meeting of the Quantum Universe Association of Science Hacks (QUASH) . This particle, dubbed by its discoverers as the Eclectron, is said to possess a range of characteristics similar to that found in quarks; an electrical charge, like that found in protons and electrons; and most interesting is its ability to interact with forces never before known. Below is an excerpt from the transcripts of the meeting: Q:Dr. Maleckar, just how did you make this brave new discovery? A:I'm glad you asked that. We had been doing research for our new traveling show, "The Albert Einstein Experience," when we stumbled across this incredible find. Seeing as we are not a research institution, we didn't pay alot of attention to it at first, but as time went on it just kept popping up. We figured we better tell someone about it. Q:When you say that it kept popping up, just what do you mean? Was it an abberration in your bubble chambers? An anomaly with your accelerators? Just how did it manifest itself? A:I'm glad you asked that. Actually it was a seemingly randomly occurring typographical mistake. But as we looked into it further, we found an underlying pattern which has lead us to the conclusion that it is a new fundamental particle. Q:Could you tell us what properties this "Eclectron" posesses that set it apart from the known particles? A:I'm glad you asked that. It is these properties which really amazed us about the eclectron and our own scientific acumen. First, let me describe what we call the characteristics. These characteristics are similar to "strangness" and "charm" in quarks, as a matter of fact, they are so similar that one of the characteristics is "strange charm" or "Charisma." Charisma is the characteristic of some eclectrons to convince otherwise well behaved particles to do things that would have Bohr rolling over in his grave. As an example, we witnessed a perfectly mild mannered neutron being coerced into taking on a charge for the sole purpose of frustrating a graduate student. The other characteristics are such things as "Zest", "Income" and "Political Affiliation". Q:Excuse me, did you say political affiliation? A:I'm glad you asked that. As a matter of fact, yes. We found that there is a definite difference between liberal and conservative eclectrons, but the lines are blurry. In any given situation you can't be sure just how things will end up, at least not until the mono-poles come out. You see, this is one of the most intriguing aspects of the eclectron; it is not just a particle of a different color, it is a particle of whatever color. This is the populist particle, a kind of a particle for the proles, as it were. Q:Aside from these characteristics, what other properties does the eclectron exhibit? A:I'm glad you asked that. The eclectron is the first particle we've encountered with an AC electrical charge. This gives the eclectron a sort of chameleon quality when it comes to atomic interaction. When you couple this with the eclectron's force of levity, it makes for some very interesting quantum equations. Q:Force of levity? Could you explain that? A:I'm glad you asked that. We witnessed the eclectron masquerading as both protons and electrons at different times, but whenever we tested it on it's own we could find neither a positive or negative charge. As a matter of fact, it was so powerfully neutral that our instruments were pegged out of range. Yet given the right enticement, normally monetary, the particle would take on whatever charge happened to be in vogue at the moment. Now, normal atomic theory would state that one particle just couldn't serve as both an electron and a proton, since the two have such radically different masses. This is were the force of levity comes in. You see the eclectron has the innate ability to lighten any situation, thereby masking its mass and appearing as light as an electron. Under the right circumstances (and if enough other eclectrons are doing it) the particle can even make its mass diminish to nothing and appear to be a photon. Truly amazing! Q:Mr. Maleckar, it is widely known that you hold no degrees in any of the sciences. As a matter of fact, the press commonly refers to you as a "Science Impersonator." Why do you expect us to believe anything you say? A:I'm sorry you asked that. The fact is that I do hold a BS degree from the Upper Volta Technical Institute in the field of agricultural demolitions. Q:Given your obvious incompetence in the field of sub-atomic physics, why should you have been the one to find this particle? A:I'm beginning to regret this Q & A session. The answer to this question is painfully obvious. The eclectron only shows its true colors during election years. The obvious offshoot of this is that since all of you "Scientists" are busy lobbying candidates, and chasing defense grants, you're just too busy to observe this phenomenon. Since we are a private, non- research, facility we don't have this problem. I feel that with the extension of the campaign season, however, more people will have the opportunity to witness this charismatic particle in action. That will be all gentlemen, and members of the press. --- Nic Bernstein Discovery World Museum Milwaukee, Wisconsin uunet!marque!dworld!nic