SBALZAC%YKTVMX.BITNET@Berkeley (07/29/85)
From: Stephen Balzac <SBALZAC%YKTVMX.BITNET@Berkeley>
I saw the following article on why Aliens would want to visit Earth, so
I figured I would contribute it to the discussion.
THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE COMING!
-Dave Barry
I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that the Earth
will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is thinking about
eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to
alien beings. This would be a large mistake. Alien beings have nuclear blaster
death cannons. You cannot cut off their federal programs as if they were
merely poor people.
I realize some of you may not believe that alien beings exist. But how else
can you explain the many unexplained phenomena that people are always sighting,
such as lightning and flying saucers? Oh, I know the authorities claim these
sightings are actually caused by "weather balloons," but that is a bucket of
manure if I ever heard one. (That's just a figure of speech, of course. I
realize manure is silent.)
Answer this question honestly: Have you, or has any member of your immediate
family, ever seen a weather balloon? Of course not. Nobody has. Yet if these
"authorities" were telling the truth, the skies over America would be dark with
weather balloons. Commercial aviation would be impossible. Nevertheless, the
authorities trot out this tired old explanation, or an even stupider one,
every time a flying saucer is sighted.
Wake up, America! There are no weather balloons! Those are alien beings!
They are all around us! I'm sure most of you have seen the movie "E.T.", the
story of an alien who almost dies when he falls into the clutches of the
American medical establishment but is saved by pre-adolescent boys. Every-
body believes the alien is a fake, a triumph of special effects. But watch
the movie closely next time. The alien is real. The boys are fakes. Real
pre-adolescent boys would have beaten the alien to death with rocks.
Yes, aliens exist and high government officials know they exist, but they've
been keeping this knowledge top secret. Here is the Untold Story:
Years ago, when the alien-broadcast program began, government scientists
decided to broadcast a message that would be simple yet convey a sense of love,
universal peace and brotherhood: "Have a Nice Day." They broadcast this
message over and over, day after day, year after year, until one day they got
an answer:
Dear Earth Persons:
OK. We are having a nice day. We also have a number of extremely sophis-
ticated weapons, and unless you start broadcasting something more interesting,
we will reduce your planet to a very warm object the size of a child's bowling
ball.
Regards,
The Aliens
So the scientists, desperate for something that would interest the aliens,
broadcast an episode of "I Love Lucy", and the aliens loved it. They demanded
more, and soon they were getting all three major networks, and the Earth was
saved. There is only one problem: THE ALIENS HAVE TERRIBLE TASTE. They love
game shows, soap operas, Howard Cosell and "Dallas." Whenever a network
tries to take one of these shows off the air, the aliens threaten to vaporize
the planet.
This is why you and all your friends think television is so awful. It isn't
designed to please you --it's designed to please creatures from another
galaxy. You know the Wisk commercial, the one with ring around the collar,
the one so spectacularly stupid that it makes you wonder why anybody would
dream of buying the product? Well, the aliens love that commercial. We all
owe a great debt of gratitude to the people who make Wisk. They have not
sold a single bottle of Wisk in 14 years, but they have saved the Earth.
Very few people know any of this. Needless to say, Congress has no idea what
is going on. Most legislators are incapable of eating breakfast without the
help of several aides, so we can hardly expect them to understand a serious
threat from outer space. But if they go ahead with their plan to cancel the
alien-broadcast program and the aliens miss the next episode of "General
Hospital," What do you think will happen? Think about it. And have a nice
day.