dave@uwmcsd1.UUCP (Dave Rasmussen) (10/16/85)
*** REPLACE THIS LINE WITH YOUR FAVORITE CHESS PIECE ***
eminently discardable
chess lore for
grand master and
patzer alike (PLAYBOY April 1973)
humor By Marshall Brickman
----- -- -------- --------
The Celebrated Ponce-Kmitch Match and Other Chess Classics
ORIGINS AND BACKGROUND
Chess was invented in 651, at half past two, by a Persian
slave, Nafiesi, who taught it to the shah and then beat him in
1200 consecutive games. As a reward, Nafiesi was allowed to
select which of his appendages he would like made into a table
lamp. Nafiesi's wife, however, interceded on his behalf with
such eloquence that the sentence was retracted; instead, he was
torn apart by four wild horses, after which the shah managed to
win a few games. Years later, in a mellower mood, the shah
ordered the wild horses to reassemble Nafiesi; but when this
could not be done, he became despondent and retired to his
chambers, even refusing to check his service for messages.
The original game was crude and unsophisticated, consisting
merely of one large square and one piece that could be placed
anywhere, provided you could back it up with your fists. From
Persia, chess moved rapidly to Arabia; thence to Italy, France,
Russia and England (stopping only long enough to mail some
postcards). For 300 years, the pieces, number of squares and
rules of play underwent considerable change and experimentation,
but nothing seemed to help. Many variants remain: The Japanese
play chess with smooth disks; the Croats use a net and two
rackets (those Croats!); certain tribesmen in Norway get
through the long winter by slowly burning the pieces. In
medieval Russia, chess was not played but eaten (until 1650,
when the czar forbade all eating by anyone except himself and
several close friends).
PERSONALITIES
Probably no game can boast as many unique personalities as
chess. The incredible pressures exerted on the high-level
player often find release in eccentricities. Two famous
examples:
Page 2
Alonzo d'Alonzo (1651-1735), the Italian monk and song
stylist, devised an opening gambit in which he would distract
his opponent with card tricks while a confederate nailed the
opponent's pieces to the board. D'Alonzo was the first to fully
realize the value of psychology in chess. He found that by
donning an India-rubber ape head and capering like a loon, he
could reduce his opponents to a series of facial tics and
blunders, usually within ten moves. In later years, he added
humming and duck imitations to his vast repertoire of
distractions and a contemporary account has him at the height of
his powers, in 1732, routing a challenger by wearing a black
tooth and moving his chessmen with a giant pincers. When the
Pope heard of D'Alonzo's contribution, he summoned him to the
Vatican, where, at the age of 81, he was smacked on the back of
the head with a knotted towel, the only man to be so honored in
his own lifetime.
Fleischmann, the celebrated "Mating Dwarf" of Heidelberg,
stood only three inches tall and played with a set of wheeled
chessmen, which he pushed around the board, puffing and cursing.
His brilliant career ended during a dangerous castling
maneuver, when he was crushed beneath a runaway queen.
BLINDFOLD CHESS
The phenomenal concentration required to win at chess is
multiplied a hundredfold (in Great Britain, an hundredfold) when
--
the player must memorize the positions of the pieces as well.
If, in addition, he is playing more than one game, the effort is
considerable. In 1846, Igor Nishman-Bartholdy gave a stunning
exhibition of blindfold chess, losing 156 games in two hours, 30
minutes. So great was the accomplishment that he retired from
chess and spent his remaining years blowing into an ocarina.
In 1910, at Ludz, a tournament was held between Janos
Barbarian and Hans Lessing-Torvald, both of whom were so ugly
the audience asked to be blindfolded.
PSYCHOLOGY OF CHESS
Freud, in a series of unattended lectures (May 1918),
correctly analyzed the Oedipal conflicts inherent in the chess
"family." Taken from his own notes: "The king (father), even
though a weak and loathsome dolt, must be protected by an
alliance between the all-powerful queen (mother) and bishop
(uncle), who sneaks around on a diagonal wearing slippers (the
felt on the bottom of the pieces)." Those in doubt about the
Oedipal overtones in chess need only realize that the term
checkmate derives from the Persian shah mat, meaning "The king
is dead" or "Is the king dead?" or "Does this tram proceed to an
estuary?"
Page 3
MOST AMAZING MATCH
The most unusual game on record occurred in Odessa in 1917
between two chess prodigies, Harlow Ponce, aged three, of Great
Britain, and two-year-old Agon Kmitch of Russia. The special
nature of the conflict becomes evident in the opening moves:
WHITE BLACK
(Ponce) (Kmitch)
1. P-Q4 ...P-Q4
2. P-Q2 (!) ...P-Q2
3. P-Q3 ...P-Q3
4. P-Q2 ...P-Q2
An attractive exchange, showing the two masters displaying
caution and aggressiveness. The board after
4. ...P-Q2:
WHITE
(Ponce)
WR WN WB WQ WK WB WN WR
WP WP WP WP WP WP WP WP
-- ** -- ** -- ** -- **
** -- ** -- ** -- ** --
-- ** -- ** -- ** -- **
** -- ** -- ** -- ** --
BP BP BP BP BP BP BP BP
BR BN BB BQ BK BB BN BR
BLACK
(Kmitch)
Diagram 1
The Englishman now unleashes the Machiavellian ingenuity
that caused Levitch in later years to award him the sobriquet
"that little vonce":
5. P-Q6 (!)
The spectators were so stunned that they showered the board
with gold pieces and Ponce was awarded a brilliancy prize and a
trip over Petrograd in a gas balloon. Black's response
5. ...R-Q9 (!!)
demonstrates that Kmitch, though still on soft foods, was
nevertheless a poet of the chessboard. His unusually placed
rook (behind the board; see Diagram 2) was clearly an attempt
to intimidate Ponce's queen or possibly Ponce himself, who
Kmitch knew had a pathalogical fear of endpieces. (Until his
Page 4
death in 1950, Ponce persisted in the belief that he was being
stalked by a black rook and could not sleep unless a white pawn
was placed at each of the corners of his bed.) The board after
five moves:
WHITE
(Ponce)
WR WN WB WQ WK WB WN WR
WP WP WP -- WP WP WP WP
-- ** -- ** -- ** -- **
** -- ** -- ** -- ** --
-- ** -- ** -- ** -- **
** -- ** WP ** -- ** --
BP BP BP BP BP BP BP BP
BR BN BB BQ BK BB BN --
BLACK
(Kmitch)
Diagram 2
Ponce, now visibly under pressure, sets an unsuccessful
trap for Kmitch's bishop, using a small noose of thread baited
with cheese. Play continues in this fashion until:
17. K x B (!?)
The incredible sublety of this move was grasped by only one
observer present, ex-grand master Smednick who refused to
explain it because he felt he had been given a poor seat.
Kmitch's reply, however, reveals his immaturity:
17. ...P x Nch (??)
Shocking; under other conditions quaintly humorous, if not
for tragic overtones! Black greedily snatches at the chance to
humiliate White's bishop and even gets in a nasty remark about
his wardrobe. But to no avail. Clearly in command, White now
offers the ominous:
18. Three no-trump
Only a fool or a genius would dare such a move; Ponce,
being both, had no choice.
At this point, the match was interrupted by the Russian
Revolution, which started when Kerensky unexpectedly obtained
two tickets to a musical. When the principals met again in 1936
to resume play, only 12 of the 32 chessmen could be found and
the game was recorded as a draw.
RECENT DEVELOPMENTS
Page 5
The Soviet pre-emenance in chess can be traced to the
average Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything,
even the arrangement of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the
Russians' predisposition for quiet reflection followed by sudden
reventive action explains why they led the field for many years
in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as early as
1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do
to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of
preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team
of psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top
three Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy
stick. That these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of
chess history and a further testament to the American way, which
provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always
go to Iceland and get it from the Russians.
--
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Usnail: Dave Rasmussen, UW-Milw CSD, Box413, Milwaukee WI 53201. :-) Ack Phft!