done@teklabs.UUCP (07/14/83)
There has been some discussion in this newsgroup regarding my recent
assertion that God's name is Howard. In addition, I have received some
replies pointing out that some versions of the Lord's Prayer refer to
God as Harold, rather than Howard. One person in Atlanta even had the
audacity to contend that it should be Hallowed or Holy. This preposterous
suggestion is an affront to God-fearing folks of all denominations.
Fortunately, I speak fluent Aramaic, and can resolve this theological
controversy posthaste:
The Howard/Harold controversy actually arises from some confusion regarding
the written translation of God's name from the ancient Sanskrit texts into
the Aramaic of Jesus' time. The name Howard derives from the Sanskrit
root How'ie which means "he who loses socks in dryers". This phrase
naturally was a puzzle to the people of that period, and has remained so
until modern times.
The translation into the mistaken form Harold has been traced back to the
Irish priest Pater O'Furniture, who interpreted the Sanskrit textual version
to mean "he who is an electric passenger carrying vehicle". These words
have since attained great significance in the British Isles, and signs
bearing these words can even today be found in British airports as a blessing
to air travelers.
It should be pointed out that the Irish religious community during the
middle ages followed a course of intellectual development similar to that
of the more mainstream religious philosophy. Indeed, while St. Augustine
and his cohorts were engaged in the debate concerning the number of angels
that can dance on the head of a pin, St. O'Furniture and the Irish
"Haroldists", as they were then called, were debating how many angels it
takes to change a light bulb. The question was never fully resolved, and
the topic seemed to reappear every few years until the entire Irish
religious community got disgusted and left to form their own newsgroup.
We are indeed fortunate to have the Lord's Prayer in it's present form,
as passed down to us from the Irish newsgroup, since it contains the only
known references to the matronly Irish saints Shirley and Mrs. Murphy,
to wit:
Shirley, Good Mrs. Murphy shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I shall dwell in the House of the Lord forever.
The last line raises a question in modern day England as to whether the
House of Commons should actually be substituted for the reference to the
House of Lords, but this is a question for the political theorists to resolve.
Many thanks to the numerous devout religious folk out there in netland who
contributed to this elucidation of the historical truth. You may be
assured that your efforts are of the highest religious calling.
Don Ellis
Tektronix