spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford) (01/04/84)
I've recently had a couple of people ask me for a copy of something I
posted a few months ago in net.singles. Considering the time of year,
and some of the hype that goes with holiday gift-giving, I figured I'd
just post it again. As a bit of background, I originally wrote it to
net.singles in response to an article about a lady being terribly
disappointed on her birthday. It seems that her boyfriend didn't do
much of anything for her birthday except gift her with a used TV set.
It was his first serious romantic relationship, and she wasn't sure
what future was in it. So, as you sit amidst your holiday gifts,
consider:
As to the fellow who gave the old TV... sometimes the things we
prize are incomprehensible to others. My cat brings in mice and
birds that he catches and lays them at my feet, proud of his gifts
and unswerving in his devotion. I thank kitty (named Waldo the
Wonder Duck) and put him and his prize back outside. I would much
prefer he bring in a live redhead for me, but I recognize the
intent despite my interest in other gifts.
Each of us has some kind of mental picture of what an "appropriate"
type of gift might be. Much of that is conditioned by what we
value and what we have been given through our lives. This
particular instance could be one of someone who is not used to
material presents and who was attempting to play the game based on
what he had seen and heard others do ("Hey, a TV is an expensive
gift. Will this do?"). I mean, maybe he isn't into giving alcohol
and dead vegetable matter (champagne and flowers). Chocolate makes
you fat. And so it goes. You do stupid things sometimes when you
don't know the rules of the game.
Experience is what helps you prevent making the same mistake twice
(you make different mistakes, instead). The lady should talk to
the guy and make him aware of her particular feelings and
expectations. If he cares, he can show it in other ways. How does
he act the rest of the time? Does she believe he cares?
Some people find it difficult to touch one another, with hugs or
with words. That doesn't mean the affection isn't there -- it just
means that they express things differently. You have to learn some
of their "language" and teach them some of yours. Communication
isn't easy. Neither is a relationship. Love doesn't mean living
happily ever after, but it sure can help. Instead, love means
you're willing to try -- again and again, even when the odds look
very bad.
I was very involved with one special lady for 4.5 years. In all
that time, I think she said "I love you" in words only 3 times. In
fact, we discussed it once or twice, and she indicated it made her
want to cry if she tried it. Yet, I never had any doubts. I knew
what she was saying when she sent me a card, or gave me a hug, or
smiled at me. I would trade my last ten birthdays to have those
smiles once again.
My dad has never said "I love you" nor has he ever come up with any
kind of birthday gift that stuck in my mind much. But I have what
I am today and the memories of all the things he has done for me.
That's the gift that really matters to me.
If the guy is a crummy gift-giver, educate him. If he's a lousy
kisser, help him practice. If he has lousy taste in clothes, help
him shop. But do it if you care for him and he cares for you, not
if you think you can "transform" him into someone you can love.
Talk it over -- don't let it fester inside. Look at the other
things about him and see if he's worth it on that level. What will
you miss most -- him, or a birthday celebration which never
happened?
...what I would give for those smiles again...
Happy 1984, everyone.
--
Off the Wall of Gene Spafford
School of ICS, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332
CSNet: Spaf @ GATech ARPA: Spaf.GATech @ CSNet-Relay
uucp: ...!{akgua,allegra,rlgvax,sb1,unmvax,ulysses,ut-sally}!gatech!spaf