spaf@gatech.UUCP (Gene Spafford) (01/04/84)
I've recently had a couple of people ask me for a copy of something I posted a few months ago in net.singles. Considering the time of year, and some of the hype that goes with holiday gift-giving, I figured I'd just post it again. As a bit of background, I originally wrote it to net.singles in response to an article about a lady being terribly disappointed on her birthday. It seems that her boyfriend didn't do much of anything for her birthday except gift her with a used TV set. It was his first serious romantic relationship, and she wasn't sure what future was in it. So, as you sit amidst your holiday gifts, consider: As to the fellow who gave the old TV... sometimes the things we prize are incomprehensible to others. My cat brings in mice and birds that he catches and lays them at my feet, proud of his gifts and unswerving in his devotion. I thank kitty (named Waldo the Wonder Duck) and put him and his prize back outside. I would much prefer he bring in a live redhead for me, but I recognize the intent despite my interest in other gifts. Each of us has some kind of mental picture of what an "appropriate" type of gift might be. Much of that is conditioned by what we value and what we have been given through our lives. This particular instance could be one of someone who is not used to material presents and who was attempting to play the game based on what he had seen and heard others do ("Hey, a TV is an expensive gift. Will this do?"). I mean, maybe he isn't into giving alcohol and dead vegetable matter (champagne and flowers). Chocolate makes you fat. And so it goes. You do stupid things sometimes when you don't know the rules of the game. Experience is what helps you prevent making the same mistake twice (you make different mistakes, instead). The lady should talk to the guy and make him aware of her particular feelings and expectations. If he cares, he can show it in other ways. How does he act the rest of the time? Does she believe he cares? Some people find it difficult to touch one another, with hugs or with words. That doesn't mean the affection isn't there -- it just means that they express things differently. You have to learn some of their "language" and teach them some of yours. Communication isn't easy. Neither is a relationship. Love doesn't mean living happily ever after, but it sure can help. Instead, love means you're willing to try -- again and again, even when the odds look very bad. I was very involved with one special lady for 4.5 years. In all that time, I think she said "I love you" in words only 3 times. In fact, we discussed it once or twice, and she indicated it made her want to cry if she tried it. Yet, I never had any doubts. I knew what she was saying when she sent me a card, or gave me a hug, or smiled at me. I would trade my last ten birthdays to have those smiles once again. My dad has never said "I love you" nor has he ever come up with any kind of birthday gift that stuck in my mind much. But I have what I am today and the memories of all the things he has done for me. That's the gift that really matters to me. If the guy is a crummy gift-giver, educate him. If he's a lousy kisser, help him practice. If he has lousy taste in clothes, help him shop. But do it if you care for him and he cares for you, not if you think you can "transform" him into someone you can love. Talk it over -- don't let it fester inside. Look at the other things about him and see if he's worth it on that level. What will you miss most -- him, or a birthday celebration which never happened? ...what I would give for those smiles again... Happy 1984, everyone. -- Off the Wall of Gene Spafford School of ICS, Georgia Tech, Atlanta GA 30332 CSNet: Spaf @ GATech ARPA: Spaf.GATech @ CSNet-Relay uucp: ...!{akgua,allegra,rlgvax,sb1,unmvax,ulysses,ut-sally}!gatech!spaf