[net.consumers] Null Statements

wasser@viking.DEC (John A. Wasser) (07/03/85)

	I would like to start a collection of "null statements", phrases
	and sentences that are used in product literature and have no 
	information content.  For example, I just bought a pair of
	sunglasses that promise:

		Eliminates Ultra Violet Rays in the visible spectrum.

	Since Ultraviolet is (by definition) outside the visible spectrum,
	this assurance is meaningless.  Another example is:

		Made with all natural elements.

	This one could be a translation problem (something was translated
	as "elements" when it should have been "ingredients").


	If you have any examples, please send them to me and I will
	summarize to net.consumers in a couple of weeks.

		-John A. Wasser

Work address:
ARPAnet:	WASSER%VIKING.DEC@decwrl.ARPA
Usenet:		{allegra,Shasta,decvax}!decwrl!dec-rhea!dec-viking!wasser
Easynet:	VIKING::WASSER
Telephone:	(617)486-2505
USPS:		Digital Equipment Corp.
		Mail stop: LJO2/E4
		30 Porter Rd
		Littleton, MA  01460

johnston@uiucdcsb.Uiuc.ARPA (07/05/85)

This response contains all of the examples I could think of...

jayj@hpisla.UUCP (Jay Johannes) (07/05/85)

  re: meaningless phrases,
      How about  

	"SAVE UP TO $200 OR MORE"

wrc@ritcv.UUCP (Warren R. Carithers) (07/10/85)

How about the following classic, seen in the produce section of
a supermarket:

	VINE-GROWN TOMATOES

Unless I've missed something in the recent literature, aren't
they ALL vine-grown?

-- 
Warren R. Carithers, Rochester Institute of Technology   (716) 475-2472
UUCP:	{allegra,decvax,seismo}!rochester!ritcv!valhalla!wrc
CSNET:	wrc@rit, wrc%rit@csnet-relay

smuga@mtuxo.UUCP (j.smuga) (07/11/85)

My favorites are the weight loss ads which promise:

	Lose *up to* n pounds this week!
-- 
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Janet Smuga			I've had a great many troubles in my time,
mtuxo!smuga			and most of them never happened.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

broder@magic.ARPA (07/12/85)

VINE-GROWN TOMATOES is of course content-free but VINE-RIPENED is
very significant!  If you don't see this mention, it might well be
the case that the tomatoes were "GAS-RIPENED" that is, picked when
hard and green, refrigerated for months, and then made red by being
treated with a certain gas, whose name escapes me right now.  It goes
without saying that the result has no taste.

- Andrei

essachs@ihuxl.UUCP (Ed Sachs) (07/15/85)

> VINE-GROWN TOMATOES is of course content-free but VINE-RIPENED is
> very significant!  If you don't see this mention, it might well be
> the case that the tomatoes were "GAS-RIPENED" that is, picked when
> hard and green, refrigerated for months, and then made red by being
> treated with a certain gas, whose name escapes me right now.  It goes
> without saying that the result has no taste.
> 
> - Andrei

The gas is ethylene (C2H4 for any chemists out there).  It is a gas
naturally produced by ripening fruit, and does speed the ripening
processes when artificially applied.  That's why fruit ripens faster
when enclosed in a paper bag -- the bag holds the ethylene in.
-- 
				Ed Sachs
				AT&T Bell Laboratories
				Naperville, IL
				ihnp4!ihuxl!essachs

dopey@ihlpl.UUCP (James C Blasius) (07/19/85)

This one drives me up a wall...

	"MORE people prefer ... (to|over) ..."

More people prefer it than what?  Argh!

james blasius
ihnp4!ihlpl!dopey

john@moncol.UUCP (John Ruschmeyer) (07/22/85)

Here's my personal favorite:

"Our staff has over n years total experience."



Almost as bad is:

"Our staff members have over n years average experience."


-- 
Name:		John Ruschmeyer
US Mail:	Monmouth College, W. Long Branch, NJ 07764
Phone:		(201) 222-6600 x366
UUCP:		...!vax135!petsd!moncol!john	...!princeton!moncol!john
						   ...!pesnta!moncol!john
Silly quote:
		Little boy, I don't care if your dog can talk. Please
		tell him this is a TARDIS, not a "Way-Back Machine".

hollombe@ttidcc.UUCP (The Polymath) (07/23/85)

How about "Just be yourself."?

What else can you be?
-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_
The Polymath (aka: Jerry Hollombe)
Citicorp TTI                      Common Sense is what tells you that a ten
3100 Ocean Park Blvd.             pound weight falls ten times as fast as a
Santa Monica, CA  90405           one pound weight.
(213) 450-9111, ext. 2483
{philabs,randvax,trwrb,vortex}!ttidca!ttidcc!hollombe

jer@peora.UUCP (J. Eric Roskos) (07/26/85)

This is not quite what was asked for, but the quotes from product
literature reminded me of a favorite Product Description of mine.  The
following is a description of a dot matrix printer, which appeared at the
start of the printer's user manual for OEMs.  The manual was apparently
written in Japanese, and translated by someone who didn't quite understand
the semantics of one of the languages involved.

I've changed the name of the product in the text below.  It has since been
replaced by newer, better versions (albeit perhaps lacking in the noble
ideals of this model, however! (-: ), and I doubt the company would want to
claim the paragraphs.  In reading this, bear in mind that this is the first
thing the user reads on opening the manual, the inspiring product
description for the printer he has just bought...


        The excellent output machine of ACME MODEL Z-298 as
      extra-ordinary DOT MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-
      PROCESSORSs as well as EAROM, is featured by permitting
      wonderful co-existence such as; 'high quality against low
      cost', 'diversified functions with compact design',
      'flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx.
      2000,000,000 Dot/Head', 'being sophisticated in mechanism
      but possibly agile operating under noises being extremely
      suppressed', etc.

	And, as a matter of course, the final goal is just
      simply to help achieve 'super shuttle diplomacy' between
      cool data, perhaps earned by HOST COMPUTER, and warm
      heart of human being.
-- 
Shyy-Anzr:  J. Eric Roskos
UUCP:       ..!{decvax,ucbvax,ihnp4}!vax135!petsd!peora!jer
US Mail:    MS 795; Perkin-Elmer SDC;
	    2486 Sand Lake Road, Orlando, FL 32809-7642

pfeiffer@uwvax.UUCP (Phil Pfeiffer) (07/26/85)

Q:  When does "50M water resistant" not mean "50M water resistant" ?
A:  When it refers to Casio watches.


My wife and I don't do a lot of scuba diving, but we do dive regularly when
we're on vacation.  We average between ten and twenty dives a year, at depths
heretofore not exceeding 50'.

I have an older Casio watch, stamped "water resist 100 meters" ( 328' ).  My
wife had a 50M ( 164') water resist Casio, which died after a dive to 25M
( 82' ) two Sundays ago, during an advanced certification course.
Sunday evening Linda noticed moisture inside the crystal; by Tuesday, her
Casio was zombied.  

Yesterday Lin dug the Casio watch user's guide out of a dresser drawer.
Rereading the guide, she discovered a table detailing "proper use" for
Casio watches which we had somehow missed.  I reproduce the part of the table
that's relevant to this discussion below:


Case designation       Splashes,    Swimming, car    Snorkeling,    Scuba
                       rain, etc.   washing, etc.    diving, etc.   diving

     WATER RESISTANT    Yes          No               No             No
   (--> Lap swimmers beware !!)

 50M WATER RESISTANT    Yes          Yes              No             No
   (according to the guide, this watch "does not permit underwater button
	operation".  We never had any problems with operating the buttons,
	however, in previous dives down to 50'). 

100M WATER RESISTANT    Yes          Yes              Yes            No
   (according to the guide, the 100M watch "permits underwater button
	operation (except where buttons are countersunk)" )

200M WATER RESISTANT    Yes          Yes              Yes            Yes


Note that "50M water resistant" and "100M water resistant" doesn't mean 
what divers might think these terms mean.  Note, however, that Lin's 50M water
resist watch worked fine down to 50'.  My 100M watch still runs as well as it
ever did ( i.e., reasonably well, if you don't mind a watch that resets itself
to "Sunday, January 1, 12:00 midnight", several times a year, for no apparent
reason).


P.S.:  According to the user's guide, the watch might have survived, had it
been overhauled immediately after we had noticed the condensation.

-- 

-- Phil Pfeiffer

"Fundy's long, and Fundy's wide, Fundy's fog, and rain, and tide,
 Never see the sun or sky, just a green wave rolling by."      [Gordon Bok]

heneghan@ihu1m.UUCP (Joe Heneghan) (07/29/85)

I have a CASIO G-SHOCK that I bought at Venture for $35 (1/2 price).
It has a lot of good features and I've noticed a few abnormalities:
While ice sailing last winter @ -30 with a windchill of -60, I noticed
a little condensation under the crystal. As soon as I got warmed up,
it went away. Sometimes on the hour the alarm goes off at about 1/5
the volume when the alarm is intentionally set. I was getting a rash
under the wrist band but when I loosened it up a little, it was
fine. The day of the week field is "bleeding" a little. In spite
of these anomalies, the watch keeps good time and all the functions
appear as advertised.