wjb@burl.UUCP (Bill Buie) (07/10/84)
-- The following article, by Lee Barnes, recently ran in a local newspaper. It is fully reprinted here, without permission. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ There are some subtle differences between black folks and white folks. This should certainly come as no surprise to anyone, but it's generally considered a no-no to come out and say it. However, I spent five years at a predominately black college, and I feel qualified to speak with some authority on the subject. If such talk offends you, read no further. Last time I mentioned the subject of race, I got several crank calls. Don't call and complain, please. Just stop reading. The fact remains that while blacks are the same mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, there are certain cultural differences. For instance, if you were blind, you would still have absolutely no trouble figuring out that Howard Cosell is a white guy. You might have some difficulty figuring out what planet he's from, but there would be no questions about his color. There are other distinct differences. Big black guys look completely natural behind the wheel of a large Buick; big white guys look best behind the wheel of a pickup truck. Small black guys look good driving sports cars; small white guys only look natural driving Gremlins. The differences are obvious. When black women get old, they become extremely lovable. When white women get old, their hair turns blue. Malcolm X was black. Preparation H is white. Young black men carry 80-pound portable radios. Young white men carry 30 mechanical pencils in their shirt pocket. When a black guy wears glasses, he's called "Doc." When a white guy wears glasses, he's called "Four-eyes." When a black women is extremely black, she is "sensuous" and "ebony." When a white woman is extremely white, she is "sickly" and "chalky." Beards make black men look distinguished; they make white men look old. Black women are very creative when it comes to preparing fish and pork. White women make creative dishes with Jello. Eddie Murphy is black. Eddie Haskell is white. Black people invented jazz and the Blues. White people invented low-calorie dog food and Hubba-Bubba bubble gum. Kareem Jabbar is black. Kareem of Wheat is white. Black people, as a rule, do not trust white people. White people, as a rule, do not trust white people. Young black men drink malt lager and throw the cans out the car window. Young white men drink beer and throw the cans out the car window. It goes without saying that only white folks could have invented the stuffed tomato and the Preppie look. And only white folks can stomach either one. Black folks name their dogs "King" and "Duke." White folks name their dogs "Fifi" and "Foofoo." When a black guy is named "Julius," he gets nicknamed "Doctor J" and earnes a zillion dollars a year. When a whit guy is named "Julius" he gets laughed at and beat up. Black people are only occasionally mentioned on the society page. White people are only occasionally mentioned on the sports page. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ -- --Bill Buie