punch@zeus.UUCP (punch) (07/18/84)
Dere John, Please Rite by Graham Seal [copied without permission from Punch, Jun 13, 1984] Dear John, While I am here in Canada I would like you to write to me. This will help your spelling, which, as you know, is atrocious. I had a nice flight out, although my luggage was overweight and I had to pay extra. We saw the tip of Greenland and the mountains of Iceland. I am staying at a nice hotel in Toronto. It is very cold and we have to wear furs and parkas and things. I hope you are keeping your room tidy. Look after your mother and give Fido a pat for me. Love, dad. dere dady i enjoyd yor letur. you shood hav wayd yore lugidge on the barthroom skayles. i think you meen the mountens of greenland acshully wich ar huje and wild. im sory yore hotel is kold and you have to ware furze and parkers and things.my room is tidy but fido got into yore room and mayd a mess on yore papers and things befor we kood stop him. mumy is well and had mr pritchard for supper. wot ar you suposed to be doing? luv, john. p.s. i showd yore letur to my inglish teechur who sed using nice twice is bad Dear John, Please read this letter carefully and notice the spelling. Yours is terrible. Please tell your English teacher to concern himself less with my faults, and more with your spelling. He sounds silly. What is his name? Does he know I'm a writer? And do avoid exaggeration. Mountains are simply mountains. Huge and Wild are unnecessary. Always keep things in perspective. Your mother will explain what that means. My hotel is not cold. Canada is. I was naturally very displeased to hear that Fido had got into my room. Which idiot let him in? Who is Mr Pritchard? Ask your mother to send me the file marked "Scripts, Urgent" from my room. I am working on a play here which will make us a lot of money. I spend a lot of time here at meetings talking to important people. Love, dad. dere dady i enjoyd yore letur.i showd it to my inglish teechur who is miss robarts and very prity. mr pritchard let fido into yore room aksidentaly wen he was looking for the barthroom. He does not know his way round the house yet. i showd yore letur to our jografy teechur who is engajed to mis robarts and he sed not all Kanada is kold vancoova is kwite warm. mumy sez yore scripts urjent have been spoyld by fido and wood you like sumthing else insted. i spoke to mumy about perspektivs like you sed but she was torking to mr pritchard and they both larfd. i am glad you are meting lots of peepul. mumy sends her luv. she is kwite well. she had mr prichard for brekfast. luv, john. Dear John, Your last letter was almost unreadable. It embarrasses me to think you are the son of a writer, who is not unknown. Please study my letters closely and you will see that you are making silly mistakes. Ask your mother to check your spelling before you post each letter. And please do not show any more of your letters to your teachers. I have had to write to your Miss Robarts to explain my unfortunate references to her in my last letter. Your geography teacher sounds stupid. I am very angry about my scripts. I look upon you to tidy my room and see that everyone including fido keeps out of it. I've had a little accident. Don't be alarmed. It's nothing serious. I went skating and fell down. I am having to spend a few days in the hospital. Don't tell your mother; she might worry. Plese describe Mr Pritchard. I'm all right really. I miss you all. Love, daddy. dere dady, we mis you to. im sending you a picshur of mis robarts who will be nice to look at in ospittle. mumy showd yore larst letur to mr mritchard who larfd becos you speld plese rong. pot kalling the ketul blak he larfd ha ha. i hop you didnt mind me showing yore larst letur to my jografy teechur only its my best subjekt. he red it very karefully and told me to tel you hes wun pryzes for boksing. i told mumy you wur riting to mis robarts and she was intrestid. i went in to tidy yore room as you arsked but unfoorchoonitly fido sneekd in and mayd a mess before i cood stop him. i didn't no you cood skayt. mr pritchard sez heel teech me if it gets kold. he is a champyen. he looks like this. luv, john Dear John, I read your last letter in my hospital bed. I am sorry to have to tell you that it made me feel worse. Your spelling is atrocious. I can get up now but have to walk around with a stik. It's cold and I miss you all. I phoned a man about my play but he was out. Ask your mother why she doesn't write. Tell her I only rote to Miss Robarts because I offended her. I am sending you back the photo of Miss Robarts you sent me, although it was kind of you to think of your invalid father. How did you get this photo? Does she take you for swimming also? Does you geography teacher know you sent it? Plese take all the papers out of my room. I shall have Fido put down when I get back. Ask Mr cleversticks Pilchard if he's got a home of his own which he can go to. Your loving daddy. Dear John, Why don't you rite? Naturally I didn't really mean I'd have fido put down. I was only joking. If you take the papers out of my room fido can sleep there. Please tell your mother I've never met Miss Robarts who is really quite plain from her photo. I did not mean to be rude to Mr Pritchard. It was the typewriter. What is his first name? Sometimes I think we would all be much happier if life was more simple. There ar lots of woods and lakes above Toronto. I shood like to take you up there and show you the bears. I will try to buy you all presents though there is not a lot of money left after hospital bills and things. Plese give my love to everyone. Your devoted daddy. Dear daddy, Thank you for the present you are buying me. I should like an action man. I don't like bears. I've made a little kennel for fido in your room and he seems to be settling in well. I hope you don't mind but I showed your last letter to my geography teacher because of what you said about the woods and lakes north of Toronto. He says he will give Miss Robarts back her photo personally and hopes to see you when you get back. Mr Pritchard's name is Harry. He's been helping me with my spelling. Love, John. Dear John, i'm sending a present for uncle harry which i hope he'll like. The action man is for you. Tell your mother I haven't forgotten her. I'm not very well, son. Please tell your Gography teacher, no hard feelings! It's important we all try to love each other. Plese remember this yourself. I'm sending Miss Robarts a box of choclats just in case you showed her my last letter. i am grateful to uncle Harry for looking after you in my absence. He must be missing his own home however. Does he have a home of his own? Perhaps he just wanders about the country living in other peoples. I have left the hospital and have had to move in to a smaller hotel. They are not using my play just yet. i am so looking forward to seeing you all agen. i am having a litel drink drink to celebrate cuming home soon, your loving darling devoted dady. p.s. i am sending with this letur a little rubber bone for fido. dere john, it was not my bone killd fido! take the bone to a kemist if you dont beleeve me and hav it analised. i dont care. i bet it was that rat pilchard who dun it. i bet the reezun he broke into my room was to steal my skriptz. and if he needs female company so bad wy dont he call on sexy mis robarts if my choclats havent killd her furst.and you can tel that slob of a gography teecher i can wip him befor brekfust one hand behind my bak. its kold here. theyve turnd off the heat. theyre not using my play arfter all. dont mind about me wen i get back, i'll sleep in fido's kennel. i shood be greatfool. we lurn through suffering. forget everything else i've tort you and remember that, yore extremely dere darling devoted dady. Dear father, Thank you for the action man. Love John.